Posted on 04/17/2020 6:55:15 AM PDT by Colonial35
It’s almost a haiku
There’s hardly any
Peanut butter in the fridge.
I am so sorry.
I changed the lightbulb
but the color’s different.
DON’T BLAME ME!!!! Shut up.
Haiku on Meth? ;)
A man walked into a bar... The bastard...
Apparently there is a whole subgenre of Breaking Bad haiku
https://blueskyhaiku.wordpress.com/
Tear-crumpled looseleaf
pinned to jersey, heartbroken
babble: “ma-ma-ma…”
Those are bananas, officer, with 30 seeds each!
I went to the Red Cross today to do my part and donate blood. Wow, do they ask a ton of questions! Why is it so much? Where have you been? What’s it doing in that bucket?
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.
The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well... Kiss your Ass good-bye.
“Shor’ and where’ll we find a band at three o’clock in the morning?”
Little Johnny’s neighbors had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother brought the new baby home from the
hospital, Little Johnny’s family was invited over to see him.Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s
missing ears or even said the word, “ears”, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he
understood completely.
When Little Johnny looked into the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.” The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.”
Little Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.
Can he see?” asked Little Johnny.
“Yes” , the mother replied, “we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.” “That’s great”, said Little Johnny, “cuz he’d be
s*^t outta luck if he needed glasses.”
Two Women Talking In Heaven:
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I ‘m Sylvia. How’d you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But
instead, I found him all by himself in the
den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up
into
the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went
through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted
that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer......... we’d
both still be alive.
Tom, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He
sat down next to AOC at the bar and stared up at the TV. The
10:00 news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man
on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
AOC looks at Tom and says, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Tom says, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
AOC replies, “Well, I bet he won’t.” Tom placed a $20 bill
on the bar and said, “You’re on!” Just as AOC places her money
on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building,
falling to his death.
AOC was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Tom,
saying, Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Tom replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
o’clock news and so I knew he would jump.”
AOC replies, “I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Tom took the money.
Deep thoughts for those who take life too seriously.
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like...night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK . . . so what’s the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?
25. Just remember - if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates.... it’s more like a jar of jalapeno’s. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
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