Posted on 06/28/2004 9:07:47 AM PDT by qam1
LENOX -- A dozen women in smart blazers, flowing dresses and short black skirts sit at tables for two in the Lenox 218 restaurant, facing an equal number of men, neatly dressed and freshly shaven.
As they talk, one can overhear probing questions, nervous silences, over-the-top flattery and stories of past loves and old heartbreaks -- all the dialogue of a typical first date.
On this particular Friday night in April, however, these first dates are multiplied by 12, each six minutes long and timed by a silver bell.
Whenever the bell rings, the men rise from their chairs, shake the hand of the woman across from them and move to the next table.
This is speed dating, and it's the ultimate in romantic multi-tasking. If the chemistry isn't there, there isn't a lot of throat scratching and finger tapping to wait out a whole awkward evening. Heavy silences may come, but the longest they can last is six minutes. Then Sonya Bykofsky hits the bell and the "date" is over.
Each speed dater is given a clipboard and told to write a "yes" or a "no" after the name of each person they meet. If two people write "yes" about each other, then Bykofsky gives each the other's phone number so they can arrange another -- presumably longer -- date.
Bykofsky says 25 percent of her organization's speed-daters make a match. So far, almost 300 people have paid the $20 fee and pulled up a chair in the speed-dating arena.
At the April event, she had a waiting list of 30 women. There is always an equal number of men and women at the matches -- Bykofsky sees to that. There is never a waiting list of men to get in.
It's just the nature of the beast, Bykofsky said. The men decide at the last minute whether to attend. The women call well in advance.
Bykofsky has held numbers of speed-dating events around the Berkshires since February. They became so popular that she refuses to announce their location publicly. Too many people crash trying to meet the attendees.
Linda Lis, an attractive blond widow sitting in a corner of the mirrored dining room, said she had "done the computer dating thing" but didn't like it.
"You e-mail people and get this great response, and you have this image in your head. And then they are not physically attractive to you," she said.
Speed dating is more appealing than a blind date, she said, because "you don't get all dressed up and then get disappointed. And you are not stuck with someone. If you don't like them, you can leave."
Had questions prepared
Thea Baker -- a thoughtful redhead divorcee, had a list of prepared questions to ask the men she met that night.
"Otherwise you are just winging it," she said. "You find out where they went to college and that they have one child and that they like to hike and that's it."
Her list reads: Job? Hobbies? Bike/hike? Education? Pets? Favorite author? Favorite vacation spot? Favorite movie?
"I'd be happy with someone who would say 'comedy,'" she said. "If someone was really into war movies, I'd be, like, 'good-bye!'"
Baker seemed unfazed by the conversations swirling around her. And she was not the type one would picture at such an event. But then, few of them were. Most were attractive professionals --people one would expect could easily find dates without the help of a timer and a cook's bell.
"Most of the people who come to speed dating are just busy professional people," said Bykofsky. "This is a convenient, fast way to meet a lot of people who are in your age range."
Steve Dadak, a 42-year old carpenterfromNorthAdams, agreed.
"I was very impressed with the . . . um, clientele," he said. "They were all very well educated. A totally different crowd than you would find in, say, a bar,"
Dadak said his leisure activities are not ones that lend themselves to meeting single women.
"Whereas here," he said, "you are sitting across from someone that wants to date. You aren't sitting across a bar from them, wondering, 'Is that person single? How many kids do they have? Are they compatible with me?' Here are 15 bachelorettes interested in dating.
"I saw exactly what I was looking for that night," he said later. "Unfortunately, they didn't see what they were looking for in me."
Hard to meet people
Others said Berkshire County is a difficult place to meet single people. There are lots of families, few places to go at night and people tend to isolate themselves.
According to the 2000 U.S. Census, of the 30,000 to 40,000 single people in the county, the ratio of women to men is about 60 to 40 -- more equally distributed than one would expect considering the dearth of reported dates.
But somehow those figure don't equate to a man for every woman, or a woman for every man.
"I hear it all the time," Bykof-sky said. "Women think there are no men, men think there are no women. But it's really a closer division than people think."
Bykofsky's Singles of the Berk-shires group has swelled to 700 active participants since she started it two years ago. She offers a calendar of events for singles, most of which aren't focused on dating. Many are just a chance for people to meet.
Bykofsky isn't surprised at how popular the group has become.
"Singles are often a neglected or ignored segment of the population," she said.
Few of the singles interviewed said they were embarrassed to be part of a date-seeking group. More seemed empowered by taking control of their love lives, rather than leaving it up to destiny's whims.
But many first-time speed-daters admitted they were nervous about signing up.
Elizabeth Mangiaracina, who has never been married, said it took her two months to pick up the phone and call Bykofsky. She recently moved to the area from New York state and wanted to find someone to explore the area with.
"I said to myself, it's time in my life to try a little harder."
She only recently bought a computer. The first thing she did was sign up for Match.com. But it left her cold.
"It's nice to see someone face to face and look in their eyes," she said.
Found three possibilities
And after gazing into the eyes of a half a dozen or so men that night, she found three appealing enough to want to see again.
"I think it's quite fun," she said, smiling a "who would have thought?" smile.
Bonnie Gardner said she is divorcee who doesn't go to bars much and doesn't go out on dates often.
"I thought about it for a few months, but I couldn't figure out what I would say to [Bykovsky] when I called. I thought she would want my whole life story or something."
She picked up a Singles of the Berkshires newsletter at the gym one day, and said she and her girlfriends were "half funning" with the idea of calling for a speed-date session.
"But I finally said, 'Why not?' Even if I just make a friend, it's still all new people."
The verdict?
"I am enjoying myself," she said. "I don't know what I was thinking, that someone would knock on my door and say 'Hi, Bonnie, I'm here!' "
The success of speed-dating galvanized Bykofsky to create a more elaborate spin-off: a rotating dinner with dancing afterwards. Cost: $30. There was one in May and again last night at the Crowne Plaza in Pittsfield. Between courses, people switch tables.
Call it speed mingling.
"It's speed dating on a larger and slower scale," Bykofsky said. "It was a way for everyone in the room to sit down and talk to everyone else in the room."
Started two years ago
Bykofsky, 39, and a massage therapist by profession, said she started Berkshire Singles as a nonprofit organization two years ago.
"I was single; I was bored," she said and, like many other singles, found few opportunities to meet others like herself in the Berk-shires.
"Most people over 30 don't want the bar scene," she said.
Ping list for the discussion of the politics and social aspects that directly effects Gen-Reagan/Generation-X (Those born from 1965-1981) including all the spending previous generations (i.e. The Baby Boomers) are doing that Gen-X and Y will end up paying for.
Freep mail me to be added or dropped. See my home page for details and previous articles.
Boy, I'll bet that looks pretty stupid!
My thoughts as well. They should pick one look and stick to it. Wearing a dress AND a short skirt is just silly.
The dinner party concept sounds interesting. Not too many years ago, people understood how to behave at social gatherings, and would naturally circulate. It was considered to be bad form to spend too long with any one person or group, no matter how interesting. Nowadays you go to a party and people hang out together from beginning to end, and it is impossible to circulate freely, because you are always barging in on somebody else's conversation. It looks like these parties are just an attempt to enforce rules of behaviour that used to be common sense.
Sounds better than the singles' bar, but I never, EVER want to return to ANY dating scene.
This woman is a narrow-minded maroon doomed to loneliness.
Att'n Single Women: Be Smart -- Dump your Sterotypes and Think Again
My husband, and come to think of it most of my favorite guys, are INTO war movies, which I never was. They have broadened my horizons -- now, many of my favorite movies are ones I never expected I'd come to love and cherish -- The Cruel Sea, Zulu, Das Boot, Bridge on the River Kwai, Von Ryan's Express, Twelve O'Clock High, any of the Horatio Horblower series, Master and Commander, the Blue Max ... that's just scratching the surface -- there are so many! I love Jane Austen movies and romantic comedies ... but I would NEVER, EVER, be stupid enough to want to marry a man who preferred Jane Austen and romantic comedy over films about warriors.
"I'd be happy with someone who would say 'comedy,'" she said. "If someone was really into war movies, I'd be, like, 'good-bye!'"
Like, no kidding? I'm like, so shocked, that like, you are still single.
Her requirements for a date are so shallow that if you enjoy war movies you are history. Sounds like most of neighbors.
ding a ling...round 2! :-)
Would you prefer a crusty pant-suit?
I thought the same thing. Doesn't anyone dress to flatter their figure anymore?
Over or under the dress?
1) Who did you vote for last election?
2) Who will you vote for this election?
3) Do you believe in a power greater than yourself?
4) Do you have a good relationship with your family?
5) Do you have any children?
6)Describe your relationship with them
7) Would you mind if the woman you're dating spends at leat two hours a day on a Conservative website and probably will always know more than you?
That about wraps it up for me.
"Wearing a dress AND a short skirt is just silly."
maybe that is why I can't get a woman.
Neither...pant-suits remind me of LARGE ankles for some reason...IIRC, their scientific name is "cankles."
When my husband and I met, we were on complete opposite ends of the spectrum.. he was an ultra conservative Christian and I was an ultra left wing atheist...He made me think and research for myself both of our viewpoints.. and I discovered some wonderful things... God IS real, He does love me, and there's nothing like a carefully researched right wing conversion :)
Who do you think is going to be paying for your free prescription drugs when you retire? Not to mention who is going to pay off the current 7 trillion / projected 45 trillion dollar deficit?
Well, first of all, I'm not in favor of free prescription drugs.
Secondly, you are confusing terms: there is a difference between the (federal budget) deficit and the (total) debt.
Much of the deficit is a function of the War on Terror and the War in Iraq.
A lot of the accumulated federal debt is a function of winning the Cold War which you have benefited from.
she started Berkshire Singles as a nonprofit organization two years ago.
Everything is a nonprofit organization these days........just caught my attention.
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