Dog Spit and Baldness:
A hair-raising discovery
(Dave Barry) LoL haha! Thanks for the post and ping. LOL!
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Posted on 02/27/2005 6:29:39 AM PST by nuconvert
Dog spit and baldness: A hair-raising discovery
BY DAVE BARRY
Feb. 27, 2005
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on May 4, 1997.)
Our topic today, on Breakthroughs in Medicine, is: New Hope From Dog Spit.
I have here some very exciting scientific correspondence from William B. Yancey, M.D., who is a medical doctor and therefore legally allowed to (1) park anywhere; (2) give shots; (3) tell people to get naked; and (4) make scientific observations.
Dr. Yancey wrote to me about an observation that he scientifically made regarding his Labrador retriever, who is named Refrigerator. Refrigerator recently underwent hip surgery. In preparation for the operation, the veterinarian shaved his hindquarters. Then, realizing his mistake, he also shaved Refrigerator's hindquarters. No, seriously, the veterinarian's hindquarters have nothing to do with this, and I am instructing the jury to disregard them. The point is that Refrigerator had all the fur removed from his rear end (or, in medical parlance, his ``bazooty'').
If you know anything about dogs, you know how Refrigerator spent his recuperation period: He licked himself pretty much full time. Dogs are very big believers in the healing power of licking. If dogs operated a hospital, here's how it would work: A patient would arrive in the Emergency Room, and a team of doctor dogs would gather around to conduct an examination, which would consist of thoroughly sniffing the patient. (They would also sniff the floor, in case anybody had left food lying around.)
Then, the doctor dogs would hold a conference, and whatever the patient's symptoms were -- coughing, lack of pulse, a spear passing all the way through the patient's head -- the doctor dogs would agree that the best course of treatment was: licking. And we're talking about a LOT of licking. Not just the patient licking himself or herself, but also the doctors licking the patient, licking themselves, and licking the other doctors. This is state-of-the-art medical care for dogs.
So anyway, after his operation, Refrigerator was performing medical care on himself, and Dr. Yancey made a scientific observation; namely, that Refrigerator's hair ``has grown fastest in the areas where he has spent significant time licking himself.''
Using this observation, Dr. Yancey was able to form a scientific hypothesis -- a term that is formed from two Greek words, ''hy,'' which means ''something,'' and ''pothesis,'' which means ``that pops into your head while you are watching a dog lick itself after you have maybe had a couple of brewskis.''
Dr. Yancey's hypothesis is this: Dog spit grows hair. In fact, Dr. Yancey believes that unwanted hair, such as facial hair on women and nose hair on men, probably did not exist until the human race domesticated dogs and started getting licked all the time.
But the more important implication is that dog spit could be a revolutionary new hair-growth treatment for balding men. Granted, we do not yet have actual laboratory proof of this. But we do have a published report in the form of this column, which has been printed in a newspaper with professional-looking margins.
So I think it's time to move past the research phase of Dr. Yancey's hypothesis and go directly to the phase where we unleash the power of this amazing discovery to benefit humanity, to make the world a better place, and -- most important -- to make money.
Specifically, what I'm thinking of is a franchised line of hair-growth salons, perhaps with a sophisticated name such as La Spitte Du Chien Pour Les Hommes. Upon arriving at a salon, a client would undergo a pre-treatment interview, during which he would be asked a series of scientific questions (''Do you have money?'' ``How much?''). The client would then be ushered into the Preparation Area, where his scalp would be coated with a scientifically designed, nutrition-enhanced, precision-balanced formulation consisting of Skippy brand peanut butter.
Finally, the client would enter the Treatment Area, where he would be instructed to lie down on the floor with his arms at his sides. A door would then be opened, and a professional Hair Growth Technician, barking loudly, would sprint into the room at upwards of 400 mph, skid to a stop, and begin enthusiastically treating the client's scalp. All of the technicians at La Spitte Du Chien Pour Les Hommes would be carefully selected on the basis of friendliness, professionalism, and not peeing on the clients.
I grant you that this procedure has a few wrinkles that need to be worked out, such as the issue of creamy vs. chunky. But it makes at least as much scientific sense as the baldness cures you see advertised in magazines. I see no reason why we can't go ahead and start setting up franchise salons, and if any government agencies such as the Food and Drug Administration have any questions, well, they can just send their inspectors around to meet with our Board of Directors, Big Boy and Fang. They love inspectors. It's their favorite meal.
hmmm....I seem to have developed a stammer.
Would you please delete the extra small "s" & "b" in the title?
Thank you.
Sounds like "multi-level marketing logic" to me...
It's all true. Our dachshund has a chronic skin condition and his ears keep getting plugged up. Several times a day our cattle dog licks him all over. Yuk. But the vet says it keeps his ears and "hot spots" from getting infected.
dog pong
I wwant some, ttoo.
When we lived in the Twin Cities, a family of meadow voles moved into our garage and began eating everything in sight. A friend loaned us an orange long haired Persian tomcat to get rid of the voles but our new Golden Retriever, Prior Lake Jake, immediately fell in love with the cat. Jake would corner the cat in the garage and lick him until he was dripping wet and no amount of protest from the cat would curtail the licking. The cat never scratched or bit at Jake while this was going on and we could only conclude there was something in it for both of them.
We have a cattle dog, a Black Mouth Cur. What kind do you have and does she/he really help with the cows?
Humor Ping
Funny stuff!
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Baldwidow
Dog Spit and Baldness:
A hair-raising discovery
(Dave Barry) LoL haha! Thanks for the post and ping. LOL!
Please let me know if you want ON or OFF my General Interest ping list!. . .don't be shy.
19 cats and your name is eccentric......hmmm..............
LoL
Thanks for the ping Meek. Got a hankerin' fer some dog spit? LOL!
hahaaaaa!Yesterday, we (Dad, my wife and me) went to my niece's house in Fort Worth. They have a 4 month old Black Lab. They had her penned up in one of the bedrooms, but brought her out a few times. I took her from my niece and held her for a while and talked puppy/baby talk to her and she was goin' crazy wiggling in my arms and trying to lick me. hahahaaa!
Cute pup and will make a great pet for my niece's two kids.
Thanks for the ping!
haha! I got my share yesterday. See my #18 above. ^ ^ ^ ^ ^I thought this was funny.
That's about how it works.
No, I don't know why I replied to you. Sorry.
My dogs ears were getting plugged and I asked the vet about it.
Seems dogs don't have bad respiratory problems due to pollens and allergens in the spring.
But those things play absolute havoc with their skin and ears.
Allergies.........
I discovered mine was allergic to flea collars, and all the flea stuff that has the common chem used to treat for fleas.
I opted instead to use a bath and soap and water to control the fleas and his coat, and ugly sores disappeared.
If your dog can tolerate the Advantage stuff, use that. It worked wonders for my mutt. A couple drops on his lower back and he's flea free for like two months. And he used to get them bad, I mean really bad.
I was never really sure if it too caused problems, because at the time he was a mess.
Detergent in soaps kills fleas, it works great, but you are right, it is hard to control. Bushes are a source, so I spray them. Doxies like to scratch their backs on them and the fleas know this it seems.
I treat the house, a carpets, upholstery etc.
I faithfully use heart worm meds, but I think I will stay away from all the flea stuff for the dog.(for now)
The best stuff for in the house is something called Zodiac. DONT USE IT ON THE ANIMAL. It is a bit pricey.
It has basically the equivalent of flea birth control stuff in it.
On a lighter note...
Their flea products and roach products kill for months, breaking the cycles.
I have found them more effective than anything, but I have yet to try zodiac.
Next time put a little butter on your head. Should be good for at least five minute licking therapy.
My dog lives outside, but I normally shower him about 4 times a year.
What I found is: wash the hair, but not the skin. And I use the cheapest dog shampoos I can find.
NUMEROUS animals have died from Hartz Mountain stuff, and my vet curses them all the time.
The one time I really, really scrubbed him, I think I took to much of the oil from his skin and some of his hair started falling out.
BTT!!!!!!!
I use a human shampoo, that has conditioners and dandruff control meds. The cheap stuff.
I bathe him every two to three weeks, depending on the situation. Seems to have worked well, his coat looks great! And more importantly, he is not scratching like mad anymore.
hahahaaaa! :^D
Our leopard dawg "Tex" was not that much beyond a brief lick on your hand or face.
When Tex wuz a pup he would guard the kid's big rabbit "Thumper" and his little wild "Bunny" buddy we found orphaned one summer Saturday afternoon.
We released "Bunny" into the woods after he was big enough to fend for himself.
Thumper "planted" some tomato seeds under his cage against the barbed wire fence where my daughter's pony was pastured near the house.
Talk about some big ol' juicy 'maters!
But the big neighborhood dawgs who used to gang up on him in packs when he wuz a pup found out when he got a tad bigger that Tex's idea of "licking" them now resulted in some blood on his sharp fangs.
Tex insisted we only used un-welded links on (his) steel chain so he could break the chain if any noisy folks came sneaking around at night.
Tex wuz great protecting his 15 mile perimeter, his kids (we thought they were ours!), his new house (we foolishly thought it wuz ours!), his garbage, his cars and trucks, his personal road out front (only 3mph max speed allowed by Tex), his fireplace, his hunting territory (15 mile perimeter - remember?).
Tex would even let me drive his PU to his store to buy him his dawg food! But Tex would sniff and lick the bags until he found the high-protein "Hunter's Mix" - then as I carried his 100 lbs. of dawg food to his PU he would insist I found a good country song on his radio before I was allowed to restart his engine in his PU and drive him back to his house to get some gravy and bones to add to his dawg food.
Ol' Tex wuz a bone grindin'-eatin' machine.....
Tex wuz the Great Multi-Colored Hunter of the Smokies. He loved to chase wild rabbits in (his) deep snow in (his) his mountains and just nip at their fuzzy tails, then back off, then draft them on the backstretch and "draft-bump" their cottontails again.
All the rabbits seemed to still have tails around there so Tex's spit must have been really powerful stuff.
Tex did enjoy chowing down on an occassional wild rabbit - but his wild little buddy "Bunny" would come by about once a month and say hello to Tex and race him about the last 5 laps to the checkered flag.
Once in a while the cat would join in a they would take the fast curve around the big oak tree 3 abreast.
Tex never tried to nip (no spit) "Bunny's" cottontail so perhaps he will live forever with a not-so-bushy tail.
Tex will hunt the Smoky Mountains forever.
On a cold winter morning you can hear Tex barking up on (his) Mount Mitchell in North Carolina. Tex has treed another big ol' bear.
A bear with not tail fur for a while.
I hope your dog didn't start puking hairballs on the furniture from all that cat licking.
ping me please!
this is just the kind of breakthrough that could make us all millionaires!
First, Kill all the lawyers (not for any other reason, but to just do it),
Next, corner the market on St. Bernards, Newfoundlands, and Great Pyranees; no other breeds could POSSIBLY produce more slobber than these.
Allow them to all sit and watch you prepare dinner.
Collect the slobber, and pour into 2 oz. bottles.
Sell said bottles for $150.@ via the internet.
Now that I am older - the girls - they just play on the beach.
Hound dawgs produce the highest amount of slobber
Pound fer pound that is.....
Didn't. Both are long gone.
For a gallon of genuine Bulldog spit, please send mail to gitmo.
I'm gonna be RICH! RICH I tell you!
I can believe that. :^)
Done - added to my Humor ping list.
Enjoy
The dog looks like he's happy to help the little fellow grow some hair.
'I wanted hair on my head, not in my ears'
LOL ;^D
LOL
A very poignant story devolve.
I can see you fed him very well and remember you telling me I was going to have a 50lb Yorkie if I didn't stop feeding him so much, LOL.
Happy, I am totally confused by what you wrote. I don't recall reading it in the article. Are you sure you're on the same thread as us??
Maybe I'm missing something here??
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