Skip to comments.MLB To Speed Up Games By Replacing Umpires With Bears
Posted on 10/19/2019 5:08:23 PM PDT by Norski
NEW YORK, NYLots of people think that baseball is boring, criticizing the game for long pauses between pitches and lots of annoying, dull things like "strategy" and "thinking."
The MLB is looking to appeal to these people, announcing in a press conference today that they will be replacing all umpires with bears. While the bear umpires have been tested in triple-A ball for some time now, the rule change will first take effect in the majors during this year's World Series.
Instead of calling balls and strikes, the bears will usually just eat the catcher, batter, pitcher, and most of the infield. Game attendance is expected to skyrocket.
"We polled people who don't like baseball, and the number one complaint was that there are no bears eating everybody," said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. "We're now changing all that. Games are going to be faster-paced, with more baserunning, and even just more running in general. Like of the 'running for your life' variety."
In one AAA game in Fresno, the Fresno Grizzlies only managed to get one hit before the bears ate them. Luckily, though, the bears also ate the defense and also the crowd. Since the only survivor was a bloodied Grizzly batboy who fled the stadium screaming for help, the Grizzlies were granted the win.
"More bears mean more excitement," said Manfred. "It will be really fun to see which teams manage to claw their way to the top with these new rules."
kind of lame for The B
I’ll send some of my Bears. I’m getting kind of tired of them hanging around up here anyway....
Let’s think bigger guys... sharks. How about Basenados?
It does seem a tad flat without the captioned photo at the website, true. The article does, however, appeal highly to my sense of the ridiculous. Thank you for your comment. Norski.
The Bee got sold by the founder a while ago...
Quality dropped off.
Will they cut their pay because of less work ,LOL
Looks like they watched the previous season of American Dad.
You dont have to outrun the bear. You just have to outrun the other player.
I have seen some nasty propaganda on television masquerading as news, but I have never felt so completely lied to as the Ken Burns “baseball” documentary.
They had some old baseball guy named Bob Uker on there who claimed “baseball isn’t as boring as it looks.
My faith in humanity was shattered.
It was a honey of a deal...
The Davey Crocketts nine can handle Bars.
They’re getting lamer and lamer. Truly pathetic excuse for satire or humor.
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