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Posted on 05/29/2019 12:52:42 PM PDT by sodpoodle
At my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat. A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play mah jongg.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the "hereafter".
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest Mark Twain
(You can't make up this stuff)
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence I see on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money issues with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own family like this?!
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much and it's gotten so bad, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Remember, these people stand in line with you to cast their votes...
You now know why the Founding Fathers had deep concerns about democracy!
LOL!!! I love it when you post these threads!
The late Dr. Peter Steincrohn's philosophy, in a nutshell.
I love Mark Twain.
Here’s a Jewish addition:
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, peace. With the fourth, a Danish.
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. Youll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
The Torah says,Love thy neighbor as thyself. The Buddha says there is no self. So, maybe you are off the hook.
The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But, first, a little nosh.
Patron: “Do you have any books on Jewish mothers?”
Librarian: “Yes, but you wouldn’t like them. But go ahead, read whatever you like, you never listen to me anyway, I’m just chopped liver to you.”
Elderly woman in confessional;
“Bless me Father for I have sinned,
Last night I killed a politician.”
“My daughter, I’m here to listen to your sins,
not your community service work.”
A Jewish Cowboy’s Guide To A Happy Life
2. There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
While getting ready for bed, an elderly man asked his wife, “Did you brush your teeth yet?”
To which his wife replied, “Yes, and while I was at it I brushed yours too.”
I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older.......younger.
As I got older I thought I was getting lazy, but it turns out I am just being more energy efficient.
I don’t want to say I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day
“The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao demands nothing of others.”
True story: My (now ex)wife mentioned this in a discussion we once had on world religion. She had read of Tao (pronounced “dow”). She said it was supposedly a mystical force that was beneficial, could heal, bring good fortune, blah, blah, blah. Sensing an opportunity, I replied: “Wow, interesting. I guess that’s what they mean by “Dow helps you do great things.”.
That was the end of the conversation.
And always remember - the woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the start of a new argument.
“The only way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run!”
- Fred Allen
IMO she thought that you were not taking her seriously when in fact you were just trying to make a joke (at an inappropriate time).
Or, as in a movie I just saw:
Pierce Brosnan(husband): You understand me.
Emma Thompson (wife): Yes, well I’m a trained child psychologist.
My Mother said She had the Here fours.
She would walk into a room and the ask “What the Heck did I come in here for ?”
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