John Kerry's Job Application John Kerry's Job Application for PRESIDENT OF THE USA

an email that I fixed up | July 21, 2004 | HRW

[HighWheeler]

I received an e-mail with a very thin application that I helped.

[HighWheeler]

John Kerry's JOB APPLICATION FOR PRESIDENT OF THE USA

NAME: John F. Kerry

RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including Washington, DC, worth multimillion$.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: Law Enforcement. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA, and defense bill in my career as a US Senator. I ordered Boston to move a fire hydrant that I considered unsightly, in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. But I am still safe, thanks for your concern.

MILITARY: I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (documented by the attending doctor if you need proof). I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book “Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier” shows how I truly feel about the military. I deplore the military and will gut it like a Northern Cod, and then make the United Nations responsible for saving the U.S.A. from any more terrorist actions like all the ones we experienced though the ‘90’s under Clinton. It’s much easier for Americans to blame the U.N. than the Commander in Chief when things happen to go horribly wrong, which is very likely.

COLLEGE: I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education; I did not get admitted to Harvard or graduate with an M.B.A. like him. Besides, Harvard might not really have the top MBA degree in the world like everyone says it does.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except that of a gigolo, where I am a World-Class expert, by marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa. Although George Bush has been elected twice as a Texas governor, the second time with 68% of the vote, it’s not a big deal. Running an entire state, with the budget decisions, meetings with resident corporations, approving bills, funding allocation decisions, employment responsibilities, departmental decisions, prison systems, judicial decisions, etc., etc., etc., is not as hard as showing up every now and then in Congress and voting on stuff.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS: As a US Senator I successfully set the! record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, fully intending to gut our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. I know how to spend it more wisely than the little people who earned it.

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up, yet I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million.

I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of Country.

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard, since they would spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

None.

PERSONAL

I fly around to all my mansions in my GulfStream V Jet I call The Flying Squirrel. This little $20 million plane can land at most regional airports and fill up on fuel every 3-4 hours on my way to my next vacation spot, making my travel easy and luxurious, as everyone knows.

I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scaramouche." I used Bush’s $600 tax rebate a few summers ago to fill up this yacht, but the 400 gallons it bought only lasted through one afternoon of cruising around, proving that it was not that big of a tax cut. Therefore, no one should get this tax cut, and I’ll repeal it.

I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects America’s real culture. I’m also very fascinated by snowboards and how you can actually make turns in the snow with them.

I own several large SUVs including a few parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though as an avid environmentalist I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for all our energy problems going back several decades.

I take rides on a $7000 Serotta bike like everyone does. This proves I am a REAL environmentalist concerned about pollution, our dwindling oil reserves, and our increasing dependence on foreign oil.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

[Smartaleck]

Nice job High. .......perhaps something more about Whoopie and company representing the true values of all Americans. She's a real hoot you know?

[HighWheeler]

Please bump your list, thanks.

[ArmyBratproud]

Good one.

BTW, I thought Kerry had gone to law school.
Could be wrong...but I thought I had heard he had worked in a DA's office...

Either way....your right....he had no "higher" degree!

[HighWheeler]

would you please bump your list, Mia? thanks.

[HighWheeler]

You're right, he got a law degree in 1976. Well, it was from Boston college, the place where people who couldn't cut Harvard walked to.

[cd jones]

excellent....

how about

"position seeking: leader of the peoples republic of the united states (in conjunction with france and the u.n.)"

[reformedliberal]

He has a law degree and worked as a prosecutor for a couple of years. BTW, that is a public job on government funds.

He tried to start a cookie biz and there was some dispute, maybe that he stole someone else's business plan. It failed. I think this was Chicago in the 70s, but I am not certain, Check it out on google. I vaguely recall that this was a counterculture fad back then. I know another Lefty who tried to get in on this in Chicago at that time. He failed, too.

Theresa doesn't own Heinz; she just has money earned by the Heinz family over several generations and some preferred stock and a seat on the board. Heinz overseas companies aren't outsourcing, except where Mexican-produced condiments/pickles come into the US. Food is more efficiently produced where it is sold. He owns nothing much except what can be included in the marital share:1/2 of whatever she bought after their marriage. He has a $750k motor boat the Scaramouch (burns lots of diesel). He only sails on boats of 135ft or larger (needs a crew).

He earns more than W, pays less in taxes and only in the past couple years has he given the barest 10% to charity...but check those figures out.

Keep working on this, though. It is a good idea and we can mail it around. But check it out better so none of it can be refuted.

[ambrose]

as others have mentioned, Kerry went to law school.

[HighWheeler]

Yeah that's getting fixed. With FReeper help, we may have a decent e-mail to send to our favorite libs.

[Bob]

IIRC, he was also Lt. Governor under Dukakis.

[AgThorn]

This is great ... I note some changes advised from the few posters that have responded but I am wondering why this hasn't gotten even more play? (I actually was linked to this by wintersoldier.com so they obviously think highly of this posting as well.)

Anyway, would like to know if you have 'refined' it at all, am very curious as to Kerry's law school 'degree', record, if he actually passed the bar and practiced, etc.

Keep it going .. and if there is a revised version somewhere, let me know! good piece!!