Posted on 10/13/2004 5:40:31 AM PDT by crushkerry
By now you've undoubtedly heard about his cruel, immoral and embarrassing statement yesterday in Iowa "We will stop juvenile diabetes, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and other debilitating diseases... When John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going get up out of that wheelchair and walk again." In doing so he proved himself a national disgrace, but really, how different is it than his shameless "channeling" of a baby in the womb during one of his bloodsucking money grabs?
Gee, is it any wonder people hate lawyers? Trust me, we deal with lawyers every day, and while most are nice people, they have a blind spot when it comes to rhetoric such as this, as well as the carnival barker routine Edwards pulled in his "channeling" case.
Quite frankly though on this foolish statement, we couldn't fillet the little turd any better than Rush Limbaugh did on his show today. So we won't even try.
But that doesn't mean we can't turn our poisoned pen (or bandwidth) and make a mockery of this small insignificant little weasel with a nice hairdo.
We thought we'd take a little look into the future to determine what else John Edwards thinks will happen if he and Lurch are elected on Nov. 2. We can hear it now. Enjoy.
When John Kerry is President we will preserve and defend our environment by ensuring that the wood used to burn crosses is environmentally safe. The wisdom of this plan was told to the campaign by Senator Byrd. He told us "Boys-back in the good ol' days when the Negra’s knew their place, and when I was the Kleagle of the West Virginia KKK you could just get 2 pieces of any ol' wood, string em together and put it on somebody's lawn. Wasn't till years later when we found out what harm this was doin' to the environment, what with all the splinters on the ground after the roastin'. Didn't realize what that could do to the landfills. So when I set aside $200 million in the latest Appropriations bill to the "Bobby Byrd Cross Burnin' Research Center" whod'a thunk that just 5 years later they'd come up with this environmentally safe wood - probably from some company owned by George Bush - that allows you to burn a cross on a lawn, and hell, even toast a few mashmellas'- and never even leave a footprint on the lawn". Yes, folks, in John Kerry's America no longer will lawns and our clean air be ruined by substandard cross burning wood."
"When John Kerry is elected President no longer will young campaign workers be left for dead and gasping for air at the bottom of a body of water by a scion of the "American Royal Family". Do you know why? Because John Kerry is going to make all cars equipped with Personal Flotation Devices. Never again will drunken whiskey sponges have to face the embarassment of waiting 12 hours to sober up...er... report to the police when some poor kid is clawing at a window while her air supply is reduced to nothing. With these PFT's it will no longer be necessary for neck braces to be used as sympathy props a few days later..at least not for politicians. For my clients however, this rule will not apply."
"When John Kerry is President Americans will not have to concern themselves with medical bills when the next terror attack hits. You see, in John Kerry's America too much money is being spent on "colossal mistakes" in Iraq and on silly little things like defense shields. No ladies and gentlemen, our "sensitive" approach to the "nuisance" that is terrorism will free up billions of dollars to put millions of people in a government health care system. If fact we'll fight to ensure than radiation disease and complications from biological attacks are covered in our new health plan. Why stay up at nights worrying that you might be bankrupted by the medical bills occurring from a terrorist attack. Since the terror threat is "overrated", we feel that our new health plan will remove any anxiety you may have over this happening. But trust us, we will "respond" to any terror attack, but first we'll ensure you're medical bills are paid. We promise that no summit will take place until this is in place. Further, if you say you heard about this coverage from me, John Edwards, you get a free consult when you sue the Bush administration for allowing this to happen, even if it will be on our watch. And if that doesn't work we can go after the doctors who don't properly treat your anthrax or ricin contamination"
"When John Kerry is President no longer will residents of the deep South, especially Florida (with its 21 electoral votes) will be driven from their homes by acts of nature. Why? Because John Kerry knows that there is a "right way" and a "wrong way" to deal with Mother Nature. In addition to convening a summit, he will force Mother Nature to pass the "global test" by ensuring that our allies are willing to share the human and monetary toll of natural disasters. Why, during the "El Nino's" of the 90's President Bush's father got the cooperation of several other nations in sharing the burden. Yet today, America, specifically Florida (with its 21 electoral votes) is bearing 90% of the casualties and costs of the last batch of hurricanes. If George Bush had not rushed to war, we could have given the investigators of the National Weather Service more time to investigate these hurricanes. Now you people, especially in Florida (with its 21 electoral votes) are trapped in a quagmire."
"When John Kerry is President prenuptial agreements will be no longer be needed. What kind of world is it when a down on his luck failed cookie salesman is forced to rely on the largesse of women whose wealth came from either dead ancestors, or the family fortune of dead former spouses. After all, those women didn't really earn it. Why is fair for any man to have to have his family own SUV's, while he is forced to subsist on the meager $144,000 yearly salary. Not in John Kerry's America, no sir. Frankly, it's demeaning for anyone to have to have to ask their wife for an allowance. Don't you know how embarrassing it is when you're forced to admit the 7 homes you can live in, the private jet, and the "Scaramouch" aren't really yours, but rather, you're just borrowing them so long as you're in the old lady's good graces. Why, this is destroying the fabric of America."
"When John Kerry is President crime will no longer be a problem. Why? Because in John Kerry's America nobody will have enough money to steal. With our plan for a simplified tax code - a 2 line tax form, with line 1 being "How Much Do You Make" and line 2 reading "Send it in" - we will ensure that everyone has equal access to quality and affordable government cheese. By doing this we'll also solve the childhood obesity problems. The answer to this problem is really simple. If the little chubsters parents can't afford the Ho-Ho's and Ding Dongs, then they won't get fat. A steady diet of government cheese and the exercise that will be gained from running from homeless shelter to homeless shelter will provide for a far leaner youth population."
These are just a few things John Edwards is going to promise later on. Feel free to list some of your own predictions in the "comment" section below, or in the forum.
Ping
Kerry/Edwards will heal the cripples with vodoo science, cripple the healers with skyhigh malpractice premiums and try their darndest to ignore those pesky terrorists.
We need a picture of this John 'bennie hinn' Edwards. Where is register when you need him.
Well said.
Hope is on the way.....Wait! What is this in my other hand?
John E. will also promise a new formula that will prevent BOTH male hair loss AND erectile dysfunction simultaneously. There will be a pill, if taken first thing in the morning, that will allow you to eat everything that's not moving and NEVER (yes, that's NEVER!!) gain an ounce over the weight you yourself have chosen as ideal. Same pill, taken at night, will assure you a great night's sleep after a lengthy, fully-satisfying sexual bout with your beloved. Finally, we can expect a once-a-week shot for kids that will make them long to study, hate loud music, drive carefully, and respect their authority figures.
That's a lot to promise us, I know...but I believe John-John can do it if elected!
and the “Bill my Bank” method where they just withdraw whenever they need it.
LOVE the headline! Bennie Hinn...ROTFLMAO!
(Also it conjured up an amusing mental image of JEdwards as Benny Hill!...)
And never again will we have a problem with an election. We have figured it out: It's not who gets the most votes, it all boils down to who counts those votes.
If he's like Benny Hinn, a lot of people will also get their sense of smell back, and lose that little ringing in their ears thing.
And they'll fall over, for no apparent reason. Well, except when he gives them a good push.
Dan
To make a comparison between liberal trial lawyer and a wonderful man of God Benny Hinn is grotesque.
This post moved me to write the following letter. I'm sending it to Washington DC, to his office in the Dirksen Senate Office Building, which may mean that he won't see it for months, but it's the thought that counts.
They're eating virgin boys in Kenya to cure AIDS. With Mama T's multicultural approach and influence, your analogy might be standard operating procedure someday. Of course those sacrificed would be from among the "common people."
I thought they were just raping them. They're eating them? Do you have a reference?
I wonder how Edwards' "Hinn-do" would fare in a strong cross breeze?
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.
