Posted on 12/24/2003 4:38:16 PM PST by Bon mots
Crime doesn't pay, but often the laughs are priceless
Despite the continuing statistical decline in most categories of crime, we are happy to report there has been no correlating drop in the seemingly endless supply of dumb crooks. Herewith is part one of 2003's crop of smart-challenged lawbreakers and IQ-impaired felons. Part 2 appears Friday. Just put some oink-ment on the bruise: In January, a 21-year-old Stratford man was charged with assault of a victim over 60 after he belted a convenience store owner with a slab of bacon. The proprietor had refused to sell the bacon to the man, saying he feared it might be contaminated with salmonella. In the course of an argument, the man somehow gained possession of the smoked weapon and swung it. No eggs were harmed in the fray. Duel in the frozen precipitation: By February everybody was up to here with snow. So it was not all that surprising when a Fairfield man drifted over the edge. It started when two neighbors were shoveling their adjoining driveways. In the course of the shoveling, one neighbor accused the other of throwing snow in his driveway. Names were traded. The alleged snow thrower hit his neighbor in the chest with his shovel twice. He then got into his car and tried to run the neighbor over, succeeding only in damaging a fence. The thrower was charged with two counts of third-degree mischief. Carrying a concealed cuticle: A Bridgeport man was charged with threatening after forming a gun shape with his index finger and thumb, and made bang, bang noises. Unfortunately he pointed his finger-gun at a police officer. When the officers searched the man they found a real gun for which he had a license. Talk about your demanding bosses: In March, the manager of a Fairfield Chinese restaurant was charged with creating a public disturbance when he hit a waiter in the face for making a mistake on a bill. You've heard of driving with no hands? April was a cruel month for losing track of wheels. First, two drivers, one from Bridgeport and one from Fairfield, were arrested on drunk-driving charges on the same day when police found them driving cars with a front wheel missing. Then, later in the month, Bridgeport police followed gouges in the road surface to find a man driving a van with no front wheels at all. You thought that was scary, you should have heard the guy playing taps: In June, Ansonia police rushed to Holy Rosary Church in response to a "shots fired" call. It turned out to be a military funeral complete with a rifle salute. Also in June, two Stratford men barged into a Milford motel room where a birthday party was in progress. After terrorizing the guests, they ordered them to strip and turn over their valuables. When one of the women victims began to cry, she was ordered to leave the room. Once outside she called police, who later arrested the two robbers. Wiener zone. No drugs: When a Bridgeport police officer asked to buy a hot dog from a man standing by a cart, the fellow said he was only watching it for a friend. The officer then asked if the man had any marijuana. When the man said he had some in his pocket, he was arrested for peddling pot. Getting hammered: A Bridgeport man was nailed on burglary charges when police, responding to an alarm at a Stratford Avenue check cashing service, heard loud banging noises at the rear of the building. It turned out to be the man trying to bash his way into the store with a sledge hammer. When they ordered him to stop he threw the sledge hammer, hitting an officer in the shins, and fled. He was caught a few blocks away. Charles Walsh's column appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday. You can reach him by phone at (203)330-6217 or by e-mail at cwalsh@ctpost.com .
I was at a shotgun range when some cops appeared on a "shots fired" call. They laughed somewhat amusedly when they discovered why they were called, and IIRC showed up a little later after their shifts to shoot a round each.
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