My Pregnant Wife: An Unexpected Target in the Culture Wars

Vanity ^ | 2 Apr 05 | gobucks

[beaversmom]

Unwanted baby advice ping

[workerbee]

The use of an epidural will have an effect on the child.

This is nonsense. You're entitled to the method you chose and more power to you. Not everyone wants to do it your way. Stop propagandizing the issue and trying to guilt women into thinking they've done something awful when it reality they simply chose another option.

[beaversmom]

txbubba

[cyborg]

Some people don't care about money. Some people want the power behind it all and not have people think of them being the pinnacle of healthcare. Such people forget that the old granny midwives of the South used to do what many OBs do on a regular basis. Of course it something happens, you go to a hospital. That's why many midwives have associations with doctors and hospital privileges.

[getmeouttaPalmBeachCounty_FL]

Many blessings are unfolding before you. Look at every suggestion as a blessing. The flipside would be no one giving a hoot what you do.

Now, here's my best advice...make sure you buy yourself a Baby Bjorn, and wear your baby as much as possible in public. Less people will then have access to touching your baby during that nanosecond when you aren't looking.

[Tall_Texan]

All I can say is that you may have started it, but you are a bit player in this drama other than the one depended upon to pay the bills.

Your job is to be supportive of your wife but otherwise to stand aside and do as you are told before these women run you over with a tractor. If you don't, they'll begin talking about you as they did about Rusty Yates.

Having children ought to be a personal private decision between husband and wife. Nobody else needs to run the show. Ultimately, it's her body and her pain. I'd let the wife do what she feels most confident about.

Oh, and congratulations!

[mother22wife21]

When I was pregnant with my first child, about six months into the pregnancy I developed excruciating pain in my hips and along the sciatic nerve. Legs would just go numb, causing me to fall. Went to a neurologist who indicated I had bursitis in both hips and compression of sciatic nerve. I was literally sleeping in a chair, couldn't lie on back or on sides.

Did some PT and the maternity support belt. Nothing helped ease the pain. Occasionally, on doctor's approval would use a painkiller when it would get so bad. This went on for three and half months. I was so incredibly worn out, exhausted, fatigued and ready for my baby. When my husband and I made out our birth plan, I made a note that I wanted to be offered pain relief and an epidural scheduled. I also indicated that the suggestion that I wait another 15 minutes and see if I still wanted pain medication would not be greeted with civility. It I asked for it you can be d@^^n sure I needed it. We made multiple copies; the OB office had one on file, both doctors, my mother, who attended the birth and those nurses who cared for me. I was sorely tempted to give one to the janitor too. ;D

As it would turn out, I went over my due date by about a week and the doc. said we need to induce. So, Pitocin was administered at 7:45 am. Then the ride really started, there was no getting ahead of the pain, all that focusing and breathing was shot. I got stadol and was able to move out in front of it. Then, the epidural. My G-d, I wanted to kiss the anesthesiologist. It was the first time in months that I was in such a state of reduced pain I could finally relax. While I didn't sleep, I sure did rest. I had no problems with progress dilating; I could still feel enough to push and actually had the energy to get the job done, without dragging it out interminably. I pushed for 25 min. and had our baby girl at 5:23p that day. She was 7lbs 9ounces and 22 inches. She was alert scored apgars 9 and 10 and breast fed immediately.

My advice. Make a birth plan. Make several, and take absolutely no guff from anybody about ‘natural’ childbirth. Often times our ancestors used teas and other remedies to help nature along. The goal is to have a healthy mommy and baby at the end of the day. And until they figure out a way for us to have babies other than women gestating and children being removed from said body, all births are natural. Congrats and let us know how it goes for you.

I am due with our second child in July. We lost a child in Feb. 2004 at twelve weeks, I was scared for so long during this pregnancy, but it has been textbook so far. It has really brought home for us that it doesn’t really matter how they get here, it’s what you do with them for the rest of your life.

[beaversmom]

Ooops, I pinged "ping" instead of you.

[Bushforlife]

"Some people don't care about money. Some people want the power behind it all and not have people think of them being the pinnacle of healthcare. Such people forget that the old granny midwives of the South used to do what many OBs do on a regular basis. Of course it something happens, you go to a hospital. That's why many midwives have associations with doctors and hospital privileges."

And those who wish are have the RIGHT to make use of those services, whatever their perception of power relationships.

I wonder what the fetal/maternal mortality rates were during the period of the "granny midwives of the South".

[mother22wife21]

During labor, my husband was so incredibly wonderful, that when his coaching on breathing was distracting me from moving with and thru the pain, all I had to do was look at him and say "Hush". That was it, he held my hand, rubbed my back and when the head crowned he whispered, "I love you, the baby is here"

I will always love him for his support and intimacy at that time.

[lnbchip]

Speaking of new moms versus somebody that's got a few notches in their belt already, here is a great article written by Danielle Bean (she wrote the book "My Cup of Tea: Musings of a Catholic Mom). She also at times has articles in the Catholic magazine Faith and Family. Enjoy -----

Seasoned Moms

When I first got into the “family” business years ago, I read scores of books and familiarized myself with every aspect of child development. I knew exactly what to expect from each of my children during every stage of their growth. None of my reading, however, prepared me for my own development as a mother, which is equally dramatic.

It all starts with the firstborn, when a woman begins as a New Mom. This early stage of development is characterized by a jittery nervousness exacerbated by lack of sleep and hormonal surges.

A New Mom commits random acts of boiling and bleaching. She makes certain that the pattern on her baby’s spit-up cloth matches the diaper bag, stroller, car seat, and, in extreme cases, the swing. She purees sweet potatoes and changes the baby’s onesie every time he hiccups or drools.

With a few years or a few more children, however, we all end up as what I like to call a Seasoned Mom. A Seasoned Mom is distinguished by her wider hips and thicker skin. She has abandoned overstuffed diaper bags in favor of a simple tote carrying the “essentials”- a diaper, a pacifier, and her wallet. She can “bathe” a mob of children with a single baby wipe. When a child vomits, she scarcely looks up from her piles of laundry to say, “Try to do it on the linoleum, Honey. It wipes up better.”

Mothers in different stages of development should mingle with caution. In the eyes of a New Mom, a Seasoned Mom can appear just plain nuts.

I should know. I remember the rainy day when I, as a New Mom, visited a mother of seven.

Every corner of the house was overflowing with what seemed like thousands of raucous children. The Seasoned Mom cleared a heap of muddy rubber boots and grungy sneakers from the floor, spread a tattered baby blanket on the stain-spotted carpet, and invited me to set the baby down to play.

As my daughter lunged toward the floor, I explained that she preferred to be held.

In the next minute, a wet dog barreled into the room, knocked over a stack of Sesame Street videos and sniffed at the baby I held above my head. Shooing him off, I stooped to pick up the videos and was horrified to discover a toddler snacking on stale Cheerios under the sofa.

I tried to sweep up the Cheerios, but my friend stopped me.

“The nice thing about messes,” she winked at me, “is that they wait for you. I’ll get organized when the kids are grown!”

I was not amused. I caught a glimpse of my developmental destiny that day and was terrified. Dan and I wanted a large family, but in the midst of that chaos I remember thinking, “I don’t want to live this life.”

Today, as a mother of six, I do try to maintain some semblance of order, but my standards have changed drastically. My days of boiling pacifiers and nursing a baby propped up by twelve different sofa cushions are long behind me. I cringe to think what a New Mom might think if she stepped into my house.

For the most part, though, I prefer “seasoned” motherhood. After all, with the seasoning comes the flavor. By letting go of perfectionism, we become free to be the real wives, mothers, and women God intended us to be. Seasoned Moms have discovered what really matters- and what doesn’t.

Last summer at a park, I sat at a picnic table chatting with a mother of six while her 2-year-old son played contentedly in the grass at our feet.

Another woman interrupted us.

“Excuse me,” she said. “But your little boy is eating potato chips off the ground.”

Looking up we saw the woman’s immaculately clean diaper bag that matched her immaculately clean baby’s immaculately clean carrier seat.

My friend thanked her for telling us and picked up her son- until the New Mom was gone. Then, laughing, she put him back down, saying, “Those chips are probably the cleanest thing he’s had in his mouth all day!”

“Don’t worry about her,” I answered as the New Mom disappeared into the economy car parked next to our vans.

“She’ll season with time.”

© 2004 Danielle Bean

[rejoicing]

Re: Your comments about a woman hurting her husband's feelings and making him feel like an outsider at the birth. ARE YOU KIDDING!!! Anyone who has been through a prepared childbirth class is totally prepared for the crazy things that come out of a woman's mouth during transition and delivery. Of course that woman is not to be held responsible for her words! As my daughter's OB guy said at her January delivery, "We have a threshold rule here. Nothing that Mama says during labor goes over the threshold!" One of the favorite topics of discussion at social gatherings, concerning babies, is the hilarious things that women say during labor and delivery. I, personally, don't use profanity in polite conversation, but I swore like a sailor during transition. When I told my husband to, "Open the G**D****** window," he grinned at the nurse and said, "Don't bother checking her. She just hit 7 centimeters!" How thin-skinned and immature a man would have to be to be hurt by what his wife said at such a time. Anyway, it's about HER and her needs, not his precious sensibilities.

[Hand em their arse]

Hell, this "pre-birth" advise is nothing..... Just wait until the "Le Leche" bombardment team starts in with you!!!! You'll think that you, you child and even your child's children are damned to hell if you don't breastfeed....

[G Larry]

I don't give a rat's @$$ about the "parents right".

I object to the insistance by these would be advisors to the parents to be, that they "SHOULD" place the baby in infant daycare.
That is an abuse to the baby's right to parental care!

The "advice" seems all centered around particpating in the culture of avoiding responsiblity and inconvenience.

[beaversmom]

Funny and very true article.

[Raycpa]

Wife should hook up with LaLeche league women. Great support and mostly Christians.

[rejoicing]

I work in the nursery at church and also have had 60 foster babies, in addition to 7 of my own. I totally agree with you about the new mom/seasoned mom thing. My favorite observation on the subject is that the new moms come into the nursery at church with a duffle bag and enough diapers, wipes, food, medicine, and clothes to last them for a month. They hover and write an essay on the whiteboard about where they'll be, what exact section of the sanctuary, etc. By the fourth baby, the seasoned mom hands the baby over the dutch door, maybe with a diaper. Or she says "I forget his/her diaper. You have some extras, don't you? Oh, by the way, I'll probably be in the pastor's class if he/she needs to nurse." And you know what? Those fourth babies, by and large, are way better adjusted and less neurotic!

[Bushforlife]

"Anyway, it's about HER and her needs, not his precious sensibilities".

And isn't that a rule of life. Theres's always some excuse to be made for feminine misbehavior.

If a man kills his wife, hes a brutal monster. If a woman kills her husband, "she finally had enough of his abuse".

If a woman drowns her kids in a bathtub, it's obviously the husbands fault": "he forced her to have all those kids, and didn't support her". Let a man do it, and he's an unnatural killer; men after all don't need support.

If a woman fails on the job, "she didn't get enough support from her husband". If a man fails his job, then it's "she really married a loser".

In over 20 years of healthcare, i have NEVER seen a man in pain abuse the woman at the side of the bed. But I see women do it daily. But I guess we have to make allowances for the ladies. My point is just that; we have to make allowances [and criticizing her behavior at that moment is certainly pointless], but the behavior is STILL bad, and still worthy of apology. The man isn't there to be a whipping boy. Unless it was rape, she participated in the conception too.
It is ACCEPTED in society apparently that women have the right to behave badly. This refusal to apply equal standards is the true sexism.

[cyborg]

If you want a nice read about granny midwifery in the South read the book Motherwit. It's about Onnie Lee Logan the last granny midwife in Alabama who had an amazing record for her life (as well as a pleasant outlook on life).

[Raycpa]

Also, be prepared for anything and everything. Even if pain medication is indicated, it might not be possible to administer. When our daughter was born, my wife couldn't move to her side to get an epidural. Everytime she rolled over the baby's cord was constricted and her heart slowed to nothing. The doc's couldn't do epidural.