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Accounts of exchanges: airline pilots and control towers around the world! (TOO FUNNY!)
Private Email | DECEMBER 10, 2004 | Unknown

Posted on 12/10/2004 2:44:08 PM PST by CHARLITE

Accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

====================================================

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

============================================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

============= =========================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f... ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

============================================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

============================================================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

============================================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

============================================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

============================================================

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

============================================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

============================================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

=========================================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

============================================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

===========================================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: airlinehumor; airlines; commercial; controltowers; conversations; crew; landings; pilots; takeoffs
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1 posted on 12/10/2004 2:44:10 PM PST by CHARLITE
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To: CHARLITE

I read a story a long time ago about a pilot who would say to the tower in Biloxi "Guess who?" After this happened a few times, someone turned off the runway lights and said "Biloxi; guess where?"


2 posted on 12/10/2004 2:47:01 PM PST by annyokie (If the shoe fits, put 'em both on!)
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To: CHARLITE

Great Stuff!


3 posted on 12/10/2004 2:48:24 PM PST by aviator (Armored Pest Control)
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To: Conspiracy Guy
Now that's funny!
4 posted on 12/10/2004 2:49:43 PM PST by secret garden (Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.)
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To: CHARLITE; Americanwolfsbrother

Love them funny as heck... especially the dreaded 7 engine approach comment.


5 posted on 12/10/2004 2:51:40 PM PST by Americanwolf (Democratic Underground... Digital Crack for the the loony left.....Hey troll! Put the pipe down!)
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To: Americanwolf

I was hoping someone would explain that one to the rest of us nonaviators...


6 posted on 12/10/2004 2:53:23 PM PST by secret garden (Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.)
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To: aviator

We need a smile or two these days! I had a good laugh at this and have copied to send to a few friends so they, too, can enjoy it!


7 posted on 12/10/2004 2:54:17 PM PST by Andika
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To: CHARLITE; mhking; MeekOneGOP; trussell; atomicpossum
This is hysterical, I'll haul some friends in.

Once upon a time there was Braniff Airlines, and God only knows why they decided to paint their planes in pastels. Powder blue, blushing pink, all that kind of stuff. The Love Field airport people in Dallas had a good time. One Braniff pilot asked if he could make take-off and was told, "Yes, dear. Ta-ta!"

8 posted on 12/10/2004 2:55:10 PM PST by xJones
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To: secret garden
The military plane was a single engine aircraft.

The other plane had 7 engines.

That one cracked me up. ;o)

9 posted on 12/10/2004 2:55:28 PM PST by dixiechick2000 (President Bush is a mensch in cowboy boots.)
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To: CHARLITE
"Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

They  do have a tendency to forget that at times.

10 posted on 12/10/2004 2:56:41 PM PST by Radix (This Tag Line is completely self referential, except for the part where you are mentioned.)
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To: CHARLITE
"Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

hehehehe!!

11 posted on 12/10/2004 2:57:12 PM PST by luv2ndamend
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To: dixiechick2000
Oooooh, now I get it! Thanks DC!
12 posted on 12/10/2004 2:57:38 PM PST by secret garden (Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.)
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To: secret garden
B-52's have eight engines.
13 posted on 12/10/2004 2:57:57 PM PST by OSHA (Actual DUer-I am so proud and excited! Let the recount and Inauguration of President Kerry begin!)
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To: HairOfTheDog; Inge_CAV; AnAmericanMother

funny fly stuff:')


14 posted on 12/10/2004 2:58:06 PM PST by CindyDawg (Hey aclu... Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! :'~))
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To: CHARLITE

This is hilarious!
I'm gonna send it off to
hubby to pass along to
his old squadron buddies.

Thanks for the post, and
the laffs. ;o)


15 posted on 12/10/2004 2:58:07 PM PST by dixiechick2000 (President Bush is a mensch in cowboy boots.)
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To: secret garden

You're very welcome. ;o)

Actually, I should have said
7 working engines.


16 posted on 12/10/2004 2:59:25 PM PST by dixiechick2000 (President Bush is a mensch in cowboy boots.)
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To: CHARLITE

bump for later...


17 posted on 12/10/2004 3:01:08 PM PST by Lx (If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?)
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To: secret garden

My guess is the pilot of the fighter jet was in either a single engine (f-16) or duel engine jet (f-15) if their engines are not working properly they become nothing more then a heavy piece of metal defying gravity and losing. where as the B-52 has eight engines. and if it is minus 1 it can still fly as long as it has fuel..

Basically the fighter pilot was saying... Oh yeah his emergency with 7 engines is going to be more dangerous then my semi function fighter... with a lot of tounge in cheek. :)

the fight jock always think they take precident over all other military aircraft... the are also notoriously stingy about how their aircraft are... I have seen pilots try to have there jets grounded due to the smallest problems, but that is for another thread...(btw to all fighter pilots out there.. I know you all are not like that, just the air force ones...) (j/k ... love all you guys thanks for the service.)


18 posted on 12/10/2004 3:01:35 PM PST by Americanwolf (Democratic Underground... Digital Crack for the the loony left.....Hey troll! Put the pipe down!)
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To: Americanwolf

I am learning quite a bit this evening. All I knew about planes before was that I needed benadryl to fly without white knuckles. Thanks!


19 posted on 12/10/2004 3:04:05 PM PST by secret garden (Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.)
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To: xJones; PhilDragoo; devolve; Happy2BMe
haha! Airline humor!


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"



20 posted on 12/10/2004 3:04:45 PM PST by MeekOneGOP (There is only one GOOD 'RAT: one that has been voted OUT of POWER !! Straight ticket GOP! )
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To: CHARLITE

Too bad there are no examples of radio exchanges at any French airport.


21 posted on 12/10/2004 3:05:43 PM PST by Paladin2 (SeeBS News - We Decide, We Create, We Report - In that order! - ABC - Already Been Caught)
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To: CHARLITE

Bump.


22 posted on 12/10/2004 3:06:38 PM PST by sport
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To: CHARLITE; Honestly; Velveeta; Calpernia; lacylu; Letitring

LOL ping.


23 posted on 12/10/2004 3:07:00 PM PST by nw_arizona_granny (Today, please pray for God's miracle, we are not going to make it without him.)
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To: secret garden

no prob... I love flying and all thing avaition...but I still get white knuckles at times too! :)


24 posted on 12/10/2004 3:07:14 PM PST by Americanwolf (Democratic Underground... Digital Crack for the the loony left.....Hey troll! Put the pipe down!)
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To: secret garden

Serious? Ok, here goes....

A B52 has 8 engines (4 to a wing) and the fighter jet had only one. His brillantly sarcastic quip was a perfect example of a jet jockey ponting to the percieved arrogance of the Buffs' "bus driver" mentality. Declare an emergency when 1/8 of the Buffs engines are out versus his 100% problem with his only engine. This is pretty typical of the banter that goes back and forth between the differnt types of aircrews out there.

Hopefully, my flame retardant underwear will protect me from all of the "bus drivers" I just po'ed out there in freeperland....


25 posted on 12/10/2004 3:08:14 PM PST by jettester (I got paid to break 'em - not fly 'em)
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To: CHARLITE

I was an air traffic controller assigned to the Berlin Air Route Traffic Control Center for '84-'88. This is the facility that worked all traffic to and from Berlin through the 3 Berlin Air Corridors, mostly French, British, and US airliners. What a lot of people did not know was that there were about 15 Soviet and East German Mig bases located in the corridors. Their traffic would fly through the corridors without any coordination or control from us. Naturally, whenever we saw their traffic in the corridors we would issue it to our traffic. One night a buddy of mine was working the enroute sector and must have had a fairly new British pilot. Behind him was a Pan Am aircraft. A Mig decided he wanted to come up behind the British aircraft and see what he looked like. The controller kept giving the British pilot traffic on the Mig. Slowly, the Mig closed the distance behind the British aircraft so naturally the controller gave him that info. You could tell that the British pilot was getting a little nervous with this Mig flying a few miles directly behind him and finally asked the controller what he should do. Before the controller could say anything, the Pan Am pilot, who must have been from Texas, came on the frequency and said "Ya'll oughta just go back and flush your toilets!" It took a while to pick the controller up off the floor he was laughing so hard.


26 posted on 12/10/2004 3:08:48 PM PST by ops33 (Retired USAF Senior Master Sergeant)
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To: CHARLITE

Oh, my gut is busting.... I've read some of this before. I believe it was in a book written by a "sled" driver (U-2 pilot).


27 posted on 12/10/2004 3:08:56 PM PST by caisson71
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To: CHARLITE

I received this email recently




 

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!

    (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena AFB, Japan.)

 

You've never been lost, until you've been lost at Mach 3.

    (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

 

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

 

From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the  sky.

 

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,  it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

 

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power  left to get you to the scene of the crash.

 

Without  ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

 

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers  and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

 

Never trade luck for skill.

 

The two most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", and "Where are we?"

 

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

 

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

 

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is  prevarication.

 

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

 

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries

 

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

 

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

 

Just remember, if  you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

 

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang  (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

 

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.

    (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test  pilot)

 

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.

    (Jon McBride,  astronaut)

 

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.

    (Bob Hoover -  renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

 

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.

  (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

 

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

 

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.

    (Sign over squadron  perations desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.)

 

If  something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

 

Basic Flying Rules. Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

 
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the  terminal."

 


28 posted on 12/10/2004 3:09:18 PM PST by Vermonter
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To: Paladin2

"Too bad there are no examples of radio exchanges at any French airport."

LOL! Just for giggles, we should make them speak German, too! ;)


29 posted on 12/10/2004 3:10:14 PM PST by Diana in Wisconsin (Save The Earth. It's The Only Planet With Chocolate.)
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To: CHARLITE

Reminds me or private pilot jokes.

Explaining the parts of the plane to a newbie, "This is the prop. It is what keeps the pilot cool."

"How?"

"Well, if it stops, you'll see the pilot start sweating profusely!"



Tis better to have a full tank and an empty bladder than the other way around.


30 posted on 12/10/2004 3:12:27 PM PST by UCANSEE2 (>)
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To: krogers58

ping for later


31 posted on 12/10/2004 3:12:57 PM PST by krogers58
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To: luv2ndamend

That was my favorite too. Some real funny ones.


32 posted on 12/10/2004 3:15:02 PM PST by Betis70 (I'm only Left Wing when I play hockey)
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To: CHARLITE
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

BWAHAHAHAHAHA ...... love that one.

33 posted on 12/10/2004 3:15:18 PM PST by Centurion2000 (Truth, Justice and the Texan Way)
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To: CHARLITE

Chicago control tower: Lufthansa 727, you are cleared to take off please take off.

Captain of Lufthansa 727: My manifest does not agree with my passenger count; I will not depart until it does.

Another pilot from an American airline: Have you checked your ovens?

Lufthansa pilot: I refuse to take off until I receive an apology from the person who just called in.

Another airline pilot: This is Captain Smith from American Smith Airlines - I apologize.

The German pilot took off.


34 posted on 12/10/2004 3:16:20 PM PST by matchwood
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To: secret garden
All I knew about planes before was that I needed benadryl to fly without white knuckles. Thanks!

*************

Does that really work? I have to fly after the first of the year and am terrified.

35 posted on 12/10/2004 3:18:02 PM PST by trisham
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To: CHARLITE

btt


36 posted on 12/10/2004 3:21:34 PM PST by KSCITYBOY
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To: jettester

that is ok if you go read my post I flammed all the jet jocks... :)


37 posted on 12/10/2004 3:24:23 PM PST by Americanwolf (Democratic Underground... Digital Crack for the the loony left.....Hey troll! Put the pipe down!)
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To: CHARLITE

LMAO PING!


38 posted on 12/10/2004 3:25:41 PM PST by Zippo44 (A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.)
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To: CHARLITE

Very funny stuff. I particularly liked the one regarding "sound abatement". Too funny!


39 posted on 12/10/2004 3:26:03 PM PST by Constitutional Patriot (Socialism is the cancer of humanity.)
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To: Vermonter

Generally on all Air Force aircraft there are allowable leaks. Most maintenance sections usually fix any leak, even the ones within tolerance. The Navy has a different standard. They say if a system on the plane isn't leaking, then it's empty.


40 posted on 12/10/2004 3:26:19 PM PST by Hillarys Gate Cult (This space for rant)
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To: CHARLITE
I was sitting on a plane in Newark (NJ) during a long delay and the pilot put the cockpit radio on one of the channels in the passenger compartment and I decided to listen to it. A line of thunderstorms had appeared from Canada to Tennessee so nothing was having much luck going West (the plane I was on never actually took off -- they were itchy to leave because they were close to FAA time limits and didn't make it).

In any event, at one point, one of the other pilots asked for clearance to Route 78 to just drive the plane West because it would be faster. The tower responded, "He knows where he's going."

41 posted on 12/10/2004 3:28:57 PM PST by Question_Assumptions
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To: ops33
You could tell that the British pilot was getting a little nervous with this Mig flying a few miles directly behind him and finally asked the controller what he should do. Before the controller could say anything, the Pan Am pilot, who must have been from Texas, came on the frequency and said "Ya'll oughta just go back and flush your toilets!"

"I was a rear gunner for British Airways."

42 posted on 12/10/2004 3:29:23 PM PST by Polybius
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To: CHARLITE
My father was a career pilot in the Air Force. He told me about an Alaskan bush pilot who was asked, "What do you do if you are IFR (instruments in clouds) at night over the Alaskan mountains and your engine quits?"

The response was, "Check your position on your chart and begin a controlled descent. Determine the elevation of the terrain beneath your position. When you reach an altitude approximately 100 feet above the terrain, turn your landing light on. If you don't like what you see, turn it off."

43 posted on 12/10/2004 3:29:29 PM PST by NoControllingLegalAuthority
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To: annyokie

Oh, yeah. Gotta mark this one.


44 posted on 12/10/2004 3:31:13 PM PST by Alien Gunfighter (Draw!)
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To: CHARLITE

Very funny stuff ;-)


45 posted on 12/10/2004 3:32:18 PM PST by Right_in_Virginia
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To: Hillarys Gate Cult

Yup... Us navy boys couldn't read gauges very well.. :)


46 posted on 12/10/2004 3:32:26 PM PST by Americanwolf (Democratic Underground... Digital Crack for the the loony left.....Hey troll! Put the pipe down!)
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To: hchutch
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

A "that said it all" ping (c8

47 posted on 12/10/2004 3:33:17 PM PST by Poohbah (Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women!)
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To: secret garden
I was hoping someone would explain that one to the rest of us nonaviators...

B-52s have eight engines. One shutting down isn't exactly a life-threatening crisis.

48 posted on 12/10/2004 3:34:02 PM PST by Poohbah (Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women!)
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To: Americanwolf
Three months after I got my Private Pilate, 'Mommy' (my flight instructor) who was an American Airlines dispatcher left us at the Mobile Ala airport in my C182 to deadhead home.

We are going to fly from there a short hop to Edwards in Gulf Shores.

I am serious nervous.

My wife hops in the right seat with our Golden Retriever almost out of his sedative in the back.

I successfully call for taxi clearance, successfully call for take off clearance, and about three minutes into the flight:

I decided maybe I ought to contact clearance...with more than impatience, he said "Did you try to contact me?". "Yes sir, I must have some radio problems".

"You stay at this altitude!".

The moral of the story is that Pilots learn to tell fibs when they screw up.

Finally, when I got back home and told 'Mommy", I got serious training on clearances flying through Class B air space as in DFW Airport.

49 posted on 12/10/2004 3:35:02 PM PST by oldtimer
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To: ops33
Brought back memories...used to fly that corridor all the time in the 70's and those MIGS loved using us for target practice and frankly scary the bejesus out of us. You folks would give us traffic as we humped along at about 250 knots and then a MIG would fill the windscreen as they went vertical...I remember they had a back course ILS as you entered the corridors from West Germany and if you got off centerline we promptly got a call from you folks. Great job..Thanks
50 posted on 12/10/2004 3:37:50 PM PST by RVN Airplane Driver (Thanks America for not slapping us in the face again.)
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