Posted on 10/16/2004 5:48:19 AM PDT by jamfull
Teresa Heinz Kerry Touts Secret Health Cures
Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife of Presidential hopeful John Kerry, revealed several alternative health remedies today while speaking in Reno. According to Teresa, better health awaits those who follow her alternative advice.
In all her remedies, Teresa advocates a strong liberal use of the sauce (not the secret 57 kind) and white raisins.
Teresa’s healthful anti-aging tips include:
Arthritis: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day.”
Bunions: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Plus, drink three martinis daily: one at breakfast, one at lunch, and one at dinner. After each martini, spin around and do the hokey pokey for enjoyment.”
Cold: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, drink several shots of 100 proof Wild Turkey during coughing spells or when needed – no hokey pokey required.
Poor Eyesight: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, get some medical “Maui Wowee” marijuana and smoke three fat joints a day. Also, make sure you’re loaded with some good munchies. Imported Belgian Chocolate and extra cheesy nachos are my favorites.”
Wrinkles: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Plus, find the best damn plastic surgeon who has stockpiled large amounts of Botox. Also, make sure you have some spare hooch in the cupboard for when you get the bill."
Poor Hearing: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, sip several tall glasses of Elijah Craig Bourbon Whiskey throughout the day, smoke a few fat joints of medical marijuana -- then you won’t give a crap what other idiots have to say."
When asked what happens if someone has more than one ailment, Teresa replied, "If they follow the remedy for each ailment, they’ll be so stoned throughout the day they’ll feel no pain, believe me."
Teresa, however, gave a final word of caution to those who wish to follow her plan: "please, no driving or use of any sharp objects allowed."
Teresa also plans a book tour to promote her health advice after the elections. But she wants fans to know all book signings will be in the late afternoons only. She says she doesn't like getting up before 2:00 pm.
www.fiberalmedia.com
She must have stock in Seagrams... LOL... she is definately under the influence of something...
(hic) - I think I read this one already....... (hic, hic..) ...raisins soaked in gin, mmm, that's what she is up to.
You had me going - I thought these were REALLY effective cures straight from Terry Kerry BUT - with her cool billion - she probably has the doctor on retainer and never SEES or cares about a bill that contains less than 5 figures.
Nothing less than Bombay Sapphire for the rich witch.
Leni
I am confessing. I am going to get some white raisiins and try this. I wonder if the raisins get all soaked with the gin. This appeals to me, maybe as an after dinner course with cheese. Teresa may be onto something.
Well, she did turn Kerry's face from a horrible scary mess into just a scary mess.
For a toothache I drink the urine of a pregnant crocodile at a crossroads at midnight. Facing east if the pain is in the upper jaw, facing west if it's in the lower.
Botox and a slug of whiskey.
Jerry Baker the gardener talk show host from "On the Garden Line" has talked about this for years!
Maybe she is a closet listener!
Judging from the way Mrs. Kerry looks she must have very bad arthritis and needs a dose every 20 minutes. In between doses she also needs a liberal helping of Xanax. Just to keep the pain under control of course.
Bombay Sapphire? Ooooh, heh that is the good stuff!
I met a GIN-soaked, bar-room queen who is a heiress,
I tried to take her upstairs for a ride,
I had to heave her right across my shoulder.
And she just can't seem, to drink me - off her mind!She's a honky tonk, honky tonk heiress.
Gimme, gimme, gimme - her honky-tonk cures!
"You get some gin and get some white raisins ..."
Is that why she appears to be drunk?
This woman has ISSUES!
Nothing better for a dry martini.
Somebody tell Ta-Razor that those aren't white raisins. That's a reflection of her face in the martini glass.
She makes more sense than her husband. At least she says what her remedies are.
What kind of racist, uh...person(rhymes with rich), only eats WHITE gin soaked raisins? What's wrong with BLACK gin soaked raisins?
Huh, Ms. smarty pants?
I think Ms. Ketchup has had tea many martoonis.
Supposedly an holistic medical doctor says it works...the raison rum thing...something about the sulfur in it.... go figure!
Hmmmm, I've soaked raisins in rum and used them in home-made rum raisin ice cream. I don't know how *ginned-up* raisins would taste, but I might just try it sometime.
"...Botox and a slug of whiskey..."
Botox?? I never saw her before the campaign so I don't know about the botox...but...the 'slug of whiskey' explains a lot.
Christoph Luxenberg, a scholar of ancient Semitic languages in Germany, argues that the Koran has been misread and mistranslated for centuries. His work, based on the earliest copies of the Koran, maintains that parts of Islam's holy book are derived from pre-existing Christian Aramaic texts that were misinterpreted by later Islamic scholars who prepared the editions of the Koran commonly read today. So, for example, the virgins who are supposedly awaiting good Islamic martyrs as their reward in paradise are in reality "white raisins" of crystal clarity rather than fair maidens.Terayzah and Al Qaeda may be on to something.
"..."You get some gin and get some white raisins ..."
Oh h3ll....forget the raisons...the gin alone does just fine!
Weird, I have heard about this before. I don't believe a word of it.
"...I think Ms. Ketchup has had tea many martoonis...."
Doncha just love it??? In some ways this explains a lot about her outbursts and lack of critical thinking. Is it any wonder she disappears off the campaign trial for periods of time. It also explains that "what do I do now" look we often see at events. Do we seriously want this woman hosting 'state dinners'?
Eat enough gin-soaked raisins and you won't CARE that your joints are hurting, LOL!
For some reason, her raisin recipe reminds me of this recipe:
Recipe for fruit cake
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.
Happy holidays! Please feel free to share this recipe with others.
Ya know... I hate to sound like I'm sticking up for her but a lot of her stiffness and immobility could actually be caused by arthritis. I don't know what his excuse is.
Now I think we have a clue as to Kerry's new secret health care plans for all of us!
My Mom has severe rheumatoid arthritis. I mentioned this "supposed" cure to her and it came as no surprise. She said she heard about this years ago.
Macumba from Mozambique..
Teraysub forgot that eating certain types of mushrooms cause delusions of grandeur. A liberal rich B'atch on a power trip that leads to nowhere. In reality, back to her many mansions with the traitorous cowardly gigilo. Bush/Ceheney 2004
Do we seriously want this woman hosting 'state dinners'?
do we seriously want a woman called " MOMMA T " by the gay boys? think about how weird that would be. what if MOMMA T met MR. T ? would it be love at first sight? would she dump lurch for the man with the bad haircut? sounds like a premise for a new abc sit-com " MOMMA T MEETS MR. T" .
See the recipe in reply #33 for another good laugh. (spit on monitor)
This will be Kerry's Universal Healthcare plan. White raisins soaked in cheap gin for everybody. Party on, Garth!
The only thing that raisins and gin might cure is a HANGOVER, which is something I'm sure Theresa knows something about.
A sweat hog married to a horse's ass.
She makes me gag.
TerAZa probably looked it up on the internet so as to have something to say that she thought would connect with her audience, hic hiccup, aah!
No, she listens to KDKA in the middle of the night. There is some guy who has had a talk show for eternity on there and it has nobody under 70 who listens, or at least calls in. That's where she got the recipe. Somebody called years and years ago and gave the recipe and of course, even the non-drinkers tried it since it was medicinal. Wonder if she puts a bar of soap between her sheets. That was another more recent remedy some caller suggested for some other plague that old people suffer (can't remember what it was for.)
Don't laugh at Terry Kerry's remedies. Just remember that back in old colonial Portuguese Mozambique, Terry's father, who was a doctor, and their family owned many black Africans including some who were knowledgable in ways of natural remedies.
Well, when Kerry gets elected, we can look to the government nationalizing the raisin business; then there will be a raisin shortage leading to rationing of white raisins. Only those who are in the high-risk class will get raisins.
When raisins are outlawed, only outlaws will have raisins.
That recipe is a stitch and is about as close as I ever want to get to making OR eating fruitcake!!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.