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SATIRE After Senseless Murder Of Goliath, Philistines Call For Ban On Fully Automatic, High-Capacity Slings
Babylon Bee ^ | 1/21/20

Posted on 01/22/2020 7:48:32 PM PST by Impala64ssa

VALLEY OF ELAH—After local homegrown terrorist David slew Goliath with a fully automatic, high-capacity sling, Philistine activists began calling for common-sense bans on the dangerous weapons of mass destruction.

"Nobody needs a sling that holds five rocks just to go hunting or protect their sheep," said one Philistine woman with pink hair and several face piercings. "This tragedy could have been avoided if only David were forced to use one of the old bolt-action model slings."

Investigators believe the shepherd boy, radicalized by religious texts, built up an arsenal of approximately five hollow-point, armor-piercing rocks, "a deadly stockpile."

"Can you imagine if he had opened fire in a crowded market or around the village well?"

Many Philistines offered "thoughts and prayers" to Dagon, but activists continue to insist "your thoughts and prayers are not enough."


TOPICS: History; Humor; Religion
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; banglist; david; satire
When slingshots are outlawed....
1 posted on 01/22/2020 7:48:32 PM PST by Impala64ssa
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To: Impala64ssa

Way to highlight the absurdity of the current state of our country.


2 posted on 01/22/2020 7:51:07 PM PST by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith...)
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To: Impala64ssa

Omarites offer condolences to Goliath’s family. Accuses Trump of disproportionate response. DemonicRATS say there was no evidence Philistines were planning imminent attack.


3 posted on 01/22/2020 7:53:34 PM PST by Texas Eagle (If it wasn't for double-standards, Liberals would have no standards at all -- Texas Eagle)
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To: Impala64ssa

Schumerites suggest King Saul’s reckless provocation could increase tensions in the region leading to future discord.


4 posted on 01/22/2020 7:56:30 PM PST by Texas Eagle (If it wasn't for double-standards, Liberals would have no standards at all -- Texas Eagle)
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To: Impala64ssa

All good and well. As for me, satire concerning the Bible is inappropriate. God will not be mocked, however you see it.....


5 posted on 01/22/2020 7:56:54 PM PST by Fungi
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To: Impala64ssa

But think of the children!!!


6 posted on 01/22/2020 8:01:02 PM PST by MuttTheHoople
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To: Impala64ssa
Well, he was just minding his own business and threatening Jews, right? Kinda like New York.
7 posted on 01/22/2020 8:08:32 PM PST by Bullish (Covfefe Happens)
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To: Impala64ssa

Why, David wasn’t even a military soldier, yet they let him use a fully automatic assault sling?


8 posted on 01/22/2020 8:09:38 PM PST by Secret Agent Man (Gone Galt; Not Averse to Going Bronson.)
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To: Fungi

Satire that makes fun of the bible or at its expense is one thing.

This is not making fun of the bible or at its expense. It is illustrating the absurdity of people today and extrapolating their libtard values onto an experience in the past, thereby exposing the ridiculous of their unworkable moronic values.


9 posted on 01/22/2020 8:13:10 PM PST by Secret Agent Man (Gone Galt; Not Averse to Going Bronson.)
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To: Impala64ssa

Right on the mark!


10 posted on 01/22/2020 8:15:22 PM PST by Inyo-Mono
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To: Impala64ssa

There must be at least one Catholic on the staff of the Babylon Bee. This is one of the Scripture readings that were read at Daily Mass today.


11 posted on 01/22/2020 8:31:43 PM PST by fidelis (Zonie and USAF Cold Warrior)
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To: Impala64ssa

I prefer the double barrel slingshots myself....


12 posted on 01/22/2020 8:54:34 PM PST by Romans Nine
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To: Impala64ssa

As usual, The Babylon Bee since liberal ‘thinking’...


13 posted on 01/22/2020 8:57:49 PM PST by Deplorable American1776 (Proud to be a DeplorableAmerican with a Deplorable Family...even the dog is, too. :-))
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To: Impala64ssa

We need sensible sling laws- ban these weapons of war-


14 posted on 01/22/2020 8:59:42 PM PST by Bob434
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To: Fungi

God gave you a sense of humor.


15 posted on 01/22/2020 9:47:13 PM PST by Crazieman (Civil war is near certain now.)
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To: Crazieman

I think God HAS a sense of humor.

After all, He created ostriches,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And democrats.


16 posted on 01/23/2020 1:59:41 AM PST by FroggyTheGremlim (Plunk your magic twanger, Froggy!)
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To: Crazieman

Even crazy men?


17 posted on 01/23/2020 12:11:57 PM PST by Fungi
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To: Impala64ssa

IIRC, wrist braced slingshots are illegal in NYS.


18 posted on 01/23/2020 12:18:55 PM PST by mewzilla (Break out the mustard seeds.)
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