Skip to comments.The beer drinker's guide to political evolution
Posted on 10/01/2004 7:33:35 PM PDT by Jeff Gordon
The division of the human family into its two distinct political branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, when humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
The pivotal event of societal evolution was the invention of beer. This epochal event was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so it was necessary to stick close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.
Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
An interesting evolutionary side note: some of these early liberal men eventually evolved into women. (Girlie men?)
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, They eat red meat, and still provide for their women Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, NASCAR drivers, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing
Hence; this brings us to where we are today! Here ends the lesson in world history.
So what am I to think? I sit here drinking my (imported!) Newcastle Brown Ale (fruit is for salad, not beer), petting the cat lying next to me. Throw in some sushi (which I LOVE) and I guess I'm a bleeding heart... ;-)
OTOH, I like my beef barely dead, can't stand tofu, find French food wanting, and think the DH rule is an abomination. So I guess I'm okay for now...
Newcastle is from England (and it's damn good, too) so you're OK for now as long as Tony Blair is still with us for the long haul.
This is true...but I also import beer from Plzen and the Czech Rep. Anyone with a sense of taste will find it necessary to make their own beer in the US because the processed beer is disgusting. The irony is that yuppies and liberals drink Boysenberry beer with a twist...or whatever in the states...and it is good quality such as Belgian beer but it is all over-rated.
The true product for Bavarians is the Hefe-weisen and they are conservatives as are the Czechs who consume the most beer per capita.
Maybe the problem with conservatives in the states is that they consume too much Pabst BR or whatever swill they make in St. Louis and it distracts them from the true artistic qualities of getting hammered on a regular basis.
I think that if some people like me can bridge the language barrier and produce a fine string of quality beers like the ones that are produced in the beer making havens like Ceske Budejovicky(Budweis)(Budweiser) or Usti nad Labem (Zlatopramen) and Prazdroj (Pilsner Urquell) aka Mecca...Americans would have a different perspective on life in general. The cheap qualities of mass production should not inhibit the natural spirits of good taste which perfectly describes the plight of conservatism in the US. The natural instinct is to enjoy life to the fullest...but relaxation and "sinning" should be an art for adults!
Guinness in Michigan? Try Dublin!
Fosters! In the convenient oil drum size!
You threw off all the libs with the comment about the DH, they probably figure it's an S&M thing.
I drink beer to make other people interesting.
Ick, Foster's is jackalope urine.
Try a couple of different stouts (I like Mackison's Triple Stout and Murphy's), and you'll quickly give up Guinness.
I was drinking a Sam Adams while reading this.
I drink Jack Daniels to make "beer drinkers" interesting and "other people" tolerable.
C-L-A-S-S D-I-S-M-I-S-S-E-D! ROFLOL
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "Beers", men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into
a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
Can't do Fosters, nasty hangover, plus the Aussies don't drink it, they drink VB instead. I prefer Tiger from Singapore, great beer.
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