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A Gentleman's VP
News Max ^ | 5.3.04 | John L. Perry

Posted on 05/01/2004 10:07:42 PM PDT by hope

A Gentleman’s VP

John L. Perry
Monday, May 3, 2004
Time to consider the appropriate running mate for John Kerry on the Democratic ticket. All political partisanship must be set aside. America is at war.

These are serious times, making the vice presidency of even greater moment than ever. As Senator Kerry would have everyone believe, oh, woe is we:

America’s population is unemployed, flat on its butt. Its citizens are held in the thrall of the filthy-rich (except for Kerry and the missus). Cut-and-run corporations (it’s unpatriotic to mention Heinz-Kerry ketchup kitchens) outsource jobs to foreign lands. The armed forces (micromanaged from a tool shed outside Crawford, Texas) are mired in Iraq, in a quagmire quaggier than Vietnam, getting the daylights beat out of them day in and night out. The United States is devoid abroad of all friends, allies, well-wishers and hangers-on (the French, as usual, don’t fancy us).

Crème de la Crème

The Democratic Party primaries have labored and brought forth the very best of their best in the persona of the most liberal of liberal senators, the most manly that Massachusetts has to offer.

Obviously, what is called for now is the other half of that matching set of bookends, a vice presidential candidate to complement the leadership qualities that Kerry has so impressively demonstrated.

If need be, the nation must be scoured for just the right fit.

The traditional requirement that the vice-presidential nominee must be from a state with enough electoral votes to ensure the ticket’s victory is utter nonsense now that opinion polls are the accepted conventional wisdom.

Diversity Be Damned

Also politically passé is the notion that he/she must hail from an offsetting geographical region other than that of the head of the ticket.

No longer does it matter if the vice-presidential, or presidential, nominee is a Protestant, Catholic or Jew. OK, so maybe America isn’t quite ready yet for a Muslim in the White House. Be patient.

Age, gender, sexual preference, ethnic hyphenation, marital status, mental health, none of the usual shopworn considerations is of any validity anymore.

What’s a Man Without a Man’s Man?

As it should be, all that matters in 2004 is, plainly and simply, this:

No farther than a heartbeat away from the presidency, a vice president must be the indispensable confidant of the president, the uncomplaining amanuensis (you could look that up) of his every wish.

Agreed? Of course. What reasonable objection could possibly be raised to those requisites?

An End to Speculation

Then there is but one person on the whole planet who is sufficiently politically correct (what counts these days) to meet the test.

His name – don’t everyone rush at once to shout the obvious answer – is none other than – let’s hear it now for – Marvin Nicholson!.

Whadda you mean who the hell is Marvin Nicholson? What are you, some kinda political ignoramus? Have you been living in a cave or on the wrong side of the Hudson River? Don’t you read all you need to read, namely the New York Times? Get a life!

You Name It

As everyone-who-is-anyone knows, Marvin Nicholson is John Kerry’s hand-picked, personal butler, valet, liegeman, retainer, menial, squire, footboy, lackey, flunky, equerry, groom, wallah, swineherd, chamberlain, subaltern, vassal … the list goes on and on, filling a whole half a page in the thesaurus.

Yes, Marvin Nicholson is the dear senator’s designated dogs-body, his eager ankle-biter, his private step’n fetchit who dials his telephone for him, pops open his bumbershoot at the first drop of rain (that coif mustn’t be mussed), picks out (may even tie) his expensive neckwear, schleps his fashionable luggage, selects his tedious menu, snowboards protectively alongside him, wakes him up in the morning and (no foolin’) tucks him in at night.

To hear the New York Times tell it – now would the New York Times make up anything? – “Kerry would be helpless without his trusty manservant, Marvin Nicholson.”

An Almost Biblical Match

America most assuredly does not want a president who is helpless. Not in these perilous times. So, like Ruth and Naomi, whither John Kerry goest, there will Marvin Nicholson go. So why not make him official? On the ticket, entitled to Secret Service protection.

As the proper New York Times delicately confides, “Mr. Kerry is comfortable being catered to.”

Well! We can’t have a president rattling around the White House un-catered to while trying to make life-or-death decisions for America.

And just what does “catered to” mean (for the benefit of those who’ve never been)? Who better to elaborate further than the New York Times, raised with its own silver liberal-ladle in its mouth?

No Want Unattended

An April 28 article in the newspaper that prints all the news that fits its agenda (which makes one wonder how this one got past the 43nd Street editorial trolls), Kerry’s butler has on him at all times, or within instant reach, such absolute necessities of stressful political life as:

Loose change, Tylenol, Advil, Advil Liquid Gels, Advil Sinus pills, Swedish hand cream, Halls cough drops, Scope mouthwash, a tube of Blistex, Band-Aids, a sewing kit, little zip-lock plastic baggies containing made-fresh-daily peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches wrapped in aluminum foil of course, cans of strawberry diet milkshake, Imodium and Handiwipes.

Wipes? That raises the question – not answered here, you can bet your bippy – of just what it is the pampered senator can or can’t or won’t do for himself, unassisted, on his very own, now that he’s over age 3.

Never Leave Home Without One

This little boy who never grew up doesn’t need a butler. He doesn’t need a vice president.

What John Kerry needs is a nanny.

And Hillary Clinton thinks she may want to be his vice-presidential running mate? Say what else you will about Hill, a nanny she’s not.

Right, Bill?

John L. Perry, a prize-winning newspaper editor and writer who served on White House staffs of two presidents, is a regular columnist for NewsMax.com.

107-107-107


TOPICS: Editorial; News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons; Politics/Elections
KEYWORDS: butler; kerry; manservant; valet; veep

1 posted on 05/01/2004 10:07:42 PM PDT by hope
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To: hope
BTTT
2 posted on 05/01/2004 11:51:52 PM PDT by lainde (Heads up...We're coming and we've got tongue blades!!)
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To: hope; Fracas; Liz; terilyn
LOL!
Good post, hope.
3 posted on 05/01/2004 11:54:27 PM PDT by onyx (Kerry' s a Veteran, but so were Lee Harvey Oswald, Timothy McVeigh and Benedict Arnold)
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To: hope
LOL, dogs-body! good word!

And the amazing thing is, the NYTimes likes Kerry, they really like him.

Or, maybe not, maybe they are just shillin' & chillin' for the Jr. Senator, Hillary!
4 posted on 05/02/2004 1:07:32 AM PDT by jocon307 (The dems don't get it, the American people do.)
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To: hope
Does anybody seriously think that John Kerry will be the nominee for the Democrat party by September 2004? He will be asked to step aside "for reasons of health", and the selected VP nominee will seize the reins. A second VP nominee will be named, presumedly either by a rump session of the Democrat National Committee, or just by fiat from the then-active Democrat nominee. There is still enough inertia in this country for someone like John Kerry to be elected over President George W. Bush, a dread thought, as a very bright hope for the future of America and relative freedom elsewhere in the world will wink out.

There is a certain fascination with the concept of a world fascist government, and many eyes cannot turn away from it. Like watching a pyromaniac gaze into the flames of his most recent work.
5 posted on 05/02/2004 2:51:01 AM PDT by alloysteel
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To: onyx
.....Marvin Nicholson is John Kerry’s hand-picked, personal butler, valet, liegeman, retainer, menial, squire, footboy, lackey, flunky, equerry, groom, wallah, swineherd, chamberlain, subaltern, vassal --- the list goes on and on.......

In what category will Kerry place American taxpayers? Republican as his flunkies? Democrats surely fit the bill as his swineherds.

6 posted on 05/02/2004 3:46:02 AM PDT by Liz
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To: Fracas; onyx; hope
Marvin Nicholson is the dear senator’s designated dogs-body, his eager ankle-biter, his private step’n fetchit who dials his telephone for him, pops open his bumbershoot at the first drop of rain (that coif mustn’t be mussed), picks out (may even tie) his expensive neckwear, schleps his fashionable luggage, selects his tedious menu, snowboards protectively alongside him, wakes him up in the morning and (no foolin’) tucks him in at night.........To hear the New York Times tell it......“Kerry would be helpless without his trusty manservant, Marvin Nicholson.”

Just what Millenium America needs.......a new aristocracy. Crowned by Dumbocrats, King Kerry ruling the peasants side-by-side with his wife, Teresa Marie Antoinette.

7 posted on 05/02/2004 3:54:32 AM PDT by Liz
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To: hope
bump
8 posted on 05/02/2004 4:32:21 AM PDT by varon (Allegiance to the constitution, always. Allegiance to a political party, never.)
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To: varon
Kerry/the Donald
...has a nice ring to it.
9 posted on 05/02/2004 5:46:17 AM PDT by Eric in the Ozarks
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To: onyx; Fracas; Liz; hope
I liked Jay Leno's comment last night.

Kerry needs a VP nominee to balance the ticket. That means he needs someone who is short, bald, and has a poor wife. LOL!
10 posted on 05/02/2004 6:43:30 AM PDT by terilyn
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To: All
What kerry really needs is an enema because he is completely full of it!!!!
11 posted on 05/02/2004 6:47:13 AM PDT by Defender2 (Defending Our Bill of Rights, Our Constitution, Our Country and Our Freedom!!!!)
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To: terilyn; onyx
ROTFL. Good one. Leno also quipped:

"Today’s my birthday. I got a lovely gift. Someone gave me the new John Kerry answering machine. The only problem is it doesn’t have a message."


" If Kerry is elected, Teresa will be the oldest First Lady ever to hold the title." But John doesn’t mind. " Teresa looks like a million bucks to me, " Kerry said. Jay added, "Make that 500 million bucks."
12 posted on 05/02/2004 6:57:21 AM PDT by Liz
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To: Liz
HA! I also liked the line...If John Kerry is elected he can give the State of the Union Address...and the rebuttle!
13 posted on 05/02/2004 7:06:31 AM PDT by terilyn
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To: PhilDragoo; Petronski; MeekOneGOP; Grampa Dave; devolve; Happy2BMe; BOBTHENAILER; onyx; potlatch
"Wipes? That raises the question – not answered here, you can bet your bippy – of just what it is the pampered senator can or can’t or won’t do for himself, unassisted, on his very own, now that he’s over age 3."

Is is safe to assume that the president wannabe is incapable of wiping his own arse?

14 posted on 05/02/2004 8:32:51 AM PDT by hope (How far will your passion take you?)
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To: hope; MeekOneGOP; PhilDragoo; Happy2BMe; potlatch; dixiechick; onyx; Liz; Mia T; jennyp

Kerry's staff has so far refused to release any papers on that problem.

But they were involved in training sessions at the time.

Session #1:

"Lift the Lid First"



15 posted on 05/02/2004 8:55:34 AM PDT by devolve (................... ...........................Hello from Sunny South Florida!..................)
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To: terilyn
If John Kerry is elected he can give the State of the Union Address...and the rebuttle!

The man with two faces and two answers for everything. Kerry's forging new ground; He will be forever embedded in political history as the Millenium Dumbocrat prototype.

16 posted on 05/02/2004 9:15:22 AM PDT by Liz
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To: terilyn
Kerry needs a VP nominee to balance the ticket. That means he needs someone who is short, bald, and has a poor wife. LOL!






LOL-LOL-LOL
Thinking caps girlfriends...
There has to be someone in the senate,
house, or a governorship we can tout! LOL!
17 posted on 05/02/2004 9:56:59 AM PDT by onyx (Kerry' s a Veteran, but so were Lee Harvey Oswald, Timothy McVeigh and Benedict Arnold)
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To: hope; devolve; terilyn; Liz
This thread is wonderfully amusing.
I love it.
18 posted on 05/02/2004 9:58:12 AM PDT by onyx (Kerry' s a Veteran, but so were Lee Harvey Oswald, Timothy McVeigh and Benedict Arnold)
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To: onyx; terilyn; hope; devolve

Let's see. Both have important hair.
Both lie. Both have wives you love to hate.

19 posted on 05/02/2004 10:20:15 AM PDT by Liz
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To: Liz
Hey Liz,
that's GOOD!
20 posted on 05/02/2004 10:21:21 AM PDT by onyx (Kerry' s a Veteran, but so were Lee Harvey Oswald, Timothy McVeigh and Benedict Arnold)
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To: onyx; terilyn
Kerry needs a VP nominee to balance the ticket. That means he needs someone who is short, bald, and has a poor wife. ...............Thinking caps girlfriends... There has to be someone in the senate, house, or a governorship we can tout!

Oh, I dunno, I think Kerry oughta give the Duke a shot at it.
After all they were a neat duo when Kerry was Duke's Lt Gov.

21 posted on 05/02/2004 10:36:17 AM PDT by Liz
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To: hope; devolve
haha ! Good article. Thanks.

22 posted on 05/02/2004 11:45:56 AM PDT by MeekOneGOP (There is ONLY ONE good Democrat: one that has just been voted OUT of POWER ! Straight ticket GOP!)
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To: hope



23 posted on 05/02/2004 11:47:20 AM PDT by MeekOneGOP (There is ONLY ONE good Democrat: one that has just been voted OUT of POWER ! Straight ticket GOP!)
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To: MeekOneGOP; Carl/NewsMax; Mia T; jennyp; PhilDragoo; Happy2BMe; potlatch; ntnychik; onyx; Liz; ...


 KANSAS CITY KID 


24 posted on 05/02/2004 12:35:22 PM PDT by devolve (................... ...........................Hello from Sunny South Florida!..................)
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To: MeekOneGOP
Flower child...
Dang, he's sickening.
25 posted on 05/02/2004 12:42:52 PM PDT by onyx (Kerry' s a Veteran, but so were Lee Harvey Oswald, Timothy McVeigh and Benedict Arnold)
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To: devolve; onyx
bump !

26 posted on 05/02/2004 12:46:46 PM PDT by MeekOneGOP (There is ONLY ONE good Democrat: one that has just been voted OUT of POWER ! Straight ticket GOP!)
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To: hope
DEEP VEEP DEUX
(Marvin Nicholson Notwithstanding, John Kerry Doesn't Need a Nanny. He needs an heiress.)

27 posted on 05/02/2004 6:42:29 PM PDT by Mia T (Stop Clintons' Undermining Machinations (The acronym is the message.))
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To: hope; devolve
I would think that the White House staff is living in fear of a Kerry Presidency, LOL. Hopefully they will all vote against him!

If he isn't polite to average people, think what he is like to the 'hired help'!!
28 posted on 05/02/2004 9:36:39 PM PDT by potlatch ( Medals do not make a man. Morals do.)
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