Stay Strong,
Fuzzy122
Posted on 09/04/2004 7:49:20 PM PDT by umgud
A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent "Go on home to Boston."
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"
The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the middle."
Please,
No photoshop on this joke.. for god's sake, don't photoshop this into reality..
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He lowered his altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. He shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man in the boat consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation at 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
The ballonist rolled his eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man in the boat smiled and said, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
Next day, the same Marine goes up to the White House gate, and asks to see President Kerry.
The same guard replies "Sir, as I told you yesterday, Kerry is not the president, and does not live here."
The Marine moves on.
Next day, the same Marine goes up to the White House gate, and asks to see President Kerry.
The same guard replies "Sir, as I told you yesterday, Kerry is not the president, and does not live here. Why do you keep asking?"
The Marine replies: "I just like hearing the sound of it".
What a sad crack...
John Kerry A Saint
Kerry was going to visit the Catholic National Cathedral outside Washington as part of his campaign. Kerry's campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say John Kerry is a saint."
The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and agrees to do it. Kerry shows up, and as the Mass progresses the Cardinal begins his homily. "John Kerry is petty, a self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. He is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy, John Kerry is a saint."
So a man enters the bar, orders a drink, the robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "150." And the robot proceeds to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." But he decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "100." And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, baseball, cheerleaders, and so on.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "50."
And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Kerry?"
That's a brilliant joke!
J. check Post No. 3 out! :-)
Stay Strong,
Fuzzy122
"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien
"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno
"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman
"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman
"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn
"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart
"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman
"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn
"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn
"Kerry's said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn't even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry said that a lot of world leaders want him to be the president and the Bush administration said, 'Yeah, well, like who?' and John Kerry said, 'Well, I can't say really.' So, now they're really hammering John Kerry and listen to this, the only name he could come up with? Queen Latifah." –David Letterman
"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." –Conan O'Brien
"John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Can you see the two of them standing together? It'd look like Abe Lincoln with Ruben from American Idol." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly." –David Letterman
"John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her — at her bank." –Jay Leno
"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." –Jay Leno
"Please, John Kerry, stop rolling up your sleeves like you're about to man a register at Costco. You're a Boston Brahmin who married not one, but two eccentric heiresses. You're not Joe Sixpack; you're Claus Von Bulow." –Bill Maher
"In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?" –Jay Leno
"Remember last week when John Kerry wanted to be the second black president since Clinton was considered the first black president. A civil rights leader has come forward and asked him to apologize. He says Kerry is a white man born to privilege and says he has no idea what the black experience is like. Today Kerry said, 'Yo chill out brother, why you dissin' me like that?'" –Jay Leno
John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry was in Florida this week, reaching out and talking with elderly voters. You know, I think it made Kerry a little uncomfortable to be with these elderly people. He finally got a chance to see what he'd look like without Botox." –Jay Leno
"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." –Jay Leno
bump
A thread for you.
Bill Clinton trips and falls over a bridge railing while jogging one morning. Before the Secret Service guys can get to him, three kids who are fishing pull him out of the water below. He’s so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want.
The first kid shouts, “I want to go to Disneyland with my friends!” and Bill replies, “No problem. I’ll take you on Air Force One.”
The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans,” to which Bill says, “I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”
The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!”
Clinton, looking perplexed, utters: “But, son, you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”
The kid answers, “I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning.”
hillarious responses........laughing my a$$ off
ping
Bump for future reference.....
If Bill Clinton was drowning in a lake and you had the choice between jumping in and saving him or taking a Pulitzer prize winning photo......
...which lens would you use?
President Clinton was walking his dog on the White House lawm and passed by a Marine guard.
"Sir, I noticed that you got a new dog."
"Yes", Clinton says. "I got this dog for Hillary".
"Good trade, sir".
I heard that one. but it's good, though.
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