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Kerry Joke (humor vanity)
email | 9/4/04 | unk

Posted on 09/04/2004 7:49:20 PM PDT by umgud

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent "Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"

The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the middle."


TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: jokes; kerry

1 posted on 09/04/2004 7:49:20 PM PDT by umgud
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To: umgud

Please,
No photoshop on this joke.. for god's sake, don't photoshop this into reality..


2 posted on 09/04/2004 7:53:03 PM PDT by mnehring (YP4W)
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To: mnehrling
An Oldie But Goodie:

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He lowered his altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. He shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man in the boat consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation at 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

The ballonist rolled his eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man in the boat smiled and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

3 posted on 09/04/2004 7:55:27 PM PDT by SolitaryMan
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To: umgud
MARCH, 2005
A Marine, in tattered fatigues, goes up to the White House gate, and asks to see President Kerry.
The guard replies "Sir, Kerry is not the president, and does not live here."
The Marine moves on.

Next day, the same Marine goes up to the White House gate, and asks to see President Kerry.
The same guard replies "Sir, as I told you yesterday, Kerry is not the president, and does not live here."
The Marine moves on.

Next day, the same Marine goes up to the White House gate, and asks to see President Kerry.
The same guard replies "Sir, as I told you yesterday, Kerry is not the president, and does not live here. Why do you keep asking?"

The Marine replies: "I just like hearing the sound of it".

4 posted on 09/04/2004 7:55:55 PM PDT by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: umgud

What a sad crack...


5 posted on 09/04/2004 7:57:55 PM PDT by kcar (www.TheUNsucks.com)
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To: Izzy Dunne


John Kerry A Saint

Kerry was going to visit the Catholic National Cathedral outside Washington as part of his campaign. Kerry's campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say John Kerry is a saint."

The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and agrees to do it. Kerry shows up, and as the Mass progresses the Cardinal begins his homily. "John Kerry is petty, a self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. He is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy, John Kerry is a saint."


6 posted on 09/04/2004 8:01:05 PM PDT by AZamericonnie (I will defend to your death my right to my opinion!)
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To: umgud
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. It could not only dispense drinks flawlessly, but also -- like any good bartender - engage in appropriate conversation.

So a man enters the bar, orders a drink, the robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "150." And the robot proceeds to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." But he decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "100." And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, baseball, cheerleaders, and so on.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "50."

And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Kerry?"

7 posted on 09/04/2004 8:05:21 PM PDT by SolitaryMan
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To: SolitaryMan; jla

That's a brilliant joke!

J. check Post No. 3 out! :-)


8 posted on 09/04/2004 8:07:22 PM PDT by Happygal (liberalism - a narrow tribal outlook largely founded on class prejudice)
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To: SolitaryMan
Thanks. I love this joke but haven't heard it for awhile and forgot it.


Stay Strong,
Fuzzy122

9 posted on 09/04/2004 8:11:41 PM PDT by fuzzy122 (GBGB [God Bless George Bush] ... Arnold and Zell too!)
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To: umgud
"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno

"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman

"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman

"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn

"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart

"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman

"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn

"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn

"Kerry's said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn't even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry said that a lot of world leaders want him to be the president and the Bush administration said, 'Yeah, well, like who?' and John Kerry said, 'Well, I can't say really.' So, now they're really hammering John Kerry and listen to this, the only name he could come up with? Queen Latifah." –David Letterman

"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." –Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Can you see the two of them standing together? It'd look like Abe Lincoln with Ruben from American Idol." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly." –David Letterman

"John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her — at her bank." –Jay Leno

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." –Jay Leno

"Please, John Kerry, stop rolling up your sleeves like you're about to man a register at Costco. You're a Boston Brahmin who married not one, but two eccentric heiresses. You're not Joe Sixpack; you're Claus Von Bulow." –Bill Maher

"In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?" –Jay Leno

"Remember last week when John Kerry wanted to be the second black president since Clinton was considered the first black president. A civil rights leader has come forward and asked him to apologize. He says Kerry is a white man born to privilege and says he has no idea what the black experience is like. Today Kerry said, 'Yo chill out brother, why you dissin' me like that?'" –Jay Leno

John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry was in Florida this week, reaching out and talking with elderly voters. You know, I think it made Kerry a little uncomfortable to be with these elderly people. He finally got a chance to see what he'd look like without Botox." –Jay Leno

"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." –Jay Leno

10 posted on 09/04/2004 8:13:12 PM PDT by SolitaryMan
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To: beekeeper

bump


11 posted on 09/04/2004 8:18:33 PM PDT by KeyWest (Kerry's new slogan - Democrats for Hairy Kerry)
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To: WKB

A thread for you.


12 posted on 09/04/2004 8:19:32 PM PDT by onyx (JohnKerry deserves to be the last casualty of the Vietnam War.)
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To: mnehrling

13 posted on 09/04/2004 8:21:23 PM PDT by gorebegone
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To: umgud

Bill Clinton trips and falls over a bridge railing while jogging one morning. Before the Secret Service guys can get to him, three kids who are fishing pull him out of the water below. He’s so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want.

The first kid shouts, “I want to go to Disneyland with my friends!” and Bill replies, “No problem. I’ll take you on Air Force One.”

The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans,” to which Bill says, “I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!”

Clinton, looking perplexed, utters: “But, son, you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”

The kid answers, “I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning.”


14 posted on 09/04/2004 8:22:42 PM PDT by smonk
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To: All

hillarious responses........laughing my a$$ off


15 posted on 09/04/2004 8:25:30 PM PDT by umgud (speaking strictly as an infidel,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,)
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To: ImaTexan

ping


16 posted on 09/04/2004 8:35:51 PM PDT by bjcintennessee (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff)
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To: umgud

Bump for future reference.....


17 posted on 09/04/2004 8:37:23 PM PDT by Intolerant in NJ
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To: smonk
Your joke reminded me of another one. It's an old one:

If Bill Clinton was drowning in a lake and you had the choice between jumping in and saving him or taking a Pulitzer prize winning photo......

...which lens would you use?

18 posted on 09/04/2004 8:40:49 PM PDT by CaraM
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To: smonk

President Clinton was walking his dog on the White House lawm and passed by a Marine guard.

"Sir, I noticed that you got a new dog."

"Yes", Clinton says. "I got this dog for Hillary".

"Good trade, sir".


19 posted on 09/04/2004 8:52:59 PM PDT by JusPasenThru (What a bunch of effin girlie-men.)
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To: JusPasenThru

I heard that one. but it's good, though.


20 posted on 09/04/2004 8:57:30 PM PDT by smonk
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To: umgud

Bill Clinton was jogging down Pennsylvania one morning when he encountered a “Working Girl” standing on the corner where he had stopped for a light.

He smiled at her and asks”How much?”

“One hundred dollars” was her reply.

Bill says ”I’ll give you five.”

She tells him to get lost, and he jogs on at the change of the light.

Several mornings later, the encounter repeats itself with the same offer of a hundred dollars extended and the offer of five dollars rejected.

It was a week or so later, when Bill was jogging the same route, this time with Hillary at his side that he came upon the same “Working Girl” at the usual corner. Pretending not to notice her, he patiently waited for the light to change before he and Hillary jogged away.

Just as Bill had sighed a breath of relief for not having been put in an awkward position by the hooker, he heard her cry from over his shoulder, “See what you get for five dollars?”


21 posted on 09/04/2004 9:07:49 PM PDT by notforhire (It riles them to believe that we perceive the web they weave.)
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To: CaraM

>>If Bill Clinton was drowning in a lake and you had the choice between jumping in and saving him or taking a Pulitzer prize winning photo...... <<

Was Ted Kennedy driving near by?


22 posted on 09/04/2004 9:10:56 PM PDT by WakeUpAndVote (Motor voter reg? How about hunting license voter reg?)
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To: umgud

Those famous sportsmen, John Kerry and John Edwards, were out in the woods one day hunting for big game. Suddenly, Kerry shouts, "Look! I found some tracks!" Edwards runs over to check them out and, wringing his hands in glee, says, "Wow! Look at those tracks! This is gonna be the biggest bear you ever saw!"
Kerry looks at him in disgust and says, "Bear tracks? These aren't bear tracks - - these are moose tracks."
"Moose tracks? Are you nuts?" Edwards replies, "Those are obviously bear tracks."
As they continue to argue they get hit by a train.


23 posted on 09/04/2004 9:20:09 PM PDT by Lancey Howard
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To: umgud
How about this one?

Survivor--Texas Style Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor, Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I'll vote for John Kerry, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!

Or this one (one of my favorites, changed to fit the times)

Kerry's Campaign Airplane crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the area in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or Kerry's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all had happened. They hurried over to surround the man's John Deere tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath, "did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of Presidential Candidate John Kerry?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed, cutting off his John Deere motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"John Kerry is DEAD?" the agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."


24 posted on 09/04/2004 10:01:59 PM PDT by DeSoto (Veni, vidi, velcro ... I came, I saw, I stuck around !)
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To: umgud

BTTT


25 posted on 09/04/2004 10:05:39 PM PDT by Fiddlstix (This Tagline for sale. (Presented by TagLines R US))
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To: Lancey Howard

Sportsmen John and John were out hunting. John E said to John K, "These tracks will lead us to the biggest trophy you can imagine!"

"What kind of tracks are they?" said John K.

"Ambulance tracks!"


26 posted on 09/04/2004 10:18:34 PM PDT by Chairman Fred (@mousiedung.commie)
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To: .30Carbine

bttt


27 posted on 09/04/2004 10:44:54 PM PDT by TigersEye (Let's hear about your Senate record already, John!)
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To: Conservative4Life

Ping


28 posted on 09/04/2004 10:48:01 PM PDT by Trillian
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To: umgud

bump


29 posted on 09/04/2004 10:55:57 PM PDT by rock58seg (Native New Yorkers forget 9/11/2001. Texans remember the Alamo, 3/13/1836)
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To: Carry_Okie; forester; sasquatch; B4Ranch; SierraWasp; hedgetrimmer; knews_hound; ...

Humor break.


30 posted on 09/04/2004 11:34:30 PM PDT by farmfriend ( In Essentials, Unity...In Non-Essentials, Liberty...In All Things, Charity.)
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To: farmfriend

BTTT!!!!!!


31 posted on 09/05/2004 3:02:51 AM PDT by E.G.C.
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To: onyx

Thanks
I needed a laugh this morning.


32 posted on 09/05/2004 5:30:57 AM PDT by WKB (3! ~ Psa. 12 8 The wicked freely strut about when what is vile is honored among men.")
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To: mnehrling
"No photoshop on this joke.. for god's sake, don't photoshop this into reality.."

.

.

Sorry...couldn't help myself.

33 posted on 09/05/2004 6:24:02 AM PDT by sweetliberty ("A wise man's heart inclines him to the right, but a fool's heart to the left." (Eccl. 10:2))
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To: AZamericonnie

LOL!


34 posted on 09/05/2004 6:25:05 AM PDT by sweetliberty ("A wise man's heart inclines him to the right, but a fool's heart to the left." (Eccl. 10:2))
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To: umgud; NormsRevenge; glock rocks; Pete-R-Bilt; WestCoastGal; ChefKeith; steveegg

What a great way to start the morning off...


35 posted on 09/05/2004 6:46:02 AM PDT by tubebender (If I had known I would live this long I would have taken better care of myself...)
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To: DeSoto

ROFLOL

I hadn't heard that one!


36 posted on 09/05/2004 6:57:44 AM PDT by RikaStrom (Involved vs. Committed- take bacon and eggs, for example, the hen is involved, the pig is committed.)
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To: mnehrling
Don't photoshop this into reality...


Oh man that's a funny thought...


I'm laughing too hard for this early in the morning....somebody get me a napkin, quick!
37 posted on 09/05/2004 7:00:38 AM PDT by dagoofyfoot
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To: WKB

Subject: Think Positive !

How to start each day with a positive outlook:

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "John Kerry."
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "do you really want to get rid of John
Kerry?"
6. Answer calmly, "yes," and press the mouse button firmly.
7. Feel better.....


38 posted on 09/05/2004 7:02:04 AM PDT by sweetiepiezer (We have to stop Kerry for our grandkids sake!!!!!!!! GO W)
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To: umgud; All

Thanks for the laughs.


39 posted on 09/05/2004 7:04:37 AM PDT by kassie ("It's the soldier who allows freedom of speech, not the reporter..")
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To: SolitaryMan
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. It could not only dispense drinks flawlessly, but also -- like any good bartender - engage in appropriate conversation. So a man enters the bar, orders a drink, the robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "150." And the robot proceeds to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." But he decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "100." And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, baseball, cheerleaders, and so on.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "50."

And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Kerry?"

The man leaves and re-enters a third time, the bartender ask his IQ. The man replies, "40".

The bartender says, "Why the long face Senator?".

40 posted on 09/05/2004 7:05:00 AM PDT by TC Rider (The United States Constitution 1791. All Rights Reserved.)
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To: tubebender
Great jokes, LOL.

Needed a laugh this morning!!

Thanks for the ping


41 posted on 09/05/2004 7:49:14 AM PDT by WestCoastGal (Jr..California) "Hey, if I'm clear, don't say anything. Copy? It just scares me, ya know")
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To: umgud; Howlin; Liz; ALOHA RONNIE; RonDog; Mudboy Slim
One afternoon, Kerry was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come to my house and I'll feed you," Kerry said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me," the man replied. "They are over there under that tree."

"Bring them along," Kerry replied. Turning to the other poor man, he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me."

"Bring them all, as well," Kerry answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to Kerry and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Kerry replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

42 posted on 09/05/2004 7:58:18 AM PDT by Libloather (What did Bergler stow - and when did he stow it?)
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To: umgud

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days
off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston
Isle in his Pope mobile when suddenly he notices a
frantic commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to
free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As
the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came
racing up with two men aboard.. One of the men,
President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon
into the shark's side while Dick Cheyney reached
out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John
Kerry from the water. Then using (autographed
Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two
heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into
the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them
to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your
brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there
was some bitter hatred between President Bush
and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own
eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick
"Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct
contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."

"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to
God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about
shark fishing................how's the bait holding up?"


43 posted on 09/05/2004 11:16:37 AM PDT by AZamericonnie (I will defend to your death my right to my opinion!)
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To: AZamericonnie

excellent!!! LOL...bttt


44 posted on 09/05/2004 11:23:18 AM PDT by CaraM
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To: RikaStrom
Glad that you liked it.


BUMP for the afternoon crowd.

45 posted on 09/05/2004 2:29:34 PM PDT by DeSoto (Veni, vidi, velcro ... I came, I saw, I stuck around !)
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To: DeSoto

liar bookmark.


46 posted on 09/05/2004 2:41:13 PM PDT by dread78645 (Sorry Mr. Franklin, We couldn't keep it.)
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To: WKB

You're welcome.
Now there's even more laughs here.


47 posted on 09/05/2004 8:18:35 PM PDT by onyx (JohnKerry deserves to be the last casualty of the Vietnam War.)
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