Skip to comments.Freeper Canteen: Tell me your favorite joke! Come join us. April 12,2005
Posted on 04/11/2005 7:30:08 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross
This came from an Australian newspaper,
There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who do not.
Crabby old sergeant joke:
Why do lieutenants have pierced wrists?
So they can wear cufflinks with short sleeved shirts.
Go for the juggler.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
This is my favotire Clinton joke, though whether it's family-friendly is open for debate:
C & R Suits is having a sale called The Bill Clinton Markdown. The coat is full price, but the pants are half off.
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to
a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and
all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
Thank You for today's thread!
He didn't have the guts.
AHHHHHHhahaha. Get it? No guts? Hahhhhahaha.AHHHHHahaha!
Why did the fox cross the road?
To eat the chicken!
(my son told me that one)
What do you call a man with a brunette?
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoots it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Bump for later laughs. Thanks in advance.
A passenger in a bus tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the vehicle, nearly hit a truck, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the bus, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a bus. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Maybe Dubya doesn't hate Kerry
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his official car when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard.
One of the men, President Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water.
Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
"I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick Cheney, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is considered a spiritual leader with great wisdom."
"Well," President Bush said, "some may think he has great wisdom but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing ... how's the bait holding up?"
A proctologist is examing a patient as the patient is bending over his table. The proctologist whispers something to his nurse, who leaves the room. She comes back in a minute and is standing in the doorway holding a bottle of beer. The proctologist looks at her with a puzzled look for a moment and then says to her: No, no. I said to bring me a butt light.
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like hell. It races toward the two men, flies right past them, leaps in the air, and jumps right into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about it.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married,"she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst into tears
He asked where did the money come from, "Oh," she said,"that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
I classified as "Almost a road geek" - LOL!
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glovebox?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too.
They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings,which gave him all the milk.
After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal.
It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.
Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund--- but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weiner dog."
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Nika: "Look outside, Rudolph, it has begun to snow."
Rudolph: "No, dear, it is only rain."
A few minutes pass.
Nika: "I think it's sleeting, Rudolph."
Rudolph: "No, it is only rain."
Nika: "How can you be so sure?"
Rudolph: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
When it's his turn, he promptly tells the lady: "I need two pickets to Tittsburgh". Realizing what he has said, his face immediately turns red and he begins to apologize to the lady. She smiles and tells him that it's OK, she knows what he meant. Embarrassed, he sheepishly looks around to see if anyone overheard his blunder.
An elderly man standing behind him is grinning ear to ear and tells him: "Son, don't be embarrassed. I get my words mixed up all the time. Why just this morning I was sitting at the breakfast table across from my wife and I meant to say; Honey, please pass the toast, but it came out - You Bitch.... you ruined my life!"
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy big cigars and cruise around and bulls@#t with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?
Grow up and dump him.
For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.
Her mama reassured her, "Don'ta worry, Maria, Tony's a gooda man. Go upastairs and he'll take care of you. Meanawhile,I'll makea the pasta."
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mama. "Mama, Mama", says Maria, "Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don'ta worry, Maria," says her mama, "all gooda men have hairy chests. Go upastairs. He'll take gooda care of you."
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants", said Maria, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don'ta worry! All gooda men have hairy legs. Tony's a gooda man. Go upastairs and he'll take gooda care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs again. "Mama, Mama", says Maria, "Tony's got a foot and a half!
With her eyes wide open, Mama says. "Stay here and stir the pasta."
I don't dare say it. It's too naughty, LOL!
Love you guys - thanks for the flowers!
WOO HOO Diva! How fun, thanks!
That's my favorite so far!!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Can I tell a blonde joke? (Admin can delete if not allowed...:)
A blonde woman is speeding, and looks in her mirror to see a cruiser with lights flashing, so she pulls over.
A blonde police officer gets out of the cruiser, walks up to the car and says "Your license and registration please."
The blonde woman rummages around in her purse, becoming more and more agitated, before she looks up at the blonde cop and says..."I can't find my license...what does it look like?"
The blonde cop looks at her, grits her teeth as she looks at the heavens, and mutters: "Arrrgh...BLONDES!" Then turning to the driver says in an EXTREMELY sarcastic voice "It's small...rectangular...and it has your face on it."
The blonde driver rummages again frantically in her purse, and in triumph, pulls out a small compact mirror and hands it to the cop.
The blonde cop grits her teeth in exasperation as she looks at it, and says "Arrrggh. You can go, just keep your speed down...when I first pulled you over, why didn't you tell me you were a cop too???"
Hugs back at you, DBR.
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
Great thread Diva!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat in a lake below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault."
This is cute, my MIL mailed it to me...
A man dies and meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates..
St Peter asks him.. "What did you do, in your time on earth to help a fellow human being"?
The man answers: "Well, there was this band of bikers accosting a young lady, I snatched her away from them..
I ripped off their leaders nose ring, punched him in the jaw, kicked over his motorcycle,
and told them..
"If any of you want this woman, you're going to have to come through me first!"
St Peter replied:"Wow, I'm impressed, when did this happen?"
Man: "Oh, just about 5 minutes ago!"
LOL! Perfect! Welcome to the Canteen!