The Case for Staying Home - More Women Are Sticking With the Kids

Time (via AOL news) ^ | 3/16/04 | Claudia Wallis

[Marie]

I've convinced two women to quit their jobs and stay at home by breaking down their finances.

How much do you earn?

How many times do you eat fast food?

How much do you spend on day care, gas to and from work, etc

How much time do you loose due to your children's illnesses?

Is your house clean and organized? Do you have the time?

Is your family happy?

When I put all this to them, one woman found that she was only earning $200 a month above what her husband was earning and the other found the it was actually COSTING her husband $100 a month. She was actually paying for the privilage of stressing her family beyond all reason. (The secind one quit her job the week after our talk.)

[Marie]

I'd say God bless your family, but it's been done! LOL! Hug your wife and boys for me!

[netmilsmom]

Crap. I'm always late to the party.

I have a PhD in Natropathic Medicine, an AAB in Business Management, and a certificate in Medical Assisting.

I am broke, have a ten year old MiniVan and we eat hot dogs.
BUT, I am rich in the love of my children and they get the best education in the world, from me and Alpha Omega!!!!!

The "I have to work" excuse is BS. Give me your budget, I'll show you where to cut (it won't be easy) and you too can stay at home. It's your job Mom, much more than that paycheck...

God Bless you Rocky!! You got it too!

[netmilsmom]

Tia, Do you know if there is a stay-at-home mom ping list?
Do you know how to do one??

Seems like many of the ladies here would love it!

[GraceCoolidge]

I am in the same position. An earlier poster expressed dismay at the "late age" at which women are having children now... I probably fit into that category but the student loans are a big issue that often you don't hear mentioned. I wouldn't trade being home for anything... as I told one of my friends, I think I was a good lawyer, but there are lots of lawyers out there, and the legal system seems thus far to be doing okay without me. My son, on the other hand, has one mother and he would (I think!) miss me if I were gone. Of course, there are also lifestyle trade offs... I know people who believe late model luxury cars are a necessity, that a McMansion represents a basic need of life, etc. I think the husband also plays a big role... it's hard for a woman (particularly a professional type, I think) to stay home if her husband isn't supportive of that choice and also willing to make the financial sacrifices it entails. In law, though, the part time work is hard to come by... luckily my area of practice will allow me to have my own shop at some point. I think for a lot of women, self-employment is the best option.

[GraceCoolidge]

Very true... also look at what you pay in taxes. Often when a mother is staying home, everyone says "oh you are giving up [gross salary] so much per year." Hogwash. My take home was only about 60% of my gross anyway. When you do that math, you are completely right, you don't give up that much. I also have told mothers that the key is not to get locked into a lot of high fixed expenses (mortgage, car note) while you have the two incomes. I know people who went out and bought luxury cars during the pregnancy... I mean $50K range. Well, that kind of payment does make it harder to stay home, doesn't it?

[Maximilian]

I've convinced two women to quit their jobs and stay at home by breaking down their finances.

Bingo!! Most women working second jobs are costing their families money. Unless they are high-level professionals like doctors or lawyers, and 99% of working women are not. Every penny (and then some) goes into the car, the clothes, the day care, the food, the taxes, etc.

There was a great episode of the old Bob Newhart show where Emily bought Bob a very expensive watch, and when he was upset, she claimed "I bought it with my money." So he (using his experience being formerly an accountant in real life) sat down with her and went over the budget. It turned out that her job as an elementary school teacher didn't even cover her payments on her new car after you subtracted the taxes and other expenses. But she still thought of it as "her money."

This is another problem with women working: they see their income as "their money" and the husband's income supports the family. At my last job every time a woman was hired at some low-level job, a week later there was a new SUV in the parking lot. You could time it to the minute. There's no way these secretaries were making enough money even to pay for these fancy cars.

And if you don't have free day care (grandma or aunt), then don't even THINK about taking a job. There is just no way you can make a profit from a second job if you are paying for day care. If only more of these women could talk to a level-headed accountant like yourself, they wouldn't be "stressing their families beyond all reason" while losing money at the same time.

[Maximilian]

Grace you make a lot of good points here. Student loans is one of the biggest obstacles to leading a normal married life. Your point about self-employment is also good. And you don't need to be a lawyer. Being a beautician will be much more profitable for a stay-at-home mother than going out to get a job.

Your comments reminded me of a recent book that makes the same point about becoming locked into high overhead based on 2 salaries. Then you have no room for error if even 1 gets laid off. This is a book that everyone should take a look at:

The Two-Income Trap

The Two-Income Trap: Why Middle-Class Mothers and Fathers Are Going Broke by Elizabeth Warren, Amelia Warren Tyagi

[dust-jacket description] This groundbreaking exposé brings to light the surprising financial consequences of mothers going to work, and the precarious position of today's middle class.

More than two decades ago, the women's movement flung open the doors of the workplace. Although this social revolution created a firestorm of controversy, no one questioned the idea that women's involvement in the workforce was certain to improve families' financial lot. Until now.

In this brilliantly argued book, Harvard Law School bankruptcy expert Elizabeth Warren and business consultant Amelia Tyagi show that today's middle-class parents are suffering from an unprecedented and totally unexpected economic meltdown. Astonishingly, sending mothers to work has made families more vulnerable than ever before. Today's two-income family earns 75% more money than its single-income counterpart of a generation ago, but actually has less discretionary income once their fixed monthly bills are paid.

How did this happen? Warren and Tyagi provide convincing evidence that the culprit is not "overconsumption," as many critics have charged. Instead, they point to the ferocious bidding war for housing and education that has quietly engulfed America's suburbs. Stay-at-home mothers once provided a financial safety net if disaster struck; their move into the workforce has left today's families chillingly at risk. The authors show why the usual remedies-child-support enforcement, subsidized daycare, and higher salaries for women-won't solve the problem, and propose a set of innovative solutions, from rate caps on credit cards to open-access public schools, to restore security to the middle class.

[petercooper]

More people should do it. It's the best way to raise children.

[Marie]

What kills me is the attitude that once you decide to stay home with your children, your life is over. Your education is wasted. I pray that I have enough time on this earth to raise our children, but the odds are in my favor that I'll have plenty of time after they're gone to do a lot of things. I'm still trying to decide "what I want to be when I grow up" (the anthropology foundation I was working on in the long-long-ago doesn't have the same appeal that it once had), but it's good to know that I have a stimulating, independent future ahead.

Here's another thought, an educated mother raises educated children. The more tools that a woman brings to the job of motherhood, the better off the kids will be. An education is NEVER a waste. I'm hoping that my daughter goes to college, marries well and raises outstanding children.

[luckystarmom]

I had a job as a software engineer making roughly $60k ten years ago. That's a good amount of money.

However, we figured that after paying taxes, childcare, gas, clothing, food, housekeeper, etc while I would work I think we may have brought like $1000 a month home. That was not worth the price of working.

My kids are in school full-time now, and I'm starting to think about a job. However, the kids are home for the summer, Christmas vacation, teacher in-service days, spring break, and other holidays. Not to mention staying home when the kids are sick. I really don't know how much I could work. Also, my kids school starts at 9am and they are done at 3pm. I would probably get to work at like 9:30-10am and have to leave by 2-2:30pm. Then you have to add in a lunch break. Well, that's maybe 4 hours. On top of that, you have to spend the weekends running errands. Our weekends are for family fun and church.

All I can see is that my family would be short-changed if I went back to work. When my youngest start middle school, they will be able to walk to the school. Also, they can stay by themselves (not something I would want to do on a regular basis). However, it would probably be easier to work part-time then.

[netmilsmom]

>>Here's another thought, an educated mother raises educated children. The more tools that a woman brings to the job of motherhood, the better off the kids will be. An education is NEVER a waste. I'm hoping that my daughter goes to college, marries well and raises outstanding children.<<

Geez, woman!! You should print this out and hand it to girls at High School Graduations. Spot ON!!

[GraceCoolidge]

You know, I'd read a lot about this book but had not read the book itself. It would be interesting to read the details about the "ferocious bidding war for housing." Sometimes I think about the houses in which people raised larger families years ago. Today, most people think you "have" to have a bedroom for each child, at least three or four bathrooms, and of course the obligatory "media room" or workout room or whatever other bonus room is thrown in. Of course, you also have to add on the deck! My own experience, though, is that most working mothers are working for extras: not just the house, but vacations, nicer cars, etc. I am glad that when I do return to the workforce, I can at least attempt self-employment. My point about my area of law was that, unlike more "high end" practice areas (like corporate law, large scale commercial stuff), my practice will let me work on my own. You don't see too many securities lawyers hanging out a shingle or having a solo practice! I have to admit, though, that the practice area is just luck on my part... I didn't think this through when I went into it. I would like to see women encouraged to think more into the future when they make career and education choices: private college vs. state, loans associated with different types of graduate study, that kind of thing. I know I would do some things quite differently, and I consider myself to have been very lucky. But I suspect any young woman starting her career who actually stopped to consider the effect of her choices on a future family would be ridiculed as "just looking to get married." I think women need to realize that the choices you make early greatly influence the choices you can make later.

[Maximilian]

I think women need to realize that the choices you make early greatly influence the choices you can make later.

Very good point. I recently read an article about the implications of an old saying that went something like, "As you prepare, so shall you follow through." (I'm probably not getting it quite right, but that's the gist.) It applies to all sorts of areas. But if young girls are preparing for lives as workers in corporate America, and are taking all sorts of steps that make it impractical to stay home and raise their kids, then it's not a surprise when the country is not able to maintain a birth rate sufficient to replace themselves.

[kittymyrib]

A minister friend of mine said he has never visited with an elderly person or a dying person who said they wished they had spent more time on the job!