Posted on 12/17/2004 9:25:01 AM PST by John Robertson
My wife and I just got word from my daughter's college that we will be shocked when we see her tonight, when she gets home for Christmas break. We were fairly shocked at Thanksgiving, at the weight she'd dropped. Her personality is off, she has lost her sense of humor, has mood swings, her menstruation has stopped, she can barely sleep. She's eating, but not much. A few granola bars a day, and water. She is not skeletal, certainly, but way too thin, and her "spark" is gone. She may or may not be taking some vitamin supplements we got her. Though she is not officially diagnosed, she exhibits enough signs of the syndrome that saying, "Let's wait and see" is simply major denial. She's got it. My wife is scrambling right now, looking for the right local program or specialist in our area (Pittsburgh) to deal with her. The situation is dire.
It depends on the anti-depressant. Prozac can be effectively used in treating eating disorders...but it has to be monitored by someone on a continual basis.
Talk to her roommate or colleague friends in private. I'm sure they will let you know of any bizarre behavior.
One of my best friends is a recovering anorexic. She was atypical in that she just didn't have interest in food. It wasn't about body image or control, just didn't care what or if she ate. She is 4'11" and was down to 67 lbs.
She spent 6 weeks at the Renfrew Clinic in Philadelphia (http://www.renfrew.org/) on bed rest. It completely changed her life. She is past her goal weight and actually started watching what she ate (she's healthy now, but doesn't want to go in the other direction!)
First, take your daughter out of college. She apparently can't take care of herself right now and needs help.
Be sure to take care of this soon! One of the many side effects, even after getting healthy, is osteoporosis. My friend is 31 now, and even after 4 years of calcium and osteo drugs, still has the bones of a coman in her mid-60's. She will never be able to be pregnant (the baby could crack her spine and delivery can fracture her pelvis.)
THat's the worse thing to do in my opinion. A friend of mines son was put on 'anti-depresants' 15 years ago....he was dependent on them and was ALWAYS depressed anyway. Those drugs are over-prescribed. Instead of letting the person work out there problems normally...they give them drugs. Anyway...he committed suicide last month.
I have two daughters who suffer with this. One has it under control and is doing really well, but it is a battle for her and always will be. The other has me worried and scared right now. One thing you need to know is - your daughter will lie, lie, lie to you. Do not take her word on anything to do with this problem - that includes drugs. She is probably taking diet pills and diuretics.
You need to let her know of your love for her, and that you approve of her no matter what. She will find her balance eventually, but you need to be watchful and loving to help her survive until then.
She may be using the computer to find friends to share experiences and encourage the problem. Watch that - that can be dangerous.
Good luck and God bless!
HUGE ISSUE.
TOOOOOOO MANY UNKNOWNS TO DECIDE. I'd want a detached-from-family memer--a therapist to explore that issue. Also a trusted friend or 3 to explore it with the daughter.
It COULD make it worse to do what you suggest. CONTROL is a big issue. If the daughter wants to stay in that school and is forced to leave--it would cause her to feel EVEN MORE OUT OF CONTROL AND EVEN MORE COMPELLED TO CONTROL/LIMIT her food intake.
Get her out of the college -- she needs a change of environment, since apparently the problem started there.
DO NOT let her run your family's life, forcing everything to revolve around her refusal to eat normally, her deteriorating medical condition, etc. Aside from being harmful to the whole family, it won't do any good, and will probably exacerbate her psychological condition. Gymnast Christy Henrich died after several years of anorexia -- just a couple of weeks before her death, she won a "negotiation" with her mother, who agreed to take her to a gym so she could work out, after Christy said she thought she "might be able to eat something" if she worked out first. It says something about the relationship that the family had allowed to develop, that with Christy very close to death, they were still letting her control them with insane demands.
You've got a tougher road than if your daughter was under 18, since it will be legally difficult to force her into any treatment or living location that she doesn't agree to, except for very brief periods when a court finds that her life is in imminent danger -- a couple of days in the hospital and a couple of pounds gained, and she'll be out of danger (for the moment) and free to leave and start refusing to eat again. Hopefully, you have financial control over her, and can use that effectively. Don't give any rewards for eating, give rewards only for actually gaining weight (anorexics will often go to great lengths to avoid weight gain, vomiting in secret after eating a little in front of people who are demanding it, etc.). More to the point, withhold anything she wants that you can possibly control, until she meets weight gain benchmarks.
Consult with a physician who is experienced with anorexia, and find out what weekly weight gain amount is safe and realistically possible. Then make it clear to your daughter that she is getting NOTHING she wants from you if she doesn't keep to the weight gain schedule. Make it clear that if she behaves like an irresponsible child, refusing to attend to basic health/life functions, you will regard her as an irresponsible child.
And don't let her go back to school until she has regained ALL the weight she needs to, and a doctor certifies that there is no benefit to any further gain. I've been paying attention to this disorder and the various approaches to handling it for many years (I was involved in ballet and gymnastics, and also went to the sort of highly competitive prep school where this disorder was all too common), and one of the most common mistakes I've seen is the pattern of anorexics being allowed to return to "life as usual" as soon as they gain enough to be out of imminent danger of death. But at that weight level, the body chemistry is still severely whacked out, and the brain continues to function as if it's in starvation mode, failing to produce the hormones that drive normal hunger, and thus convincing the anorexic that she really doesn't need to eat more.
Anorexics are usually very goal-oriented. One of their goals is thinness and absolute control over their eating. However, most are driven to achieve in other areas as well -- some in a sport or modeling, or something like that, others in academics. Try to structure things so that any financial or logistical support for any of your daughter's non-anorexia goals is strictly and explicitly tied to gaining weight. The goal-orientedness needs to be redirected, with the person forced to view weight gain as essential part of reaching the goal(s).
Steer clear of tocuhy-feely type therapists. They seem to be the most common style in "treating" anorexia, but it's hard not to notice that most anorexics don't get well for many years, and some of course die. While it's true that the anorexic needs to develop a sense of control over her life, to replace the role dieting/overexercising is playing in her life, there's a big place for the "tough love" approach. Let her control whatever she wants to about her life, if and only if she's gaining weight. Let weight gain become the ticket to control.
simple - she needs and wants a boyfriend.
Unless the clergyman is a trained, skilled, experienced professional, this is way out of their league.
They can be useful adjunct, at best, imho.
And I'm a big fan of clergymen helping in family problems.
Prayers on the way for your daughter, and prayers for you and your wife in dealing with her illness.
best wishes-
unfortunately these things are largely genetic- to be able to survive on very little food is a huge advantage at a time of famine- nearly all of history.
Be wary of quick fixes and psychobabble.
love is necessary, but not sufficient.
Well, I was thinking along the lines of a clergyman who may be able to help convince her to get other help.
"simple - she needs and wants a boyfriend."
No, it is not simple, and that's probably not what she wants. There are people here giving this man good advice. Your simplistic little message demonstrates nothing except that you do not understand anorexia.
Go do some research.
http://www.aboutchronicwellness.com/symptoms.htm
CERTAINLY PROFESSIONAL HELP IS CRUCIAL.
However, a message board is also a good supplement. There's a wealth of experience on FR and even the diversity of inputs from many creative therapists can be good. Even as a professional and even if I were also seeing another professional--I'd also seek input from FREEPERS. They're the best on about any topic or problem.
My daughter is not yet six, and although we've been blessed with a healthy and beautiful girl, I know the long road is only beginning. I'll keep your daughter in my prayers. Best of luck to your family.
Back in my single/dating days, I was regularly appalled at the fact that the *most attractive* women always thought their hips were too big, etc. To put it another way, the GAY fashion industry, which picks BOY-like women as models and puts them on a pedestal for all to emulate, has convinced most women that their normal, sexy, feminine body curves are unattractive! Often I could not convince them otherwise.
It may be a satanic plot to set the standard of physical fitness so far out of reach that (a) women who care enough about fitness to work hard at it, will destroy themselves shooting for an unnatural standard, and (b) many other women will try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, and finally give up on physical fitness completely, thus contributing to our worsening national obesity epidemic. Either way, the anorexic/gay standard is the enemy of real fitness and real beauty.
I am certainly not a professional so defer to whatever the professionals say, but it seems to me that if you could just expose the fashion-fag lie for what it is, and persuade her that her natural body curves (assuming she wasn't overweight before) are more attractive to heterosexual men, that might help. Maybe even ask her, "Do you get asked out *more*, or *less*, since you lost all this weight?"
The school likely can require treatment as a condition of continued enrollment.
And, if she's far enough dreadfully along, a court order can be obtained because she's a danger to herself.
The school likely can require treatment as a condition of continued enrollment.
And, if she's far enough dreadfully along, a court order can be obtained because she's a danger to herself.
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