Skip to comments.Mr Blue (Colmes) Goes Deaf when he Sees Red
Posted on 11/12/2004 5:35:22 PM PST by Dutchgirl
Twenty-four hours after the dramatic U.S. presidential-election results were validated, Human Events Online published my essay (which I had been hatching for two weeks), "Declaration of Expulsion," a slightly satiric proposal to kick out of the Union the 12 most liberal states, either to join the People's Socialist Dominion of Canada or, on their own, go straight to Hell.
Within hours (and I do not claim that my piece was a causal effect), liberal voices formed into an enthusiastic chorus for roughly the same idea: Democrat gurus Lawrence O'Donnelland Robert Beckel, as angry talking heads on two separate TV news shows, taunted the newly solid-Republican South (all states of which actually are overfed "welfare clients" of the affluent, heavilytaxed North, huffed O'Donnell)to secede, for the second time since 1860; The reliably opportunistic Internet erupted with "I Seceded" T-shirts for sale, plus the mocking map of a 31-Red-state nation called "Jesusland,"and An e-mail rapidly circulating among liberals touted creation of the country of "American Coastopia,"whose upscale Atlantic- and Pacific-rim inhabitants joyfully would (what else?) fly over Fly-Over Country to get away from "rednecks in Oklahoma and homophobic knuckle-draggers in Wyoming."
Then came confirmation of the growing fascination for dividing what once was "one nation indivisible," when Manhattan-based liberal talk-show host Alan Colmes invited me to be a guest for 15 minutes on his late-night radio program.
My on-air "15 minutes of fame" would mushroom into 45 minutes of defamation: "Why are you so intolerant of liberals?" asked Herr Colmes, who apparently had forgotten that he was supposed to ask me when I had stopped beating my wife. I explained to him factually that more liberals than conservatives publicly are advocating dissolution of the Union, and that the issue, in either event, is not intolerance but rather insolubility--that is, there is no middle ground, no compromise possible on most CultureWar issues.
"That's exactly what intolerance is!" asserted the intolerant talkmeister.
"Listen carefully, Alan," I urged. "If you want Congress to pass a 10-dollar minimum wage and I want an eight-dollar cap, it's possible for us to compromise at nine dollars. But how do we compromise on abortion? Shall we kill only half as many babies? How do we compromise on gay marriage? Shall we allow a lesbian to marry a lesbian but forbid a man to marry a man? There are too many of these insoluble differences between the Red states and the Blue states."
"I can't believe how intolerant you are!" screamed Alan.
Soon a self-identified lesbian called in breathlessly to confess "intense fear of intolerant Red states." (Why, I thought, was she phoning a radio show in the middle of the night instead of her local 911 operator?) The perceptive host again verbally pounced on me, his guest, who safely lives in the brimstone warmth of Red Florida: "Do you think, Mr. Thompson, that this woman is evil or immoral?"
"Alan, I have no idea who the woman is," I answered. "I have just met her anonymously over the phone. All I know is that she has made a bad choice of lifestyle, because lesbians have a documented higher rate of alcoholism, a higher rate of mental problems and a higher rate of suicide than heterosexual women."
Alan, who apparently is aurally challenged, now was in the full-boost stage of liberal ballistics: "What do you mean, this woman RAPES other women? You are filled with hate! How DARE you say such a thing!"
"Rape?" I asked, flabbergasted. "I said RATE--as in 'suicide rate.' RATE--as in 'alcoholism rate'! Please listen to me, Alan. Is your phone bad?"
With no apology to his mystified guest, Alan disconnected the lesbian's call and radically changed the subject: "Do you think John Kerry is a traitor?"
"Yes, Alan. One who commits treason," I observed coolly, "by definition is a traitor. Kerry went to Paris and consulted with our Communist Vietnam enemies, not with U.S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Subsequently, Kerry publicly endorsed the outrageous Communist 'peace plan,' not his own country's plan.
"In uniform, Kerry during the war and under oath before the U.S. Senate also accused his fellow American soldiers of indiscriminately raping and killing Vietnamese civilians and destroying their villages just for the fun of it--false charges that were welcomed and used by the Communist nation's cruel jailers for years to torture American prisoners. Therefore, Mr. Kerry is a double traitor."
Unguided-missile Colmes finally reached the smoking-burnout stage, spewing invectives and ridicule at me as fast as his facile, bifurcated tongue could wag.
"How can you just sit there and libel a statesman like John Kerry?" he sputtered.
"How dare you sit in judgment of a great American patriot!"
My answer: "Apparently you have forgotten, Alan, but you asked me to 'sit in judgment' of John Kerry--you asked me if I thought he was a traitor. I didn't bring up the subject." Pausing, I asked, "By the way, can you tell your audience how the Constitution defines a traitor? Go ahead. Surely you must know."
Retorted Prof. Colmes testily: "I'm not going to play your little quiz game!"
"It's not a game, Alan," I said. "Are you ignorant and don't know the answer, or are you afraid to speak the truth? The Constitution defines a traitor as someone who in time of war adheres to our enemy and gives the enemy 'aid and comfort'--those are the exact words. Listen, Alan, listen."
His response was a curt good-bye before going to the final break of the hour to promote rupture-easers and get-rich-quick books from unknown con-artists.
When I submitted "Declaration of Expulsion," I felt a bit like Jonathan Swift must have when he wrote "A Modest Proposal," a tongue-in-dark-cheek suggestion that the "excess" babies born to Irish Catholics should be eaten by Englishmen as a cheap source of meat. After my 45-minute broadcast encounter with a typical American liberal, however, I believe that expulsion of the most egregiously leftwing states is anything but a slight "joke'; it is, in fact, clearly the serious and necessary path for rescue and revival of the United States of America.
I am also sure that God will be understanding when the U.S.A., a reborn nation with revised borders, reaffirms the entire First Amendment and does not change its name at this time, even if well intended, to Jesusland.
I mute the sound when he is on.
Poor Alan, he's been under a lot of stress for the last 10 days. Hehehehe!
The red/blue divide is not state by state, but instead urban vs. suburban/rural. Cities where welfare recipients and liberal elites all live. I say cut all the liberal cities in the northeast and California loose and let them form their own frealy little havens of perversion.
It will be just like "Escape From New York".
That is THEE funniest thing I ever seen written about Alan.
I have tears! Thanks for the laugh.
This isn't the stuff of conspiracy theories, it's good politics.
Remember, Zoe Baird was up for Attorney General and was found to have an illegal servant. Kimba Wood (Zoe Baird's replacement) was up for Attorney General and was found to have an illegal servant. Linda Chavez was up for Labor Secretary and was found to have an illegal servent. The issue was raised when Michael Huffington ran against Dianne Feinstein for the Senate.
I like H&C, but I cannot STAND Alan Colmes. He is SO AWFUL. I always mute him when I watch.
Alan Colmes is an Idiot with a capital "I". You'd be better off talking to a box of rocks.
As of this AM: GWB 2,755,150 sKerry 2,885,077
KERRY, JOHN F. (DEM) 2,885,077
BUSH, GEORGE W. (REP) 2,755,150
BADNARIK, MICHAEL (LIB) 20,851
COBB, DAVID K. (GRN) 6,231
PEROUTKA, MICHAEL ANTHONY (CST) 6,499
Down to about 130,000 votes - within the margin of fraud LOL!
Unlikely that the overseas vote would close that to 0 or less.
I don't think the United States should give up any of its land mass. If liberals want to secede, then let them move to Canada on an individual basis. The rich liberals could provide the financial wherewithall to the poor liberals, so that they all could go.
Thanks for the information:
My response: Shucks---hoping against hope that the military vote would be enough to at least make Ed Rendell sweat about his state turning "red"...
It ain't BLUE STATES it is BLUE BIG CITIES
I'm in Illinois and I can confirm that.
AND, the ugliest man on the planet!!!!
I think you'll find that the rich liberals won't even walk the same streets as the poor liberals - that's a good part of their mutual problem.
"Does anyone listen to Colmes?"
I have tried to listen to his radio show, but can only take a couple of minutes before I change it. I don't watch Hannity and Colmes anymore because he pisses me off too much. My wife can't watch it because he looks like a freak.
Don't forget that Dasshole fell as well.
Every time Colmes opens his mouth, it is to project the worst qualities of Rats onto Conservatives. He'll usually be talking with some fringe lefty, while doing it.
Wouldn't you like to know how many blacks, Hispanics, and Asians are neighbors to Tubby Kennedy, F'n Kerry, Bubba, and Waddles Rodham Clinton?
The liberals basically tarred her as someone who should have reported/turned in the illegal individual for deportation, and her crime was failing to do so. But I don't think that Chavez hired the illegal.
Of course, befriending an illegal is a horrible thing (for a conservative) to do.
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