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The Humour Corner A Computer For The Jewish People
Shabbat.com ^ | July 25th, 2014 | Gemma Klatzko

Posted on 07/25/2014 12:45:23 PM PDT by EinNYC

I don’t know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low… even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:

1) The ‘Start’ button has been replaced with a ‘Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!’ button.

2) You hear ‘Hava Nagila’ during start up.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, ‘Is this the best you can do?’

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, ‘If your mother knew you did this, she would die.’

6) It comes with a ‘monitor cleaning solution’ from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the ‘schmutz und drek.’

7) When running ‘Scan Disk’ it prompts you with a ‘You want I should fix this?’ message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, ‘Schloffen' ["to sleep"].

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

10) It comes with two hard drives – one for fleyshedik ["meat"] (business software) and one for milchedik ["milk"] (games).

11) Instead of getting a ‘General Protection Fault’ error, your PC now gets ‘Ferklempt.’ [choked with emotion]

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to ‘Nu, so play my music already!’

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud ‘Oy Gevalt!’ ["Oh, woe is me"]

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to ‘Remove the cable from the PC’s tuchus.’ ["backside"]

16) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours. [Jewish dead must be buried within 24 hours]

17) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can’t get SPAM… [definitely NOT kosher!]


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS:
Oy vey! It's like a boxed version of your mother! And the operating system is GUILT 1.0.
1 posted on 07/25/2014 12:45:23 PM PDT by EinNYC
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To: EinNYC

Cute.


2 posted on 07/25/2014 12:50:30 PM PDT by RoosterRedux (Obama: Race is his cover...jihad is his game.)
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To: EinNYC

LOL


3 posted on 07/25/2014 12:52:11 PM PDT by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously-you won't live through it anyway-Enjoy Yourself ala Louis Prima)
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To: RoosterRedux

Countdown to the first “I am offended” response.

10...9...8...7...


4 posted on 07/25/2014 12:53:52 PM PDT by Walrus (I love the America that used to be ---I hate the America that now IS!)
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To: Walrus

Sorry, this is not DU...


5 posted on 07/25/2014 12:55:20 PM PDT by MrB (The difference between a Humanist and a Satanist - the latter admits whom he's working for)
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To: EinNYC

the operating system

Your mother buys you two new shirts, you wear one to please
her and she says, “What, you didn’t like the other one?”.


6 posted on 07/25/2014 12:58:55 PM PDT by tet68 ( " We would not die in that man's company, that fears his fellowship to die with us...." Henry V.)
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To: EinNYC

Haha! I’ve always wished I could speak Yiddish.


7 posted on 07/25/2014 12:59:40 PM PDT by RushIsMyTeddyBear (Great vid by ShorelineMike! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOZjJk6nbD4&feature=plcp)
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To: Walrus
Countdown to the first “I am offended” response.

Then you'll have to wait for the first muslim computer.

When it's user gets offended, it explodes.

8 posted on 07/25/2014 1:01:05 PM PDT by RoosterRedux (Obama: Race is his cover...jihad is his game.)
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To: Walrus; All
its for it's
9 posted on 07/25/2014 1:02:18 PM PDT by RoosterRedux (Obama: Race is his cover...jihad is his game.)
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To: EinNYC

http://www.johnspeedie.com/healy/yoy.wav


10 posted on 07/25/2014 1:11:14 PM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: EinNYC

Ha! I like it.


11 posted on 07/25/2014 1:13:28 PM PDT by Liberty Valance (Keep a simple manner for a happy life :o)
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To: CaptainAmiigaf; Bloody Sam Roberts

oy! funny! ping!


12 posted on 07/25/2014 1:17:05 PM PDT by Mrs. B.S. Roberts
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To: RoosterRedux

“Silence! I KEEL YOU!”


13 posted on 07/25/2014 1:19:13 PM PDT by MrB (The difference between a Humanist and a Satanist - the latter admits whom he's working for)
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To: EinNYC

I invented the first redneck computer but it never really went anywhere. For starters, if you spelled something right it would correct it. It also cost to much to operate; it ran on beer. It had a dog instead of a mouse. The cursor inserted four letter words about every third word. Worst of all, Windows had no screen so anything could come in when it opened.


14 posted on 07/25/2014 1:20:15 PM PDT by inpajamas (http://outskirtspress.com/ONE)
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To: Walrus

Not from Freeper Jews

My computer does this, as does my iPhone and iPad. It’s an app.

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

Mainly because I will check it unless it is off.


15 posted on 07/25/2014 1:22:02 PM PDT by Jewbacca (The residents of Iroquois territory may not determine whether Jews may live in Jerusalem)
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To: RushIsMyTeddyBear

“aha! I’ve always wished I could speak Yiddish.”

My mother always told me, “if you can’t say something nice about a person, say it in Yiddish.”


16 posted on 07/25/2014 1:23:19 PM PDT by Jewbacca (The residents of Iroquois territory may not determine whether Jews may live in Jerusalem)
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To: EinNYC

I suppose instead of bugs it gets locusts.


17 posted on 07/25/2014 1:24:36 PM PDT by Telepathic Intruder (The only thing the Left has learned from the failures of socialism is not to call it that)
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To: RoosterRedux

“hen you’ll have to wait for the first muslim computer.”

1. It doesn’t work.
2. Demands its own desk, then room, then house.
3. Kills all other electronic equipment in the house.


18 posted on 07/25/2014 1:24:54 PM PDT by Jewbacca (The residents of Iroquois territory may not determine whether Jews may live in Jerusalem)
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To: EinNYC

FWIW, there’s turkey Spam, which could be kosher...


19 posted on 07/25/2014 1:27:03 PM PDT by chajin ("There is no other name under heaven given among people by which we must be saved." Acts 4:12)
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To: Jewbacca
And when you Google the muslim porn sites, this is what you get...


20 posted on 07/25/2014 1:39:32 PM PDT by RoosterRedux (Obama: Race is his cover...jihad is his game.)
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To: Walrus
Countdown to the first “I am offended” response.

Who would be offended? I'm not Jewish and I think that the stuff I understand is funny...although I don't understand all of it.

21 posted on 07/25/2014 1:44:52 PM PDT by Gay State Conservative (Rat Party Policy:Lie,Deny,Refuse To Comply)
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To: RushIsMyTeddyBear

There is no better language on earth for insulting someone. Yiddish combines the gutteral-ness of German with the sibilance of Russian. It’s an inimitable synthesis.


22 posted on 07/25/2014 1:45:45 PM PDT by IronJack
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To: EinNYC

At one time there was “Jewhoo.com”


23 posted on 07/25/2014 2:03:02 PM PDT by SkyDancer (If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper you are misinformed)
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To: Walrus

Meh - Groisseh gedilleh!


24 posted on 07/25/2014 2:19:38 PM PDT by SkyDancer (If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper you are misinformed)
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To: EinNYC

Snagless network cables are not allowed.

25 posted on 07/25/2014 2:29:08 PM PDT by KarlInOhio (The IRS: either criminally irresponsible in backup procedures or criminally responsible of coverup.)
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To: Jewbacca

:)


26 posted on 07/25/2014 2:34:38 PM PDT by RushIsMyTeddyBear (Great vid by ShorelineMike! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOZjJk6nbD4&feature=plcp)
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