Skip to comments.Comedian Rodney Dangerfield's One-Liners
Posted on 10/06/2004 12:56:21 PM PDT by nypokerface
A sampling of comedian Rodney Dangerfield's one-liners:
Oct. 5, 2004, Joke of the Day on Dangerfield's Web site:
"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"
"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."
"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."
"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'"
"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."
"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."
"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."
"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names hers and her mother's."
"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."
"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."
I went to Rodney Dangerfield's show in Las Vegas about 17 years ago. He was a scream. RIP.
We have lost a great one. Phil Hendrie had to announce this last night during his show, had to fight to control his voice.
"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They WANT to!"
"I'll tell ya, I was an ugly kid. One time my parents took me to a dog show and I won a prize."
Caddyshack: A classic source for Dangerfield material.
What a great comedian!
He will be missed!
God bless you Mr. Dangerfied!
Saw him at a show in Long Island many years ago third row it was a scream so sorry to hear of his passing God Bless you Rodney we will miss you.
His comedy was timeless.
I can imagine it would hit Phil pretty hard, a lot of his general jokes and mannerisms are based on Rodney's schtick.
I was so ugly... my mother breast fed me through a straw.
Classical Rodney Dangerfield (true story):
Right before he went in for his heart surgery, a reporter asked him how long he'd be in the hospital.
Rodney replied, "If all goes well, about a week... if it doesn't go well, about 30 minutes."
RIP Rodney, I suspect you're getting respect now.
Add this one:
My uncles dying wish was that I sit in his lap. He was in the electric chair.
"My wife likes to talk to me during sex. The other day, she called me from the hotel."
I shall miss this man.
"My car broke down, I called AAA - they towed me!"
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!
My dog needed training, so I brought him into the bedroom at night. From me he learned how to beg. My wife taught him how to roll over and play dead
I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
Oh, when I was a kid, everyone thought I got plenty of girls. I used to go to a drive-in movie and do push-ups in the backseat of my car.
I said to one girl, "Come on, honey, I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You better, 'cause the last time I couldn't find it."
Oh, when I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler with me. Yeah, just in case I have to prove something.
Oh, when I was a kid, when my parents went shopping, they always took me with them - that way they could park in a handicapped section.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
A lot of girls turn me down. One girl turned me down, she said she had to go to work in the morning. I told her, "I'll be finished by then!"
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
I'm getting old. I got no sex life. I get tired just holding up the magazine. At my age, I like to get sex over quickly. Then I can get to the nap.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.
Oh, my wife loves vacations. The other night she told me, "I wanna go someplace I've never been before." I took her to a men's room.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
I'm trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don't know if I'm coming or going.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
Oh, when I was a kid I was poor. We were so poor, when my father died; they asked my mother, "Paper or plastic?"
Last night I came home, I walked in the house, I picked up the extension. My wife was having phone sex with some guy. I told the guy, "Don't let her fool you, she's faking it."
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."
I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!
When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.
My parents were so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
"With me, food has replaced sex entirely. In fact, I had a mirror put in over my kitchen table"
When I was a kid we used to play Hide and Seek. Nobody wanted to look for me.