Posted on 01/31/2005 7:54:08 PM PST by crushelits
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
Yeah, pretty funny -- I especially like the last one.
Perhaps an Urban Myth... but it sure sounds true....
The list does not end there, either.
> ... At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), ...
Not recent. The last (as in final) COMDEX was 2003.
The 2004 show was cancelled, and probably won't return.
The Gates remarks might be true, but if so, they are
many years old.
Did you attend COMDEX 2003?
How old are you? That joke's been around since Windows 95.
He says it's a joke in his headline.
11. When you hit the brakes, the car would ask "Are you sure you want to stop?"
Who cares? It's still funny, and I like reading it again. If any part of it really happened, it probably wouldn't be half as good anyway.
COMPUTER TALE
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn the sucker off and be sure to tell your Mom!
-- another old one, this time found here.
OK, I just got the joke in my email. I never heard the stupid joke!
*L* Nothing against you posting this, I did the Snopes link in response to the "How true this is and whether or not it actually happened, I have no idea" part of your headline. The joke itself is great :)
> Did you attend COMDEX 2003?
Yep. Still have the badge.
But in all my years of COMDEXing (including '03), I never
attended any of the keynote addresses. So I have no
personal observations about what Bill G. might have said.
We did almost collide on the sidewalk outside the
Hilton at an earlier COMDEX, but no words were exchanged.
He was rushing to his limo. I don't recall if it was a GM.
"OK, I just got the joke in my email. I never heard the stupid joke!"
OK, sorry for the rush to judgement. It is still a good joke after all.
How about this one?
"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]
"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!"
Or these?
These are actual calls to Tech support help desks
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
That's really good, even if other heard it before!
Sometimes, jokes are ageless. Keep poundin' the keyboard, buddy.
Have you heard this one?
Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high
school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school;
did you manage to live a well planned life?"
"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire, my
second marriage was to an actor, my third marriage was to a preacher,
and now I'm married to a mortician."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a
well-planned life?"
"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to
go!"
"Have you heard this one?"
Very good. I'll see ya tomorrow. :-)
Bump....
Hey isn't that the lost Gilbert and Sullivan opera?
[To the tune of "Mister Ed"]
A host is a host
From coast to coast
And no one will talk to a host that's close
Unless the host
who isn't close
is busy, hung, or dead!
I guess. I've still got tears from all the laughin' on this page. P on your keyboard, indeed!
LOL!
A helicopter pilot in Seattle ran into severe problems: communications and navigation instruments out. He was flying strictly by VFR and was not aware of where he was in the city [new to the area]. He came upon a large building in Seattle, and wrote on a large poster board: 'Where am I?'
The people in the building wrote back on a large poster board they had: 'You are in a helicopter.'
The pilot immediately knew where he was, and was able to fly back to the airport/heliport he came from. After conveying part of this to a friend, the friend asked him: How did you figure out where you were?
The pilot replied: That's easy -- I knew I was at the Microsoft building. I knew what they told me was totally correct but useless information.
A man left for a holiday to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send her an e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her web address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note went to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. PS. Sure is hot down here.
"All my life, I always wanted to be a somebody --Now I see I should have been more specific"
"Some mornings, it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."
Him: What make of pickup?
Me: Chevrolet
Him: What year?
Me: 2001
Him: What model?
Me: Silverado 1500
Him: Regular cab, extended or crew cab
Me (getting impatient): Extended cab
Him: What size engine?
Me: FOR A TOOL BOX?
Him: I have to get the engine size
Me: Small V8
Him: Is that the 4.8 or the 5.3 liter?
Me: Which do you think is smaller?
Him: Standard or automatic?
Me: Automatic
Him: Four wheel drive?
Me: No.
Him: They don't list any tool boxes for this pickup
Me: You work in an auto parts store and don't believe that there's a toolbox made for a standard bed Chevrolet pickup?
Him: No sir. We don't have it in our computer.
Baloonist lost in the southern US yells down to local, "Hey can you tell me where I am." Local says, "I sure can, you're up thar in that basket."
Farmer calls fire department, "Hurry my barn's on fire!" Dispatcher, "Sir can you tell us how to get there?" Farmer, "Don't yall still have that big red truck?"
True or not it's true.
Or, as Dan Rather would say, "Fake but accurate."
The statements are true in this case even if the person didn't say them. In Rather's case there was no truth just his desire to believe his own fabrications.
I'm sure this is a joke....but it does give a little bit of insight into the mind -- of a booger-eating geek.
One of the first questions our customer support people are trained to ask is about the power...something along the lines of "Are the indicator lights on the (equipment)on?" or something along those lines. I'll guarantee you there are at least two a day who don't realize they've had a power outage.
During major storms the number of people who call to complain because "It just isn't working." who have no power increases dramatically, including people too stupid to own any device more complicated than a wheelbarrow or ball point pen.
"Me: You work in an auto parts store and don't believe that there's a toolbox made for a standard bed Chevrolet pickup?
Him: No sir. We don't have it in our computer."
That's what happens when people are trained to use the technology instead of think. Very funny, but sadly true.
"including people too stupid to own any device more complicated than a wheelbarrow or ball point pen."
There are more of those around everyday thanks to what's happening to publik educashen.
I could count on winnowing the applicant pool from approximately 100 (those that passed HR screening) down to 20 or so.
After that, I reviewed the application form. Any failure to complete any portion of the form or failure to follow the written instructions narrowed the field to 10.
The next step was a written technical test. Those that passed ( normally about three) were granted an interview.
Saved me lots of time and frustration.
Any young people folks out there who might be reading this....communication skills are the most important things you can bring to a prospective employer.
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