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Freeper Canteen: Tell me your favorite joke! Come join us. April 12,2005
Canteen funny guys

Posted on 04/11/2005 7:30:08 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross

For the freedom you enjoyed yesterday... Thank the Veterans who served in The United States Armed Forces.

Looking forward to tomorrow's freedom? Support The United States Armed Forces Today!

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business

Here is the big question of the day: What is your favorite joke? (please keep it family friendly!) Come into the Canteen and tell us all about it!~

Links below! Wanna surf the internet with me?

I hope that you will find some fun,enlightenment and inspiration within these links. If you are really cool you will follow each one! I hope everyone has a great week. And of course thanks and love goes out to the troops. You guys and gals rock! Thank you-Thank you 100 thousand times!

Find Out If You Are a Road Geek Here

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Slogan Generator Here

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A Very Funny WebSite Here

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Experiments for Hostess Twinkies

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USO Public Service Announcement

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Are we having fun yet?? Hope so!

Support Our Troops Rally Ohio

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Motorcycle News

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Some Income is TAX FREE for Troops!

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Free Video Conferencing online for Troops

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Movies Released April 2005

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Faith Flashes-A Tribute to our Troops

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Tribute to Our Troops

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Looking for a special card to send a special American hero? LOOK HERE!

"Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. Amen."

AWESOME TRIBUTE AND PRAYER WHEEL FOR OUR TROOPS AND THEIR FAMILIES HERE (Make sure to look at the second page)



TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: 229; jokes; military; supportourtroops
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Maybe Dubya doesn't hate Kerry

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his official car when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard.

One of the men, President Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water.

Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

"I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick Cheney, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is considered a spiritual leader with great wisdom."

"Well," President Bush said, "some may think he has great wisdom but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing ... how's the bait holding up?"

 

21 posted on 04/11/2005 7:50:29 PM PDT by StoneGiant
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To: Kathy in Alaska; MoJo2001; LaDivaLoca; bentfeather; beachn4fun; Fawnn; Ragtime Cowgirl; StarCMC; ...
From the men in the Military and the Canteen


22 posted on 04/11/2005 7:51:10 PM PDT by 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub (Have you said Thank You to a service man or woman today?)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross; uncleshag

A proctologist is examing a patient as the patient is bending over his table. The proctologist whispers something to his nurse, who leaves the room. She comes back in a minute and is standing in the doorway holding a bottle of beer. The proctologist looks at her with a puzzled look for a moment and then says to her: No, no. I said to bring me a butt light.


23 posted on 04/11/2005 7:51:13 PM PDT by doug from upland (MOCKING DEMOCRATS 24/7 --- www.rightwingparodies.com)
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To: All
To every service man or woman reading this thread.
Thank You for your service to our country.
No matter where you are stationed,
No matter what your job description
Know that we are are proud of each and everyone of you.


To our military readers, we remain steadfast in keeping the Canteen doors open.
The FR Canteen is Free Republics longest running daily thread specifically designed
to provide entertainment and morale support for the military.

The doors have been open since Oct 7 2001,
the day of the start of the war in Afghanistan.

We are indebted to you for your sacrifices for our Freedom.


FR CANTEEN MISSION STATEMENT
Showing support and boosting the morale of
our military and our allies military
and the family members of the above.
Honoring those who have served before.
CLICK HERE TO FIND LATEST THREAD.



24 posted on 04/11/2005 7:52:13 PM PDT by 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub (Have you said Thank You to a service man or woman today?)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like hell. It races toward the two men, flies right past them, leaps in the air, and jumps right into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."


25 posted on 04/11/2005 7:53:38 PM PDT by ZGuy (A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
Subject: Secret of a long marriage.

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about it.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married,"she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.

She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears.

Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst into tears

He asked where did the money come from, "Oh," she said,"that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

26 posted on 04/11/2005 7:54:30 PM PDT by LUV W (Freedom is on the march. Freedom is the birthright and deep desire of every human soul.GWB 3-29-05)
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To: yall
Here is some really funny stuff to listen to:

BOB AND TOM-MR.OBVIOUS

BOB AND TOM-BAD PICK UP LINES

BOB AND TOM-I'M NOT AS DRUNK AS YOU THINK I AM

BOB AND TOM-BEER RUN

BOB AND TOM-THE DEVIL WAS A NERD IN HIGHSCHOOL

27 posted on 04/11/2005 7:54:37 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross (Code pink stinks!)
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To: writer33
I don't get it! (Hey I am a brunette!!) What you talkin bout W3???

BTW-HUGS!

28 posted on 04/11/2005 7:56:22 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross (Code pink stinks!)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

I classified as "Almost a road geek" - LOL!


29 posted on 04/11/2005 8:00:16 PM PDT by StarCMC (It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden; it's our job to arrange the meeting.)
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To: 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glovebox?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too.


30 posted on 04/11/2005 8:00:31 PM PDT by BykrBayb (Impeach Judge Greer - In memory of Terri Schindler <strike>Schiavo</strike> - www.terrisfight.org)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.

They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings,which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal.

It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund--- but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weiner dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

31 posted on 04/11/2005 8:02:16 PM PDT by Sen Jack S. Fogbound (Term Limits will cure a lot of ills in our country!)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
Rudolph, a retired Communist Party official, is sitting in the den of his Moscow apartment. His wife, Nika, is beside him.

Nika: "Look outside, Rudolph, it has begun to snow."

Rudolph: "No, dear, it is only rain."

A few minutes pass.

Nika: "I think it's sleeting, Rudolph."

Rudolph: "No, it is only rain."

Nika: "How can you be so sure?"

Rudolph: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

32 posted on 04/11/2005 8:02:40 PM PDT by southernnorthcarolina (UNC Tar Heels: NCAA Basketball Champions 1957 - 1982 - 1993 - 2005)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
This guy is standing in line to buy two train tickets to Pittsburgh. He has been watching the lady at the counter (who is well endowed) for several minutes waiting for his turn to be served.

When it's his turn, he promptly tells the lady: "I need two pickets to Tittsburgh". Realizing what he has said, his face immediately turns red and he begins to apologize to the lady. She smiles and tells him that it's OK, she knows what he meant. Embarrassed, he sheepishly looks around to see if anyone overheard his blunder.

An elderly man standing behind him is grinning ear to ear and tells him: "Son, don't be embarrassed. I get my words mixed up all the time. Why just this morning I was sitting at the breakfast table across from my wife and I meant to say; Honey, please pass the toast, but it came out - You Bitch.... you ruined my life!"

33 posted on 04/11/2005 8:03:40 PM PDT by Shadrak ("Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement." Ronald Reagan)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat.

He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy big cigars and cruise around and bulls@#t with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless





Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him.

For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.

You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.


34 posted on 04/11/2005 8:03:47 PM PDT by cowtowney
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
Maria had just got married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mamab's house, she was very nervous.

Her mama reassured her, "Don'ta worry, Maria, Tony's a gooda man. Go upastairs and he'll take care of you. Meanawhile,I'll makea the pasta."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mama. "Mama, Mama", says Maria, "Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don'ta worry, Maria," says her mama, "all gooda men have hairy chests. Go upastairs. He'll take gooda care of you."

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants", said Maria, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don'ta worry! All gooda men have hairy legs. Tony's a gooda man. Go upastairs and he'll take gooda care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs again. "Mama, Mama", says Maria, "Tony's got a foot and a half!

With her eyes wide open, Mama says. "Stay here and stir the pasta."

35 posted on 04/11/2005 8:04:42 PM PDT by Sen Jack S. Fogbound (Term Limits will cure a lot of ills in our country!)
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To: Diva Betsy Ross
Grizzled cowboy is sitting on a stool having a beer.

A woman walks up to him and asks if he is a cowboy.

He says "Yes mamn. All my life I've ridden horses, roped, branded and herded cattle"

The woman says "I'm a lesbian. I wake up thinking about women, I think about them at breakfast , lunch and dinner.
I think about women in the shower, at work and after work"

Cowboy has another beer.

Another man comes up to him and asks if he is a cowboy.

Cowboy replies, "I used to think I was a cowboy but I just found out I'm a lesbian"
36 posted on 04/11/2005 8:07:51 PM PDT by TASMANIANRED (Rule # 4. When liberals have factual evidence that their position is wrong they ignore the evidence)
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To: 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub

I don't dare say it. It's too naughty, LOL!

Love you guys - thanks for the flowers!


37 posted on 04/11/2005 8:11:01 PM PDT by JLO (I always TRY to be Minnesota nice)
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A party of Democrats was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, "OK see that big mountain over there?" "Yes," answered the others eagerly. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it." For more republican jokes, join our mailing list: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Republican_Humor
38 posted on 04/11/2005 8:13:33 PM PDT by blueberry12 ("Save the whales. Collect the whole set.")
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To: Diva Betsy Ross

WOO HOO Diva! How fun, thanks!


39 posted on 04/11/2005 8:14:45 PM PDT by laurenmarlowe
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To: TASMANIANRED

LOL!!!
That's my favorite so far!!
Ms.B


40 posted on 04/11/2005 8:18:00 PM PDT by MS.BEHAVIN (If it is not right, do not do it; if it is not true, do not say it. Marcus Aurelius)
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