Skip to comments.Doc Farmer's End of the Year Bric-a-Brac
Posted on 12/29/2004 12:34:40 PM PST by CHARLITE
This is sort of a quiet time of year for most people. Most news organizations do that tired old that was the year that was review, telling you all the stuff that you went through in the previous twelve months, as if your attention spans had been MTVd down to around the goldfish level. Youre still sorting through all the wrapping paper you used at Christmas, hoping that your local Earth Liberation Front cell doesnt get back at you for your blatant destruction of the forests by burning your house down. Youre still recovering from having relatives come and visit you (it takes my folks about two weeks to recuperate from me, poor things), or youre still waiting for striking airline workers to return your luggage. Youre stocking up for New Years, of course - vodka, chips, scotch, dip, gin, nuts, vermouth, olives, rum, lemon slices, beer, Alka-Seltzer, wine, Vicodin, and a gift certificate to the Betty Ford Clinic (by the way, a sincere and hearty Get Well Soon to George Carlin).
Most of your colleagues have taken the week off, your plant is in shutdown mode, or you just cant be arsed to get out of bed this week.
After the year weve all had, you feel like your get up and go has got up and went. Youre sort of cruising through the last seven days of this year. Thats how I feel, anyway.
So, this article wont be very topical. I was going to rip Jan Egeland a new one for calling America stingy regarding our tsunami-relief efforts, but others have done that rather well. Besides, Ive demanded the ouster of the United Nations at least twice this year already, so Ive bagged my limit (note to VRWC: please increase this to four times next year!). Im going to look back a bit, not at the stuff we already know about, but at the stuff we never got around to asking, that maybe we should have.
Remember that guy who used to work for Clinton, and ended up stuffing secret documents in his pants and socks? What happened to him? Has he been arrested yet? And if not, why not?
In that same vein, is Janet Reno still alive? She used to have a pretty popular dance party, from what I recall.
Why havent scientists discovered how much wood a wood chuck chucks if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Ive asked this earlier in the year, I know, but youd think one of these yutzes would have cottoned on to getting a juicy government grant for this.
Has anyone figured out why The Passion of the Christ hasnt sprung up with a bunch of sequels, prequels or copy-cat movies yet? Normally, Hollyweird gravitates toward money, after all.
Whither the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth? Granted, they did the country a great service by exposing John Kerrys duplicity, lies and treason. Why havent they followed up and provided testimony for a criminal indictment? These guys dont leave jobs half-done, usually.
Why cant we have Mad Warthogs Disease? Most people like cows, and dislike warthogs. It just seems unfair to make cows bear the brunt of bad press. Speaking of that, why is it called Mad Cow Disease? Are they walking down the streets mumbling to themselves? Do they go up to the top of towers with high-powered rifles? Do they bomb McDonalds and Outback Steakhouses? Mad, indeed.
We had an election this year, and proved that some people still cant count. Somebody go back in the archives and dig up that idea I had about using lottery machines in the next election. Utah doesnt have the lottery, of course, but they dont really need machines. I mean, how long can it take them to tally up 1,438 votes by hand? Get a few of the wives to help.
By the way, I believe a number of people expressed an interest to emigrate to Canada or Europe when the election didnt go their way. So why the hell are they still here? North American Van Lines is at 1-800-823-0392, Mayflower is at 1-800-299-1700, U-Haul is at 1-800-468-4285, etc. Hell, Ill even help some of you bozos pack!
End of year stories usually include top ten lists. So how did Arafats death rate above Ronald Reagans demise? Kinda tells you where the medias priorities are, doesnt it?
Shouldnt there be a law that all these end of year top ten lists can only be compiled and presented by David Letterman? Frankly, hell do a much better job than those other guys.
When will Fox News finally stop Susan Estrich and Alan Colmes from hitting each other with ugly sticks? When will CBS News finally announce that Dan Rathers replacement is going to be Baghdad Bob?
When will ABC News finally admit that Sam Donaldson got his hair the same place as Elton John? By the way, somebody please trim those anti-Christ eyebrows of his. There was supposedly a reality show this year that re-did Gilligans Island. So why didnt they just leave the castaways there and spare us having to watch? I hope Bob Denver sues TBS for besmirching the good name of his character.
How many of you have had enough reality by the bye? I mean, the only real reality this year was Janet Jacksons Nipplegate (unless those were implants, of course).
Did you hear that some lady cloned her cat for $50 grand? Why not clone something useful instead? Like Regis Philbin. As much as hes on TV, he must need a bit of a rest.
Are the truth in advertising laws still in effect? Cause if they are, somebody had better rename Everybody Loves Raymond to Almost Everybody Loves Raymond. Frankly, I dont even like Raymond all that much.
Is Michael Moore still alive? If so, why? I half expect him to explode, a la Mr. Creosote in Monty Pythons Meaning of Life - I just hope nobody videos that. The movie version was bad enough.
Before I forget, is Moore actually campaigning to get an Oscar? I still remember when he won the Palm dOr in Cannes. He deserved the Palm dMerde, quite frankly. Still does.
Oh, did you hear that there was a scholarly study this year that objectively proved there is a strong liberal bias in the news media? You didnt? Gee, I wonder why that wasnt reported....
Have a Happy, Healthy and Blessèd New Year, everybody!
About the Writer: Doc Farmer is a writer and humorist who is also a moderator on ChronWatch's Forum. He formerly lived in Saudi Arabia and Qatar, but now resides in the Midwest. Doc receives e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org