Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

I need fifty JOKES for the TROOPS in Iraq and Afghanistan by tomorrow night!
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1273305/posts ^ | 11-28-04 | patriciaruth

Posted on 11/28/2004 4:59:45 PM PST by patriciaruth

I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and

I need some fun jokes to go in them!

Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.

I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.


TOPICS: Announcements; Foreign Affairs; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: afghanistan; army; band; care; carepackage; carepackages; christmas; christmasiniraq; funnies; funny; funnyjokes; humor; humorthread; iraq; joke; jokes; joking; justkidding; kidding; kirkuk; merry; merrybandofpatriots; military; package; patriot; patriots; pkg; soldier; soldiers; supportourtroops; troop; troops; troopsupport
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-80 ... 341-346 next last
To: patriciaruth

snort ;^)


41 posted on 11/28/2004 5:13:40 PM PST by mylife
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 32 | View Replies]

To: patriciaruth



Two Los Angeles blondes are gazing at the moon. One asks the other, "Which do you think is closer -- the moon or Florida?"

The other one says: "Duh! Can you SEE Florida?!"


42 posted on 11/28/2004 5:13:48 PM PST by 4Liberty (The price of Liberty is personal responsibility.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: patriciaruth

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996)

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."


43 posted on 11/28/2004 5:14:10 PM PST by Peach (The Clintons pardoned more terrorists than they ever captured or killed)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: mad_as_he$$

My brother sent that to me a couple weeks ago. I lost it.

THANK YOU!


44 posted on 11/28/2004 5:14:22 PM PST by patriciaruth (They are all Mike Spanns)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 16 | View Replies]

To: patriciaruth
I don't know if these qualify as "jokes", but you're welcome to use them, or not.

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fire - doesn't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
The enemy attacks on two occasions: when he's ready and when you're not.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds.
Never share a fighting hole with anyone braver than yourself.
When your attack is going really well, its an ambush.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready and when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a fighting hole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front and you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
The cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.
The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.
Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball game?
How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?
Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?
Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.
The enemy "always" times his attack to the second you drop your pants in the latrine.
The ammo you need NOW is on the "next" airdrop.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.

45 posted on 11/28/2004 5:14:38 PM PST by asgardshill (November 2004 - The Month That Just Kept On Giving)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Baynative

A mexican firefighter had twins, and called them Jose and Hose B.


46 posted on 11/28/2004 5:15:15 PM PST by expatpat
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: patriciaruth

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"


47 posted on 11/28/2004 5:15:35 PM PST by Peach (The Clintons pardoned more terrorists than they ever captured or killed)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: patriciaruth
One sunny day in 2005, an old man wearing a VFW hat approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."


The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine again told the veteran, respectfully, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old vet answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Sir, see you tomorrow, Sir!"
48 posted on 11/28/2004 5:15:41 PM PST by eyespysomething ("Life has a flavor the protected will never know...." Major Jason Muldoon)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: patriciaruth

Q: What did the cannibal do after he ate the Penicostal missionary?
A: He threw up his arms.


Q: What's the name of the existentialists' fraternity at Harvard?
A: Signa Phi Nothing.



49 posted on 11/28/2004 5:15:52 PM PST by Ahithophel (Padron@Anniversario)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: patriciaruth

Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?
A. Nothing, yet.

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ?
A: Turkey.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common ?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !

Q: What is the best Iraqi job ?
A: Foreign Ambassador

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,000.

Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo ?
A: B-52...F-16...A-10

Q: What is Iraq's national bird ?
A: Duck

Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile ?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats ?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss ?
A: He elected to receive.

Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map....


50 posted on 11/28/2004 5:16:23 PM PST by Peach (The Clintons pardoned more terrorists than they ever captured or killed)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: patriciaruth
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, ..............................................

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."


51 posted on 11/28/2004 5:16:31 PM PST by CHARLITE
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: SwatTeam

LOL!!


52 posted on 11/28/2004 5:16:38 PM PST by patriciaruth (They are all Mike Spanns)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 25 | View Replies]

To: patriciaruth
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one cannibal asks "Does this taste funny?"

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really IS a dog.

A baby seal walks into a club...

53 posted on 11/28/2004 5:17:23 PM PST by gorush (Exterminate the Moops!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: patriciaruth

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.

"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"


54 posted on 11/28/2004 5:17:42 PM PST by Peach (The Clintons pardoned more terrorists than they ever captured or killed)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Peach

Had to be New Jersey, huh???


55 posted on 11/28/2004 5:18:22 PM PST by Betteboop
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 33 | View Replies]

To: patriciaruth

Ah, yes divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem? - Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams



56 posted on 11/28/2004 5:18:47 PM PST by Peach (The Clintons pardoned more terrorists than they ever captured or killed)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Peach

Oh, my heavens! LOL!


57 posted on 11/28/2004 5:19:03 PM PST by patriciaruth (They are all Mike Spanns)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 33 | View Replies]

To: patriciaruth

Start with the 48 Democrat Senators. Add Jesse Jackson and Charles Rangel and you're there.


58 posted on 11/28/2004 5:19:33 PM PST by trek
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: patriciaruth

A dumb blonde went to the doctor. The doctor told her she was pregnant. The dumb blonde replied, "Are you sure it's mine?"


59 posted on 11/28/2004 5:19:36 PM PST by sonserae
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: IPWGOP

Can you help? :')


60 posted on 11/28/2004 5:19:46 PM PST by CindyDawg
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 4 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-80 ... 341-346 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson