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Grandma, Will You Marry Me?
Jerhad!com ^ | 3/10/04 | Jeremy Robb

Posted on 03/10/2004 1:35:24 PM PST by jerhad

I love my grandmother very much, and I think it’s time to ask for her hand in marriage. Since I live in San Francisco, I think there’s a pretty good chance we can get the license approved. If banning same-sex marriage violates California’s equal protection clause in the constitution, then certainly banning incest marriage also violates that equal protection clause.

I know, most of you out there are saying ''dude, that’s pretty freakin’ gross!'' Whatever. That’s really not your concern. How many people think same-sex marriage is gross? That shouldn’t be the measure of whether or not we allow people to marry. Just let me do what I want to do, since I’m not hurting anyone else. How am I really affecting any of you if I want to marry my grandmother, huh? Don’t discriminate against me and my grandmother just because you wouldn’t do it yourself.

It’s time for me to stand up for my civil rights. The government has no right to disqualify me from marrying my grandmother if that’s what I want to do. I’m guaranteed life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I’m just pursuing happiness, and it’s not impacting anyone else. Who is this hurting? People might think we’ll have a rough time making it due to the lack of acceptance out there, but I’m determined to make it anyway. That’s my decision to make. Not yours or the government’s.

And don’t tell me I can get most of the same benefits of married people without actually redefining marriage and becoming husband and wife with my grandmother. Marrying my grandmother will give me several benefits that are currently only available to married heterosexual couples, newly married same-sex couples, and same-sex domestic partners (a new law in California gives certain rights to same-sex domestic partners that are not available to opposite-sex domestic partners). Once we’re married, I can mooch off her healthcare benefits, reduce my insurance rates, and transfer her estate to me without any taxes being deducted (since it will now be community property).

Gavin Newsom, the mayor of San Francisco, was so proud to thumb his nose at the law and redefine marriage for same-sex couples. I’m quite sure he’ll be just as proud to bless my marriage to my grandmother and break down the walls on yet another unfair discriminatory practice in this country. Bill Lockyer, California’s attorney general, seems content to let Newsom define marriage law however he pleases, so that’s another barrier out of the way. Since Lockyer doesn’t enforce state law, I’m not quite sure what his job is. But hey, why asks questions? I know Bill won’t stand in my way. The judges in California also seem to think that laws and public referendums don’t matter, so I can’t see how anyone can stop me. Heck, if I convince everyone that redefining marriage in this way might get more votes, I could probably get John Kerry to be my best man right there at City Hall. He stands up for the little guy, you know?

One small problem occurs to me though. I’d really like to have a family some day, and I’m certainly not planning to do that with my grandmother. Hmmmm…. What can I do about that? Wait! I know. I can just marry someone else who wants to have children as well. I know what you’re thinking. Polygamy is illegal, stupid. Not in California! Gavin Newsom is certainly not going to discriminate against polygamists. Equal protection, baby! As long as we’re all consenting adults, we should be allowed to have the same rights and privileges as those elitist monogamist heterosexual married folk.

If you think about it, why do we even have laws that prevent polygamy and incest marriages? I mean polygamy is actively practiced in many countries throughout the world and has a history dating back centuries. No such history exists for same-sex marriages. I know people have concerns about birth defects with incest marriages, but come on. I’m not having any kids with my 87-year-old grandmother. What reason would society have for preventing us from getting married?

Come to think of it, California’s constitution and the ballot measure passed a couple of years ago don’t specifically disallow my marriage with my grandmother anyway. It specifically defines marriage as being between one man and one woman. Well, I’m a man, and my grandmother is a woman. I’m half way home with my plan! Now I just need to get the whole polygamy issue resolved. I guess I can address that when I decide to marry my second wife and start a family.

In the meantime, I think I’ll just encourage current polygamists to storm City Hall in San Francisco and demand marriage licenses to put an end to their discrimination. But if you’re a conservative Catholic woman living in the San Francisco area who might want to marry me and my grandmother, I’d certainly love to hear from you. The three of us could live a wonderful life together. And hey, if you’ve got a hot friend, maybe she’d like to marry us too. Don’t worry about the legal logistics. The term ''marriage'' is meaningless now.

Jeremy is a freelance writer who lives in San Francisco (occupied territory) and has declared a jihad on liberalism. His website is at: www.jerhad.com. Correspondence and marriage proposals can be sent to jeremy@jerhad.com.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: civilunion; culturewar; gay; homosexual; homosexualagenda; lawrencevtexas; marriage; polygamy; prisoners; samesex; samesexmarriage; slipperyslope
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1 posted on 03/10/2004 1:35:25 PM PST by jerhad
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To: jerhad
Now you only need something new, borrowed and blue.
2 posted on 03/10/2004 1:38:45 PM PST by Sloth (We cannot defeat foreign enemies of the Constitution if we yield to the domestic ones.)
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To: jerhad

3 posted on 03/10/2004 1:40:27 PM PST by Lunatic Fringe (John F-ing Kerry??? NO... F-ING... WAY!!!)
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To: jerhad
This brings up interesting issues regarding inheritance, especially if the elder relative you want to marry has an estate value greater than $1 Million.

Marry your father or mother, aunt or uncle, grandparent and transfer the estate into your name through marriage without incurring any federal estate taxes, then get divorced.

4 posted on 03/10/2004 1:41:58 PM PST by Chewbacca ("Turn off your machines! Walk off your jobs! Power to the People!" - The Ice Pirates)
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To: jerhad
I'd marry my dog in San Francisco, but he died a couple years ago. But wait a minute, that should still be okay! After all, Gavin Newsom doesn't want others to be discriminated against if they aren't the traditional man and woman marriage. I'll just dig up my pet, and go on down to City Hall for a license! If you're in the area, that odor you smell may not necessarily be coming from my long-dead dog!
5 posted on 03/10/2004 1:44:28 PM PST by roadcat
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To: jerhad

Ewe lover, ewe.

6 posted on 03/10/2004 1:50:05 PM PST by martin_fierro (A v v n c v l v s M a x i m v s)
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To: jerhad
Whether you're boinking your grandma is none of the State's business, the SCOTUS said so in Lawrence vs. Texas. How glad you must be to live in San Fran, where you can exercise such freedoms, just as the founders intended! What terrible, tyrannical darkness the rest of us dwell in, living in municipalities where grandma marriage is not yet allowed!

What a brave new world! Embrace it, baby!

7 posted on 03/10/2004 1:50:11 PM PST by Mr. Silverback (Pre-empt the third murder attempt-- Pray for Terry Schiavo!)
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To: jerhad
I’m quite sure he’ll be just as proud to bless my marriage to my grandmother and break down the walls on yet another unfair discriminatory practice in this country.

Would you care to wager on that?
I'll bet he would NOT be proud to accommodate you.
I'll bet he would laugh in your face!
Why?

You're not on his "approved" list of minorities...
His "tolerance" only goes so far...

8 posted on 03/10/2004 1:50:34 PM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: Sloth
Soon we will have the ultimate logical extension of this idiocy: self-marriages, in which you can marry yourself or maybe just a particular body part.
9 posted on 03/10/2004 1:52:45 PM PST by omniscient
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To: jerhad
LTMT!! (Laughing Through My Tears) Whatever! I, myself, am planning to marry several ewes and adopt their children (conceived, I blush to confess, out of wedlock due to youthful indiscretions) for tax purposes. We plan to invite the whole Freeper contingent to the tasteful, quiet ceremony. I'm going to pit barbeque some of our "kids" (sorry, PETA), serve adult beverages and encourage irresponsible and dangerous tobacco use (especially fine cigars). After the ceremony, the wives and I will depart for our new home in whichever state has the best welfare benefits (and high quality alfalfa grazing). Oh yes . . . we'll register DemonRAT the second we arrive. We know what side our bread is buttered on. Actually, the wives are a little young to vote (although that may change shortly). I wouldn't want to break any laws. Anyway, it's all good . . .
10 posted on 03/10/2004 1:58:37 PM PST by NaughtiusMaximus (I could never vote for a guy with a chin like that.)
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To: Hillarys nightmare
BUMP!
11 posted on 03/10/2004 2:01:22 PM PST by JoJo Gunn (Intellectuals exist only if you believe they do. )
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To: jerhad
Just think, if he has decent insurance through his job, Grandma can also get prescription drug coverage, and won't have to wait for the Medicare bill to go into effect.
12 posted on 03/10/2004 2:05:21 PM PST by codercpc
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To: NaughtiusMaximus
Do you know my friend, Biggus .....

Seriously, though. If granny has a lot of money in the bank, this is a great way to get around the estate tax. Just have Granny marry down in age, and pass the money down without Uncle Sam getting so much as a taste!

Us low-tax Republicans should be all for this!

13 posted on 03/10/2004 2:08:54 PM PST by bondjamesbond (Q: Why does Kerry wear one brown and one black shoe? A: So one shoe always matches his pants!)
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To: jerhad
Oh will you PLEASE!!! I begged my brother to marry me yesterday, we love each other tremendously, and he could get dental benefits through me (boy does he need them). I don't think it should matter that we're both still married to our spouses. There's no line that says ONE male and/or ONE female...No go, he suggested I marry mom, she needs the health benefits more, but she's in Seattle. Oh wait! If she comes down here to Portland and we tie the knot, Seattle will recognize it!

Really, somebody needs to have the guts to show them just how rediculous it is to re-define marriage, and in all fairness, as they state, you can't discriminate - go for it! Please, please, please!!
14 posted on 03/10/2004 2:10:07 PM PST by momfirst
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To: momfirst
If a man is bisexual, shouldn't he be allowed to marry both a man and a woman? How about people with multiple personalities?
15 posted on 03/10/2004 2:24:49 PM PST by shelterguy
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To: Lunatic Fringe
And why would that be apples and oranges?
16 posted on 03/10/2004 2:25:20 PM PST by Gottwnz
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To: jerhad
Actually, if the Dems are able to reverse the Bush tax cuts and the estate tax goes back to whatever, then if you marry your grandmother (assuming a sibling doesn't beat you to the old babe), her estate can pass to you tax free under the spousal election...the possibilities are endless...more anon.
17 posted on 03/10/2004 2:28:42 PM PST by MarkT
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To: shelterguy; Hillarys nightmare
I want to marry myself.

But if I get a divorce, who gets the house?
18 posted on 03/10/2004 2:30:40 PM PST by JoJo Gunn (Intellectuals exist only if you believe they do. )
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To: JoJo Gunn
Your feminine side.
19 posted on 03/10/2004 2:31:20 PM PST by FreedomAvatar (If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate)
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To: jerhad
Great idea--I have a never-married Aunt who is now in her 80's. She owns the family house outright, all by herself.

We can save a bundle on evading Medicaid liens on the property if she needs to go into a nursing home. After we're married, the house and property will be exempt since I, as her spouse, reside in the home.

Trying to comply with Medicaid's "Transfer-of-Assets" provision takes 5 years and Attorney and Legal costs.

Getting married to my aunt is so much simpler.
20 posted on 03/10/2004 2:31:22 PM PST by jolie560
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To: FreedomAvatar
I was all confused for nothing.
21 posted on 03/10/2004 2:33:41 PM PST by JoJo Gunn (Intellectuals exist only if you believe they do. )
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To: jerhad
I think that a guy should be able to set up a household with Grandma, and put her on his heath care plan and give her special rights. What is wrong with that? No one says he needs to have sex with Grandma to qualify. No should have to be perverted to get benefits.
22 posted on 03/10/2004 2:36:02 PM PST by tessalu
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To: martin_fierro
Are you sure that is not Montana, where men are men and sheep are nervous?
23 posted on 03/10/2004 2:37:04 PM PST by navygal (I proudly pledge allegiance to one nation UNDER GOD!)
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To: jerhad
This is a fundamental issue here. Can I marry my (nonexistant in my case) sister? Or my (dead in my case) grandmother, if she were alive? How about my mother?

This marriage between any 2 humans is insane. It's more than just insane. It's maybe the most evil and disgusting social force out there.
24 posted on 03/10/2004 2:39:07 PM PST by Monty22
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To: jerhad
Hey, this is a great answer to all those wills and things. You just have to find a rich relative to marry and you eliminate any possibility of being cut out of a will.

I have an Irish Wolfhound that just about eats me out of house and home, and vet bill? Whew! If I married him, I could get a deduction for him on my taxes and could include him on my insurance. I'm in!

25 posted on 03/10/2004 2:41:05 PM PST by McGavin999 (Evil thrives when good men do nothing!)
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To: jerhad
Excellent !
26 posted on 03/10/2004 2:42:10 PM PST by jimt
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To: jerhad
Heck, if why stop at marrying your grandmother. Some churches are offering communion and other sacraments to pets (according to a WSJ article), why not marriage too. It shouldn't surprise you that it is an Episcopal church that is doing this, but there are others in blue states that are mentioned, including a Jewish Temple which sings a prayer for pets.
27 posted on 03/10/2004 2:44:51 PM PST by Eva
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To: jerhad
This entire subject flat cracked me up!!!!!!!!!!!! I am on the floor here..... I might have broken a rib on the way down. The fall frightened me and I was laughing so hard that I wet myself. When I tried to get up...I slipped on the puddle and went crashing through an open window and landed on the ground near the hot tub. The neighbor lady had been trying to catch a tan in her bikini when she heard all the ruckus and came rushing over to see if she could help me.

Unfortunately and most embarrassingly, just before all this happened, I had been in the hot tub, so I was not dressed for company..heck, I wasn't dressed at all. The worst part of the entire event was my Bride arriving home early from work.

Well, she sent the 25 year old hard body neighbor lady home and helped me back into the house. Then she wanted an explanation, so I told her that I had lost myself in laughter over the thought of marrying my grandmother.......bang.....I hit the floor again. This is when I think I broke the second rib. My Bride might have left me ( she has all the money in this family) and I can hardly breath now......

You will be hearing from my lawyers!!

Oh, one question....Would it be required that ones Grandmother actually be alive at the time of the marriage???
28 posted on 03/10/2004 2:45:21 PM PST by Gator113
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To: All
My cow is dead so I don't need your bull.

I don't need anybody!

29 posted on 03/10/2004 2:53:43 PM PST by battlegearboat
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To: Gator113
I don't see why we should start discriminating at that point. We wouldn't want LiberalScorpion to accuse us of being (get ready) . . . NECROPHOBIC.
30 posted on 03/10/2004 2:54:27 PM PST by NaughtiusMaximus (I could never vote for a guy with a chin like that.)
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To: jolie560
Take that old aunt right down to city hall, quickly.
31 posted on 03/10/2004 2:54:50 PM PST by tessalu
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To: jerhad
Grandma, Will You Marry Me?

Go to it jerhad, then you will be

your own grandpa.


32 posted on 03/10/2004 2:57:13 PM PST by boothead
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To: jerhad
True story--

When I worked in the Food Stamp program many years ago, I was assigned to do a yearly re-certification of a man and his son, who had been receiving Food Stamps as a household of 2 (two) for 10 years.

The man told me he was now living alone as his son had died last month. I expressed my condolence. He said: "Yep--that old Rusty was a damn good dog. I miss him."

When I wrote up my "Food Stamp Fraud" report, the guys at the Fraud Unit laughed. The man was disqualified from the Food Stamp program for awhile, then he re-applied as a household of ONE, even though he had since gotten a new dog.
33 posted on 03/10/2004 2:57:58 PM PST by jolie560
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To: navygal
Hey! I live in Montana. Our sheep are not nervous, they're cute.


34 posted on 03/10/2004 2:58:26 PM PST by CholeraJoe (Bush/Cheney 2004. Go ugly early, boys. You know the 'rats will.)
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To: jerhad
Here's another reason to marry your grandmother-unemployed sister-in-law, or child. Free health benefits and a dependent to claim.

Parents are often forced to drop children off health insurance when the child reaches majority. Sometimes the child is left uninsurable. "Marriage" could end this. Why should a 6 month "partner" count more than a child or a parent or a pet?

San Fran offers the solution. Marry the grandmother, the child, the pet. Free health care and equal rights for long standing loved ones. A sick parent or child should have an equal claim to "partners" group insurance.

A simple "marriage" license keeps grandma on the group plan for life. Those who live alone, can marry a pet. Free vet bills for life. Anyone?

35 posted on 03/10/2004 3:04:51 PM PST by GOPJ (NFL Owners: Grown men don't watch hollywood peep shows with wives and children.)
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To: boothead
If people who are gay 'because they are born that way... etc' can marry, they why cant people who are related, they are after all 'born that way........'

36 posted on 03/10/2004 3:05:11 PM PST by Villain
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To: Villain
Good point. Now have fun kids. But remember, "If you do it for LOVE then its just fine. But if you do it for LUST it's just plain nasty!"
37 posted on 03/10/2004 3:08:44 PM PST by NaughtiusMaximus (I could never vote for a guy with a chin like that.)
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To: jerhad
When you think about it, it would be a great form of rebellion. If brother-sister, father-daughter, mother-son,3way,4way,dog,cat,you name it, went to the courthouses that are conducting these gay weddings and demanded equal protection under the law. Just like to see if the rats try to defend them. I bet the A.C.L.U would,but it would wake the nation up to the fact that we do need a constitutional amendment protecting marriage.
38 posted on 03/10/2004 3:09:49 PM PST by Gottwnz
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To: jolie560
You said it much better than I did. Thanks. Why give special rights to a person for having sex with the same person for 6 months (the usual level of insurance requirement) over someone known and loved for a lifetime? Dump the child off group insurance, but add a 6 month lover? Odd.

We can save a bundle on evading Medicaid liens on the property if she needs to go into a nursing home. After we're married, the house and property will be exempt since I, as her spouse, reside in the home.

Trying to comply with Medicaid's "Transfer-of-Assets" provision takes 5 years and Attorney and Legal costs.

39 posted on 03/10/2004 3:11:09 PM PST by GOPJ (NFL Owners: Grown men don't watch hollywood peep shows with wives and children.)
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To: jerhad
As long as it's for love and not for the money.


40 posted on 03/10/2004 3:12:07 PM PST by P.O.E. (Enjoy every sandwich)
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To: jerhad
Don't forget to sign up for Social Security survivors and death benefits.
41 posted on 03/10/2004 3:15:01 PM PST by jwalsh07 (We're bringing it on John but you can't handle the truth!)
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To: Gottwnz
Fruit.
42 posted on 03/10/2004 3:16:21 PM PST by sandlady
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To: Sloth
"Now you only need something new, borrowed and blue."

No more callers! We have a winner!

FR Line-o'-the-Day!!

43 posted on 03/10/2004 3:18:58 PM PST by Airborne Longhorn
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To: Gator113
Great. Now *I* just broke some ribs. You will be receiving the hospital bills.....

: )

(My children just came running in, because your post made me laugh so hard I started choking!! )
44 posted on 03/10/2004 3:19:39 PM PST by Politicalmom
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To: jerhad
Better ask Grandma first.




45 posted on 03/10/2004 3:21:22 PM PST by Lady Jag (It's in the bag)
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To: jerhad
I hope somebody shows Antonin Scalia this thread when the issue comes up (again) in the Supreme Court. I think he could use some of this biting (no pun intended) humor in his dissenting opinion:^)

Cordially,

46 posted on 03/10/2004 5:35:23 PM PST by Diamond
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To: Airborne Longhorn
Bump:

We have a winner!

47 posted on 03/10/2004 7:11:17 PM PST by GOPJ (NFL Owners: Grown men don't watch hollywood peep shows with wives and children.)
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To: momfirst
Really, somebody needs to have the guts to show them just how rediculous it is to re-define marriage, and in all fairness, as they state, you can't discriminate - go for it! Please, please, please!!

And in all their fairyness????? Is that what you meant?

48 posted on 03/10/2004 7:22:05 PM PST by eeriegeno
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To: jolie560
Too bad it wasn't an uncle, you could have his breasts done, marry him and have his way with him and have him committed when he slips.
49 posted on 03/10/2004 7:27:51 PM PST by Iberian
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To: JoJo Gunn
I want to marry myself.

If you marry yourself, do each of you get to claim the other one as a dependent. Suddenly - one personal exemption becomes four!!!

Hoo! Ya!

50 posted on 03/10/2004 7:38:23 PM PST by reg45
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