Skip to comments.Understanding Engineers
Posted on 07/04/2003 9:40:23 AM PDT by optimistically_conservative
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
"The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
"The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
--Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train.
The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
A group of Q.A. inspectors were given the assignment of measuring the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures, the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the inspectors and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one inspector turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
AND MY FAVORITE ENGINEER JOKE:
Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, an artist and an engineer. All three had offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked "Face up or face down?"
"Face down", said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
So the executioner raised the blade and z-z-z-zing! Down came the blade, and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution was aborted for any reason, the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.
Then the artist was led to the guillotine. The executioner asked, "Face up or face down?"
"Face down", said the artist
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
So the executioner raised the blade and z-z-z-zing! Down came the blade, and again it stopped barely an inch above the artist's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution was aborted for any reason, the prisoner had to be released, so the artist was set free.
Finally, the engineer was led to the guillotine. The executioner asked, "Face up or face down?"
"Face up", said the engineer
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
The executioner raised the blade, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:
"WAIT! I see what the problem is!"
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are forced to share a hotel room at a sold-out conference. In the middle of the night, a fire breaks out in the room. The engineer wakes up, looks around, grabs the wastebasket, fills it with water, and puts out the fire and then goes back to sleep.
Well, he must have missed a few embers, because the fire started up again. This time the physicist woke up. He grabbed an envelope and pencil, computed how much water would be required to put out the fire, filled the trashcan with that much water, put out the fire, and returned to sleep.
Don't you just know his calcs were a little off (he was groggy from sleep) and the fire started up again. This time the mathematician awoke. He saw the fire. He saw the wastebasket. He saw the faucet. He said, "A solution exists!" and went back to sleep. By this time the others were awake too. They shook him and said, "Aren't you forgetting something?" Puzzled, he looked around again. "Aha! It's not unique!"...and went back to sleep.
He recounted that during testing of a bomber, the test pilot reported flutter at 427 knots. The General was in a tizzy. "Call the aeroelastician! Get him over here!"
So they call him up. "We've got flutter at 427 knots!"
"That's wonderful!" he exclaimed.
"What? Are you crazy? The General is very upset! How can you say it is wonderful?!?"
"You must not have read my report. I predicted flutter at 425 knots!"
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer are traveling in a rental car. On a stretch of desert highway, the car sputters and dies. The three engineers suggest different approaches to fixing the car and getting underway:
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the car's electrical system and testing the components.
The mechanical engineer suggests flushing the fuel system.
The Microsoft engineer offers, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows again and see if it works?"
"You have freed me from the lamp," the genie says, "I will give each one of you one wish."
The electrical engineer says "I want to be on a racing yacht in the south pacific surrounded by babes." He vanishes.
The mechanical engineer says "I want to be riding a Harley in the southwest, surrounded by babes." He vanishes.
The program manager says "We're on a tight schedule, can you have those guys back after lunch?"
Overpriced, delayed, and far too tedious.
True story, if inflated somewhat. The company was General Electric. The bill was $10,000. The engineer was Charles Proteus Steinmetz.
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