Skip to comments.Larry King Interviews Howard Dean (Satire)
Posted on 12/21/2003 9:07:56 AM PST by longshadow
LK: Good evening. Larry King here; tonite, we hear from Democrat presidential hopeful Howard Dean. Welcome to the show, Governor Dean.
Dean: Thanks, Larry; nice to be here.
LK: Governor, your critics think you don't have the foreign policy experience needed to be president in a post 9/11 world. What do you say to that?
Dean: Well, Larry, I beg to differ.....
LK: That's a pretty persuasive argument....
Dean: .... as I have extensive experience negotiating amicable solutions to difficult situations...
LK: For instance?
Dean: Well, Larry, I once negotiated a settlement between two classmates of mine who were fighting over a squirt-gun and a pack of Juicy-Fruit gum. It was a hopeless, intractable standoff, until I intervened and got them to agree that each could use the water pistol every other day, and had them split the pack of gum, two sticks for each of them, while I kept one stick for myself!
LK: Amazing, Governor; you must be proud of yourself.
Dean: You bet, Larry; I got a "Henry Kissinger" Junior Diplomat of the Month award for it from my 7th grade social studies teacher, and they even let me keep the gold-colored pen that came with the certificate.
LK: What else have you done that establishes your foreign policy credentials?
Dean: Well, Larry, while I was governor of Vermont, I had to engage in a furious round of shuttle diplomacy to resolve a squabble between a couple of dairy farmers over two cows and a jackass.
LK: Sounds like a difficult situation...
Dean: You bet, Larry; it sure was. It was touch and go for several days, but after shuttling back and forth between Danby-Four-Corners and Derby Line in a restored 49 Hudson Hornet equipped with a big police siren and a flashing read light, I got the two dairy farmers to agree on the disposition of the animals. Each farmer got to keep one cow, and I got to keep the jackass; in fact, hes now my closest political advisor!
LK: Brilliantly resolved, Governor. What about foreign travel; you have to know something about the rest of the world to be president, don't you?
Dean: Right you are, Larry. I've been to Peru, VT and Moscow, Maine, and I once spent a long weekend watching the "Canadian Ballet" in Montreal. And one really clear day I think I even caught a glimpse Europe while I was on top of Mt. Mansfield....
LK: Wow, Governor; you're a regular world traveler.... What about the energy crisis and global warming?
Dean: Well, Larry, as you know Im concerned about our dependence on foreign oil, and the threat that global warming poses for all of humanity. Im a big believer in alternative solutions to our problems, so as president I will propose to Congress a multi-billion dollar initiative to create a distributed network of bovine flatulence collection stations. It will simultaneously reduce greenhouse gas emissions while providing a clean source of alternative energy. All cars and trucks in the United States will be required to convert from gasoline and diesel fuel to bovine flatulence gas (BFG). For the first time ever, cows all across America will be doing their part to reduce global warming and easing our dependence on foreign petroleum products at the same time.
LK: Better living through cows! Why didnt I think of that? Governor, our economy is in crisis -- millions of Americans are out of work -- how to you propose to put Americans back to work?
Dean: Im so glad you asked, Larry. First of all, every American, regardless of the flavor of his or her precious bodily fluids, deserves to have a good-paying job, a job he can take pride in. And since government is the ultimate source of all employment and wealth, it is incumbent upon the Federal government to see to it that every able-bodied American goes back to work, just as soon as Im elected. My plan is to create a new federally-funded Job Corps to employ everyone in America who doesnt already have a job. And since the jobs will be simple jobs, manual labor type jobs, that anyone can do by hand, Im calling it my Hand-Job Corps.
LK: I like the sound of that! Governor; what sorts of jobs will they do?
Dean: Well, Larry, first and foremost is to be sure all of my proposed bovine flatulence collection stations (BFCS) are clean, appealing, and hygenic. So, I plan to put the Hand-Job Corps people to work cleaning the BFCSs with toothbrushes and Q-tips, until theyre spotless. After all, Larry, when Americas energy independence and the war on global warming hang in the balance, the last thing we need is a bunch of cows with chronic rectal itch, so those BFCSs have to be clean as a whistle. That should keep millions of Americans, the kind of Americans wholl vote for me, employed in the sorts of jobs theyre qualified to hold.
LK: Why didnt I think of that? What else do you plan to do to resuscitate the failing economy?
Dean: Well, in the name of national security, I think Ill have no choice but to nationalize certain key security-related industries.....
LK: You mean Lockheed, Boeing, and similar companies?
Dean: No, Larry. Im talking about really serious national security industries....
LK: ...... Microsoft? AT&T? Time-Warner?
Dean: ..... like the Bag-Balm industry. With healthy cows critical to the success of so many of my programs, we cant allow private industry to profit off of technology that is crucial to the health of Americas bovine population. So, I plan to nationalize all Bag-Balm production in the US, make exporting of Bag-Balm without a munitions export license a Capital crime, and make all personnel employed in the production, distribution, and use of Bag-Balm federal employees as soon as I am elected. Adulterated, black-market Bag-Balm products will, of course, have to be banned, for the good of our bovine sisters, and enforcement of this provision of my plan will fall under the Drug Enforcement Agencys charter, which will be assisted in this enterprise by a public-private collaborate between the DEA and PETA.
LK: Wow; I never thought of Bag-Balm as a national security issue.... Speaking of National security, what about our military involvement in Iraq?
Dean: Well, Larry; first thing I'd do is bring home the troops......
LK: Sounds great to me....
Dean: .... and replace them with several brigades of my new UN-approved "Civil Union Medical Corps" which will be equipped with the latest non-lethal military technology: they'll scrap the M1 Abrams tanks and Hum-Vees and travel around in solar-hybrid powered "Ginger" two-wheelers, armor-shielded, of course, with recycled newsprint and soda bottles, in order to protect the fragile Iraqi environment for the degradation of the evil military-industrial-multi-national corporate complex.
LK: What an amazing idea; just how popular is your new Civil Union Medical Corps?
Dean: The all-volunteer Corps has become incredibly popular, especially after we promised the new leather and studs style uniforms with free camouflage-colored butt plugs. And theyll be equipped with latest peace-time medical technology: Maple-flavored tongue-depressors, dental floss, glow-in-the-dark condoms, and suppositories. Its all part of my comprehensive plan to convince the rest of the world that we are serious about Iraq, and really serious about the war on terror.
LK: Wow; you really are serious, aren't you? What about bin Laden and Al Qaeda?
Dean: I plan to locate their hiding places, and then parachute in all the bureaucrats from the VT Department of Environmental Protection; they usually can destroy and put out of business just about anything in under a fortnight.
LK: Holy cow, Governor; that's really going thermonuclear on our enemies!
Dean: Thanks, Larry; that's why I want to be president; so I can put my extensive experience to work solving the problems of the world. Through sickness and in health, I believe we will prevail through the sanctity of our cause and the purity of our Maple-flavored fluids.
LK: And that's it for tonite's show; be sure to tune in tomorrow when my guest will be "the Psychic Pet Lady"
Dean: Uh, Larry....
LK: Yes, governor....
Dean: I'd just like to add that if I am elected, I plan to nominate her for Secretary of State....
LK: What an amazing coincidence......
Dean: ...... while Ben & Jerry will be in charge of the Defense Department, Michael Moore will be my Minister of Propaganda, Dr. Kevorkian will be Secretary of Heath and Human Services, and the Queer Guys for the Straight Guy will run the Department of the Interior, where they will undertake a massive make-over of the entire Executive branch of the Federal Government, including converting the Capitol Dome into an enormous-but-tasteful solar electric cell, reconfiguring the Washington Monument into a giant flesh-colored dildo, and cross-dressing the figures on Mt. Rushmore.....
LK: There you have it folks: cabinet-level diversity from candidate Howard Dizzy Dean.
Just making my small contribution to the effort of portraying Dean in a more realistic light....
Don't forget Dean's campaign motto: "Damn the Maple-flavored suppositories; full speed ahead!"
I missed that one!
But you're right; that's the essence of the humor here -- Dean is pathetically unqualified in the foreign policy/international arena, and the more we hammer it, the the more inane he'll look.
I like it....
I used PH's time-travel machine.
I thought you wanted to use it so you could have an affair with yourself, the way you usually do.
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