Skip to comments.The Common Core Movie: "Despicable Them"
Posted on 07/12/2014 5:33:35 PM PDT by BruceDeitrickPrice
Okay, this is the day I do a favor for Universal Pixs. Here, free of charge, is a bold new concept for a cartoon action comedy. Not just a concept, mind you, but a high concept. That's what Hollywood loves.
Okay here it is. You have this gang of no-goodniks who want to destroy the public schools in Typical Town, USA. Not just destroy the schools but get rich for doing it! Crime-wise, that's thinking big-big-big.
In the opening scenes, we can clearly see that these are bad hombres with cold hearts. Their crooked grins suggest a lifetime of larceny and clever cons.
Arnold Duncan, David Coldman, Bill Ayres, Bill Grates, all the people who gave us Common Core are in this exciting epic of a movie. You've got intrigues, colorful lies, throwing babies out with the bathwater, and the drowning of puppies. These people think big-big-big. With a cameo by the Big Boss himself, Obosa.
In the opening scene, Despicable Them argue about how to get the heist off the ground. This belligerent bunch takes cheap shots at each other, Three Stooges style, until finally somebody blurts out the big idea: "Yeah! We'll say it's for their own good!!!"
Now they're gushing like Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland planning a bake sale. "Yeah, we'll lie and lie and lie. Of course! We'll hire the best PR companies to tell the prettiest lies in history. That's the ticket."
Yeah, they'll create 25 front groups with impressive sounding names that'll dazzle the stupid public, names like Smart Educators Who Adore Common Core and Teachers and Administrators Who Care About You. Who could be against anything these experts are for? They are totally independent.
At that point Despicable Them jump up, grab bongos and strut up and down Main Street.
The next step is to loot the federal treasury (imagine wheel barrows going in and out of Fort Knoxwhat a scene) so they have lots of money. They can go to the states and bribe the governors. "Hey," this is the pitch, "you'd be a fool to pass up this money." Governors are typified by Clinton T Billfold, a wheeler dealer so extraordinarily gifted that shady deals shoot from his fingernails. Lesser governors are played by professional call girls who roll over for a bottle of warm champagne.
So the states sign up and surrender their sovereignty. Lots of laughs as they loiter pathetically out of the way recalling the good old days when they had integrity. Now they must let the real experts do their job, people like Arnold Duncan and David Coldman. This is like watching Hogan's Heroes but funnier.
Despicable Them invent curricula and tests that give high grades even if nobody knows zilch. Kids who can't read get A's and B's. This is boffo comedy like "Two Tens for a Five."' [Abbott and Costello]
One great gimmick is Correct Answers Optional. If children can show they had a reason, any reason, for picking a wrong answer, hey, they get full credit. This is like 20 clowns coming out of a little car. How could THAT happen? Audiences love this zany nonsense!
Schools collapse into comic chaos. Kids don't know which way is up. Is it down? Despicable Them chortle and cavort all the way to the bank. Did I mention this is a comitragedy. The peasants on the neighboring farms decide they don't like this Common Core shakedown. They show up with pitchforks, signs, and angry howls of protest. Pretty soon the whole countryside is rioting against Common Core.
In a wonderful scene, Despicable Them are tarred, feathered with ritalin capsules, stuffed in aforementioned wheelbarrows, and rolled out of town. Restraining orders require they never come within five miles of a school. And everyone learns happily ever after.
(This is a satirical article about non-existent people.)
More about Common Core:
ObamaCare and Common Core both are bad to the bone
bump for later
Actually you could use Vector instead of Bill Grates.