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Dark and Stormy Night Contest Subject
the English Department of San Jose State University, | the English Department of San Jose State University,

Posted on 02/21/2005 4:43:50 AM PST by Vaquero

Subject: Fw: "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" winners

For you lovers of good writing, listed below are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Contest, aka the "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" run by the English Department of San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:

10. "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9. "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8. "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7. "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6. "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5. "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store."

4. "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

3. "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2. "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS.....

1. "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"


TOPICS: Culture/Society
KEYWORDS: and; contest; dark; night; stormy; subject; topten
enjoy
1 posted on 02/21/2005 4:43:51 AM PST by Vaquero
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To: Vaquero

bttt


2 posted on 02/21/2005 4:45:43 AM PST by 1rudeboy
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To: RhoTheta

Ping!


3 posted on 02/21/2005 4:46:51 AM PST by Egon (Government is a guard-dog to be fed, not a cow to be milked.)
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To: Vaquero

Excellent. And surprising that an English department at a university actually teaches English.
There is hope.


4 posted on 02/21/2005 4:50:14 AM PST by madball
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To: Vaquero

I'm actually kind of interested to see where some of these go.


5 posted on 02/21/2005 4:50:18 AM PST by CzarNicky (The problem with bad ideas is that they seemed like good ideas at the time.)
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To: Vaquero

Throckmorton is correct ya know?


6 posted on 02/21/2005 4:52:01 AM PST by Smartaleck (Tom Delay TX: (Dems have no plan, no agenda, no solutions.))
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To: Vaquero
"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat...

How is it that I can envy terrible writing? The sun oozed over the horizon is delectably bad. LOL!

7 posted on 02/21/2005 4:53:03 AM PST by TheGeezer
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To: Vaquero
Thanks for posting that, Vaquero.

Oddly enough, here in Los Angeles, it really was a dark and stormy night.

8 posted on 02/21/2005 4:53:55 AM PST by DumpsterDiver
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To: CHARLITE
Good writing ping...hahahaha!

FMCDH(BITS)

9 posted on 02/21/2005 5:11:49 AM PST by nothingnew (There are two kinds of people; Decent and indecent.)
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To: Vaquero

Great piece...........unforunately this was posted over a year ago.


10 posted on 02/21/2005 5:47:43 AM PST by newcthem
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To: Vaquero

11 posted on 02/21/2005 5:49:17 AM PST by MetalHeadConservative35 (Freakin Patroits.....)
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To: Vaquero; newcthem

12 posted on 02/21/2005 5:50:11 AM PST by MetalHeadConservative35 (Freakin Patroits.....)
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To: Vaquero
As Hillary fell she knew the fat of her legs would soon be embedded with the rocks from the road.

At least her face was cushioned by the carpet bag she now carried. Carpet had become a familiar taste to her.

13 posted on 02/21/2005 5:52:53 AM PST by DainBramage
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To: Vaquero

As John strode heavily in to empty estate, made dim by the absence of campaign staff, press corps and hangers-on, he saw his beloved, disheveled and oblivious, collapsed in front of the unlit fireplace, clutching only the two bottles that bespoke the essence of their relationship...gin and ketchup.


14 posted on 02/21/2005 6:07:15 AM PST by shibumi (Blood Splattered Everywhere - But It Wasn't Mine.)
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To: Vaquero

"The golden orb had almost disappeared behind the interlacing fingers of the hawthorne- The golden orb...The golden orb..."


15 posted on 02/21/2005 6:13:27 AM PST by Eepsy
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To: Vaquero

10,9,8,7 are all better (and funnier) than 6,5,4 + 3. 2 + 1 are good. #8 was the best, I laughed out loud.


16 posted on 02/21/2005 6:15:16 AM PST by Jabba the Nutt (Jabba the Hutt's bigger, meaner, uglier brother.)
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To: shibumi

LOL! You'd have won w/this one! (I liked #10 above myself. LOL)


17 posted on 02/21/2005 6:19:03 AM PST by Carolinamom
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To: Vaquero

Bump


18 posted on 02/21/2005 6:19:53 AM PST by BunnySlippers (When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest! - Bullwinkle J. Moose)
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To: Carolinamom

Well.....if you liked that, try:

"As the storm rolled slowly in over the savannah, Ikembe scanned the horizon for any sign of his lost tribemates and finding none, he turned for solace and answers to his favorite pet...but Mbulu, the giraffe did not respond."


19 posted on 02/21/2005 6:24:53 AM PST by shibumi (Blood Splattered Everywhere - But It Wasn't Mine.)
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To: shibumi

X that one.


20 posted on 02/21/2005 6:33:29 AM PST by Carolinamom
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To: Vaquero

LOL..thanks!


21 posted on 02/21/2005 6:42:26 AM PST by CarolTX (Onward through the fog)
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To: MetalHeadConservative35
"The night was sultry...."

-Throw Mamma from the Train

22 posted on 02/21/2005 6:48:48 AM PST by Dead Corpse (The neighborhood is pretty dead at night, and I'm the one to blame....)
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To: wingblade

change-of-pace ping


23 posted on 02/21/2005 6:51:18 AM PST by hoosier_RW_conspirator ("Our inventories are steeped in capability." -- AVatian)
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To: shibumi

Like the moth-ridden Victoria's Secret lingerie that bulged beckoningly from the top shelf of the dust-laden hope chest of her youth, Helen Thomas understood the need for eternal optimism in the face of a Republican administration.


24 posted on 02/21/2005 7:00:28 AM PST by small voice in the wilderness (Quick, act casual. If they sense scorn and ridicule, they'll flee..)
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To: shibumi
Posts 13 and 14 are showing potential writers at work.
25 posted on 02/21/2005 7:06:10 AM PST by investigateworld (Another California Refugee in Oregon)
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To: Vaquero

***4. "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do." ***

HEY! I would have read that one. LOL


26 posted on 02/21/2005 7:11:15 AM PST by kitkat (Our Founding Fathers are PROUD of Pres. George W. Bush)
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To: investigateworld

It was a dark and stormy night in Texas as the winds of Carla lifted the cold silvery sheet iron from the barn roof and flung it toward the outline of a trench coat...........


27 posted on 02/21/2005 7:19:24 AM PST by Republican Babe (God bless America.)
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To: kitkat

In my universe Stanley would have been a rabbit that lived on the median of the Long Island Expressway.....If I ever write it, I will send it to you first, for review.


28 posted on 02/21/2005 7:23:04 AM PST by Vaquero
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To: Vaquero
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception,

Never, ever trust the French.

29 posted on 02/21/2005 7:23:23 AM PST by Drango (NPR/PBS is the propaganda wing of the DNC.)
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To: Drango

"the life of a frog...that's the life for me" Bart Simpson


30 posted on 02/21/2005 7:24:48 AM PST by Vaquero
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To: Vaquero

There are all old ones.


31 posted on 02/21/2005 7:25:55 AM PST by Alouette (Learned Mother of Zion)
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To: TheGeezer
How is it that I can envy terrible writing? The sun oozed over the horizon is delectably bad. LOL!

It is a horrible line. I believe if that is the best the writer has......they don't have much.

32 posted on 02/21/2005 7:42:51 AM PST by processing please hold (Islam and Christianity do not mix ----9-11 taught us that)
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To: shezza

Aren't these the names you and J choose if I had twins? lol


33 posted on 02/21/2005 7:50:05 AM PST by N8VTXNinWV
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To: N8VTXNinWV

ROFLOL!!!!


34 posted on 02/21/2005 8:32:31 AM PST by shezza
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To: Vaquero

Those were laugh-out-loud good! Thanks for posting this thread.


35 posted on 02/21/2005 8:33:35 AM PST by shezza
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To: Vaquero

***In my universe Stanley would have been a rabbit that lived on the median of the Long Island Expressway.....If I ever write it, I will send it to you first, for review.***

Only if it has a happy ending. We enjoy watching the rabbits who live under our Colorado blue spruce tree and don't want to see them squished by a car.

By the way, have you ever read Paul Gallico?


36 posted on 02/21/2005 8:52:40 AM PST by kitkat (Our Founding Fathers are PROUD of Pres. George W. Bush)
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To: Vaquero

Do you have a link for this? Thanks.


37 posted on 02/21/2005 10:34:37 AM PST by Lorianne
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To: DainBramage
Carpet had become a familiar taste to her.

LOL...yes, that's been rumored for several years now...

38 posted on 02/21/2005 10:37:08 AM PST by ErnBatavia (ErnBatavia, Boxer, Pelosi, Thomas...the ultimate nightmare Menage a Quatro)
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To: investigateworld; Delmont; SortaBichy

I'd try an entry, but my specialty is the "glistening honeypot" department...


39 posted on 02/21/2005 10:38:44 AM PST by ErnBatavia (ErnBatavia, Boxer, Pelosi, Thomas...the ultimate nightmare Menage a Quatro)
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To: Republican Babe

Good start, I'll be thinking up my entry!!!


40 posted on 02/21/2005 7:41:01 PM PST by investigateworld (Another California Refugee in Oregon)
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To: ErnBatavia

He opened the door and looked down towards her glistening honeypot, thinking.;..hey what is that bear doing eating all my honey!!

You mean like that??


41 posted on 02/22/2005 10:05:02 AM PST by Delmont (Menofcolor--s)
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To: Vaquero

had she ever looked more beautiful? had she ever looked more sexy?"God i really hope so "thought her current boyfriend


42 posted on 02/24/2005 10:31:42 PM PST by freepatriot32 (Jacques Chirac and Kofi Annan, a pantomime horse in which both men are playing the rear end. M.Steyn)
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