Queering the pitch for a single girl (too many gay guy friends means no lasting man for dingbat)

The Telegraph, London via SMH ^ | May 26, 2004 | Clare Coulson

[dead]

Clare Coulson thinks she has too many gay friends. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that they are blocking her path to romance.

There are women who have gay friends and there are those that don't. I have more gay friends than I know what to do with.

It all began when I worked on a glossy magazine where heterosexual men were as rare as split ends. The office was full of flamboyant, witty, entertaining gay men who quickly became close friends and allies. But six years on, for a girl working in the fashion industry, they are an occupational hazard.

While I love all my gay friends dearly, they are beginning to seriously threaten my chances of ever meeting a potential boyfriend. I am 31, I have been single for as long as I can remember and, if certain statistics are to be believed, my chances of meeting anyone to marry are getting slimmer.

It's no one's fault but my own, of course. I make absolutely no effort to meet potential boyfriends. Given the choice between a girls' night out, hitting bars and clubs, or a camp night out with my coterie of male friends, I take the latter every time.

Gay men are incredibly easy to be around. No one makes me laugh as much as they do - they will shamelessly discuss anything, cut to the chase on the most difficult subjects and are always, always totally honest.

The problem is that, on so many levels, my gay friends are too safe. Friendships with gay men never have tricky moments; gay friends won't care if you fancy them or not and, even if you do, there's nothing you can do about it. You don't have to worry about when to call them, because they will be thrilled to hear from you, any time, day or night.

Gay friends have all the best attributes of female friends: they are great fun, can talk endlessly about dating and will listen (properly) to whatever problem is up for discussion. There's no trace of the competitiveness that, although subtly played out, is usually rife in female friendships.

Gay friends can be like surrogate boyfriends. Earlier this year, I was invited to a fantastic restaurant with a group of people who were mostly strangers. I sat next to Ian, a charismatic, witty guy who flirted shamelessly with me for about two hours. He told me how fabulous he thought I was and gave me his number at the end of the evening.

It took a while to know for sure but, of course, he was gay. He called me first thing the next morning and then continued to call, text and email for days. I felt as though I had a fabulous new boyfriend. It was fun while it lasted, but it was no substitute for the real thing.

Being adored is an intoxicating thing. Gay men will hug and kiss you and make you feel as though they could, if only things were different, be your boyfriend - and however ridiculous this is, it's briefly reassuring for someone who is forever single. It's a welcome form of escapism. It's not that I even mind being single, but I cling to the idealistic and incurably romantic idea that, one day, I will just stumble into my soul mate. But if all this is not in the hands of the gods I am not helping the odds at all.

And when an interesting straight man does come along, it is difficult to shake off the way you behave around gay men. I am so used to being playfully blunt, sarcastic and slightly over the top that straight men usually get scared off pretty quickly. Camp is definitely contagious. But I wouldn't want a boyfriend who was simply a straight version of my friends; I can think of nothing worse than dating a metrosexual man who spends Saturdays cruising Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent and knows more about manicures than I do. Heaven forbid.

The most depressing thing - and I assure you I don't spend much time being unhappy about any of this - is that it's all just a bit of a waste.

So what's the solution? I've concluded that I need to give up my gay friends - or at least spend a lot less time with them. I have countless friends who have spent their 20s and 30s devoted to gay men, only to emerge on the wrong side of 40, alone and none too happy about it. I have told my friends that they have to go.

Of course, they are terribly understanding about it; they just want me to be happy.

And that's exactly why I know, deep down, that I'll never really be able to give them up.

[dead]

In America, the term is fag hag.

[South Hawthorne]

Tragic is the life of a fag hag.  Oh, sure, you're going to all the best clubs restaurants and galleries, but then there's all those funerals and discussions of AZT.  Guess it really doesn't even out in the end, eh, Babe?

Owl_Eagle

" WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
DIVERSITY IS STRENGTH"

[Rummyfan]

Gay men are incredibly easy to be around. No one makes me laugh as much as they do - they will shamelessly discuss anything, cut to the chase on the most difficult subjects and are always, always totally honest.

Those gay men, they are so great! What to say to this irrational confession? Fag hag indeed.

[Semper Paratus]

She's just looking for a sperm donor.

[Khurkris]

I have no idea why I just spent 4 minutes reading this.

And yes "fag hag" is the term that comes to mind.

[fishtank]

Whoa. This story should be required reading. A woman I know failed to make this decision 15 years ago when she was about 34 years old.

She's still unmarried, though she really would like to do so (to a guy).

[Billthedrill]

Well, I dunno - I had a girlfriend one time who had a bunch of gay friends and it didn't interfere with the relationship at all. Well, until she introduced me to Bruce, that is...

[fishtank]

If a woman smokes cigarettes in England, is she a fag hag?

[Johnny Gage]

wah wah wah...

"Get Over It" - By the Eagles

I turn on the tube and what do I see
A whole lotta people cryin' "Don't blame me"
They point their crooked little fingers ar everybody else
Spend all their time feelin' sorry for themselves
Victim of this, victim of that
Your momma's too thin; your daddy's too fat

Get over it
Get over it
All this whinin' and cryin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

You say you haven't been the same since you had your little crash
But you might feel better if I gave you some cash
The more I think about it, Old Billy was right
Let's kill all the lawyers, kill 'em tonight
You don't want to work, you want to live like a king
But the big, bad world doesn't owe you a thing

Get over it
Get over it
If you don't want to play, then you might as well split
Get over it, Get over it

It's like going to confession every time I hear you speak
You're makin' the most of your losin' streak
Some call it sick, but I call it weak

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin' everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I'd like to find your inner child and kick its little ass

Get over it
Get over it
All this bitchin' and moanin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

Get over it
Get over it
It's gotta stop sometime, so why don't you quit
Get over it, get over it

[1Old Pro]

It's no one's fault but my own, of course. I make absolutely no effort to meet potential boyfriends

My advice, lose the gay friends on nights out, go out with the girls, hang out where nice guys are: Golf courses/country clubs, ski lodges, camping etc.

[EggsAckley]

I am 31, I have been single for as long as I can remember

THERE'S her basic problem. Single at 31? Obsessed with having a relationship. Not a very enlightened modern female.

[Tax-chick]

I have countless friends who have spent their 20s and 30s devoted to gay men, only to emerge on the wrong side of 40, alone and none too happy about it.

What planet is this woman from?

[r9etb]

She's just looking for a sperm donor.

I don't think so.

Rather, I think she's discovering that there's more to life than "fun nights out with safe friends." There's no "becoming one flesh" with these guys -- it's fun, but ultimately barren.

[normy]

I am so used to being playfully blunt, sarcastic and slightly over the top that straight men usually get scared off pretty quickly.

Its funny how she thinks guys are "scared off" when actually they are sickened to the bone. If men want a girl like the one who married dear old dad its a good bet most peoples moms weren't fag hags who felt free to talk like a pervert. Men may settle for a loud rude perverted woman but they would rather not.

[Gorjus]

She's just looking for a sperm donor.

Interesting, isn't it, that she talks a lot about what she wants, but little about what she has to offer (and what she does mention are negatives like being sarcastic and 'over the top'). I think you're right. She's not looking for a soulmate, or she'd be trying to make herself into someone attractive to such a soulmate. Instead, she just wants someone to 'fill' a void in her life.

As the saying goes: "I looked all over for the perfect man, and when I found him, he moved on - since he was looking for the perfect woman."

[Tax-chick]

Not to mention that she's hedging on whether she might have been married before the electroshock therapy ... "single for as long as I can remember" ? This reminds me of the heroine in "Sweet Home Alabama," who "forgot" she was married to the first guy until she was engaged to the second guy.

[hopespringseternal]

It's all about maturity. She hides amongst the gays because she is afraid of the responsibility and risk of a real relationship.

Any guy that happens on a fag hag should run away. If she thinks gays are great to hang out with she does not want nor could she handle a real man. She still wants to deal with boys on a grade school level.

[Alberta's Child]

I've often thought about this myself from a male perspective, and someone sent me a quote from a recent "sports mailbag" column that this woman might want to remember . . .

"The girl of your dreams would never take you away from hockey. She would feed you one-timers on Lake Ontario 'til her arms fell off."

[corkoman]

[fml]

to emerge on the wrong side of 40,

Hey!!!

[ClearCase_guy]

If she thinks gays are great to hang out with she does not want nor could she handle a real man. She still wants to deal with boys on a grade school level.

Bingo! I think this woman has Zero chance of a successful relationship with a heterosexual man. He isn't what she's looking for.

[fourdeuce82d]

ACtually dated on of those. Had a gay friend that she was buddies with. Assumed I was "safe."

she was wrong.

[Teplukin]

This reminds me of the heroine in "Sweet Home Alabama," who "forgot" she was married to the first guy until she was engaged to the second guy.

What stanza of the Lynyrd Skynrd song was that? j/k! ;)

[FormerLib]

I have no idea why I just spent 4 minutes reading this.

Because it was sort of funny and sad at the same time and read as if it was written on another planet?

[Tax-chick]

What stanza of the Lynyrd Skynrd song

"In Birmingham, they love the governor ..." ? I've always thought the lyrics of that song were extremely opaque!

[tdadams]

Is there a "to be continued..." there?

[E Rocc]

Bingo! I think this woman has Zero chance of a successful relationship with a heterosexual man. He isn't what she's looking for.

It could be. I met a woman a few years ago that had a lot of gay friends. We clicked early on, but when we got to know each other a little better she didn't seem to care much for some of my more shall we say "non-metrosexual" ways. We both ended up agreeing it wasn't gunna work.

-Eric

[TontoKowalski]

THERE'S her basic problem. Single at 31? Obsessed with having a relationship. Not a very enlightened modern female.

Well, if she's truly ready to leave off her worship of the sodomites and meet Real Men, I suggest she send a resume (with photo) to our Admin Moderator.

We can raffle her off to our single men. Solves her problem and would probably raise a pretty penny as a fundraiser.

[txzman]

"Guess it really doesn't even out in the end, eh, Babe?"

LOL! Guess it depends which side of the friendship you are on....

[txzman]

"Guess it really doesn't even out in the end, eh, Babe?"

LOL! Guess it depends which side of the friendship you are on....

[EggsAckley]

What an enterprising idea!! LOL!

[daviddennis]

If she loves her gay friends so much, why wouldn't she want a Metrosexual kinda guy?

That seems a bit contradictory.

D

[Alouette]

hang out where nice guys are: Golf courses/country clubs, ski lodges, camping etc.

Don't leave out: CHURCH.

[saveliberty]

Precisely.

She's in love with the idea of being in love with a man. Or just with the idea of being married.

Glad that her problem is not my problem. :)

[Taliesan]

Why doesn't this girl just have female friends? This is all so strange.

I can't shake the sense that this picture, which is more and more common in urban centers, is peopled by perpetual adolescents.

[lilmsdangrus]

one word---- DUH.

[sharktrager]

It's no one's fault but my own, of course. I make absolutely no effort to meet potential boyfriends. Given the choice between a girls' night out, hitting bars and clubs, or a camp night out with my coterie of male friends, I take the latter every time.

Neither of these activities is likely to land you the guy of your dreams.

[Lee N. Field]

>I have been single for as long as I can remember

Curious phrase. At 31 I would certainly hope she could remember back to childhood.

[Billthedrill]

Is there a "to be continued..." there?

No, alas, it never really did work out between Bruce and me. Our gerbils didn't get along and the patterns on our china were incompatible. And we never could agree on who would get to wear the wedding dress... ;-)

[Trillian]

I'll give her one tip, free of charge.
STOP hanging out with deviants.

[Taliesan]

The underlying agreement is thus: her gay male "friends" tell her that she is a princess and that no man in his right mind could fail to see her charm and beauty, and, in exchange, she agrees to pretend that they are "one of the girls." In every instance I have ever observed, the "relationship" between gay men and straight women is dishonest and parasitic. The gay men seek acceptance from the larger society (read: straight men) through their alliance with straight women; if they form a partnership with straight women then they can control and influence her romantic decisions ("Oh, girl, dump him, he's hostile"), though usually not to her benefit. Gay men see themselves as sort of a union of harem eunuchs: all potential suitors must pass through their scrutiny, and pay some form of tribute (usually flattery), if they want access to the denizens. In exchange, the gay man is always there for her, he can always be counted on to lie to her and tell her she is right and that her ideas are brilliant and her feelings important and that it is all her boyfriends fault and that he will find her a better one. A woman with an ever present gaggle of gay, male friends is a woman who never really developed; she remains a girl in most aspects.

[george wythe]

I have countless friends who have spent their 20s and 30s devoted to gay men, only to emerge on the wrong side of 40, alone and none too happy about it.

I suspect your loser friends would have ended up single, gay friends or not.

Both my mother and my wife have plenty of gay friends, and both have been happily married all their lives.

The fact that your loser friends are not in a serious relationship with straight men is because you have "issues," to use the vernacular of you losers.

[Lost Highway]

So she's surprised she can't find a heterosexual man hanging around with homosexual men?

[avenir]

LOL!

[Dianna]

The underlying agreement is thus: her gay male "friends" tell her that she is a princess and that no man in his right mind could fail to see her charm and beauty, and, in exchange, she agrees to pretend that they are "one of the girls."

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I don't hang out with gay men, so I can't "agree" with you, but what you wrote sounds very reasonable. I have a cousin who hangs around with a lot of gay men, and you've described her well. Her father died before she was born and neither she nor her sister can deal with REAL men.

You should have heard the reactions I got when I stated that my (11 YO) son got a BB gun for his birthday last year! I said that although I was somewhat uncomfortable with the idea, my husband had decided that the boy was responsible enough to have it. That was the bottom line. Well, all I heard was, "I would never allow....!!!" Of course, after pushing a husband around for years, she was then disgusted by the weak creature she had created and divorced him.

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

She is also under the idea that these "men" will be honest with her about her choice in boyfriends because if he's good, they wont try to to steal him away or sabotage the relationship like female friends would. She's fooling herself.

[retrokitten]

"The girl of your dreams would never take you away from hockey. She would feed you one-timers on Lake Ontario 'til her arms fell off."

LOL!! I'm still laughing about this!

[Docbarleypop]

I know this from experience, my ex was one, she had her boys that she talked to and would call her up at all odd hours, and she couldnt understand when I had a distaste about it all. Especially when some of them werent "out of the closet...yet" That was the longest 9 months of my life!

[bc2]

maybe an X'er ping?