Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

Comedian Rodney Dangerfield's One-Liners
AP ^ | 10/06/04

Posted on 10/06/2004 12:56:21 PM PDT by nypokerface

A sampling of comedian Rodney Dangerfield's one-liners:

Oct. 5, 2004, Joke of the Day on Dangerfield's Web site:

"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"

___

"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

___

"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."

___

"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'"

___

"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."

___

"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."

___

"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

___

"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother's."

___

"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

___

"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."


TOPICS: Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS: norespect; rodneydangerfield; undeadthread
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-5051-95 next last

1 posted on 10/06/2004 12:56:22 PM PDT by nypokerface
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

I went to Rodney Dangerfield's show in Las Vegas about 17 years ago. He was a scream. RIP.


2 posted on 10/06/2004 12:58:37 PM PDT by annyokie (Now with 20% More Infidel!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

We have lost a great one. Phil Hendrie had to announce this last night during his show, had to fight to control his voice.


3 posted on 10/06/2004 12:58:44 PM PDT by RightWhale (Withdraw from the 1967 UN Outer Space Treaty and establish property rights)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They WANT to!"
(budda-bump!)


4 posted on 10/06/2004 12:59:01 PM PDT by pabianice
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

"I'll tell ya, I was an ugly kid. One time my parents took me to a dog show and I won a prize."


5 posted on 10/06/2004 12:59:30 PM PDT by chimera
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface
Hey Wang, this is a private club, so don't let them know you're Jewish, OK?

Caddyshack: A classic source for Dangerfield material.

6 posted on 10/06/2004 12:59:31 PM PDT by akorahil (DFL-The party of tolerance.....tolerant of whoever wants to destroy MN GOP HQ that is..)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

What a great comedian!

He will be missed!

God bless you Mr. Dangerfied!

Semper Fi,
Kelly


7 posted on 10/06/2004 12:59:42 PM PDT by kellynla (U.S.M.C. 1/5 1st Mar Div. Nam 69&70 Semper Fi http://www.vietnamveteransagainstjohnkerry.com)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

Saw him at a show in Long Island many years ago third row it was a scream so sorry to hear of his passing God Bless you Rodney we will miss you.


8 posted on 10/06/2004 1:00:53 PM PDT by bikerman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface
May God have mercy on his wisecracking soul.

His comedy was timeless.

9 posted on 10/06/2004 1:02:00 PM PDT by FatLoser
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: RightWhale

I can imagine it would hit Phil pretty hard, a lot of his general jokes and mannerisms are based on Rodney's schtick.


10 posted on 10/06/2004 1:02:35 PM PDT by Crazieman (Islam. Religion of peace, and they'll kill you to prove it.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

I was so ugly... my mother breast fed me through a straw.


11 posted on 10/06/2004 1:02:50 PM PDT by pghkevin (Have you hugged your kids today? Have you thanked someone in the Military today?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface
"My wife likes to talk during sex. She calls me from the Holiday Inn."
12 posted on 10/06/2004 1:03:13 PM PDT by Ditto ( No trees were killed in sending this message, but billions of electrons were inconvenienced.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

Classical Rodney Dangerfield (true story):

Right before he went in for his heart surgery, a reporter asked him how long he'd be in the hospital.

Rodney replied, "If all goes well, about a week... if it doesn't go well, about 30 minutes."

RIP Rodney, I suspect you're getting respect now.


13 posted on 10/06/2004 1:03:14 PM PDT by So Cal Rocket (Proud Member: Internet Pajama Wearers for Truth)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

Add this one:

My uncles dying wish was that I sit in his lap. He was in the electric chair.


14 posted on 10/06/2004 1:03:35 PM PDT by Rocket1968 (Democrats will crash and burn in 2004.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

"My wife likes to talk to me during sex. The other day, she called me from the hotel."


15 posted on 10/06/2004 1:03:37 PM PDT by dirtboy (Kerry could have left 'Nam within a week if Purple Hearts were awarded for shots to the foot.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

I shall miss this man.

"My car broke down, I called AAA - they towed me!"


16 posted on 10/06/2004 1:03:38 PM PDT by Old Sarge (ZOT 'em all, let MOD sort 'em out!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!

My dog needed training, so I brought him into the bedroom at night. From me he learned how to beg. My wife taught him how to roll over and play dead

I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

Oh, when I was a kid, everyone thought I got plenty of girls. I used to go to a drive-in movie and do push-ups in the backseat of my car.

I said to one girl, "Come on, honey, I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You better, 'cause the last time I couldn't find it."

Oh, when I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler with me. Yeah, just in case I have to prove something.

Oh, when I was a kid, when my parents went shopping, they always took me with them - that way they could park in a handicapped section.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

A lot of girls turn me down. One girl turned me down, she said she had to go to work in the morning. I told her, "I'll be finished by then!"

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

I'm getting old. I got no sex life. I get tired just holding up the magazine. At my age, I like to get sex over quickly. Then I can get to the nap.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

Oh, my wife loves vacations. The other night she told me, "I wanna go someplace I've never been before." I took her to a men's room.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I'm trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don't know if I'm coming or going.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Oh, when I was a kid I was poor. We were so poor, when my father died; they asked my mother, "Paper or plastic?"

Last night I came home, I walked in the house, I picked up the extension. My wife was having phone sex with some guy. I told the guy, "Don't let her fool you, she's faking it."

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.


17 posted on 10/06/2004 1:03:57 PM PDT by FormerLib (Kosova: "land stolen from Serbs and given to terrorist killers in a futile attempt to appease them.")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

My parents were so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.


18 posted on 10/06/2004 1:04:23 PM PDT by skip_intro (I'm a man...I can change...If I have to...I guess)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dirtboy

"With me, food has replaced sex entirely. In fact, I had a mirror put in over my kitchen table"


19 posted on 10/06/2004 1:05:08 PM PDT by MarkeyD (<a href="http:\\www.michaelmoore.com>Maggot</a>)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

When I was a kid we used to play Hide and Seek. Nobody wanted to look for me.



20 posted on 10/06/2004 1:05:17 PM PDT by catonsville
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface
My favorite Rodney line from Back to School:

Diane: I'd love to go with you, but I've got a class right now.
Thornton Melon : Well, why don't you come and see me some time when you have no class.

21 posted on 10/06/2004 1:05:30 PM PDT by the_devils_advocate_666
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

Rodney Dangerfield was a true one-of-a-kind. He was such an icon.

We've not only lost a great man, we've lost a FUNNY great man.

But, Heaven will be in hysterics - Jack Benny, Bob Hope and Phil Silvers, to name but a few, will be laughing it up.

Thanks for the great jokes, Rodney. Rest in peace.


22 posted on 10/06/2004 1:06:02 PM PDT by DustyMoment (Repeal CFR NOW!!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: So Cal Rocket

I think we ought to find Dr. Vinnie Boom Boss and whip his ass.


23 posted on 10/06/2004 1:06:19 PM PDT by Armedanddangerous (They call me tater salad...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

"I tried to teach my 15 year-old daughter how to drive. She couldn't get used to the front seat."


24 posted on 10/06/2004 1:06:25 PM PDT by Crawdad (I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no class.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: skip_intro

I saw Rodney in the market about 8 years ago. He was was wearing a bathrobe and slippers.


25 posted on 10/06/2004 1:06:27 PM PDT by Pali
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 18 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

"I went to my doctor the other day. You know my doctor don't yah? Dr. Vinnie Boombatz? I said I don't know what's wrong with me. I got up this morning looked in the mirror and wanted to throw up. My doc, he says, I don't know what's wrong with you, but your eyesight's perfect! So I says I want a second opinion! He says, OK, you're ugly, too!"

"I tell yah. I don't no respect!"


26 posted on 10/06/2004 1:06:47 PM PDT by RexBeach (Before God makes you greedy, he makes you stupid.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

I once dated a girl with pigtails...under her ARMS.

---

I told my kid about the birds and the bees--he told me about my wife and the butcher.

---

One time I got lost from my parents--I asked a cop, "Do you ever think I'll find them?" he said, "I don't know, kid, there are so many places they could hide."

BA-DOMP-BOMP!!!

Loved ya, Rodney.


27 posted on 10/06/2004 1:06:47 PM PDT by SerpentDove (I don't wanna.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface
What a coincedence.

Night before last, I watched "Caddyshack" for the first time in 20 years. Rodney was hilarious in that movie. Funny, funny man.

RIP.


28 posted on 10/06/2004 1:07:42 PM PDT by Skooz (We keep you alive to serve this ship. Row well, and live.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: akorahil

(BRRRRRRRRRAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!!!) Oooooooo....did someone step on a duck?


29 posted on 10/06/2004 1:08:12 PM PDT by NRA1995 (Edwards batted his eyelashes at Cheney so much I expected him to make a pass at Cheney)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

To: chimera

I am so ugly, I went to the Proctologist & put his finger in my mouth.


30 posted on 10/06/2004 1:08:29 PM PDT by Puppage (You may disagree with what I have to say, but I shall defend to your death my right to say it)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 5 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

I tell ya my kids give me no respect. They enrolled in a private school. They won't tell me where it is.


31 posted on 10/06/2004 1:08:40 PM PDT by mitchbert (Facts Are Stubborn Things)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Pali

Our loss is heavens gain


32 posted on 10/06/2004 1:08:58 PM PDT by traderrob6
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 25 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

"My wife's cooking was so bad that the flies all chipped in to get the screen door repaired."


33 posted on 10/06/2004 1:10:10 PM PDT by Bloody Sam Roberts (Which Star Trek Capt. would you want for President? Picard or Kirk? In wartime, the choice is easy.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

"I went to my doctor the other day. You know my doctor don't yah? Dr. Vinnie Boombatz? I said I don't know what's wrong with me. I got up this morning looked in the mirror and wanted to throw up. My doc, he says, I don't know what's wrong with you, but your eyesight's perfect! So I says I want a second opinion! He says, OK, you're ugly, too!"

"I tell yah. I don't get no respect!"


34 posted on 10/06/2004 1:12:04 PM PDT by RexBeach (Before God makes you greedy, he makes you stupid.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

"When I was dating my wife she told me I was 'one in a million'. I found out she was right!"


35 posted on 10/06/2004 1:13:25 PM PDT by silverleaf (Fasten your seat belts- it's going to be a BUMPY ride.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: chimera

"The other night my dog was scratching & whining at the back door, so I opened it to let him out....he wanted me to go!!!"


36 posted on 10/06/2004 1:16:05 PM PDT by TheNailMan
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 5 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

I once went out with a woman, she was so old that when she was in school they didn't teach history.


37 posted on 10/06/2004 1:16:45 PM PDT by catch
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

"I told my son, I said 'kid, one day you will have kids of your own,' he said 'so will you'"

"I called my wife from work, I said "Honey, I can't wait to get there and make love to you," - she said, "who is this?"


38 posted on 10/06/2004 1:19:19 PM PDT by ko_kyi
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

Rodney, handling a heckler:

Heckler: "You stink! Don't quit your day job!"
Rodney: "But if I don't find guys for your sister, who will?"


39 posted on 10/06/2004 1:19:42 PM PDT by ItsOurTimeNow (Amos 6:1-7)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

My favorite:

"I only get girls because of who I am . . . a rapist!"


40 posted on 10/06/2004 1:20:56 PM PDT by atomicweeder
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

I don't ever remember R.D. having to use vulgarity to get a laugh like so many comedians do today!


41 posted on 10/06/2004 1:22:35 PM PDT by TexasCajun
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface
"My wife is such a bad cook, that the flies in the neighborhood chipped in to have the screen door fixed."

< rimshot >

42 posted on 10/06/2004 1:23:58 PM PDT by DCPatriot
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

Always look out for #1 but be sure not to step in #2


43 posted on 10/06/2004 1:24:22 PM PDT by joesnuffy (Moderate Islam Is For Dilettantes)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

RIP Rodney.


44 posted on 10/06/2004 1:26:25 PM PDT by b2stealth
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 40 | View Replies]

To: joesnuffy

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.


45 posted on 10/06/2004 1:26:51 PM PDT by Sybeck1 (Kerry: how can we trust him with our money, if Teresa won't trust him with hers!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 43 | View Replies]

To: the_devils_advocate_666
My favorite Rodney line from Back to School:

I liked the line where he said to the college girls "Hey girls, why don't you come over here and help me straighten out my Longfellow."

46 posted on 10/06/2004 1:27:12 PM PDT by Mannaggia l'America
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: nypokerface

"I'll tell ya, my wife, boy is she fat. She went on one of those exercise shows on television. She started jumping up and down -- my TV fell off the stand!"


47 posted on 10/06/2004 1:29:46 PM PDT by Mannaggia l'America
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Mannaggia l'America

"Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes."


48 posted on 10/06/2004 1:31:03 PM PDT by the_devils_advocate_666
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 46 | View Replies]

To: Mannaggia l'America

This one's a keeper, BUMP, I love Rodney Dangerfield.


49 posted on 10/06/2004 1:31:12 PM PDT by Nowhere Man ("Laws are the spider webs through which the big bugs fly past and the little ones get caught.")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 47 | View Replies]

To: Mannaggia l'America

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."


50 posted on 10/06/2004 1:31:52 PM PDT by Sybeck1 (Kerry: how can we trust him with our money, if Teresa won't trust him with hers!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 46 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-5051-95 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson