Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Zinga!! LOL
Our friend successfully adopted from Romania. US adoption agencies wouldn't consider them because the wife was 36 and the husband 65.
Here is a clue: If your tax dollars are going in, nothing is ever likely going to come out. Once a tax sink, always a tax sink.
Yeah, I know you will all likely crow loudly about financial aid, but 1) it isn't a significant part of the budget and 2) those people will more than repay the investment in future taxes.
Then say so. There's no shame in that.
Why do parents think they need to pay for college in the first place?
Okay, but where is the "selfishness"?
Fifty years ago, women didn't generally work outside the home. Should we go back to that as "normal"? Well, we'd lose almost half of our workforce if we did.
Perhaps we should go back to horses and buggies? I mean, these days there are just so many gosh darn choices in travel. In my grandpappy's day, we never traveled more than 30 miles from home. So why should we travel more than 30 miles from home today?
There are more choices available to people today in terms of careers, travel, medicine, and, yes, whether or not to have children. You can thank birth control for that.
A hundred years ago, 1/3 of women died in childbirth. I bet many women back then would have decided to have fewer kids or no kids if they had the choice.
My wife and I have been married over 24 years...and yes we do not have children either. There were a number of reasons but when it got right down to it we simply did not have a desire to have children. And we thought that important -- for the children, they are a huge investment in time and energy and we were both children of much older parents, who didn't have that much time or energy left.
We don't make it a cause celebre or advocate our choices for anyone else - it's probably the wrong choice for most people, because most people, I suspect, really want children. And we don't apologize for our decisions either. It just worked for us. That's it.
My wife and I have been married over 24 years...and yes we do not have children either. There were a number of reasons but when it got right down to it we simply did not have a desire to have children. And we thought that important -- for the children, they are a huge investment in time and energy and we were both children of much older parents, who didn't have that much time or energy left.
We don't make it a cause celebre or advocate our choices for anyone else - it's probably the wrong choice for most people, because most people, I suspect, really want children. And we don't apologize for our decisions either. It just worked for us. That's it.
Thanks.... both times you said it... I wasn't really asking you to explain yourselves, just thinking maybe you thought like ecurbh and me, with your own reasons :~D
Of course you wouldn't trade the time investment! That is a choice you made.
And, if I guess correctly, the choice on your part was not of an investment equation.
By the way, the quotes were meaningful-child rearing is probably more difficult and complex than trying to split the atom with a dull butter knife!
I am a Hospice nurse, who has cared for many dying people with children too busy to be there for the people that gave them life. "I can only come once, when should I plan to be there.?" Gosh, I wish I had God's confidence.
Dang Abby,
You sound a bit fembotty dear.
Do you really feel that strongly about all this?
You are right though ...our economy is addicted to large numbers of moms in the workforce. Sudden withdrawal would be painful.
Why do women have careers and men have jobs or work?
Why do women need validating beyond being good wives and moms? I get my validation from being a good dad-husband-provider....truthfully I don't even seek validation...I just do it...like Nike.
Oh well...name your dinosaur..me.
Ohioan,
more culture stuff, have you seen this?
my wife put me out to pasture after 4 (2 with her).....are we selfish?
in this modern age, it's more up to the gal....i've tried bribery (big toys and shiny stuff)and even promised a v-cut (trembling as I type that)....but I am still lashed to port.
life is not fair.
procreation is the raison de voire for many of us.
I came from a dysfunctional family -- my father was a monster and my mother was an enabler -- and I left home at the earliest possibility and never looked back. After my father’s death, I found out about the family secret: A particularly vicious form of inherited manic depression that led to a suicide (and other scandals) in the family that nobody wanted to talk about. But my sister and I should have been told when we reached adulthood.
My sister married a good man (pure luck!) and trashed her marriage when bipolar disorder hit at age 30. (The womenfolk in the family all manifest at that age.) Her adult son is an intellectual and emotional basket case, and her adult daughter ran for dear life to get away from her mother at the first possible occasion. (Wait until she hits 30!)
I never married, made a total mess of every relationship and finally had myself sterilized to make sure the family curse stopped with me.
I don't look down on those who reproduce. But I do look down on those who look down on those who don't reproduce. There is a thing called Responsibility, and I respect those who honor it.
Some people just shouldn't have children.
Yes.
Well, we'd lose almost half of our workforce if we did.
Wages would then increase.
Bless you for your work. I know it's not an easy job.
God bless and help you. We are having hospice care here at home for my 90 year old father-in-law. Of course, we are oddballs, with a stay at home mama, and two boys in home school; but having these wonderful folks coming in, and on call to help the old man's last days is such a blessing.
Of course, he could have chosen not to have kids....
I'm going to say that is not accurate the way it is stated.
well, i'm no feminist--i believe in stay-at-home-moms--but, my father died when i was a pre-teen, and i vowed that i would not be put in the position that my mom--a great wife and mother--found herself in, which was little education and a low-paying job. i don't need the validation...i need the security. [i also need a keyboard for my ipaq so i can use caps and punctuations correctly]
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