Skip to comments.Not Tonight, Honey. I'm Logging On.
Posted on 10/15/2003 5:19:41 PM PDT by Lorianne
For Jonathanan attractive, Ivy League educated musician and adjunct professorit all started a couple of years ago, when he was working as a temp in the sleek offices of a Madison Avenue ad agency. There he was, seated at his desk, half-heartedly going over pitches for new accounts, when a colleague tapped him on the shoulder.
Hey, man, you gotta check this out. The co-worker spoke in a whisper.
Just come over here.
Jonathanwho is 33 and speaks with the hapless charm of a Nick Hornby protagonistmade his way over to the neighboring cubicle, where, on the Macs fifteen-inch screen, a pixelated young woman was making love to a machine that resembled a Pilates apparatus. The image, he says, wasnt for me, but it did send an impossible-to-ignore signal to that region of the male brain where curiosity and testosterone intersect. I was like, Oh, I want to see whats out there, he says. At the time, I barely understood what a link was, but it didnt take too long to figure it all out.
Indeed not. Suddenly, cyberporn seemed to be everywhere Jonathan went. While in the recording studio, he found that the producer, a real straight-up guy, was constantly procrastinating with Internet porn. Sometimes Id drop in unexpectedly, like when he was supposed to be mixing my stuff, and hed be at the computer, staring at pornography, going, Oh, Im sorry, Im sorry, Jonathan recalls. At first, he had the attitude like, Look at how awful this is, because, obviously, we were both supposed to be these educated men. And Id say, Yeah, thats awful. But the whole time, wed be exchanging these knowing glances like, But its kind of cool, too, isnt it?
It became a once-a-day habitone that, these days, Jonathan admits has gotten somewhat out of hand. For instance, before most dates, he finds himself logging onto TheHun.net, one of many sites that cull and categorize free porn daily, so Im not so anxious. He now jokes about the Internet as the vortex of self-hatred because of how it can turn mere diversion into a self-destructive act: Ill have a ton of papers to grade, but instead Ill be like, Lets jerk off to the Internet first. So I go online, but then I despise myself. I look up, and my computer says Ive been online for 47 minutes and Im like, What the hell have I been doing?!
His latest foray into teaching hasnt helped matters: Jonathan uses the universitys high-speed connection to download pornography onto floppy discs, he says, because my dial-up at home is monstrously slow. Which, he acknowledges, has produced another unorthodox temptation. God, its so fucked up, he says. I go into the computer lab, right? And Im looking at it, and there are these girls all around in their little cubicles, and, I dont know, I want to see if I can reach orgasm right there. Discreetly, he has managed to succeed in this mission a few times.
I think part of the thrill is the danger element. Its like a Portnoy thing, Jonathan says. Its an apt allusion, except for one difference: Philip Roths chronic masturbator, Alexander Portnoy, was a high-school freshman, not a 33-year-old professor.
Its not news, of course, that men are into pornor that the Internet has made it possible to delve into the dirty without slipping into the back room at a video store or hunkering down in a Times Square peep booth. But in the same manner that looking for flings online went from deviant to de rigueur behavior, the mass consumption of cyberporn has slyly moved from the pathetic stereotypes (fugitive perverts, frustrated husbands) into the potent mainstream (young professionals, perhaps your boyfriend). Thanks to the advent of cable modems and DSL connections, its now easier than ever to scan lewd material in the privacy of your own home. One minute youre reading the New York Times, and then two clicks on Google andoops!youre downloading highlights from Jenna Jamesons oeuvre.
And why not? After all, we live in a society that not only has embraced porn but giddily lavishes it with high-brow attention. Frank Rich analyzes adult entertainment in the Times. Writer Irvine Welsh revisits the Trainspotting crew as it makes a skin flick in his latest novel, Porno. Timothy Greenfield-Sanders offers a coffee-table book of photographs of porn starswith essays by literary typesand its snatched up by an A-list publisher. Porn is not merely acceptable; its hip.
Of course, for those not just talking about it but consuming it, cyberspace offers the luxury of total anonymity. A graduate-student friend of mine who admits to looking at I-porn daily puts it: You dont want to rent a porn movie, which in and of itself is seedy, just bringing the thing to the counter. Being anonymous is very cool. Youre watching it in the confines of your own home, with your own music playingtheres a certain comfort. In my case, I can always turn it off and look at ESPN.com.
Cyberporn has become the raunchy wallpaper to these respectable lives. A 43-year-old trader at a prominent firm spends much of his downtime trading porneverything from unauthorized photos of Hollywood stars to twisted S&M picswith his colleagues. Its just something to amuse you when youre bored, he says. Its just therelike white noise.
A 30-year-old fashion editor was recently floored to discover that two of her most estimable male friends were skilled navigators of the Internets seedier sites. I was at my country house the other weekend when all of a sudden I see that they were casually staring at ViolentRussians.com and Trannies.com, she says. What was most bizarre is how no one really cared. Emily Kramer, the 25-year-old co-founder of Cake, a female sexual-entertainment company, explains that the subject is utterly commonplace among her nouveau-bohemian pals. Its like a joke among my close male friends, she says. Ill ask, What did you do last night? and they say, I was up till five in the morning jerking off to the Internet. Its just like, Oh, whatever.
Even Dawson is doing it: In the recent film adaptation of the Bret Easton Ellis novel The Rules of Attraction, theres a scene in which James Van Der Beek mulls over his options on a Friday night at an elite university, one of them being I could go back to my room, play the guitar, and masturbate to broadband-speed Internet porn.
It may be a viable laugh line, but when does it stop being funny? Over beers recently, a 26-year-old businessman friend shocked me by casually remarking, Dude, all of my friends are so obsessed with Internet porn that they cant sleep with their girlfriends unless they act like porn stars. A 20-year-old college student who bartends at a popular Soho lounge describes how an I-porn-filled adolescence shaped his perceptions of sex. Looking at Internet porn was pretty much my sex education, he says. I mean, in school, it was just, Heres a gigantic wooden dildo, and now were putting a condom on it, whereas on the Internet, you had it all. I remember the first time I had sex, my first thought as it was happening was, Oh, this is pornography. It was a kind of out-of-body experience. I was really uncomfortable with sex for a while.
Dr. Ursula Ofman, a Manhattan-based sex therapist, says that shes seen many young men coming in to chat about I-porn-related issues. Its so accessible, and now, with things like streaming video and Webcams, guys are getting sucked into a compulsive behavior, she says. Whats most regrettable is that it can really affect relationships with women. Ive seen some young men lately who cant get aroused with women but have no problem interacting with the Internet. I think a big danger is that young men who are constantly exposed to these fake, always-willing women start to have unreal expectations from real women, which makes them phobic about relationships. Also, she surmises that cyberporn may play a role in what she describes as the truly stunning things women today feel obliged to do sexually with a manwhether its something like anal penetration or simply not bothering to please themselves.
All of which raises a question: How much is Internet porn screwing with the way a generation of young men view women?
If you hang out at Suite 16, the trendy Chelsea lounge popular with Britney Spears and every impossibly lithe model in town, theres a good chance youve seen Rick. He is 24, has shaggy blond hair and a body sculpted from three days a week at New York Sports Club, and, when he goes out, tends to sport a dapper pair of black Calvin Klein slacks and a crisp white Hugo Boss button-down. A graduate of one of the countrys top universities, he is on the rise at a good midtown law firm and shares a Williamsburg loft with two roommates. He hangs out at Suite 16 because he likes to be part of the scene and also because the girlsin their teeny tank topsare simply ridiculous.
But, speaking of the girls, theres one small problem: Rick, despite his good looks, is intimidated by them. Girls like that are waiting for Derek Jeter to walk in, or a movie star, or a 50-year-old guy to be their sugar daddy, he explains. They want someone at the pinnacle of his career, who lives on Fifth Avenuenot someone who lives in Williamsburg with two other dudes.
Rick has a solutionof sorts. Thing is, you can find a million girls just like them online, he says. And theyre naked, doing whatever you want them to do. And so hell often find himself stumbling home at four in the morning and going online to search out digital copies of the women hes just seen gyrating on the dance floor. Rick admits his isnt exactly the healthiest outlook on dating. I think its a substitute for reality, he says. What you cant get through real life, you can get through porn.
Like many other guys his age, Rick, who has never rented an X-rated video and considers strip clubs a little gross, discovered Internet porn in high school, and hell tell you about it with all the whimsy of a high-school football star waxing nostalgic about his early years on the JV squad. I remember it clear as day. It just dawned on me: I can type in Pamela Anderson, and naked pictures of her will come up from Playboy! But it wasnt until college, when he was introduced to an Ethernet connection, that looking at online pornography became a daily habit. Think about it. Youre 18, your hormones are out of control, and youve got these beautiful women cavorting in all kinds of sexual positions on the screen right in front of you. You know theyre there. You have to look. Everyone in college these days is pretty into it.
Though Rick, who has never had a serious girlfriend, doesnt consider looking at cyberporn a problematic pastime, he will admit that it has affected his interactions with womenand not just those apparitions at Suite 16. I think its made me more picky, he says. These girls on the computer are just so hot. Obviously, you want to get with a girl like that. So you may be at a bar with a girl, and shes really cool, but shes not a 10, you know? Shes cool, shes cute, but you quickly start to notice flaws. Meanwhile, the women who manage to come off as relatively flawless are curiously categorized in his mind: Say I see a girl whos hot, Ill think, That girl is like a porn star! At the same time, he adds, Id be worried if I met a girl at a bar and three hours later we were in bed.
Recently, Rick was working late and during a break went online and typed in Heidi Klum, because, you know, shes so hot. The browser responded with CENSORED CATEGORY: SWIMSUIT AND LINGERIE. What the hell was this? He tried again. CENSORED CATEGORY: ADULT. It was like being caught with a Penthouse by an eagle-eyed nun. When I first started there, you could look at porn, he says. Id just glimpse at it when I was stressed out. You just go to Google and type in blowjobs.
And yet hes never worried that his relationship with I-porn has veered from campy to creepy. I mean, come on, porn just isnt so off-limits anymore, he says. Porns everywhere, its in your face! Jenna Jamesons a cultural icon!
She most certainly isand thats just the tip of the iceberg. Next week, Fox will debut Skin, a Jerry Bruckheimerproduced hourlong drama featuring prime times first porn king. HBO, meanwhile, is shooting Pornucopia, a six-part documentary on the world of pornography in Californias San Fernando Valley, and the ladies of Sex and the City have saucily deconstructed porn on more than one episode. The Onion constantly parodies Joe Publics porn habits (classic headline: IRONIC PORN PURCHASE LEADS TO UNIRONIC EJACULATION), and the hit Broadway musical Avenue Q dedicates a number to Internet porn sung by Trekkie, a character whose occupation is listed on the Website as Internet Porn Addict. During a recent rant about the blackout on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, the cantankerous comedian Lewis Black huffed, Now, I always heard that the biggest souvenir of any blackout was unplanned pregnancies. Well, I didnt have any sex during the blackout. How could I? My computer wasnt working.
And speaking of Jenna Jameson, she was recently plastered on a billboard in Times Square, she has spoken at the Oxford Union, and her autobiography is being ghostwritten by Neil Strauss, a Times critic.
Perhaps the most explicit evidence of mainstreaming is the recent launch of classy sex sites designed to appeal to the smart set. While most are filled with the predictable material (Gorgeous Asian Kinky Sex and Lovely Licking Lesbians read two links from PersianKitty.com, a popular free site), there are now destinations creeping into the porn pantheon that are a touch more, for lack of a better word, tasteful.
Recently, I was on a date with a guy, and it came up that he didnt look at Internet porn. I was shocked! My general notion is that every guy does.
Currently, the most prominent is SuicideGirls.com, which was launched just under two years ago and gets 500,000 unique visitors a week, making the co-founders, Sean and Missy Suicide (dont ask), a comfortable living off subscribers and advertisers. The site is aimed at those who thought the shy drama chick with the black eyeliner and the nose ring was the sexiest girl in high school (e.g., every guy in Williamsburg). There are thousands of photos of such young womenpierced, tattooed, bleached, you name itwho are paid $200 to be photographed in the buff. Also, to make clear that they arent sexual objects but rather empowered, they post profiles expounding on their favorite bands (Radiohead, Björk), writers (Vonnegut, Bukowski), and sexual positions (With my boot in your face). Bizarrely, the site also publishes articles on whether Internet porn is harmful.
Were not a porn site so much as a pinup site, says Sean, pointing out two major differences: (1) Theres no penetration to be found on SuicideGirls.com, and (2) these women truly want to be doing it, unlike the debased women in mainstream porn who are really just used for the money shot. Its a community, he adds. Like Friendster.comonly the girls are naked. Its the nearest thing you can find to a politically correct porn site.
Dan couldnt believe it. Here he was, walking across campus on a glittering spring day last year to talk to the school psychologist. Now a 23-year-old aspiring indie rocker with an entry-level job in the music industry, he knew that everyone devoured cyberporn. Guys joked about it, girls rolled their eyes ironically, and one of his roommates, a smart computer-science major, was even considering starting his own I-porn franchise. Nonetheless, Dan was starting to worry about his porn habit.
At first, it was kind of a natural thing, and then it got compulsive, he says. Id feel unnatural when I went to bed if I didnt look at it. Then I said to myself, Okay, Im gonna go a week without it. But I could only make it three or four days.
Moreover, his once-a-day habit was having some peculiar effects on his relationship with his girlfriend. He was in love, yes, and had been committed to her for over four years, but their sex life remained, for him, lets just say, missionary. However, the thought of discussing this with her made him jitteryafter all, in all other respects, the relationship was workingand so, he says, Id use Internet pornography to get what I wasnt getting sexually. Say I was really horny. Well, Id go out with my girlfriend, and then, after, Id look at it. On other occasions, hed peek at it beforehand, much the way certain men rely on Viagra, and then Id be like an animal with her, trying to superimpose her with all these images in my head. Then, during a break from the relationship, he found himself in bed with another girl and inquiring, out of nowhere, if he could photograph her nude and post it on the Internet. (No thanks, she said.) It was like a drug, Dan says. I just started to feel so bad about it. Id think about how these girls I looked at were being exploited, but then I still couldnt stop. It was totally screwing with the way I thought I should be seeing women.
Still, there remained something comicalridiculous, evenabout being in the fluorescent-lit office of a psychologist waiting to exorcise his demons.
So why dont we start by having you tell me why youre here today, the therapist said as Dan sat down.
He took a series of deep breaths. Then, nervously, he voiced his concerns. Oh, relax, said the therapist. Theres been a lot of guys lately coming in to talk about the very same thing . . .
I couldnt believe it! Dan recalls with a chuckle. I never went back to her. I told myself, Okay, I made an effort to stop looking at it. He pauses for a moment, then adds, But it didnt change anything. Its really a slippery slope, says David Marcus, a psychologist who runs a counseling group for men who hope to curtail their cyberporn habits by chatting openly in a half-circle. Its not as if looking at pornography of any sort is, hands-down, a bad activity. Certain men are inspired by it, and others with low sex drives can use it to get aroused. Couples, too, can often use it positively.
Nonetheless, Marcus is certain it can have negative ramifications, and at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, where he works with Alvin Cooper, editor of the book Sex and the Internet, they break them down in pretty crude (if seemingly random) terms: Our research has shown that if you spend more than eleven hours a week looking at Internet pornography, then it is starting to become problematic. Not that all men whove become compulsive consumers are eager to be treated. Most of the men I see are here because their girlfriends are annoyedthey think its almost like having an affair. Others found themselves in trouble or even fired for looking at it at work.
It doesnt take a Mensa card to understand the appeal of limitless free and frisky women to the male mind. Still, Marcus says, there are more complex factors at work. It makes sense in a way, because, especially in urban environments, our professional lives are very much go-go-go!, and we put our emotions to the sides, he explains. Porn can provide an instant soothing to emotional stress. Ursula Ofman, the Manhattan-based sex therapist, agrees: The Internet provides such an easy out that you can manage without any real-life contact for a long time, she says. And since Internet porn is so accessible, its often very difficult to wean men from it. Marcus prefers to classify I-porn consumption as a compulsion rather than as an addiction. The difference? Theres an anxiety component to it, he says. In medical terms, we call it ego dystonic, which basically means that its a behavior that goes against your sense of self.
Jill was in love. It was the late nineties, she was a sophomore at a competitive state university, and she found herself smitten with Kyle, a junior with a confident strut who also happened to be the editor of the school newspaper, which won him instant parental approval. By the end of that year, they were a serious couple. Jill knew that she had discovered not only true love but, to put it bluntly, great sex as well.
So when, after a year, she learned that Kyle spent quite a bit of time looking at pornographyfirst online, then, eventually, on videos tooshe wasnt immediately put off, despite being a psychology major who seriously questioned the morality of porn. I was the kind of girlfriend who was up for anything sexually, says Jill, who is 25, has hazel eyes, and works in PR. When we were having sex, hed call me his porn star, and I thought that was hot.
In time, this changed. Kyle would sometimes e-mail her links to sites he thought were really hot, which made Jill more than a little uncomfortable. Sometimes, shed drop by his house for a surprise visit and hed have already exhausted himself with the computer. Then, when she was a senior, the campus scandal of the year was when a student videotaped herself masturbating and someone intercepted the tape, Jill says. People were mass-marketing it on the Web. Kyle at that point had moved to New York, where he quickly made a name for himself in publishing. He heard about it and asked me to get him a copy! she says. Later still, he suggested they watch a movie together, which turned out to be a bad idea. I figured wed laugh about it, but all of a sudden he was so serious and into it, Jill says sadly. I wanted to giggle, and he was raring to go. I was like, Can we turn this off? I was grossed out a little.
They have since broken up, and have stopped talking. He was a lot more innocent when he was younger, she says. He was looking for love and companionship. Now he just wants a good lay. Im sure hes looking for some huge-breasted, tight-assed bitch.
Now that Jill is single, she finds that porn has also complicated her general outlook on men. The other day, I was on a date with a guy and somehow it came up that he didnt look at Internet porn, she says. I was shocked! I mean, my general notion is that every guy does. And theres something else she finds disconcerting: The few experiences Ive had with guys who dont look at it, the sex hasnt been very good.
That said, shed like to find a man who doesnt need to look at hard-core sex every nightonline or anywhere else. These days, she feels very jaded about love and sex, but every so often, she finds her cynicism dissolving. For instance, shell be out with friends, lounging in a bar on the Lower East Side, sipping a beer, and surrounding her are plenty of clean young men. Many have impressive careers. Many are quite witty. In general, they all just seem so . . . nice. As she puts it: I think it will be really rare, and hopefully it will happen, that I can meet a guy who will be happy with only me.
I think FR is probably a more difficult habit to break, though.
On every browser on every computer I own or use (and this includes my pocket PC!), I'm never more than one click away from "http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/browse?ao=1."
Nonsense. I can quit FR anytime I want to. Really, I can. I just don't want to. But I can, really.
Actually, I think Jonathan has his 'habit' well 'in hand', if you catch my drift...
Yes porn can be addicting - you just have to discipline yourself, like anything else in life.
I would start tomorrow but I just got a fresh box of Godiva and it would be a shame to let it go to waste.
Maybe just one...
got to admit...she probably has a point. I have a friend who is very, very straight-laced. We started talking about what constituted "Normal" vs. "perverted" sex... pretty much anything except missionary, lights out, bedroom only.
Said he didn't believe women screamed when they climaxed...since he's a friend, I restrained myself- but I wanted to say "No, not with you they don't."
Oh great, it just happens to be on a Mac.
This is an anti-Apple conspiracy, I just know it.
I thought it was another one of FP's vanities.
I've heard that "logoff" myth before.
Well, while a scuff mark is preferrable to an oozing sore, the reality is that at least when you're going out, you're meeting real live people, as opposed to being shut in and by yourself. I think it's easier to just limit yourself at the bar to snagging just phone numbers than it is to try to meet real and interesting people who are bunkered in at home just like you.
I just think this is part of the whole negative effect of the internet - I myself, between work and home, was so glued into my computer a couple of years ago that I forgot just what a blessing it is to live in California, and all that this state has to offer. So I made a choice to turn off the computer, and have fun in the real world. (I've been freeping a fair amount the last few months, and I have to cut back again....)
So many people are plugged in, yet in the real ways that count, are very isolated from each other. Porn is just another aspect of this.
And on that note, it's time for me to get out and run!
Sounds like you are only speaking of those who are looking for sex, versus committment. And if that is a logical argument to you, then why not advocate that these men should hire prostitutes? What is the difference?
The girls on the internet don't want to hear about your "feelings".
They don't want to snuggle afterward and never ask for foot rubs (unless it's a fetish site).
They don't mind if you click over to another site.
And they never get mad at you and try to take half of your stuff.
And leave that idiot with the last word? No way!!!!
I heard that the difference between "kinky" and "perverted" is:
Kinky is when you use a feather to pleasure a woman.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
Could explain why she can't find a man who wouldn't rather watch internet porn than listen to her complain.
Ain't nothin' like the real thing!
I would agree that parents are really the key to how one interacts with pornography, either on-line, or off-line.
It could be argued that computers are a flawed product that when reasonably used, produce harmful material that hurt many of its users.
If I were a lawyer, I'd be suing all the CPU manufactuers, Google, and Yahoo.
Bingo. And Duh I might add.
Me too, and good advice BTW. It's easy to be a good parent just by taking part in their activities and interests, talking, and having a good time together. Some people just don't understand the fact that parents are the most influential people in a child's life. The hard part is dealing with topics such as pornography and internet pornography.
And its so much easier once you move the recliner into the office.
Hey, as long as they're not smoking cigarettes...
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