"Republican Baby"
"Soldier under Duress"
Posted on 11/28/2004 4:59:45 PM PST by patriciaruth
I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and
I need some fun jokes to go in them!
Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.
I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.
A: New Jersey got 1st pick.
I'm no good with jokes, but there are dozens of FReepers who are.
I met his blond that was so dumb she thought Taco Bell was the Mexican phone company...
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath.
"Mama. Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."
Play the Today Show feed the day after the election; there were more than 50 jokes and Cady's performance art (where she looked like she was passing a large pine cone) was priceless.
I can't ever remember jokes, but there are a lot of great jokes over on the "Backwoods Home" website under the humor section of the home page, good clean jokes.
Q: What do you call Senator Kerry -- after he finds out Araf's widow is worth $billions?
A: 'Eligible.'
:)
There was a big turnip at the funeral.
long and poor taste, but here's one:
Dear Sir or Ma'am:
I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18.22 clearly states it to be an
abomination to God.
However, I do need some advice from you regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how best to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25.44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21.7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of uncleanness (Leviticus15.19-24). The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord. (Leviticus 1.9) The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35.2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus11.10), it is a lesser abomination than others. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination?
7. Leviticus.21.20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus19.27. How should they die?
9. I know from Leviticus 11.6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean. May I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19.19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/poly blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Leviticus 24.10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, as we do with people who are caught breaking other laws? (Leviticus 20.14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Yours truly,
An Inquiring Supporter
P.S. I look forward to your answers because there are a number of other issues that I'd like to get settled as soon as you've enlightened me on these ... Thanks again.
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men.
Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything! Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the time of writing of this letter, a friend of mine has already received 189 women, of whom four were worth keeping.
REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.
An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again. Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the bottom of the list below!
> > Bill Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Billy Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Billie Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > B. Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> >
> > William Jefferson Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > W. Jefferson Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > W. Jeff Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > W. J. Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > W. Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > William J Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Wilhelm Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Willie Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Will Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Mr. Hillary Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Mr. Slick Willie Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
There's nothing worse than a doctor's snooty receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. Most of us have experienced this, here is the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't pee out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
Good one!
Why women live longer than men
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder.
She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Where upon the old lady answers, "we just love the chocolate around them."
A blonde walks into a bar... "ouch!"
Excellent!
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