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MARTHA CONVICTED: Hamptons Erupt in Riots
ridiculopathy.com ^

Posted on 03/07/2004 5:15:19 PM PST by Sub-Driver

MARTHA CONVICTED: Hamptons Erupt in Riots

SHELTER ISLAND, NEW YORK- The airwaves lit up on Friday when a jury returned from deliberations to find style guru Martha Stewart guilty on four securities-related charges. Immediately following the news, the Hamptons erupted in civil disobedience. Surgeons, bankers, and affluent housewives took to the flower-lined streets that night to express their rage, shouting "No justice, no peace!" as they overturned Jaguars and set fire to handsome sets of Louis Vuitton luggage.

"Martha's only crime was being a woman- and securities fraud," said a masked woman with smart shoes and impeccable cuticles. "Oh, and there was the bit about lying to federal investigators. But other than that, this is all about gender."

"They only found her guilty because a bunch of men couldn't handle the idea of a successful woman," said another unnamed rioter. When she learned that eight women sat on the jury and a respected female judge presided over the case, she shrugged. "That just shows how far jealousy goes, doesn't it."

WCBS sent a helicopter to document the destruction, flying low over the quaint beach communities as Dremmel roto tools, hot glue guns, and smart linen pinafores went up in flames below. The resentment seething from New York's far North suburbs seems to revolve around a combination of gender and class warfare at play in Stewart's case.

Long-time friend, confidant, and key informant Mariana Pasternak told CNN's Wolf Blitzer of her shock at the jury's findings. "Of course she broke the law, big deal," said Pasternak. "Poor people go to prison for breaking the law all the time, but that's not supposed to work that way up here." She hinted that public loathing for Stewart may have had a hand in the decision. "It looks like some of us are more above the law than others around here."

RELATED STORIES Memo to Stewart: Alleged Malfeasance Not Necessary After All Martha Stewart Makes Illegal Stock Trade, Homemade Prison Weaponry Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Sentencing for Stewart could include as much as two decades behind bars, but most experts expect her to spend no more than a few years in a minimum security "club fed." However, corrections officials have tried to dispel the myth that white collar prisons are cushy.

"The sheets are 130 thread count un-ironed cotton, and the lack of windows results in almost no natural light whatsoever," said Donna Buhmper a guard at Camp Elgin in Walton Beach, Florida. "For Ms. Stewart, this could be the closest thing to hell she ever sees- until she dies, of course, and goes there for real."

Stewart attorney Robert Morvillo has vowed to appeal the decision, but some are arguing that her best grounds for a reversal will be on the basis of incompetent counsel during the original trial.

After spending more than a month talking about what a mistake it would be to put Stewart on the stand in her own defense, legal analysts on CNN and MSNBC jeered the domestic diva's attorneys for not putting her on the stand. In the end, though, jurors said that the legal strategy was not at issue in their decision.

The biggest problem, according to jury member Chappell Hartridge is that Stewart happened to be "guilty as hell."

Residents say they will continue the civil unrest until Stewart is freed. Once the week begins on Monday, however, rioters admit that they will be far too busy to commit acts of vandalism and arson themselves. Some have already indicated that they plan to send their household help out to riot in their stead, a practice known ad proxy rioting, when the time comes


TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons; US: New York
KEYWORDS: hamptons; humor; marthastewart; ridiculopathy; riots

1 posted on 03/07/2004 5:15:19 PM PST by Sub-Driver
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To: Sub-Driver
LOL.

Martha vowed to keep searching for the REAL insider traders.
2 posted on 03/07/2004 5:17:20 PM PST by martin_fierro (A v v n c v l v s M a x i m v s)
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To: Sub-Driver
I wish we could send these WASPS back to Europe.
3 posted on 03/07/2004 5:23:33 PM PST by bmwcyle (<a href="http://www.johnkerry.com/" target="_blank">miserable failure)
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To: Sub-Driver
C'mon.......Martha Stewart is "My" Bill Clinton, OK??????? ;^)
4 posted on 03/07/2004 5:23:42 PM PST by soozla (PRESS HARD!! You are making three copies!!)
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To: martin_fierro
MARTHA MUST HAVE LIVED IN A HIGH CLASS DUMP.
5 posted on 03/07/2004 5:25:40 PM PST by jocko12
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To: martin_fierro
I kinda missed the old Onion.
Good to see someone is picking up the banner!

LOL!

6 posted on 03/07/2004 5:25:44 PM PST by Publius6961 (50.3% of Californians are as dumb as a sack of rocks (subject to a final count).)
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To: martin_fierro
MARTHA LIVED IN REAL HIGH CLASS DUMP.
7 posted on 03/07/2004 5:26:56 PM PST by jocko12
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To: Sub-Driver
"They only found her guilty because a bunch of men couldn't handle the idea of a successful woman," said another unnamed rioter. When she learned that eight women sat on the jury and a respected female judge presided over the case, she shrugged. "That just shows how far jealousy goes, doesn't it."

Nothing else need be said!

8 posted on 03/07/2004 5:32:39 PM PST by Cold Heat (In politics stupidity is not a handicap. --Napoleon Bonapart)
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To: Sub-Driver
After spending more than a month talking about what a mistake it would be to put Stewart on the stand in her own defense, legal analysts on CNN and MSNBC jeered the domestic diva's attorneys for not putting her on the stand.

I would like to see punditry stand trial for fraud someday.

9 posted on 03/07/2004 5:42:01 PM PST by ValerieUSA
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To: bmwcyle
WASP? Martha's no WASP, she's of Polish stock and the vast majority of Hamptonistes aren't WASPs either.
10 posted on 03/07/2004 5:49:24 PM PST by nopardons
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To: nopardons
What is a WASP?
11 posted on 03/07/2004 5:52:08 PM PST by MissAmericanPie
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To: nopardons
You take things too serious in the middle of a parody.
12 posted on 03/07/2004 5:52:42 PM PST by bmwcyle (<a href="http://www.johnkerry.com/" target="_blank">miserable failure)
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To: MissAmericanPie
White Anglo Saxon Protestant
13 posted on 03/07/2004 5:54:25 PM PST by savedbygrace
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To: MissAmericanPie
WHITE ANGLO SAXON PROTESTANT = WASP
14 posted on 03/07/2004 5:57:00 PM PST by nopardons
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To: nopardons
... the vast majority of Hamptonistes aren't WASPs either.

I concur - sounds Greek or Hispanic to me.

15 posted on 03/07/2004 5:59:28 PM PST by Senator Pardek
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To: bmwcyle
Parodies only like, when they have eliments of the truth.

It would have been funnier, had they used Wesport and how Martha's neighbors were holding celebration parties. I was thinking up my own version, of that, as I read this one. LOL

16 posted on 03/07/2004 5:59:53 PM PST by nopardons
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To: Senator Pardek
Nope. Sounds French.
17 posted on 03/07/2004 6:19:30 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
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To: nopardons
It would have been funnier, had they used Wesport and how Martha's neighbors were holding celebration parties.

Actually, that's probably what's really been happening this weekend!

18 posted on 03/07/2004 6:20:11 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
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To: NYC GOP Chick
There's some eliments of truth to what you say.
19 posted on 03/07/2004 6:28:27 PM PST by Senator Pardek
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To: jocko12
Or dumped in a high class life.
20 posted on 03/07/2004 6:32:08 PM PST by BenLurkin (Socialism is slavery.)
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To: Senator Pardek
Nice spelling and grammar there, Pardek.
21 posted on 03/07/2004 6:37:15 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
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To: NYC GOP Chick
Exactly! Which is why that kind of parody would have been even funnier. :-)
22 posted on 03/07/2004 7:03:52 PM PST by nopardons
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To: nopardons
Well, if that actually happened, then it wouldn't be parody, would it? ;)
23 posted on 03/07/2004 7:13:40 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
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To: NYC GOP Chick
It would be a parody, if one made it so. :-)

It didn't happen, but immagine that someone wrote that her neighbors and ex-friends threw a block party Saturday. See?

24 posted on 03/07/2004 7:20:44 PM PST by nopardons
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To: Sub-Driver
I know about this, it was terrible! They showed it on Saturday Nite Live!
lol
25 posted on 03/07/2004 7:24:25 PM PST by Ditter
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To: nopardons
Then go for it! ;)
26 posted on 03/07/2004 7:28:43 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
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To: Sub-Driver
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Thanks for posting this.
27 posted on 03/07/2004 7:29:04 PM PST by 2 Kool 2 Be 4-Gotten
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To: NYC GOP Chick
Ya think I should? LOL
28 posted on 03/07/2004 7:31:48 PM PST by nopardons
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To: nopardons
Yes, you should!
29 posted on 03/07/2004 7:38:03 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
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To: Publius6961
What happened to The Onion?!! I just tried jumping to the site and it's not there any more.
30 posted on 03/07/2004 7:39:50 PM PST by Spyder (Just another day in Paradise)
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To: Sub-Driver
Demiocrats are so funny in a sickening sort of way...
31 posted on 03/07/2004 7:46:18 PM PST by hosepipe
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To: Sub-Driver
Good for a much needed laugh, even for those few (yer deponent) who fear for Martha. I saw one juror emoting about his class envy and his decision on T/V. I thought that if only someone could determine whether the jurors numbered in the majority- Democrats.

If they were, the cry in the streets might go up thus: The conservatives have just GOT MARTHA . If she realises the constituency of Hillary and their inner views on rich b******- maybe they will get Martha. LOL

32 posted on 03/07/2004 8:02:17 PM PST by Peter Libra
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