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Freeper Canteen: Tell me your favorite joke! Come join us. April 12,2005
Canteen funny guys

Posted on 04/11/2005 7:30:08 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross

For the freedom you enjoyed yesterday... Thank the Veterans who served in The United States Armed Forces.

Looking forward to tomorrow's freedom? Support The United States Armed Forces Today!

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business

Here is the big question of the day: What is your favorite joke? (please keep it family friendly!) Come into the Canteen and tell us all about it!~

Links below! Wanna surf the internet with me?

I hope that you will find some fun,enlightenment and inspiration within these links. If you are really cool you will follow each one! I hope everyone has a great week. And of course thanks and love goes out to the troops. You guys and gals rock! Thank you-Thank you 100 thousand times!

Find Out If You Are a Road Geek Here

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Slogan Generator Here

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A Very Funny WebSite Here

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Experiments for Hostess Twinkies

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USO Public Service Announcement

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Are we having fun yet?? Hope so!

Support Our Troops Rally Ohio

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Motorcycle News

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Some Income is TAX FREE for Troops!

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Free Video Conferencing online for Troops

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Movies Released April 2005

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Faith Flashes-A Tribute to our Troops

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Tribute to Our Troops

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Looking for a special card to send a special American hero? LOOK HERE!

"Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. Amen."

AWESOME TRIBUTE AND PRAYER WHEEL FOR OUR TROOPS AND THEIR FAMILIES HERE (Make sure to look at the second page)



TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: 229; jokes; military; supportourtroops
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
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Poke your head in and say HI to the Troops! Come on, you know you want to!


1 posted on 04/11/2005 7:30:09 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross
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To: 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub

Graphic by La Diva Loca!

2 posted on 04/11/2005 7:32:24 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross (Code pink stinks!)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

This came from an Australian newspaper,

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who do not.


3 posted on 04/11/2005 7:33:16 PM PDT by Marylander
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Crabby old sergeant joke:


Why do lieutenants have pierced wrists?


So they can wear cufflinks with short sleeved shirts.


4 posted on 04/11/2005 7:37:50 PM PDT by edfrank_1998
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To: All


5 posted on 04/11/2005 7:38:38 PM PDT by Soaring Feather
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To: Marylander

Bump


6 posted on 04/11/2005 7:38:58 PM PDT by perfect stranger
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

---

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

7 posted on 04/11/2005 7:40:29 PM PDT by Richard Kimball (It was a joke. You know, humor. Like the funny kind. Only different.)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
,,, you want a joke? Here ya go...

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

8 posted on 04/11/2005 7:42:34 PM PDT by shaggy eel (kicking it downunder)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

This is my favotire Clinton joke, though whether it's family-friendly is open for debate:

C & R Suits is having a sale called The Bill Clinton Markdown. The coat is full price, but the pants are half off.


9 posted on 04/11/2005 7:43:15 PM PDT by Clintonfatigued
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To: All

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to

a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and

all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."


10 posted on 04/11/2005 7:43:30 PM PDT by Dubya (Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father,but by me)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross; Cool Multiservice Soldier; OneLoyalAmerican; Defender2; The Sailor; txradioguy; ...
Click on the pic and I'll guide you
to the start of today's thread




FR CANTEEN MISSION STATEMENT
Showing support and boosting the morale of
our military and our allies military
and the family members of the above.
Honoring those who have served before.
CLICK HERE TO FIND LATEST THREAD.





Proud Patriots - Sending care packages, e-mails, and snail mail to US Military worldwide.
Proud Patriots is a group of private Americans who are working to ensure
that our brave military heroes receive the support we believe they deserve.


CLICK HERE
TO ENTER PROUD PATRIOTS





If you would like to be removed or added to my ping list please click below.

Please Remove Me
 
CLICK HERE to FReep mail to remove from ping list.

Please Add Me
 
CLICK HERE to FReep mail to add to ping list.



CLICK HERE
TO VISIT

txradioguy
and his live Armed Forces Radio Show from Camp Casey in Korea




Spc. John Wollaston on Warrior Radio...Camp Casey!


CLICK FOR Current local times around the world

CLICK FOR local times in Seoul, Baghdad, Kabul,
New York, Chicago, Denver, Los Angeles, Anchorage

txradioguy previously reported to the FR Canteen from the field in Iraq.

11 posted on 04/11/2005 7:44:10 PM PDT by 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub (Have you said Thank You to a service man or woman today?)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Thank You for today's thread!


12 posted on 04/11/2005 7:46:37 PM PDT by 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub (Have you said Thank You to a service man or woman today?)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?

He didn't have the guts.

AHHHHHHhahaha. Get it? No guts? Hahhhhahaha.AHHHHHahaha!

13 posted on 04/11/2005 7:47:00 PM PDT by concerned about politics (Vote Republican - Vote morally correct!)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Why did the fox cross the road?


To eat the chicken!

(my son told me that one)


14 posted on 04/11/2005 7:47:07 PM PDT by visualops (God, our Father, we ask You to look with mercy and love on Your servant John Paul. Amen.)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

What do you call a man with a brunette?

A hostage.


15 posted on 04/11/2005 7:48:00 PM PDT by writer33 ("In Defense of Liberty," a political thriller, being released in March)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.


He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."


Again, Frank thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took months before Frank fully recovered.


Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoots it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.


He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.


The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

16 posted on 04/11/2005 7:48:15 PM PDT by StoneGiant
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To: Cool Multiservice Soldier; OneLoyalAmerican; Defender2; The Sailor; txradioguy; Old Sarge; ...



FYI : Look in upper right corner of "My Comments" page.
Set it for "Brief" instead of Full.
You only will get title of thread and who pinged you.
No graphics will load.

17 posted on 04/11/2005 7:49:11 PM PDT by 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub (Have you said Thank You to a service man or woman today?)
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To: All
Baby Pictures
Heads Up!
Themeless Thursday Advertisement

Okay, here's the jig!
AZAamericonnie,HiJinx and StarCMC suggested a fun concept for TT (Themeless Thursday,)
baby pictures!
I think this is both a hilarious and fun filled idea,
therefore this little ad is to prepare everyone to be ready to FReepmail their favorite baby picture url to bentfeather.

Sooo... go ahead get creative and brave!
Let's have some good old fashion fun.


Please FReepmail all entries to bentfeather.

18 posted on 04/11/2005 7:49:28 PM PDT by Soaring Feather
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Bump for later laughs. Thanks in advance.


19 posted on 04/11/2005 7:49:50 PM PDT by fullchroma
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

A passenger in a bus tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the vehicle, nearly hit a truck, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the bus, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a bus. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."


20 posted on 04/11/2005 7:49:58 PM PDT by FlingWingFlyer
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Maybe Dubya doesn't hate Kerry

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his official car when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard.

One of the men, President Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water.

Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

"I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick Cheney, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is considered a spiritual leader with great wisdom."

"Well," President Bush said, "some may think he has great wisdom but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing ... how's the bait holding up?"

 

21 posted on 04/11/2005 7:50:29 PM PDT by StoneGiant
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To: Kathy in Alaska; MoJo2001; LaDivaLoca; bentfeather; beachn4fun; Fawnn; Ragtime Cowgirl; StarCMC; ...
From the men in the Military and the Canteen


22 posted on 04/11/2005 7:51:10 PM PDT by 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub (Have you said Thank You to a service man or woman today?)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross; uncleshag

A proctologist is examing a patient as the patient is bending over his table. The proctologist whispers something to his nurse, who leaves the room. She comes back in a minute and is standing in the doorway holding a bottle of beer. The proctologist looks at her with a puzzled look for a moment and then says to her: No, no. I said to bring me a butt light.


23 posted on 04/11/2005 7:51:13 PM PDT by doug from upland (MOCKING DEMOCRATS 24/7 --- www.rightwingparodies.com)
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To: All
To every service man or woman reading this thread.
Thank You for your service to our country.
No matter where you are stationed,
No matter what your job description
Know that we are are proud of each and everyone of you.


To our military readers, we remain steadfast in keeping the Canteen doors open.
The FR Canteen is Free Republics longest running daily thread specifically designed
to provide entertainment and morale support for the military.

The doors have been open since Oct 7 2001,
the day of the start of the war in Afghanistan.

We are indebted to you for your sacrifices for our Freedom.


FR CANTEEN MISSION STATEMENT
Showing support and boosting the morale of
our military and our allies military
and the family members of the above.
Honoring those who have served before.
CLICK HERE TO FIND LATEST THREAD.



24 posted on 04/11/2005 7:52:13 PM PDT by 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub (Have you said Thank You to a service man or woman today?)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like hell. It races toward the two men, flies right past them, leaps in the air, and jumps right into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."


25 posted on 04/11/2005 7:53:38 PM PDT by ZGuy (A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
Subject: Secret of a long marriage.

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about it.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married,"she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.

She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears.

Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst into tears

He asked where did the money come from, "Oh," she said,"that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

26 posted on 04/11/2005 7:54:30 PM PDT by LUV W (Freedom is on the march. Freedom is the birthright and deep desire of every human soul.GWB 3-29-05)
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To: yall
Here is some really funny stuff to listen to:

BOB AND TOM-MR.OBVIOUS

BOB AND TOM-BAD PICK UP LINES

BOB AND TOM-I'M NOT AS DRUNK AS YOU THINK I AM

BOB AND TOM-BEER RUN

BOB AND TOM-THE DEVIL WAS A NERD IN HIGHSCHOOL

27 posted on 04/11/2005 7:54:37 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross (Code pink stinks!)
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To: writer33
I don't get it! (Hey I am a brunette!!) What you talkin bout W3???

BTW-HUGS!

28 posted on 04/11/2005 7:56:22 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross (Code pink stinks!)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

I classified as "Almost a road geek" - LOL!


29 posted on 04/11/2005 8:00:16 PM PDT by StarCMC (It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden; it's our job to arrange the meeting.)
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To: 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glovebox?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too.


30 posted on 04/11/2005 8:00:31 PM PDT by BykrBayb (Impeach Judge Greer - In memory of Terri Schindler <strike>Schiavo</strike> - www.terrisfight.org)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.

They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings,which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal.

It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund--- but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weiner dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

31 posted on 04/11/2005 8:02:16 PM PDT by Sen Jack S. Fogbound (Term Limits will cure a lot of ills in our country!)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
Rudolph, a retired Communist Party official, is sitting in the den of his Moscow apartment. His wife, Nika, is beside him.

Nika: "Look outside, Rudolph, it has begun to snow."

Rudolph: "No, dear, it is only rain."

A few minutes pass.

Nika: "I think it's sleeting, Rudolph."

Rudolph: "No, it is only rain."

Nika: "How can you be so sure?"

Rudolph: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

32 posted on 04/11/2005 8:02:40 PM PDT by southernnorthcarolina (UNC Tar Heels: NCAA Basketball Champions 1957 - 1982 - 1993 - 2005)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
This guy is standing in line to buy two train tickets to Pittsburgh. He has been watching the lady at the counter (who is well endowed) for several minutes waiting for his turn to be served.

When it's his turn, he promptly tells the lady: "I need two pickets to Tittsburgh". Realizing what he has said, his face immediately turns red and he begins to apologize to the lady. She smiles and tells him that it's OK, she knows what he meant. Embarrassed, he sheepishly looks around to see if anyone overheard his blunder.

An elderly man standing behind him is grinning ear to ear and tells him: "Son, don't be embarrassed. I get my words mixed up all the time. Why just this morning I was sitting at the breakfast table across from my wife and I meant to say; Honey, please pass the toast, but it came out - You Bitch.... you ruined my life!"

33 posted on 04/11/2005 8:03:40 PM PDT by Shadrak ("Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement." Ronald Reagan)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat.

He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy big cigars and cruise around and bulls@#t with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless





Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him.

For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.

You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.


34 posted on 04/11/2005 8:03:47 PM PDT by cowtowney
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
Maria had just got married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mamab's house, she was very nervous.

Her mama reassured her, "Don'ta worry, Maria, Tony's a gooda man. Go upastairs and he'll take care of you. Meanawhile,I'll makea the pasta."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mama. "Mama, Mama", says Maria, "Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don'ta worry, Maria," says her mama, "all gooda men have hairy chests. Go upastairs. He'll take gooda care of you."

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants", said Maria, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don'ta worry! All gooda men have hairy legs. Tony's a gooda man. Go upastairs and he'll take gooda care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs again. "Mama, Mama", says Maria, "Tony's got a foot and a half!

With her eyes wide open, Mama says. "Stay here and stir the pasta."

35 posted on 04/11/2005 8:04:42 PM PDT by Sen Jack S. Fogbound (Term Limits will cure a lot of ills in our country!)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
Grizzled cowboy is sitting on a stool having a beer.

A woman walks up to him and asks if he is a cowboy.

He says "Yes mamn. All my life I've ridden horses, roped, branded and herded cattle"

The woman says "I'm a lesbian. I wake up thinking about women, I think about them at breakfast , lunch and dinner.
I think about women in the shower, at work and after work"

Cowboy has another beer.

Another man comes up to him and asks if he is a cowboy.

Cowboy replies, "I used to think I was a cowboy but I just found out I'm a lesbian"
36 posted on 04/11/2005 8:07:51 PM PDT by TASMANIANRED (Rule # 4. When liberals have factual evidence that their position is wrong they ignore the evidence)
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To: 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub

I don't dare say it. It's too naughty, LOL!

Love you guys - thanks for the flowers!


37 posted on 04/11/2005 8:11:01 PM PDT by JLO (I always TRY to be Minnesota nice)
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A party of Democrats was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, "OK see that big mountain over there?" "Yes," answered the others eagerly. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it." For more republican jokes, join our mailing list: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Republican_Humor
38 posted on 04/11/2005 8:13:33 PM PDT by blueberry12 ("Save the whales. Collect the whole set.")
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

WOO HOO Diva! How fun, thanks!


39 posted on 04/11/2005 8:14:45 PM PDT by laurenmarlowe
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To: TASMANIANRED

LOL!!!
That's my favorite so far!!
Ms.B


40 posted on 04/11/2005 8:18:00 PM PDT by MS.BEHAVIN (If it is not right, do not do it; if it is not true, do not say it. Marcus Aurelius)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
I don't get it! (Hey I am a brunette!!) What you talkin bout W3???

:) Hehehe!

41 posted on 04/11/2005 8:18:19 PM PDT by writer33 ("In Defense of Liberty," a political thriller, being released in March)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.


42 posted on 04/11/2005 8:20:37 PM PDT by TheLion
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Can I tell a blonde joke? (Admin can delete if not allowed...:)

A blonde woman is speeding, and looks in her mirror to see a cruiser with lights flashing, so she pulls over.

A blonde police officer gets out of the cruiser, walks up to the car and says "Your license and registration please."

The blonde woman rummages around in her purse, becoming more and more agitated, before she looks up at the blonde cop and says..."I can't find my license...what does it look like?"

The blonde cop looks at her, grits her teeth as she looks at the heavens, and mutters: "Arrrgh...BLONDES!" Then turning to the driver says in an EXTREMELY sarcastic voice "It's small...rectangular...and it has your face on it."

The blonde driver rummages again frantically in her purse, and in triumph, pulls out a small compact mirror and hands it to the cop.

The blonde cop grits her teeth in exasperation as she looks at it, and says "Arrrggh. You can go, just keep your speed down...when I first pulled you over, why didn't you tell me you were a cop too???"


43 posted on 04/11/2005 8:25:21 PM PDT by rlmorel (Teresa Heinz-Kerry, better known as Kerry's "Noisy Two Legged ATM")
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Hugs back at you, DBR.


44 posted on 04/11/2005 8:26:03 PM PDT by writer33 ("In Defense of Liberty," a political thriller, being released in March)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


45 posted on 04/11/2005 8:27:04 PM PDT by FlingWingFlyer
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."


Great thread Diva!


46 posted on 04/11/2005 8:27:20 PM PDT by NYTexan
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat in a lake below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
 
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"                                          

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault."

 


47 posted on 04/11/2005 8:27:29 PM PDT by USMC Veteran ("Life is tough. Life is tougher if you're stupid." - John Wayne)
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To: writer33
BOB AND TOM-THE CRITTER

SIX FLAGS OVER IRAQ

48 posted on 04/11/2005 8:28:56 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross (Code pink stinks!)
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To: TASMANIANRED; All

This is cute, my MIL mailed it to me...

A man dies and meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates..
St Peter asks him.. "What did you do, in your time on earth to help a fellow human being"?
The man answers: "Well, there was this band of bikers accosting a young lady, I snatched her away from them..
I ripped off their leaders nose ring, punched him in the jaw, kicked over his motorcycle,
and told them..
"If any of you want this woman, you're going to have to come through me first!"
St Peter replied:"Wow, I'm impressed, when did this happen?"
Man: "Oh, just about 5 minutes ago!"


49 posted on 04/11/2005 8:29:21 PM PDT by MS.BEHAVIN (If it is not right, do not do it; if it is not true, do not say it. Marcus Aurelius)
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To: USMC Veteran

LOL! Perfect! Welcome to the Canteen!


50 posted on 04/11/2005 8:30:13 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross (Code pink stinks!)
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