Skip to comments.Freeper Canteen: Tell me your favorite joke! Come join us. April 12,2005
Posted on 04/11/2005 7:30:08 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross
Maybe Dubya doesn't hate Kerry
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his official car when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard.
One of the men, President Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water.
Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
"I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick Cheney, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is considered a spiritual leader with great wisdom."
"Well," President Bush said, "some may think he has great wisdom but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing ... how's the bait holding up?"
A proctologist is examing a patient as the patient is bending over his table. The proctologist whispers something to his nurse, who leaves the room. She comes back in a minute and is standing in the doorway holding a bottle of beer. The proctologist looks at her with a puzzled look for a moment and then says to her: No, no. I said to bring me a butt light.
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like hell. It races toward the two men, flies right past them, leaps in the air, and jumps right into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about it.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married,"she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst into tears
He asked where did the money come from, "Oh," she said,"that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
I classified as "Almost a road geek" - LOL!
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glovebox?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too.
They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings,which gave him all the milk.
After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal.
It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.
Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund--- but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weiner dog."
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Nika: "Look outside, Rudolph, it has begun to snow."
Rudolph: "No, dear, it is only rain."
A few minutes pass.
Nika: "I think it's sleeting, Rudolph."
Rudolph: "No, it is only rain."
Nika: "How can you be so sure?"
Rudolph: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
When it's his turn, he promptly tells the lady: "I need two pickets to Tittsburgh". Realizing what he has said, his face immediately turns red and he begins to apologize to the lady. She smiles and tells him that it's OK, she knows what he meant. Embarrassed, he sheepishly looks around to see if anyone overheard his blunder.
An elderly man standing behind him is grinning ear to ear and tells him: "Son, don't be embarrassed. I get my words mixed up all the time. Why just this morning I was sitting at the breakfast table across from my wife and I meant to say; Honey, please pass the toast, but it came out - You Bitch.... you ruined my life!"
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy big cigars and cruise around and bulls@#t with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?
Grow up and dump him.
For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.
Her mama reassured her, "Don'ta worry, Maria, Tony's a gooda man. Go upastairs and he'll take care of you. Meanawhile,I'll makea the pasta."
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mama. "Mama, Mama", says Maria, "Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don'ta worry, Maria," says her mama, "all gooda men have hairy chests. Go upastairs. He'll take gooda care of you."
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants", said Maria, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don'ta worry! All gooda men have hairy legs. Tony's a gooda man. Go upastairs and he'll take gooda care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs again. "Mama, Mama", says Maria, "Tony's got a foot and a half!
With her eyes wide open, Mama says. "Stay here and stir the pasta."
I don't dare say it. It's too naughty, LOL!
Love you guys - thanks for the flowers!
WOO HOO Diva! How fun, thanks!
That's my favorite so far!!