Comedian Rodney Dangerfield's One-Liners

AP ^ | 10/06/04

[nypokerface]

A sampling of comedian Rodney Dangerfield's one-liners:

Oct. 5, 2004, Joke of the Day on Dangerfield's Web site:

"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"

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"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

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"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."

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"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'"

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"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."

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"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."

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"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

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"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother's."

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"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

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"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."

[TexasCajun]

I don't ever remember R.D. having to use vulgarity to get a laugh like so many comedians do today!

[DCPatriot]

"My wife is such a bad cook, that the flies in the neighborhood chipped in to have the screen door fixed."

< rimshot >

[joesnuffy]

Always look out for #1 but be sure not to step in #2

[b2stealth]

RIP Rodney.

[Sybeck1]

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

[Mannaggia l'America]

My favorite Rodney line from Back to School:

I liked the line where he said to the college girls "Hey girls, why don't you come over here and help me straighten out my Longfellow."

[Mannaggia l'America]

"I'll tell ya, my wife, boy is she fat. She went on one of those exercise shows on television. She started jumping up and down -- my TV fell off the stand!"

[the_devils_advocate_666]

"Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes."

[Nowhere Man]

This one's a keeper, BUMP, I love Rodney Dangerfield.

[Sybeck1]

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

[Balata]

Why get married? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

[Uncle Vlad]

Oh, that doctor of mine, you know my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boom Bahts? I told him, "My teeth are turning yellow."

He said, "Wear a brown necktie."

Then he told me, "You're crazy." I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Alright, you're ugly, too."
I called him on the phone. I said, "Doc, I accidentally swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With me, nothin' works. Last week, I bought a Japanese car. I turned the radio on. I can't understand a word they say.

And my wife. You know, she cut me down to once a month. I know three guys she cut out altogether.

It's always been that way. All I ever got were fat girls. One girl I went out with, ooh, was she fat.

HOW FAT WAS SHE?

Her bathtub had stretch marks, okay?

[Sybeck1]

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

[CAPTAINSUPERMARVELMAN]

"My wife and I we brought a dog that was so dumb that we named him Egypt, because he left a pyramid in every room."

We'll miss ya Rodney...

(Will someone please shut the little fat bastard up!!!--Rodney Dangerfield "Easy Money")

[WKB]

I stuck my head out of the car window and
got arrested for mooning.

[Elephino]

I flew into town last; asked the cab driver where I could find some action; he took me to my house.

I got arrested for flashing; they took me to small claims court.

[Feiny]

In Back to School, when Rodney finds out his son is not in the fraternity & not on the dive team he says:

"Why did you lie to me Jason? You don't lie to me...you lie to girls."

[You Dirty Rats]

From his act in the Sixties:"Some people are going to India to find the meaning of life. I'm still trying to start my car."

[stephydan]

"My wife cut me back to sex once a month... but that's okay, I know two guys she cut out completely.

[kidd]

I met a girl in a bar and asked her if we could go to bed. She told me that she didn't like casual sex. I told her, 'OK, I'll wear a tie'