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Posted on 04/11/2005 7:30:08 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross
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:) Hehehe!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Can I tell a blonde joke? (Admin can delete if not allowed...:)
A blonde woman is speeding, and looks in her mirror to see a cruiser with lights flashing, so she pulls over.
A blonde police officer gets out of the cruiser, walks up to the car and says "Your license and registration please."
The blonde woman rummages around in her purse, becoming more and more agitated, before she looks up at the blonde cop and says..."I can't find my license...what does it look like?"
The blonde cop looks at her, grits her teeth as she looks at the heavens, and mutters: "Arrrgh...BLONDES!" Then turning to the driver says in an EXTREMELY sarcastic voice "It's small...rectangular...and it has your face on it."
The blonde driver rummages again frantically in her purse, and in triumph, pulls out a small compact mirror and hands it to the cop.
The blonde cop grits her teeth in exasperation as she looks at it, and says "Arrrggh. You can go, just keep your speed down...when I first pulled you over, why didn't you tell me you were a cop too???"
Hugs back at you, DBR.
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
Great thread Diva!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat in a lake below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault."
This is cute, my MIL mailed it to me...
A man dies and meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates..
St Peter asks him.. "What did you do, in your time on earth to help a fellow human being"?
The man answers: "Well, there was this band of bikers accosting a young lady, I snatched her away from them..
I ripped off their leaders nose ring, punched him in the jaw, kicked over his motorcycle,
and told them..
"If any of you want this woman, you're going to have to come through me first!"
St Peter replied:"Wow, I'm impressed, when did this happen?"
Man: "Oh, just about 5 minutes ago!"
LOL! Perfect! Welcome to the Canteen!
TEX!!! HIYA and HUGS! LOL to your joke.
Thanks, DBR.
(snicker) Welcome to the Canteen! Thanks for popping in!
OMG - howling!!
Backatcha Darlin!
Three expectant mothers were sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room. Two of the ladies began to chat about their pregnancies, and their due dates and such.
One of the women said to the other, "I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when my baby was conceived, my husband was on top."
Replied the other woman, "Oh! That must mean that I'm going to have a girl, because when my baby was conceived, I was on top."
The third woman suddenly burst noisily into tears. Concerned, the other two ladies turned to her and asked, "My heavens, what ever is wrong?"
The third woman wailed tearfully, "I'm afraid that I may be having a puppy!"
Okay, here is a non-blonde joke:
There's this guy sitting in a bar in the top floor of a skyscraper, having a drink. An obviously drunk fellow sits down next to him, and says in a slurred voice:
"You know, it is really amazing. The updrafts from the wind here are so strong you can jump out the window, but you can't fall to the ground, the wind just pushes you back up into the window.
The guy looks at the drunk fellow and says "I don't believe that for a second. That's just plain crazy."
The drunk fellow goes "No, really. I'll show you...I do it all the time because people don't believe me, and it's a blast!" Whereapon he steps into the window, puts his arms out and leans forward and falls out.
Before the horrified guy can even do anything, the drunk reappears in the window, pushed back in by the updraft. He says "See? It's a real rush!!!"
The guy says "That's WILD! He steps into the window, puts his arms out and leans forward and..."AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....." falls all the way to the ground.
When the drunk walks back to the bar, the bartender, as he cleans a glass, says to the drunk: "Boy, you sure are a mean SOB when you drink, Superman."
ROFLOL!!
Thanks. I've been lurking at the Canteen for a month or so. When the joke thread came up, I couldn't resist. I love humor.
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