Posted on 01/22/2005 5:15:48 PM PST by B4Ranch
Retrosexuals: A New Kind of Man by The Idea Man May 4, 2004
Please allow me to vent. I have had it! I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more!
Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual -- bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the "Retrosexual" movement.
The Code:
A Retrosexual man, no matter what the woman insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that only loosely fit that term because they are biologically female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat; he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still reading,learning, growing and can manage a drink now and again, I salute you. If you are still having sex with your wife, you are a legend.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly two endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic or Abercrombie when he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" or "Queen" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a frou-frou, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT, and, when you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor or half Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor style knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound that he can brag about.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a hole straight, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus, it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up."
Crying: There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a good bird dog, loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Ford truck or Jeep.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you low-life" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married, engaged or in a serious healthy relationship, e.g., hunting, fishing, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance, or occasional drink.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (heck, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his vehicle in a snow bank.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he darned well wanted it to land. Except on his truck --that would happen only because of a "force of nature," and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL WITH IT, or do both.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any woman but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's). NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!
This is the code of ethics for the Retrosexual man.
THE IDEA MAN
Okay. I like it. Much better than the metrosexual thing.
Tell me where this still occurs. I'm curious.
I have Had enough of the FART FLOWER movement too!! Little Pansy Prancers decorating rooms, it's sickening. I would say they should wear dresses and other female type clothes with make up, but>>> Lipstick on a PIG is all that comes to mind! I want to wretch!
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" or "Queen" in the title.
Hey I like "King of Queens"! I guess I am not a retrosexual.
Thanks for the read. That girl(married woman with child) really nailed it(except for the tie). Now, where are the pictures?
Where do I get me one-a those?
She just made a lot of men here real happy.
a man doesn't need any other name
Total agreement bump.
Damn, I'm 25 for 25. And here I thought I was just a Neanderthal.
Do you get any extra points for belching or other bodily emissions?
Mr. Gun is SOOOOOOOOO retro, I think he's lapped himself....twice......
What do you expect in a media-centric world where the apex of success is the achievement of 'Celebrity'. Let's face it, society is more like a third grade elementary school class of years ago than a thinking, self secure conglomeration of humans.
The continual redefinition of traditional roles and societal structures is the logical outcome in any society dominated by a group of thought leaders and self-styled 'Experts' who take over the task of thinking for large parts of an all too acquiescent population.
It happens where ever there are "Retrosexual Males" around. Santa Francisca is completely devoid of them thus manly females take their place commonly known as "Dykes".
Ask a feminist.
Any bus I am on if the woman is pregnant. Why? Because pregnant women generally are not man-hating militant lesbians.
The last time I was on a local train in New Orlean with my wife a man stood up and gave her his seat. Two years ago.
Ditto.......I never changed, but the rest of the world seemed to.
Not in the presence of a lady you don't.
There are no presently no retrosexuals serving in the United States Senate.
Will you marry me?
Sorry but I'm in a lifetime contract now, sealed with a kiss, not just a handshake!
I lived in or commuted to two of the largest cities in the country (all in the eastern half of the United States)for many years and it was very rare to ever see a man offer a seat to a woman. If I recall correctly, the Chicago buses actually had a sign posted reminding riders to offer their seats to the elderly and to pregnant women.
Should be some mention of golf.Not the kind where your score is the important part but if you can get enough beer cans in the bag to make it around to the turn.
Ok. I understand...thought I'd try! :^)
I have heard that such men exist, but I am forced to live near Washington DC which is not the native habitat of the Retrosexual. Only metrosexuals, nancy boys, effete academics, liberals, and NPR-listeners live near here. This exotic species will have to remain the subject of my fantasies.
Michelle Malkin didn't write this. She's just posting it on her blog.
Some guy wrote it on HIS blog a while back:
http://www.frizzensparks.com/archives/000104.html
Okay, maybe I've just disqualified myself, but what's an "endcap?" Which end am I expected to cap? I wear a hard hat when I go into the production units at the plant. I wear a helmet when responding with the fire crew. I sometimes wear a baseball cap when I'm outside. Quite frankly, I'm not going to take kindly to Ms. Malkin suggesting any other caps on my body.
Bill
Hi my Name is SandRat and I proudly stand here as a RetroSexual. Don't like that! DEAL WITH IT!
Would add a few other conditions to when it is acceptable for a RetroSexual to Cry.
When your son graduates from military basic training or graduates one of the service academys but only in private.
In public anytime the National Colors passes by a couple of tears are permitted but only a couple and must be accompanied with a smart salute and swelled chest full of pride.
The day you children and grandchildren are born.
The day you walk your daughter down the aisle.
Retrosexual BTTT
In a bad ice storm, driving under 20 mph is the only way to survive. No amount of driving skill can trump physics.
RETROSEXUAL!! As the Brits would say, BRILLIANT!
A Retrosexual does not need a woman to to tell him who he is...he just knows and doesn't care much about the rest...
but only in private!
I see Michelle still doesn't realize real guys live in the country. I'd volunteer, but she seems to like to watch television a lot, and I don't have one.
I could tell you about putting bleach on the tires but if you prefer to drive slowly, then go ahead.
If one of those gay blades farts in my presence is he really flirting with me?
They are a necessary evil. Your girlfriend/wife needs someone to do her hair and carry the bags when she goes shopping.
SO9
That was one of the few times I saw my father cry. Another was when I handed him his first grandson :-).
Televisions are a handy item to glance at the last hour of the market, to watch an old movie, the rodeo or a NASCAR race.
B.S. Marriage and fatherhood *make* a real man, unless he's saving the world from the Communist hordes or the Islamic menace full time.
And shovel the snow
Belching? Perhaps.
Others? No.
So, did he end up eating standing up? 'Cause that would be extra-credit.
Thanyx. I went to her blog after I had already posted. My apologies to the author of the piece. But, my assesment(feelings) towrds her are unchanged:-)
I'd love to hear about putting bleach on tires. Even more fun would be watching someone try to drive quickly on bleached tires in a good ice storm. I live in Louisiana, and I'm not likely to see winter driving for a long time, but I like knowing as many tricks as possible. I also like knowing about these kinds of urban legends so I can warn people against them.
And some of us retrosexuals would drool over finding normal women, too!
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