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Latest Muslim Hysteria:Jew 'Devils' Caused "Melting" Male Genitalia Epidemic
The Sun-Times ^ | October 26, 2003 | MARK STEYN

Posted on 11/07/2003 11:01:12 AM PST by the_greatest_country_ever

 
Latest Muslim Hysteria:Jew 'Devils' Caused "Melting" Male Genitalia Epidemic  By Mark Steyn

I haven't really followed Sudanese current events closely since, oh, Gen. Kitchener's victory over the Mahdi at the Battle of Omdurman in 1898.

But a recent story from that benighted land happened to catch my eye.

Last month mass hysteria apparently swept the capital city, Khartoum, after reports that foreigners were shaking hands with Sudanese men and causing their penises to disappear.

One victim, a fabric merchant, told his story to the London Arabic newspaper Al-Quds Al-Arabi. A man from West Africa came into the shop and "shook the store owner's hand powerfully until the owner felt his penis melt into his body."

I know the feeling. The same thing happened to me after shaking hands with Sen. Clinton. Anyway, as Al-Quds reported, "The store owner became hysterical, and was taken to the hospital." The country's "Chief Criminal Attorney General" Yasser Ahmad Muhammad told the Sudanese daily Al-Rai Al-A'am that "the rumor broke out when one merchant went to another merchant to buy some Karkady [a Sudanese beverage]. Suddenly, the seller felt his penis shriveling."

The invaluable Middle East Media Research Institute, in its exhaustive coverage, noted that the penises of Khartoum were vulnerable not merely to handshaking. "Another victim, who refused to give his name, said that while he was at the market, a man approached him, gave him a comb, and asked him to comb his hair. When he did so, within seconds, he said, he felt a strange sensation and discovered that he had lost his penis."

Tales of the vanishing penises ran rampant round the city, spread by cell phones and text messages. Sudan's Attorney General Salah Abu Zayed declared that all complaints about the missing penises would be brought before a special investigative committee, though doctors had determined that the first plaintiff was "perfectly healthy." The health minister, Ahmad Bilal Othman, said that the epidemic was "scientifically groundless," and that it was "sorcery, magic, or an emotional problem."

By now you're probably saying, "Oh, come on, Steyn, this Sudanese penis thing is all very well, but you're supposed to be a columnist. There's some big geopolitical argument behind all this tittering at shriveling manhoods, isn't there?"

Absolutely. For one thing, a week after the Malaysian Prime Minister told an Islamic summit that their "enemies," the Jews, control the world and got a standing ovation from 56 fellow Muslim leaders, it's useful to be reminded that the International Jewish Conspiracy is comparatively one of the less loopy conspiracies in the Islamic world. That said, they'll probably figure out a way to pin the disappearing penises on some or other agent of Zionism.

After all, according to reports in Middle East newspapers, Israel laces Arab chewing gum with secret hormones to make Muslim men hot for Jewish babes who turn out to be Mossad agents. Come to think of it, remember those stories in the National Enquirer after 9/11 about Osama bin Laden being, ah, somewhat underendowed in the trouser department? He spent much of the '90s in Sudan.

Who's to say some Zionist didn't sneak up and shake his hand while he was on a shopping trip to Khartoum?

It is, in that sense, the perfect emblematic tale of Islamic victimhood: The foreigners have made us impotent! It doesn't matter that the foreigners didn't do anything except shake hands. It doesn't matter whether you are, in fact, impotent. You feel impotent, just as -- so we're told -- millions of Muslims from Algerian Islamists to the Bali bombers feel "humiliated" by the Palestinian situation. Whether or not there is a rational basis for their sense of humiliation is irrelevant.

One of the things I'd feel humiliated about if I lived in the Arab world is that almost all the forms of expression of my anti-Westernism are themselves Western in origin.

Pan-Arabism was old-school 19th century nationalism of the type that eventually unified the various German and Italian statelets. Nasserism was transplanted European socialism, Baathism a local anachronistic variant on 'tween-wars Fascist movements.

The Arabs even swiped Jew hatred from the Europeans. Though there was certainly friction between Jews and Muslims before the 20th century, it took the Europeans to package a disorganized, free-lance dislike of Jews into a big-time ideology with the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, Mein Kampf and all the rest.

Even Islamic fundamentalism, though ostensibly a rare example of a homegrown toxin, has, as a practical matter, more in common with European revolutionary movements than with traditional expressions of Islam -- an essentially political project piggybacking on an ancient religion to create the ideology of choice for the world's troublemakers.

There's something pathetic about a culture so ignorant even its pathologies have to be imported. But what do you expect? The telling detail of the vanishing penis hysteria is that it was spread by text messaging. You can own a cell phone, yet still believe that foreigners are able with a mere handshake to cause your penis to melt away.

Aside from its doubts in its collective manhood, Sudan is no laughing matter. Two million people have been slaughtered there in the last decade. The Christian minority is vanishing a lot faster than that fabric merchant's privates. Osama certainly found the country fertile ground for his ideology: Sudanese mujahideen have been captured as far afield as Algeria, Bosnia, Chechnya and Afghanistan.

An economic basket case with a 27 percent literacy rate has managed to find enough spare cash to export revolutionary Islam to many other countries. And they've got half-a-billion dollars' worth of state-of-the-art Chinese weaponry from Iran.

A handshake-fearing guy with a cell phone is one thing; what happens when the handshake-fearers have cell phones and a suitcase nuke? It's at the intersection of apparently indestructible ancient ignorance and cheap, widely available western technology that the dark imponderables of the future lie.

In 1898, after Kitchener slaughtered the dervishes at Omdurman, Hillaire Belloc wrote a characteristically pithy summation of the British technological advantage: "Whatever happens We have got The Maxim gun And they have not."

But the dervishes have cell phones now. Those and some dimestore boxcutters and a couple of ATM cards were all they needed to pull off 9/11.

And there are plenty of people out there willing to help them get the cheap knock-offs of the 21st century's Maxim gun.


TOPICS: General Discusssion
KEYWORDS:
Never has the phrase "You just can't make this stuff up!" been so emphatically appropriate!
1 posted on 11/07/2003 11:01:13 AM PST by the_greatest_country_ever
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
OH! If it were only true!!!
2 posted on 11/07/2003 11:04:28 AM PST by Lee Heggy (Make God laugh...tell him your plans.)
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Comment #3 Removed by Moderator

To: the_greatest_country_ever
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1008262/posts
4 posted on 11/07/2003 11:05:40 AM PST by JennysCool
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To: Lee Heggy
LOL--I was just thinking that very thing!

5 posted on 11/07/2003 11:07:02 AM PST by MizSterious (First, the journalists, THEN the lawyers.)
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
In some sick way, the following two ad-lines provide good, sick replies..


1)"Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't."

2)"Melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
6 posted on 11/07/2003 11:07:32 AM PST by .cnI redruM (Mouthing support for the workingman is one of the best ways to avoid actually being one.)
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
Nor have I ever wanted such a story to be more true.
7 posted on 11/07/2003 11:07:32 AM PST by Naspino (I am in no way associated with the views expressed in your posts.)
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To: JennysCool
This article is further proof that Mark is a Freeper!
8 posted on 11/07/2003 11:07:34 AM PST by GulliverSwift (Howard Dean is the doppelganger of the Joker, only more insane.)
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
Sounds like you may be saying that their cuture may not be as legitimate and valuable as our own, that just won't do. Don't you realize that these people are all just Americans waiting to get in?=o)
9 posted on 11/07/2003 11:08:34 AM PST by MissAmericanPie
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
Hey! This really isn't from the Onion! Chicago Sun-Times is close enough though.
10 posted on 11/07/2003 11:10:39 AM PST by BureaucratusMaximus (if we're not going to act like a constitutional republic...lets be the best empire we can be...)
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
Saddam has disappeared and so has Bin Laden. So, there may be some truth to this story.
11 posted on 11/07/2003 11:10:51 AM PST by isthisnickcool (Guns!)
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
Last month mass hysteria apparently swept the capital city, Khartoum, after reports that foreigners were shaking hands with Sudanese men and causing their penises to disappear.

Well, if it was any of these three foreigners, it would be understandable...


12 posted on 11/07/2003 11:18:50 AM PST by Dahoser (I can't see the content of your character if you keep painting a color over it.)
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
What really happened is they watched a Ron Jeremy film and felt inadequate, afterwards.
13 posted on 11/07/2003 11:19:27 AM PST by Celtjew Libertarian (Shake Hands with the Serpent: Poetry by Charles Lipsig aka Celtjew http://books.lulu.com/lipsig)
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
"...a man approached him, gave him a comb, and asked him to comb his hair. When he did so, within seconds, he said, he felt a strange sensation and discovered that he had lost his penis."

I don't think I'd be inclined to comb someone else's hair, no matter how nicely he asked. Oh well, different cultures.

As to the disappearing penis, we call it here the big brain, little brain situation. These folks can't get any dumber unless they lose brainpower in other parts of their bodies.

Then again, if he couldn't find his penis, maybe he was wearing too many robes.

14 posted on 11/07/2003 11:21:12 AM PST by NicknamedBob (Where did you use it last?)
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
can you figure on the conversation with the doctor.......now doc,i'm telling you, my penis was here just a few hours ago, and it was 3 feet long until the stinking foreigner shrunk it!!!!!
15 posted on 11/07/2003 11:27:02 AM PST by fishbabe
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
""shook the store owner's hand powerfully until the owner felt his penis melt into his body...The same thing happened to me after shaking hands with Sen. Clinton."

This explains why the dimocRATS oppose the Presidents aggresive stand on terrorism.

16 posted on 11/07/2003 11:30:37 AM PST by bigfootbob
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
they put a curse on my X wife as well.....
every time she went for a drive with a strange man
she turned into a motel
17 posted on 11/07/2003 11:31:02 AM PST by joesnuffy (Moderate Islam Is For Dilettantes)
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To: Celtjew Libertarian
Allah has blessed them with gherkins, so as to avoid injury mounting their camels!
18 posted on 11/07/2003 11:33:16 AM PST by sheik yerbouty
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To: Dahoser
Well, if it was any of these three foreigners, it would be understandable...

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhh!!!

M-m-m-m-y penis, it's shrinking!!!!

19 posted on 11/07/2003 11:37:13 AM PST by Kenton
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To: MissAmericanPie
Ya' know, if for even one nano-moment I woulda thought you were being serious, I would've started singin'
Bye,Bye, Miss American Pie......
20 posted on 11/07/2003 11:43:45 AM PST by the_greatest_country_ever (Shudder the dystopian nightmare of a world without the greatest country ever. God Bless America.)
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To: isthisnickcool

Cleverrrrrrr! :-)

21 posted on 11/07/2003 11:47:43 AM PST by the_greatest_country_ever (Shudder the dystopian nightmare of a world without the greatest country ever. God Bless America.)
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To: Dahoser
Ugh. That picture of Rosie O'Dogfood is downright scary. She looks like she's breathing fire.
22 posted on 11/07/2003 11:49:10 AM PST by EggsAckley (..........................God Bless and Keep Terri.....................)
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
ROFLOL, that's series. I shouldn't leave off that sarcasm tag.
23 posted on 11/07/2003 11:53:41 AM PST by MissAmericanPie
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
Yesterday, I stopped at a fast food outlet where I was waited on by a hairy, smelly Muslim. After paying my money I felt light-headed and quickly returned home. It was then that the phone rang. It was a Victoria's Secret model saying she wanted to have sex with me and would be right over.

I immediately realized that the hairy, smelly, terrorist clerk had put a spell on me making me irresistable to the world's most beautiful women. So far I have been forced to have sex with Brittany Spears, Heather Locklear, and more than twenty Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. I'm beat! If this keeps up I'll soon be in the intensive care ward! Those Muslim devils!!!

Now my friends are beginning to call me with similar stories after handing money to hairy, smelly Muslims! Soon all Christian men will be too worn out from having sex to be able to fight these terrorist devils!

Beware hairy, smelly Muslims!!!

24 posted on 11/07/2003 12:08:41 PM PST by Doc Savage
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
Sometimes you just have to skip the entire article and go directly to the comments. This is one of those times.
25 posted on 11/07/2003 12:10:21 PM PST by GSWarrior
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
Somewhere in this story is the answer to all of the problems we in the west are having with radical Muslims.
26 posted on 11/07/2003 12:34:41 PM PST by etcetera
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To: dennisw; Cachelot; Yehuda; Nix 2; veronica; Catspaw; knighthawk; Alouette; Optimist; weikel; ...
If you'd like to be on or off this middle east/political ping list, please FR mail me.
27 posted on 11/07/2003 12:56:36 PM PST by SJackson
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
"Dude, Where's My Penis...?" ")
28 posted on 11/07/2003 12:59:33 PM PST by KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle ("The Clintons have damaged our country. They have done it together, in unison." -- Peggy Noonan)
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To: .cnI redruM
Definitely sick, but the best laugh I've had all week.
29 posted on 11/07/2003 12:59:43 PM PST by js1138
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To: NicknamedBob
I saw that skit on the Man Show. A hypnotist had an audience member chasing a midget dressed as a penis. He thought he has lost his penis and was trying to catch it.
30 posted on 11/07/2003 2:11:41 PM PST by Deguello
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
Sounds like they discovered a cure for AIDS.
31 posted on 11/07/2003 2:15:00 PM PST by tractorman (9 out of 10 criminals oppose concealed carry laws)
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To: Kenton
ANTIDOTE:Take two Monica Bellucci's and call me in the morning...
32 posted on 11/07/2003 2:24:03 PM PST by stands2reason (REWARD! Tagline missing since 10/21. Pithy, clever. Last seen in Chat. Sentimental value.)
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
I hate when that happens.
33 posted on 11/07/2003 2:33:54 PM PST by boris (The deadliest Weapon of Mass Destruction in History is a Leftist With a Word Processor)
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To: SJackson
they must have put some Anti-Viagra in their diet!
34 posted on 11/07/2003 3:15:02 PM PST by RaceBannon
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
"...foreigners were shaking hands with Sudanese men and causing their penises to disappear."

But of course. Something similar happens here every day.

It's called................."marriage".

35 posted on 11/07/2003 3:19:37 PM PST by RightOnline
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
Jew 'Devils' Caused "Melting" Male Genitalia Epidemic

Hmm... I thought Arianna Huffington was Greek?!

36 posted on 11/07/2003 3:22:16 PM PST by Revolting cat! (Far out, man!)
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
BTTT
37 posted on 11/08/2003 3:18:01 AM PST by Dajjal
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To: the_greatest_country_ever
Can't help but wonder what the results might be if we forced the Muzzle-em murderers to wear jock straps made from pig skin ??? Heh heh heh. (dirty laugh)

.

38 posted on 11/08/2003 3:27:18 AM PST by GeekDejure (<H3> Searching For The Meaning Of "Huge" Fonts !!!</H3>)
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To: EggsAckley
She looks like she's breathing fire.
Close...she burped!
39 posted on 11/08/2003 3:52:15 AM PST by philman_36
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To: Lee Heggy
>There's something pathetic about a culture so ignorant >even its pathologies have to be imported. But what do you >expect? The telling detail of the vanishing penis >hysteria is that it was spread by text messaging. You can >own a cell phone, yet still believe that foreigners are >able with a mere handshake to cause your penis to melt >away.

That was my thought!!! Wait, they have text messaging, but they honestly believe that thier penis can melt away with a handshake??? Now I see what we are fighting against here and I think we have lost already.
40 posted on 11/10/2003 11:44:31 AM PST by sunryse
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