Politically correct Christmas

By DAVE RYAN -- Calgary Sun It's that time of year again when everyone is made to feel guilty for uttering that offensive phrase "Merry Christmas."

The politically correct stay on patrol to ensure that Canadians who do not celebrate Christmas are not offended by threatening utterances like Merry Christmas. We are supposed to offer season greetings or happy holidays instead, bah humbug!

My wife and I don't decorate a winter tree and we don't make seasonal cake. We decorate our Christmas tree and bake Christmas cake as part of the ritual that celebrates the birth of Christ (and the receipt by me of presents, lots and lots of presents).

Speaking of my wife, she insists on sending Christmas cards that, wait for it, wish their recipient a Merry Christmas. Finding a box of cards that wish a Merry Christmas rather than "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays" is harder than finding a parking spot at a mall in December.

Renaming Christmas probably causes me to ice over more than any other politically correct song and dance we are expected to do these days.

Unlike countries that do not uphold religious freedom, Canadians are not forced to practise a religion. Canada is a country where we accept different beliefs with tolerance. Forcing those who celebrate Christmas to be politically correct is not tolerant.

Canadians are not offended the rest of the year when they reap the rewards of living in a free and democratic society founded on Judeo-Christian principles. Why would they be offended when these principles are celebrated at the end of every year?

It is the tolerance of Canada's Judeo-Christian foundation that resulted in a society where all religions are encouraged to practise their religion harmoniously and we are free to choose which religion, if any, to follow.

Is anyone fooled by the charade that is Christmas political correctness? Is this conversation taking place across the nation: "Oh look honey, the Smiths sent us a Holiday Card. They must have arbitrarily decided this would be a nice time of year to holiday and assumed we, too,would choose to holiday at the end of December. I wonder if they are going to celebrate anything special while they holiday, or if they are just going to chop a tree out of the ground and let it die in their living room over the next few weeks for no apparent reason?"

Are there Canadians who, come Christmas, are shocked to find out millions of people living around them are Christian? Would they be more concerned to find out that every Sunday these people sneak out of their homes to attend meetings together?

The Christian celebration of Christmas should not offend Canadians of other cultures and religions, nor should other cultures be forced to cave to political correctness for fear their celebrations offend Christians.

Take Hanukkah, the Jewish celebration of the rededication of the Jerusalem Temple.

Hanukkah lasts eight days from Dec. 20 through 28 in commemoration of the miracle of the oil that burned for eight days. Other than the fact my Jewish friends often receive gifts for eight straight days, nothing offends me about their celebration.

Rather than offering some diluted salutation because you are worried wishing someone a Merry Christmas may offend them, take a moment to find out what they do celebrate and wish them a happy one.

If you see me on the street or in the mall, feel free to wish me a Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah, I won't be offended. And by the way, Merry Christmas

Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...

And a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2003, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal
This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged. (In other words.....Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, Ramadan, Saturnalia, etc. Everybody!)
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Ah, what the heck, Merry Christmas!!

Legal Department Approved SEASONAL GREETING TO YOU!

From us ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee"), please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all... and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that-

* This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal

* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

* The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor

* Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive (or risen), shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

We've all heard the holiday poem "A Visit From Saint Nicholas" better known as The Night Before Christmas.

Here's how the tale would sound if it were told by an attorney: "The Night Before Christmas"

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the emission system of the wood-burning heating unit, hereinafter "the Chimney" in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the Chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the Chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the Chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the Chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" or words to that general effect.

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