Posted on 02/18/2005 10:27:37 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance
It appears as tough the regular poster of the Friday Silliness Thread isn't on board today, So I have stolen the opportunity to post it up. Have fun!
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE.......
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.
What's the d difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."a recipe."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
---------------------------------------------------------
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
Friday Silliness Thread Ping!
Bunga-bunga!
For anybody with a little time on your hands, I suggest you read www.tardblog.com. I enjoyed the original stuff, but have yet to read the new wrters works.
I would think the answer would be "very carefully".
-Eric
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
1. Eat much brown rice
2. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
3. Memorize your favorite poem.
4. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
5. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
6. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
7. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
8. Believe in love at first sight.
9. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
10. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
11. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
12. Don't judge people by their relatives.
13. Talk slowly but think quickly.
14. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask,
"Why, do you want to know?"
15. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk
16. Call your mum.
17. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
18. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
19. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
20. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
21. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
22. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice
23. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
24. Spend some time alone.
25. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
26. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
27. Read more books and watch less TV.
28. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
29. Trust in God but lock your car.
30. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
31. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
32. Read between the lines.
33. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
34. Be gentle with the earth.
35. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
36. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
37. Mind your own business.
38. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
39. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
40. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
41. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
42. Learn the rules then break some.
43. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
44. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
45. Remember that your character is your destiny.
46. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon
Very funny, thanks.
WOO HOO, now I can get scarmabled!
Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Owl_Eagle
"You know, I'm going to start thanking
the woman who cleans the restroom in
the building I work in. I'm going to start
thinking of her as a human being"-Hillary Clinton
(Yes, she really said that
Peggy Noonan
The Case Against Hillary Clinton, pg 55)
LOL, Hurry!
Does he have a lithp?
Where's BigB? Is he still out with the newet pledge class?
Yeah, totally gay. No straight man would be excited about anything from Starbucks.
simply....WOW
Ping.
Did you put that Debbie Gibson tape up for auction yet at E-bay? LOL
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