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*** UNOFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD ***
TheBigB | 2.18.05 | n/a

Posted on 02/18/2005 10:27:37 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance

It appears as tough the regular poster of the Friday Silliness Thread isn't on board today, So I have stolen the opportunity to post it up. Have fun!

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE.......

What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

What's the d difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides


TOPICS:
KEYWORDS: fst; silliness
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Happy Friday!

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

---------------------------------------------------------

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

1 posted on 02/18/2005 10:27:38 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance
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To: Fierce Allegiance; TheBigB; presidio9; Constitution Day; Tijeras_Slim; martin_fierro; TomServo; ...

Friday Silliness Thread Ping!


2 posted on 02/18/2005 10:28:34 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance (At first it was "Relief", then "Welfare", now it's "Entitlements". What will they call it next?)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

Bunga-bunga!


3 posted on 02/18/2005 10:30:18 AM PST by MonroeDNA (US OUT of the UN!)
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To: MonroeDNA

For anybody with a little time on your hands, I suggest you read www.tardblog.com. I enjoyed the original stuff, but have yet to read the new wrters works.


4 posted on 02/18/2005 10:32:31 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance (At first it was "Relief", then "Welfare", now it's "Entitlements". What will they call it next?)
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To: Fierce Allegiance
At least our tax dollars aren't paying for this...

How Do Porcupines Make Love?

I would think the answer would be "very carefully".

-Eric

5 posted on 02/18/2005 10:32:50 AM PST by E Rocc (Leftists look at liberty the way Christians look at sin.)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Eat much brown rice

2. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

3. Memorize your favorite poem.

4. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.

5. When you say, "I love you", mean it.

6. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.

7. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

8. Believe in love at first sight.

9. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.

10. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

11. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

12. Don't judge people by their relatives.

13. Talk slowly but think quickly.

14. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask,
"Why, do you want to know?"

15. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk

16. Call your mum.

17. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

18. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

19. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.

20. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

21. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

22. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice

23. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

24. Spend some time alone.

25. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.


26. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

27. Read more books and watch less TV.

28. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.

29. Trust in God but lock your car.

30. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.

31. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

32. Read between the lines.

33. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

34. Be gentle with the earth.

35. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.

36. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.

37. Mind your own business.

38. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.

39. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

40. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.

41. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.

42. Learn the rules then break some.

43. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.

44. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

45. Remember that your character is your destiny.

46. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon


6 posted on 02/18/2005 10:33:11 AM PST by MarineBrat ("God is dead"- Nietzsche,1886. "Nietzsche is dead"- God,1901)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

Very funny, thanks.


7 posted on 02/18/2005 10:34:05 AM PST by FairfaxVA (SELECT * FROM liberals WHERE clue > 0. Zero rows returned!)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

WOO HOO, now I can get scarmabled!


8 posted on 02/18/2005 10:34:33 AM PST by JimWforBush
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To: Fierce Allegiance

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!


9 posted on 02/18/2005 10:34:43 AM PST by The_Victor (Calvin: "Do tigers wear pajamas?", Hobbes: "Truth is we never take them off.")
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To: Fierce Allegiance; All
Here's a question for everyone:
 
If a guy uses the word "goodies" as in "I spent $40 for goodies from Starbucks" is it pretty much a slam dunk he's gay?  What if he were from San Francisco too?
 
Thanks in advance for your insightful commentary.

Owl_Eagle

"You know, I'm going to start thanking
the woman who cleans the restroom in
the building I work in.  I'm going to start
thinking of her as a human being"

-Hillary Clinton
(Yes, she really said that
Peggy Noonan
The Case Against Hillary Clinton, pg 55)

10 posted on 02/18/2005 10:35:06 AM PST by South Hawthorne (Maybe THIS post will get me on a thread on DU...)
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To: JimWforBush

LOL, Hurry!


11 posted on 02/18/2005 10:35:13 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance (At first it was "Relief", then "Welfare", now it's "Entitlements". What will they call it next?)
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To: Owl_Eagle

Does he have a lithp?


12 posted on 02/18/2005 10:35:51 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance (At first it was "Relief", then "Welfare", now it's "Entitlements". What will they call it next?)
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To: Fierce Allegiance; TheBigB

Where's BigB? Is he still out with the newet pledge class?


13 posted on 02/18/2005 10:35:53 AM PST by Bella_Bru (You're about as funny as a case sensitive search engine.)
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To: Fierce Allegiance
Duplicate thread. Original here
14 posted on 02/18/2005 10:36:19 AM PST by Coop (In memory of a true hero - Pat Tillman)
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To: Owl_Eagle

Yeah, totally gay. No straight man would be excited about anything from Starbucks.


15 posted on 02/18/2005 10:36:51 AM PST by retrokitten (By Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall be avenged.)
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To: Bella_Bru
I would have to guess you are correct:


16 posted on 02/18/2005 10:37:48 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance (At first it was "Relief", then "Welfare", now it's "Entitlements". What will they call it next?)
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To: E Rocc

simply....WOW


17 posted on 02/18/2005 10:39:32 AM PST by Zeppelin (Keep on FReepin' on.....)
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To: RhoTheta

Ping.


18 posted on 02/18/2005 10:39:46 AM PST by Egon (Government is a guard-dog to be fed, not a cow to be milked.)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

Did you put that Debbie Gibson tape up for auction yet at E-bay? LOL


19 posted on 02/18/2005 10:39:49 AM PST by JimWforBush
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Comment #20 Removed by Moderator

To: Owl_Eagle
San Francisco jealousy ping
21 posted on 02/18/2005 10:41:18 AM PST by SF Republican
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To: Fierce Allegiance
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."

No. But I have heard about the dyslexic insomniac who stayed awake all night wondering whether there really is a Dog.

22 posted on 02/18/2005 10:41:42 AM PST by Maceman (Too nuanced for a bumper sticker)
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To: Owl_Eagle

What if someone slammed a stolen concrete-mixer into an Interstate overpass while returning from a Friday morning beer run? Is it a slam dunk that the guy is someone you would just have to hang out with?


23 posted on 02/18/2005 10:42:25 AM PST by Sam's Army (No witty taglines currently come to mind)
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To: Fierce Allegiance
For anybody with a little time on your hands, I suggest you read www.tardblog.com.

Yay! Is it back? I can't get the site to come up now, and it's been down for the longest...

24 posted on 02/18/2005 10:42:31 AM PST by prion (Yes, as a matter of fact, I AM the spelling police)
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To: Fierce Allegiance
"What're you gonna do, bleed on me?"
25 posted on 02/18/2005 10:42:37 AM PST by The_Victor (Calvin: "Do tigers wear pajamas?", Hobbes: "Truth is we never take them off.")
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To: Fierce Allegiance; Americanwolf

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.

Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then George W. Bush says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane.


26 posted on 02/18/2005 10:43:21 AM PST by Americanwolfsbrother (Arizona Population: 6 million; 4 million residents and 2 million invaders.)
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To: Fierce Allegiance
Friday silliness thread...?

I don't think I saw the memo about this.

27 posted on 02/18/2005 10:44:20 AM PST by itsamelman (“Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh.” -- Al Swearengen)
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To: SF Republican
San Francisco jealousy ping
Actually, you have a very nice city, the wife and I enjoyed a trip there several years ago.  I just don't think I'd be able to deal with the lunacy of many of the residents.  Philadelphia is about the maximum of liberalism I can take.

Owl_Eagle

"You know, I'm going to start thanking
the woman who cleans the restroom in
the building I work in.  I'm going to start
thinking of her as a human being"

-Hillary Clinton
(Yes, she really said that
Peggy Noonan
The Case Against Hillary Clinton, pg 55)

28 posted on 02/18/2005 10:44:20 AM PST by South Hawthorne (Maybe THIS post will get me on a thread on DU...)
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To: Fierce Allegiance
I don't know what you're talking about, so...
here's a picture of a dummy with a pancake flying at him:

29 posted on 02/18/2005 10:44:42 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

Those are freakin' classic!!!

Do you have a ping list and if so, could you add me to it please!?

Cheers!


30 posted on 02/18/2005 10:44:42 AM PST by SZonian (Tagline???? I don't need no stinkin' tagline!)
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To: Owl_Eagle

He doesn't have to be homosexual, but he does have to be gay... in the original intent of the word...i.e. Happy! It also depends on the region you live in. For instance, where I live we use the word "critters" often to convey "any fawna", from bacteria to rats and eventually leading to leftists. But I bet they don't use the word critters at UC Davis or Berkeley.


31 posted on 02/18/2005 10:45:02 AM PST by MarineBrat ("God is dead"- Nietzsche,1886. "Nietzsche is dead"- God,1901)
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To: Owl_Eagle

If someone pays $4 for a cup of coffee, is it a slam dunk they're an idiot?


32 posted on 02/18/2005 10:45:58 AM PST by Rutles4Ever (Warning: may eat own)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

Stop this thread immediately! It's silly.

33 posted on 02/18/2005 10:46:38 AM PST by Billthedrill
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To: Sam's Army
What if someone slammed a stolen concrete-mixer into an Interstate overpass while returning from a Friday morning beer run? Is it a slam dunk that the guy is someone you would just have to hang out with?
 
Yeah, I would.  So should I go down to Florida, or do you want to come up to Phila?

Owl_Eagle

"You know, I'm going to start thanking
the woman who cleans the restroom in
the building I work in.  I'm going to start
thinking of her as a human being"

-Hillary Clinton
(Yes, she really said that
Peggy Noonan
The Case Against Hillary Clinton, pg 55)

34 posted on 02/18/2005 10:47:09 AM PST by South Hawthorne (Maybe THIS post will get me on a thread on DU...)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

These are not the 'droids you are looking for!"

35 posted on 02/18/2005 10:47:46 AM PST by TC Rider (The United States Constitution © 1791. All Rights Reserved.)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Show up naked,
Bring food.


36 posted on 02/18/2005 10:48:38 AM PST by r-q-tek86 (The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content)
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To: Owl_Eagle
"If a guy uses the word "goodies" as in "I spent $40 for goodies from Starbucks" is it pretty much a slam dunk he's gay?"

Did he pay for his *goodies* with a $20 a $10 and four $3's?

37 posted on 02/18/2005 10:48:50 AM PST by Joe 6-pack ("It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.")
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To: Fierce Allegiance

These fine young men have given us volumes of new material for Friday Silliness threads!!

(Quoting from Monty Python skits has become tiresome. . . harumph!)

38 posted on 02/18/2005 10:50:34 AM PST by TPartyType
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To: Fierce Allegiance
What, nobody posted a nice picture yet?

Here!!

http://i.a.cnn.net/si/features/2005_swimsuit/models/images/05_underwater_07.jpg

 

39 posted on 02/18/2005 10:52:01 AM PST by Tolik
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To: Fierce Allegiance

Did you hear that Jeffrey Dahlmer had his mother over to his apartment? They were eating lunch and she said "You know, Jeff, I really don't like your friends."

And he replied:

"Then just eat the vegetables."


40 posted on 02/18/2005 10:52:05 AM PST by Peach (The Clintons pardoned more terrorists than they ever captured or killed.)
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To: Fierce Allegiance
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

This blond walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks to speak to a loan officer. After a few minutes she is ushered into his office where she explains that she wants to borrow $5,000 for a 2 week vacation. The loan officer tells her he thinks he can accomodate her but will need some collateral. She puts some keys on his desk and points outside to a $250,000 Rolls-Royce parked in front.

The loan officer verifies title and agrees to the loan. The bank delivers the $5,000. The blonde goes on her way and the loan officer arranges to have the Rolls moved into the bank parking lot. Then they all sit around and laugh at the dumb blonde who would put a $250,000 Rolls-Royce as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

Two weeks later the blonde returns to the bank and asks to see the loan officer. "I'm here to settle my loan," she says.

The loan officer gets the paperwork and tells her, "With interest, your balance is $5,013.45. She pays the amount and he gives her the keys. As she's getting ready to leave he says, "Do you mind if I ask a question?"

"Certainly," the blonde replies.

"Well, we were very happy to do business with you and would be happy to help you anytime you ask. But, well, we checked you out and we find you're a multi-millionaire. You certainly didn't need to borrow $5,000 for this vacation. May I ask why you borrowed the money, and put up such an expensive car as collateral?"

"Oh, that's easy," the blonde answers. "Do you know anywhere else in Manhattan I can park a car for $13.45 and expect to get it back in the same condition I found it?"

I know, you thought it was going to be another dumb blonde joke.

Shalom.

41 posted on 02/18/2005 10:52:50 AM PST by ArGee (Having homosexual sex makes as much sense as drinking beer through your a$$.)
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To: Tolik

I just did post a nice picture! Nicer than yours, I might add. . . . watery tart!


42 posted on 02/18/2005 10:53:06 AM PST by TPartyType
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To: Fierce Allegiance

When Clinton was president, he attended the opening night of baseball.

Before the game began, he picked up Hillary by the collar and wasteband and threw her onto the field.

The Secret Service ran up and said: "No, no, Mr. President. You were supposed to throw out the first PITCH."


43 posted on 02/18/2005 10:53:20 AM PST by Peach (The Clintons pardoned more terrorists than they ever captured or killed.)
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To: r-q-tek86
Show up naked, Bring food.

Reminds me of Jeff Foxworthy: Women always want to know what men are thinking. Here it is: We want a beer and we want to see something naked.

44 posted on 02/18/2005 10:55:23 AM PST by retrokitten (By Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall be avenged.)
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To: TPartyType

Bob: Here's the last of our five-point questions. Girls, tell me where, specifically, is the weeeeeiirdest place that you personally, girls, have ever gotten the urge the make whoopee. The weirdest place. Olga?

Olga: Umm . . . (audience laughter)

[pause]

Bob: Yes, Olga?

Olga: Uh . . .

Henry: Go ahead.

Bob: Yes, Olga.

Olga: I'm trying to think. Umm . . . [Turns to husband.] Gee Henry, what did you say?

Bob: Hey, don't ask him. He can't help you out at all.

Olga: Is it in the a$$? [Last three words bleeped]

Bob: No no no . . . no . . . what I'm talking about is the weirdest location, the weirdest place . . .

Olga: The weirdest location. I don't know. [Laughs]

Hank: [Laughs uproariously]


45 posted on 02/18/2005 10:55:53 AM PST by Betis70 (I'm only Left Wing when I play hockey)
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To: MarineBrat

How touching. I think I'm going to cry.


46 posted on 02/18/2005 10:56:05 AM PST by Protagoras (Un-apprehended criminals have no credibility when advocating for the WOD)
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To: r-q-tek86

hehehe


47 posted on 02/18/2005 10:56:18 AM PST by cyborg (http://mentalmumblings.blogspot.com/)
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To: TPartyType
Quoting from Monty Python skits has become tiresome. . . harumph!

And you think "Napoleon Dynamite" is better?!

48 posted on 02/18/2005 10:56:18 AM PST by The_Victor (Calvin: "Do tigers wear pajamas?", Hobbes: "Truth is we never take them off.")
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To: ArGee

What makes this sound:

Vroomm, SCreech, VROOOM, Screech, VROOM, screech







Answer- A blonde at a flashing red light.


49 posted on 02/18/2005 10:56:41 AM PST by weave09
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To: MarineBrat
14. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why, do you want to know?"

A young student once asked, "Rabbi, why do you always answer a question with a question?"

The Rabbi replied, "Do I do that?"

Shalom.

50 posted on 02/18/2005 10:56:46 AM PST by ArGee (Having homosexual sex makes as much sense as drinking beer through your a$$.)
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