HEINZ KERRY ON CINCO DE MAYO [Barfer press release]

It was indeed a stinging military defeat for the French; however, it was at the hands of the Spanish Army.

Good lord, where did you get THAT idea?

It was, in fact, the French being defeated by the Mexicans in 1862. No Spanish involved at all.

Interestingly it appears it really isn't that big of a deal in Mexico (Mexican Independence Day is a bigger deal there) but it's mostly a Mexican-American thing.

The French came back with a much bigger force the next year and reached Mexico City and installed a puppet emperor.

A lot of Mexican-American sites make a big deal about the Battle of Puebla delaying French control of Mexico long enough to keep Napoleon III from using Mexico as a base to aid the Confederates and thus was key to the Union winning the Civil War, but you always have to be suspicious about such things.

After the Civil War was over we sent Phil Sheridan and 50,000 Union Veterans to the Rio Grande and politely suggested to the French that they might want to stop fooling around in Mexico and started mumbling about the Monroe Doctrine, so the French left and then the Mexicans overthrew the puppet emperor. Our threats had more to do with getting rid of the French for the Mexicans than the Mexicans did, really.

The end of a long history of the French fooling around in Mexico, before Puebla the French briefly intervened to get compensation for a French Pastry Bakery being destroyed in the "Pastry War"...this is when Santa Anna famously lost his leg, and was one of the few non-embarrasing episodes in Santa Anna's military career (but, of course, it was against the French.)

Outraged Hispanic-Americans have been flooding RNC Headquarters today asking for information on switching parties after a secret memo linking the Kerry Campaign with the Heinz Company surfaced last week at the local San Antonio DNC Headquarters.

The secret memo addresses JFKerry’s first tentative official act in the White House. Identified as Executive Order H-57, Kerry intends to declare salsa (both the red and green varieties) and pico de gallo as UnAmerican. The E. O. purportedly bans the use/sale of the tasty condiment not only in restaurants, but in American homes as well.

Ketchupboy Kerry, campaigning in an upscale Northeast San Antonio eatery, Taco Bell, responded to angry Hispanic gourmets, “This E. O. is only my first step in curbing illegal immigration thru our southern border.” Kerry rebuffed questions alleging that Condiment Queen Teresa Kerry-Heinz had fathered the proposed law.

“I have also notified PETA to investigate the horrendous conditions beakless roosters are suffering due to this unfortunate pico de gallo craze,” crowed the clueless Boston Botox Beano. “Ketchup is an All-American sauce that has graced our American dining tables for over 125 years,” Kerry spouted while munching on a Mucho Muy Grande Bell Grande taco doused with Heinz 57 Catsup.
“It’s time for all Americans, and especially our little American amigos to return to the All-American tradition,” Kerry continued, wiping a blob of red sauce from his yellow-spotted French silk power tie.

MALDEF spokesperson, the saucy attorney Dr. Pepper Gomez, reportedly stated that this was a hot tomato issue with all Hispanics and that a MALDEF lawsuit was in the works. LULAC representatives could not be reached for comment as they were holding their weekly membership drive pachanga at Dick’s Last Resort on the Riverwalk. Former head of English Only America, the affable Linda Chavez, exclaimed, “Ay caramba.”

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson would say only, “Ketchup is good,” when contacted for comment. The laconic response was due to his name listed right behind Rodham and McCain on the short list of Vice Presidential candidates on the Kerry/Hillary ticket. Brown Beret picketers brandished signs outside the tony Taco Bell with the following messages:
DIGA NO A CHILE CON KERRY; I’D SOONER SALSA; REMEMBER THE SALSAMO!
SALSA—THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!; CHICANOS CON KERRY, NOT!
KERRY, HAVE YOU TRIED SALSA ON YOUR WAFFLES

Commander-in-Chief G.W. Bush, after signing Executive Order 5-5 requiring salsa in all Iraqi-bound MREs, was heard sputtering, “Yo no quiero ketchup en Taco Bell.” “From this day forward,” the President continued, “Cinco de Mayo shall be known as ‘Salsa Libre Day’, so that all patriotic Mexican-Americans can celebrate their liberation from the First French President, Monsieur Kerry, and his ketchup queen, who is rumored to have declared, “Let them eat Ketchup.”

On hearing this, Johnny Rodriguez and Freddy Fender rushed to their factories to change the name of their zesty concoctions to “Salsa Libre”. After the campaign speech, an open microphone broadcast the following excerpt from Monsieur Kerry, “ lazy buncha lying crooks.” It was unclear whom the AWOL Senator was addressing.

Quickly informed by the campaign manager of the Hillary for '08 Prez, General Tong An Chic, former lobbyist for Cali Buddhist Temples Association, that the Hispanic diaspora could cost him the election, the International King of Waffles countered, "Salsa, salsa? I gave it a 9, it has a good beat, and you can dance to it!"

An unnamed source from a La Joya, Texas think tank contributed to this article.

>>Kerry was in Viet Nam??? I did not know that. :)<<

I am the very model of a presidential candidate,
From character to senator I know what to assassinate.
I lobby for the victims of injustice and adversity,
And care for those unfortunates who lack my great diversity.
I've slept with movie starlets and I've yachted with the Kennedys,
I've copied their initials and I've shared in their amenities.
And in the field of foreign wars my service is distinguished,
Or will be just as soon as all the rumors are extinguished.

Or will be just as soon as all the rumors are extinguished.
Or will be just as soon as all the rumors are extinguished.
Or will be just as soon as all the rumors are extinguished.

I'm boarding schooled and prepped and preened in snowy neutral Switzerland,
my haircuts and my super facials put me out at least a grand.
My visage in the mirror never ceases me to fascinate;
I am the very model of a presidential candidate.

In short his mirror visage never ceases him to fascinate;
He is the very model of a presidential candidate.

I married very well, indeed I did, and married nearly twice,
The first for money and for practice, though the kids they say are nice.
My first wife was unwillingly annulled, yet she remains a friend,
My second wife is richer still, and she is quite a major brand.
My intellectual positionings, like marriages, are pairs;
I'm married to ideas, I think, when they belong to billionaires;
So left and right and wrong are nuanced and I have my haws and hems;
And I will never rush to judgment like Prince Hamlet on the Thames.

And I will never rush to judgment like Prince Hamlet on the Thames.
And I will never rush to judgment like Prince Hamlet on the Thames.
And I will never rush to judgment like Prince Hamlet on the Thames.

I am the very model of a presidential candidate,
In matters war and peaceful I will always spin and vacillate.
When I become the president at last, we surely will have peace,
Unless some vast right wing conspiracy in Haiti or in Greece,
Attacks with indefensible assault the People's Insurrection,
Or somewhere ignorant and shameless fools demand a fair election.
Then I will castigate and reprimand severely the aggressor,
Unless perhaps I delegate the task to the U.N. or my successor.

Unless perhaps I delegate the task to the U.N. or my successor.
Unless perhaps I delegate the task to the U.N. or my successor.
Unless perhaps I delegate the task to the U.N. or my successor.

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