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Larry King Interviews Howard Dean (Satire)
self | 21 Dec 2003 | self

Posted on 12/21/2003 9:07:56 AM PST by longshadow

Larry King Interviews Howard Dean

LK: Good evening. Larry King here; tonite, we hear from Democrat presidential hopeful Howard Dean. Welcome to the show, Governor Dean.

Dean: Thanks, Larry; nice to be here.

LK: Governor, your critics think you don't have the foreign policy experience needed to be president in a post 9/11 world. What do you say to that?

Dean: Well, Larry, I beg to differ.....

LK: That's a pretty persuasive argument....

Dean: .... as I have extensive experience negotiating amicable solutions to difficult situations...

LK: For instance?

Dean: Well, Larry, I once negotiated a settlement between two classmates of mine who were fighting over a squirt-gun and a pack of Juicy-Fruit™ gum. It was a hopeless, intractable standoff, until I intervened and got them to agree that each could use the water pistol every other day, and had them split the pack of gum, two sticks for each of them, while I kept one stick for myself!

LK: Amazing, Governor; you must be proud of yourself.

Dean: You bet, Larry; I got a "Henry Kissinger" Junior Diplomat of the Month award for it from my 7th grade social studies teacher, and they even let me keep the gold-colored pen that came with the certificate.

LK: What else have you done that establishes your foreign policy credentials?

Dean: Well, Larry, while I was governor of Vermont, I had to engage in a furious round of shuttle diplomacy to resolve a squabble between a couple of dairy farmers over two cows and a jackass.

LK: Sounds like a difficult situation...

Dean: You bet, Larry; it sure was. It was touch and go for several days, but after shuttling back and forth between Danby-Four-Corners and Derby Line in a restored ‘49 Hudson Hornet equipped with a big police siren and a flashing read light, I got the two dairy farmers to agree on the disposition of the animals. Each farmer got to keep one cow, and I got to keep the jackass; in fact, he’s now my closest political advisor!

LK: Brilliantly resolved, Governor. What about foreign travel; you have to know something about the rest of the world to be president, don't you?

Dean: Right you are, Larry. I've been to Peru, VT and Moscow, Maine, and I once spent a long weekend watching the "Canadian Ballet" in Montreal. And one really clear day I think I even caught a glimpse Europe while I was on top of Mt. Mansfield....

LK: Wow, Governor; you're a regular world traveler.... What about the energy crisis and global warming?

Dean: Well, Larry, as you know I’m concerned about our dependence on foreign oil, and the threat that global warming poses for all of humanity. I’m a big believer in alternative solutions to our problems, so as president I will propose to Congress a multi-billion dollar initiative to create a distributed network of bovine flatulence collection stations. It will simultaneously reduce greenhouse gas emissions while providing a clean source of alternative energy. All cars and trucks in the United States will be required to convert from gasoline and diesel fuel to bovine flatulence gas (“BFG”). For the first time ever, cows all across America will be doing their part to reduce global warming and easing our dependence on foreign petroleum products at the same time.

LK: Better living through cows! Why didn’t I think of that? Governor, our economy is in crisis -- millions of Americans are out of work -- how to you propose to put Americans back to work?

Dean: I’m so glad you asked, Larry. First of all, every American, regardless of the flavor of his or her precious bodily fluids, deserves to have a good-paying job, a job he can take pride in. And since government is the ultimate source of all employment and wealth, it is incumbent upon the Federal government to see to it that every able-bodied American goes back to work, just as soon as I’m elected. My plan is to create a new federally-funded Job Corps to employ everyone in America who doesn’t already have a job. And since the jobs will be simple jobs, manual labor type jobs, that anyone can do by hand, I’m calling it my “Hand-Job Corps.”

LK: I like the sound of that! Governor; what sorts of jobs will they do?

Dean: Well, Larry, first and foremost is to be sure all of my proposed bovine flatulence collection stations (“BFCS”) are clean, appealing, and hygenic. So, I plan to put the Hand-Job Corps people to work cleaning the “BFCS’s” with toothbrushes and Q-tips, until they’re spotless. After all, Larry, when America’s energy independence and the war on global warming hang in the balance, the last thing we need is a bunch of cows with chronic rectal itch, so those BFCS’s have to be clean as a whistle. That should keep millions of Americans, the kind of Americans who’ll vote for me, employed in the sorts of jobs they’re qualified to hold.

LK: Why didn’t I think of that? What else do you plan to do to resuscitate the failing economy?

Dean: Well, in the name of national security, I think I’ll have no choice but to nationalize certain key security-related industries.....

LK: You mean Lockheed, Boeing, and similar companies?

Dean: No, Larry. I’m talking about really serious national security industries....

LK: ...... Microsoft? AT&T? Time-Warner?

Dean: ..... like the Bag-Balm™ industry. With healthy cows critical to the success of so many of my programs, we can’t allow private industry to profit off of technology that is crucial to the health of America’s bovine population. So, I plan to nationalize all Bag-Balm™ production in the US, make exporting of Bag-Balm™ without a munitions export license a Capital crime, and make all personnel employed in the production, distribution, and use of Bag-Balm™ federal employees as soon as I am elected. Adulterated, black-market Bag-Balm™ products will, of course, have to be banned, for the good of our bovine sisters, and enforcement of this provision of my plan will fall under the Drug Enforcement Agency’s charter, which will be assisted in this enterprise by a public-private collaborate between the DEA and PETA.

LK: Wow; I never thought of Bag-Balm™ as a national security issue.... Speaking of National security, what about our military involvement in Iraq?

Dean: Well, Larry; first thing I'd do is bring home the troops......

LK: Sounds great to me....

Dean: .... and replace them with several brigades of my new UN-approved "Civil Union Medical Corps" which will be equipped with the latest non-lethal military technology: they'll scrap the M1 Abrams tanks and Hum-Vees and travel around in solar-hybrid powered "Ginger" two-wheelers, armor-shielded, of course, with recycled newsprint and soda bottles, in order to protect the fragile Iraqi environment for the degradation of the evil military-industrial-multi-national corporate complex.

LK: What an amazing idea; just how popular is your new “Civil Union Medical Corps”?

Dean: The all-volunteer Corps has become incredibly popular, especially after we promised the new “leather and studs” style uniforms with free camouflage-colored butt plugs. And they’ll be equipped with latest peace-time medical technology: Maple-flavored tongue-depressors, dental floss, glow-in-the-dark condoms, and suppositories. It’s all part of my comprehensive plan to convince the rest of the world that we are serious about Iraq, and really serious about the war on terror.

LK: Wow; you really are serious, aren't you? What about bin Laden and Al Qaeda?

Dean: I plan to locate their hiding places, and then parachute in all the bureaucrats from the VT Department of Environmental Protection; they usually can destroy and put out of business just about anything in under a fortnight.

LK: Holy cow, Governor; that's really going thermonuclear on our enemies!

Dean: Thanks, Larry; that's why I want to be president; so I can put my extensive experience to work solving the problems of the world. Through sickness and in health, I believe we will prevail through the sanctity of our cause and the purity of our Maple-flavored fluids.

LK: And that's it for tonite's show; be sure to tune in tomorrow when my guest will be "the Psychic Pet Lady"

Dean: Uh, Larry....

LK: Yes, governor....

Dean: I'd just like to add that if I am elected, I plan to nominate her for Secretary of State....

LK: What an amazing coincidence......

Dean: ...... while “Ben & Jerry” will be in charge of the Defense Department, Michael Moore will be my Minister of Propaganda, Dr. Kevorkian will be Secretary of Heath and Human Services, and the “Queer Guys for the Straight Guy” will run the Department of the Interior, where they will undertake a massive make-over of the entire Executive branch of the Federal Government, including converting the Capitol Dome into an enormous-but-tasteful solar electric cell, reconfiguring the Washington Monument into a giant flesh-colored dildo, and cross-dressing the figures on Mt. Rushmore.....

LK: There you have it folks: cabinet-level “diversity” from candidate Howard “Dizzy” Dean.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons; Politics/Elections; Your Opinion/Questions
KEYWORDS: 2004; howarddean; larryking; politicalinsanity; satire
Will the real Howard Dean please stand up?
1 posted on 12/21/2003 9:07:57 AM PST by longshadow
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To: FreeTheHostages; RJCogburn; PatrickHenry; general_re; RadioAstronomer
ping
2 posted on 12/21/2003 9:09:32 AM PST by longshadow
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To: longshadow
HAHAHA! Well-written! :-)
3 posted on 12/21/2003 9:17:36 AM PST by spookycc (Never forgive! Never forget!)
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To: longshadow; CovenBuster
Ping!
This must be shared.
4 posted on 12/21/2003 9:17:44 AM PST by DesertDreamer (A wise man's heart inclines him toward the right, but a fool's heart toward the left. --Ecc 10:2 RSV)
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To: longshadow
LOL!
5 posted on 12/21/2003 9:21:18 AM PST by RadioAstronomer
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To: spookycc
HAHAHA! Well-written! :-)

Just making my small contribution to the effort of portraying Dean in a more realistic light....

;-)

6 posted on 12/21/2003 9:21:36 AM PST by longshadow
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To: DesertDreamer
This must be shared.

Don't forget Dean's campaign motto: "Damn the Maple-flavored suppositories; full speed ahead!"

7 posted on 12/21/2003 9:24:30 AM PST by longshadow
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To: longshadow
Very,very clever....heck I saved it!!
Best, IA
8 posted on 12/21/2003 9:24:38 AM PST by international american
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To: longshadow
This reminds me of years ago on Sat. Night Live, when Pat Robertson was running for president. They did a skit in which an interviewer says to Robertson that many thing he's unqualified because all he's ever done is be a preacher. Robertson refutes it by telling him that it's not true, he was a paperboy, sold lemonade, etc. etc. Very funny stuff.
9 posted on 12/21/2003 9:29:09 AM PST by the tongue
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To: the tongue
This reminds me of years ago on Sat. Night Live, when Pat Robertson was running for president. They did a skit in which an interviewer says to Robertson that many thing he's unqualified because all he's ever done is be a preacher. Robertson refutes it by telling him that it's not true, he was a paperboy, sold lemonade, etc. etc. Very funny stuff.

I missed that one!

But you're right; that's the essence of the humor here -- Dean is pathetically unqualified in the foreign policy/international arena, and the more we hammer it, the the more inane he'll look.

10 posted on 12/21/2003 9:31:54 AM PST by longshadow
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To: longshadow
Nice job longshadow. I believe this one shall be bookmarked for future use!
11 posted on 12/21/2003 9:32:48 AM PST by PeteFromMontana (WHAT? No tagline?)
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To: longshadow
Here's my contribution to the Dean Bash:

Perhaps you've seen the Ann Coulter doll or the Dubya Fighter Pilot action figure. Well now the left has an (in)action figure of its own! It's the Deanie Baby!

It's so lifelike! Its sleeves are rolled up, with the face in a permanent, angry scowl… And it talks; spewing mindless rhetoric and baseless allegations. But the piece de resistance, the left leg comes equipped with a kick-stand to keep it from falling over.

Bring him home today! For the low, low price of our country’s soul and its future.


Call 1-999-CLUELESS now… operators are standing by…

(Batteries not included. "One Trick Pony" sold separately.)

WARNING!: Likely to self-destruct sometime between now and November 2004.
12 posted on 12/21/2003 9:50:46 AM PST by shoeno
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To: shoeno
It's so lifelike! Its sleeves are rolled up, with the face in a permanent, angry scowl… And it talks; spewing mindless rhetoric and baseless allegations. But the piece de resistance, the left leg comes equipped with a kick-stand to keep it from falling over.

I like it....

;-)

13 posted on 12/21/2003 9:54:11 AM PST by longshadow
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To: VadeRetro
This thread has been officially approve by the "Ruminants for Dean Committee".....
14 posted on 12/21/2003 10:07:25 AM PST by longshadow
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To: longshadow
You've got your nerve posting a future Larry King Show as satire! (How'd you get an advance copy?)
15 posted on 12/21/2003 10:25:29 AM PST by VadeRetro
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To: VadeRetro
You've got your nerve posting a future Larry King Show as satire! (How'd you get an advance copy?)

I used PH's time-travel machine.

;-)

16 posted on 12/21/2003 11:24:39 AM PST by longshadow
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To: longshadow
I used PH's time-travel machine.

I thought you wanted to use it so you could have an affair with yourself, the way you usually do.

17 posted on 12/21/2003 11:56:54 AM PST by PatrickHenry (Felix, qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas.)
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To: longshadow
Well done. Dean's candidacy is certainly a target rich environment.
18 posted on 12/21/2003 12:05:37 PM PST by Kevin Curry
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To: VadeRetro; jennyp; Junior; js1138; RightWhale; Dimensio; Sabertooth; Right Wing Professor; ...
Longshadow scores! (First time in who knows when ... )
19 posted on 12/21/2003 12:06:01 PM PST by PatrickHenry (Felix, qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas.)
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To: longshadow
Feel free to use it at will; e-mail it around. I'd like to see it go around the world and come back to me.
20 posted on 12/21/2003 12:51:35 PM PST by shoeno
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To: PatrickHenry
I thought you wanted to use it so you could have an affair with yourself, the way you usually do.

Tough talk from a guy whose mascot is a platypus....

;-)

21 posted on 12/21/2003 2:03:45 PM PST by longshadow
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To: PatrickHenry
(First time in who knows when ... )

Your insolence is duly noted, Grasshopper.

;-)

22 posted on 12/21/2003 2:06:04 PM PST by longshadow
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To: longshadow
LOL!!

Too bad we have lost so many dairy farms in NH or we might be bigger players in the bovine flatulence world market.
23 posted on 12/21/2003 2:07:55 PM PST by RJCogburn ("Everything happens to me. Now I'm shot by a child."...Tom Chaney after being shot by Mattie Ross)
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To: RJCogburn
Too bad we have lost so many dairy farms in NH or we might be bigger players in the bovine flatulence world market.

Don't say that too loudly, or Dean might incorporate it into his Mandatory Pastoralization Plan. It's all designed to appeal to the Bovine American voter.....

24 posted on 12/21/2003 2:14:52 PM PST by longshadow
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To: .30Carbine
bump
25 posted on 12/21/2003 3:27:29 PM PST by TigersEye ("Where there is life there is hope!" - Terri Schiavo)
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To: longshadow
"Dean: Well, Larry, I beg to differ.....

LK: That's a pretty persuasive argument...."

I started laughing right there. Captures the essence of the bootlicking media.

26 posted on 12/21/2003 4:01:03 PM PST by Tench_Coxe
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To: Billie; Mama_Bear; ST.LOUIE1; Aquamarine; dutchess; dansangel; dixie sass; JulieRNR21
I really recommend this post. It's very funny.

P.S. xmas gifts mailed by priority post to all for whom I had address as of this morning! Maybe your gifts will be there by xmas eve if all goes well.
27 posted on 12/21/2003 4:30:28 PM PST by FreeTheHostages (Jesus Christ: the reason for the season)
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To: RadioAstronomer
Very funny, huh? I was gonna ping you but I shoulda known you'd be here first.

Seasons greetings.
28 posted on 12/21/2003 4:31:08 PM PST by FreeTheHostages (Jesus Christ: the reason for the season)
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To: Tench_Coxe
****"Dean: Well, Larry, I beg to differ.....

LK: That's a pretty persuasive argument...."*****

I started laughing right there. Captures the essence of the bootlicking media.

It's nice to know that somebody noticed.... I put that in for exactly the reason you cited.

29 posted on 12/21/2003 5:33:25 PM PST by longshadow
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To: FreeTheHostages
I can see it now; the "Howard Dean gets tough on terrorism" ad:

a photo of Dean wearing his goofy grin and a bicycle helmet, a la Dukakis on the tank, only Howie is riding a "Ginger" electric powered two-wheeler across a rock-strewn plain in Afghanistan, and is madly waving a fist-full of maple flavored tongue-depressors a clan of Taliban fighters armed with AK-47's. The caption reads: "Dr. Dean means business when it comes to terror."

30 posted on 12/21/2003 5:55:36 PM PST by longshadow
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To: FreeTheHostages
Hehehe!

Seasons greetings back! :-)
31 posted on 12/21/2003 11:03:19 PM PST by RadioAstronomer
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To: longshadow
bttt
32 posted on 12/22/2003 11:41:04 AM PST by longshadow
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To: longshadow
Very crass, bumping your own vanity post. (But I've been known to do the very same thing.)
33 posted on 12/22/2003 11:43:06 AM PST by PatrickHenry (Felix, qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas.)
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To: PatrickHenry
Very crass, bumping your own vanity post. (But I've been known to do the very same thing.)

Almost as bad a baiting others into doing it for you....

;-)

34 posted on 12/22/2003 12:00:33 PM PST by longshadow
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To: longshadow
Any excuse for another bump, huh?
35 posted on 12/22/2003 12:10:52 PM PST by PatrickHenry (Felix, qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas.)
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To: longshadow
Stayin' alive ...
36 posted on 12/22/2003 4:24:27 PM PST by PatrickHenry (Felix, qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas.)
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