Skip to comments.Comedian Rodney Dangerfield's One-Liners
Posted on 10/06/2004 12:56:21 PM PDT by nypokerface
A sampling of comedian Rodney Dangerfield's one-liners:
Oct. 5, 2004, Joke of the Day on Dangerfield's Web site:
"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"
"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."
"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."
"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'"
"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."
"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."
"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."
"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names hers and her mother's."
"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."
"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."
I don't ever remember R.D. having to use vulgarity to get a laugh like so many comedians do today!
< rimshot >
Always look out for #1 but be sure not to step in #2
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I liked the line where he said to the college girls "Hey girls, why don't you come over here and help me straighten out my Longfellow."
"I'll tell ya, my wife, boy is she fat. She went on one of those exercise shows on television. She started jumping up and down -- my TV fell off the stand!"
"Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes."
This one's a keeper, BUMP, I love Rodney Dangerfield.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
Why get married? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
"My wife and I we brought a dog that was so dumb that we named him Egypt, because he left a pyramid in every room."
We'll miss ya Rodney...
(Will someone please shut the little fat bastard up!!!--Rodney Dangerfield "Easy Money")
I flew into town last; asked the cab driver where I could find some action; he took me to my house.
I got arrested for flashing; they took me to small claims court.
In Back to School, when Rodney finds out his son is not in the fraternity & not on the dive team he says:
"Why did you lie to me Jason? You don't lie to me...you lie to girls."
From his act in the Sixties:"Some people are going to India to find the meaning of life. I'm still trying to start my car."
"My wife cut me back to sex once a month... but that's okay, I know two guys she cut out completely.
I met a girl in a bar and asked her if we could go to bed. She told me that she didn't like casual sex. I told her, 'OK, I'll wear a tie'