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Service Oaths [Humor Break]
email ^ | 5/21/2004 | unk

Posted on 05/21/2004 1:24:18 PM PDT by COBOL2Java

Service Oaths


Army

I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual...er...I mean Basic Training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.

On my first trip home after Basic, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So help me God.

Navy

I, Squid, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?"

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world. using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and ensignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.

Air Force

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that.

I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times besure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.

I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.

Marine Corps

I, state your name, swear...uuhhhh... high-and-tight... cammies...uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH!

So help me Corps.


TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: airforce; army; marines; navy; navyairforce
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Got this email from my Army daughter. Looked like some equal-opportunity ribbing...
1 posted on 05/21/2004 1:24:19 PM PDT by COBOL2Java
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To: COBOL2Java

The Air Force one looks accurate as best as I can remember.


2 posted on 05/21/2004 1:36:30 PM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Tag lines for sale or rent. Quips to rent 50 cents.)
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To: COBOL2Java

The Marine Corps is actually a department of the Navy---the men's department.


3 posted on 05/21/2004 1:39:55 PM PDT by GSWarrior (oo-rah)
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To: Conspiracy Guy

Me, too, CG.


4 posted on 05/21/2004 1:40:07 PM PDT by CholeraJoe (In WWII, not a single plane from the 8th Air Force turned back due to enemy fire.)
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To: Conspiracy Guy
The Air Force one looks accurate as best as I can remember.

Yup.

5 posted on 05/21/2004 1:41:21 PM PDT by IDontLikeToPayTaxes
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To: CholeraJoe

In my case it would be Service Oaf.


6 posted on 05/21/2004 1:43:58 PM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Tag lines for sale or rent. Quips to rent 50 cents.)
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To: IDontLikeToPayTaxes

They left out the part about being able to order eggs anyway you wanted them in the chow hall because they were real eggs.


7 posted on 05/21/2004 1:45:39 PM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Tag lines for sale or rent. Quips to rent 50 cents.)
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To: COBOL2Java

I remember something along these lines. Semper Fi.


8 posted on 05/21/2004 1:47:28 PM PDT by The KG9 Kid
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To: GSWarrior

; )


9 posted on 05/21/2004 1:47:43 PM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Tag lines for sale or rent. Quips to rent 50 cents.)
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To: COBOL2Java
Gronk remembers fifth general order

To quit my post only when properly relieved. GGRRRRRRR

Semper Fi ! :)

10 posted on 05/21/2004 1:50:25 PM PDT by Centurion2000 (Resolve to perform what you must; perform without fail that what you resolve.)
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To: Conspiracy Guy
The Air Force one looks accurate as best as I can remember.

LOL

11 posted on 05/21/2004 1:52:28 PM PDT by Fiddlstix (This Tagline for sale. (Presented by TagLines R US))
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To: CholeraJoe

Remember this SAC Credo which was probably used in every branch?


"We the unknowing. Led by the uncaring. Have done so much, for so long, with so little. That we are now prepared to do it all with absolutely nothing, at all."


12 posted on 05/21/2004 1:55:06 PM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Tag lines for sale or rent. Quips to rent 50 cents.)
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To: COBOL2Java
Several friends of mine were members of the Marine Corps Rescue Division, 1st Cav, pay back for Korea.
13 posted on 05/21/2004 1:56:25 PM PDT by Little Bill (Welcome to the Gay State!)
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To: Fiddlstix

Click here for photo of Airman Conspiracy Guy straight out of basic training, Aug 1972. http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/1136997/posts?page=192#192 Don't laugh I'm only 18.


14 posted on 05/21/2004 1:57:57 PM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Tag lines for sale or rent. Quips to rent 50 cents.)
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To: GSWarrior
The Marine Corps is actually a department of the Navy---the mentally challenged men's department.

-- A former squid. :)
15 posted on 05/21/2004 2:01:31 PM PDT by brownsfan (I didn't leave the democratic party, the democratic party left me.)
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To: Fiddlstix; Conspiracy Guy
One of my friends recently joined the Army. As we were discussing what the requirements for joining various branches of the Armed Forces were, he suggested that I enlist.

I asked him which branch I should enlist in, and he told me, quite frankly, the Air Force. "Their boot camp is pretty weak."

16 posted on 05/21/2004 2:01:38 PM PDT by The Scourge of Yazid (You can never be too offensive for my tastes. That's like saying her breasts were "too" big.)
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To: ItsonlikeDonkeyKong

I went through Army basic and AIT when I was 17. No way would I survive it today, 17 years later. Air Force I would take a shot at.


17 posted on 05/21/2004 2:04:56 PM PDT by ABG(anybody but Gore) (Mark Hamill: "I can't murder anybody."-Lee Marvin: "You don't murder animals, you kill them.")
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To: Conspiracy Guy

Remember it well!


18 posted on 05/21/2004 2:05:03 PM PDT by CholeraJoe (In WWII, not a single plane from the 8th Air Force turned back due to enemy fire.)
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To: The KG9 Kid

A young boy and his family were waiting out a long lay-over at a busy airport. The boy noticed a spit and polish Marine in his dress uniform. The youngster walked over to the Marine, and overwhelmed by the impressive figure, expressed his admiration, "Wow!!!" was about all the kid could utter, as he stood staring at the Marine. The Marine felt a sense of pride at the kid's admiration, and grabbing his snow white saucer cap with the highly polished bill, said, "Here kid, why don't you try this on..."


The youngster donned the cap, and although it was too big for his head, began to cockily strut up and down the concourse at the airport, wearing it. The kid strayed into a men's room where he saw a Ranger standing at the urinal. Decked out with his black beret, blue infantry cord, CIB, combat patch, and stack of ribbons and badges. The kid walked up to the Ranger, and as just with the Marine, was overtaken by admiration..."Wow!!!!" marveled the youth.


"Blow me, kid," stated the mannerless Ranger.


"Oh no sir, it's not like that," said the kid, "I just borrowed the hat!"


19 posted on 05/21/2004 2:08:14 PM PDT by I got the rope (Artillery....The King of Battle)
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To: ItsonlikeDonkeyKong
"Their boot camp is pretty weak."

Whaddya expect? They're training wrench turners and jet jockeys. If you volunteer for one of the physical jobs like Force Protection or Pararescue, they'll train you up in tech school.

20 posted on 05/21/2004 2:08:19 PM PDT by CholeraJoe (In WWII, not a single plane from the 8th Air Force turned back due to enemy fire.)
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To: I got the rope
ROTFLMAO.

For the record, Rangers wear tan berets now.

21 posted on 05/21/2004 2:09:49 PM PDT by CholeraJoe (In WWII, not a single plane from the 8th Air Force turned back due to enemy fire.)
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To: ItsonlikeDonkeyKong

I can vouche for that. Spring training in high school football was tougher than USAF Basic. Even though I was in San Antonio, Tx in the middle of summer 100 + most days. I was very disappointed at the softness of physical activity.

If you want skills easier to fit the civilian world and a professional environment, go Air Force.

If you like being on ships, Navy.

If you want tough physical training and down in the dirt fighting, Army or Marines.

Coast Guard if you like little ships.

All branches will give you discipline and teamwork skills. What is your level of education and what would you like to do in the military are important questions to ask yourself. I have 2 nephews in the Marines and they love it. I have another nephew who served in the Navy and hated it.


22 posted on 05/21/2004 2:11:40 PM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Tag lines for sale or rent. Quips to rent 50 cents.)
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To: Conspiracy Guy
"We the unknowing. Led by the uncaring. Have done so much, for so long, with so little. That we are now prepared to do it all with absolutely nothing, at all."

ROFL
I once saw a sign in an office that was similar.

It said: We the unwilling, lead by the unknowing are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
We have done so much for so long with so little equipment that we are now qualified to anything at all with nothing.

23 posted on 05/21/2004 2:13:23 PM PDT by Fiddlstix (This Tagline for sale. (Presented by TagLines R US))
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To: CholeraJoe

In SAC we all had little signs that said, "Be alert. SAC needs more lerts."


24 posted on 05/21/2004 2:14:06 PM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Tag lines for sale or rent. Quips to rent 50 cents.)
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To: Fiddlstix

Same thing. I've seen it 50 ways at least.


25 posted on 05/21/2004 2:15:05 PM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Tag lines for sale or rent. Quips to rent 50 cents.)
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To: COBOL2Java
After serving 20 years with the U.S Army, I fully agree with what was written about the Air Force!

Giggle, and thanks for the laugh.

26 posted on 05/21/2004 2:16:03 PM PDT by Hunble
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To: Conspiracy Guy

A colleague of mine was in SAC during the waning days of the Cold War.

He has a t-shirt with the SAC shield. Above the shield: "PEACE IS OUR PROFESSION."

Below the shield: "War is just our hobby."


27 posted on 05/21/2004 2:18:37 PM PDT by Poohbah (Four thousand throats may be cut in a single night by a running man -- Kahless the Unforgettable)
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To: CholeraJoe; abc; Conspiracy Guy
Initially, my friend went out for the Navy, but didn't make it. He went back to college for a few years-transferring from upstate to a bigger, C.U.N.Y. campus-and began a thorough workout regimen.

I don't know how accurate his assessment of the Air Force was, but he said he knew guys who had joined and felt that the training was kind of flimsy.

28 posted on 05/21/2004 2:20:02 PM PDT by The Scourge of Yazid (You can never be too offensive for my tastes. That's like saying her breasts were "too" big.)
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To: CholeraJoe

The 5 Scariest Things in the Army!

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in basic training..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. And a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $%!#..."


29 posted on 05/21/2004 2:20:59 PM PDT by I got the rope (Artillery....The King of Battle)
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To: ItsonlikeDonkeyKong

I had the king of all easy boot camps. Navy for older reservists without prior service.

Seventeen days in Great Lakes Training Center. Nothing too demanding. If you could make your beds and march correctly, you were fine. If you were completely incapable of such things like me, you just got yelled at a bit. That was annoying at times, but the key fact is "17 days."


30 posted on 05/21/2004 2:21:23 PM PDT by Our man in washington (Liberals are to culture as suicide bombers are to buses)
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To: Centurion2000
#2: To walk my post in a military manner
and take no s*** from the company commander!

:)

SEMPER FI!

31 posted on 05/21/2004 2:24:33 PM PDT by mfulstone
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To: ItsonlikeDonkeyKong

I served with some rock 'em, sock 'em PJ's (Pararescuemen) who could have held their own with any Ranger. They were the exception. The Air Force is a little more cerebral and a little less physical.


32 posted on 05/21/2004 2:24:47 PM PDT by CholeraJoe (In WWII, not a single plane from the 8th Air Force turned back due to enemy fire.)
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To: Hunble
Take the blue from the sky and a faries eye.....
33 posted on 05/21/2004 2:25:44 PM PDT by Little Bill (Welcome to the Gay State!)
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To: Our man in washington
The Springfield National Guard:

Our nation's seventeenth line of defense; somewhere between The U.S. Surgeon General and The League of Women Voters.

34 posted on 05/21/2004 2:30:16 PM PDT by The Scourge of Yazid (You can never be too offensive for my tastes. That's like saying her breasts were "too" big.)
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To: Hunble
After serving 20 years with the U.S Army, I fully agree with what was written about the Air Force!

If you need a bomb dropped down an air shaft or some pinpoint supporting fire, call us. We'll be at the O'club drinking beer. Somebody's bound to be sober enough to fly.

35 posted on 05/21/2004 2:31:54 PM PDT by CholeraJoe (In WWII, not a single plane from the 8th Air Force turned back due to enemy fire.)
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To: Poohbah

Yep... We had those in the peak of the Cold War too. I was in from 72-76.


36 posted on 05/21/2004 2:39:48 PM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Tag lines for sale or rent. Quips to rent 50 cents.)
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To: COBOL2Java

The Navy one looks reasonably accurate, except for the part about knowing how to swim.


37 posted on 05/21/2004 2:43:21 PM PDT by wingnutx (Are you a monthly donor? Why not? (the freeper formerly known as Britton J Wingnutx))
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To: ItsonlikeDonkeyKong

Not knowing what you want I can't advise you. There are physical requirements and standards. If you want to build your body join a gym because the Air Force isn't gonna do it. If you are overwieght they won't take you. The tests they give to place you weeds out about half the applicants. If you get into the Security Police or ParaRescue the Air Force has intense physical training.

Flimsy is a relative word but nothing is flimsy about the USAF. I'm 50 and I'll be glad to discuss flimsy with your friend who couldn't meet the physical requirements to enter the NAVY.


38 posted on 05/21/2004 2:46:07 PM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Tag lines for sale or rent. Quips to rent 50 cents.)
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To: Conspiracy Guy
I did a retirement physical once on a 38 year old Chief Master Sergeant (E-9) who was a PJ. The guy was built like a coiled steel spring. I asked him, "Aren't you pretty young to be a Chief?" He said, "I made Chief 5 years ago."

E-9 at 33. I knew 33 year olds who had just made Staff Sergeant. (E-5) The guy had a chest full of Air Medals and Silver Stars.

39 posted on 05/21/2004 3:05:32 PM PDT by CholeraJoe (In WWII, not a single plane from the 8th Air Force turned back due to enemy fire.)
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To: CholeraJoe
"Their boot camp is pretty weak."

Even the golf course sucks.

40 posted on 05/21/2004 3:09:49 PM PDT by oyez (I know I'm rambling but...Everyone is entitled to my opinion.)
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To: CholeraJoe
"Their boot camp is pretty weak."

Even the golf course sucks.

41 posted on 05/21/2004 3:09:50 PM PDT by oyez (I know I'm rambling but...Everyone is entitled to my opinion.)
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To: Conspiracy Guy
I think he was actually talking about the training component, which he told me was relatively easy in terms of length, but difficult in other respects.

I'm not sure if it was the physical, but he couldn't join the Navy when he tried to enlist a few years ago; I'm not sure of the specific reason given for his rejection.

I'd be worried more about some of the health requirements.

I don't exactly have a compromised immune system, but I'm not sure that I'd be able to withstand an Anthrax or Smallpox vaccination.

42 posted on 05/21/2004 3:10:41 PM PDT by The Scourge of Yazid (You can never be too offensive for my tastes. That's like saying her breasts were "too" big.)
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To: CholeraJoe

That is what I entered the USAF to be but they forgot to tell me that they weren't accepting married candidates in 72.

I was mad at first but I got over it.


43 posted on 05/21/2004 3:13:59 PM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Tag lines for sale or rent. Quips to rent 50 cents.)
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To: ItsonlikeDonkeyKong

Basic training is only 6 weeks long. Advanced training is anywhere for 0 to 1 year or so. Go see a recruiter. I mean it. Got to run. Later.


44 posted on 05/21/2004 3:15:50 PM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Tag lines for sale or rent. Quips to rent 50 cents.)
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To: Conspiracy Guy

They were a tough bunch. Their idea of fun was to go about 20 miles offshore at night and make a HALO jump into the Gulf of Mexico and swim back to base.


45 posted on 05/21/2004 3:17:35 PM PDT by CholeraJoe (In WWII, not a single plane from the 8th Air Force turned back due to enemy fire.)
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To: Conspiracy Guy
Thanks for the advice.
46 posted on 05/21/2004 3:17:41 PM PDT by The Scourge of Yazid (You can never be too offensive for my tastes. That's like saying her breasts were "too" big.)
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To: Fiddlstix
As long as we're telling old service jokes:

Generals are exalted creatures.
They dine on mead and honey.
Wherever he goes, a General is surrounded by a crowd of admiring, yapping staff officers.

BUT, on his back he carries a logistics officer, whom he hates and fears, for he knows that at any time the logistics officer can lean forward and whisper in his ear:
"You can't do that."

Occasionally a logistics officer is made a General.
He carries on his back a logistics officer whom he knows all too well.
That is why he can't enjoy his mead and honey.

This is not a common service joke, but I read it on a plaque in a General's office. A General who was also a logistics officer.

47 posted on 05/21/2004 3:22:21 PM PDT by LibKill (There's nobody more peaceful and less troubling than a dead trouble-maker.)
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To: LibKill
We need to find some good jokes to post about the IDF or the British rangers.

This one's just off the top of my head:

What do you call a great Israeli general who's an awful politician?

Prime Minister!

Okay, that one wasn't the greatest, but I'm sure I'll think of some better ones.

48 posted on 05/21/2004 3:46:00 PM PDT by The Scourge of Yazid (You can never be too offensive for my tastes. That's like saying her breasts were "too" big.)
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To: COBOL2Java
I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

Reminds me of the time I was on Recruiting Duty,back around '76 or '77. The Uniform of the day was Winter "Blacks".

It was a cold winter day when I stopped in at my favorite lunch spot for a meatball samwich....they also served various spirits there BTW.

As I was trying to eat my meatball samwich without dripping too much tomato sauce on my "Blacks", the drunk next to me said,"Father,will you hear my confession?".

What else could I do....his sins didn't seem that bad, so I absolved him in order to finish my samwich.

In those days we wore "Salt and Peppers" in the summer when I was usually mistaken for a Parking Meter cop.

Now when I pulled into Wilhemshaven,Germany on board Nimitz and we wore the "Blacks",...Boy did we get some respect!

49 posted on 05/21/2004 3:59:30 PM PDT by oldsalt
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To: codyjacksmom

almost true Air Force oath..


50 posted on 05/21/2004 4:03:45 PM PDT by dakine (mng, pita)
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