They can keep the octopus and urchins and seaweed, thanks.
Posted on 04/17/2005 7:50:07 AM PDT by nuconvert
How to make sushi
BY DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Nov. 29, 1998.)
Today's culinary topic is: How to make sushi. I happen to be an expert on this topic because I recently put in a stint as a chef at an actual sushi restaurant. (One of the first things you learn, as a sushi chef, is how to put in a stint.)
Before I give you the details, I should explain, for the benefit of those of you who live in remote wilderness regions such as Iowa, what sushi is. Basically, it is a type of cuisine developed by the Japanese as part of an ancient tradition of seeing what is the scariest thing they can get you to eat raw.
The way they do this is, they start out by serving you a nice, non-threatening piece of fish, from which all the identifying fish parts have been removed. This fish is safe to eat and tasty. But the trick is that it's served with a green condiment called ''wasabi,'' which is the Japanese word for ''nuclear horseradish.'' This is an extremely spicy substance, the formula for which must never be allowed to fall into the hands of Saddam Hussein. If you put more than two wasabi molecules on your sushi and eat it, your hair will burst into flames.
So after consuming some wasabi, you naturally order a cool, refreshing Japanese beer to pour on your head and perhaps, since you have the bottle in your hand anyway, wet your whistle with. The result is that your judgment becomes impaired, which is when they start trying to get you to eat prank food, such as sea-urchin eggs.
Sea urchins are vicious, golf-ball shaped, poison-spined sea creatures whose sole ecological purpose is to ruin your tropical vacation by deliberately not getting out of your way when you are wading barefoot. If you eat the eggs of this animal, and fail to chew them thoroughly, you could develop an alarming medical condition that doctors call ``baby sea urchins walking around inside your body poking holes in your spleen.''
Other prank foods that they will try to get you to eat at sushi bars include eels, clam parts, jellyfish, tentacles with flagrant suckers, and shrimps with their eyeballs still waving around on stalks. If you eat those, the waiter will become brazen and start bringing out chunks of coral and live electric eels.
My point is that, in a sushi restaurant, you must watch carefully what you eat. (This is exactly what ''The Star-Spangled Banner'' is referring to when it says, ''o'er the clam parts we watched.'' )
Despite this, I happen to be a big fan of non-prank sushi. And so when Bok An, the proprietor of Sakura, my local sushi restaurant in Coral Gables, Fla., invited me to be a guest sushi chef, I enthusiastically answered: ''No!'' I was afraid that I'd have to touch an eel. I am 51 years old, and I did not get this far by touching eels. But Bok assured me that we would stick to basic fish species such as tuna, salmon and cucumber.
And thus I found myself one Tuesday night, wearing a samurai-style headband and standing behind the sushi bar, blending in perfectly with the other sushi chefs, except that my headband was actually the belt of my bathrobe. Bok stood next to me and prepared various sushi items, and I attempted to imitate him.
Here's the recipe: You start with a little rectangle made of dried seaweed (I asked Bok where the seaweed comes from, thinking he would name some ancient Japanese seaside village, and he said, ``a distributor''). Then you pick up a glob of special sticky rice and spread it evenly on the seaweed. At least Bok did. The majority of my rice remained firmly stuck to my hands and started migrating to other parts of my body. I may have to have it removed surgically.
Next, you cut up your ingredients, using a lethal-looking, extremely sharp sushi knife that causes professional sushi chefs to become very nervous when it is being wielded by a professional humor columnist. Then you put these ingredients on the rice and execute the secret sushi-rolling technique, which is difficult to describe in English words, as we can see by this actual transcript of Bok explaining it to me: ``OK, you go like this, Boom! Then you go, Boom! Boom! Boom!''
The thing was, when Bok went boom, he produced this attractive, appetizing cylinder of sushi. Whereas when I went boom, I produced this mutant food unit leaking random seafood parts. I also had a problem with my sizing: Sushi rolls are supposed to be small, bite-size morsels; mine were more along the lines of seaweed-covered hams. But I kept trying.
Remember the movie ''Karate Kid,'' where the mean bully beats up Ralph Macchio, but then Ralph studies karate under Mr. Miyagi, and then finally, in the big tournament, with everybody watching, Ralph stuns the bully by rolling a reasonably tight cucumber roll? Well, that's what I did. In fact, I may have a knack for it.
So if one day you walk into a Japanese restaurant, and you see, standing behind the sushi bar, what appears to be a man-size blob of rice wearing a blue bathrobe belt on its head, feel free to say hi. But keep your distance if I'm holding a knife.
Yup, that's how I feel about raw clams and oysters, too.....bait.
I would try it if I could afford it. We all have to die sometime.
Dave meets sushi, pong
What is he talking about? Fresh Wasabi is good stuff, its not that hot! ...what a wimp. ...Now, Habanero Peppers are hot.
Shellfish is the only sushi I refuse to touch...well that, and the Spam nigiri they had in Hawaii (the mahi mahi sushi, however, was great). Although I enjoy octopus, I always feel guilty about eating such an intelligent creature.
Another place that was supposed to be THE sushi spot locally was on A Street in Hayward.
Their sushi was ok but the best dish in the joint was called beef foilyaki. Never heard of it before and never seen it anywhere but there. Mmmm.
I keep waiting for the inevitable scene in some Farrelly brothers movie where a character pretends to have a cold, and stuffs wasabi up his nose to simulate snot...
When I was in New Zealand, all the sushi places were run by Koreans.
An interesting statement from an endocrinologist.
Is he referring just to rice or to all complex carbohydrates?
The only raw sea creatures I don't eat (so far) is the
salmon (cuz it can migrate to fresh water, where parasites
can get in), eel, octopi, and a few others....
But since the world is getting so polluted, and you never
know who the "distributor" is...I feel a little less comfortable
eating everything raw...so now I tend to get that phoney
"crab" sushi stuff..also I notice some sushi bars now
cook the fish, and put in or on top of the rice section...
Wasabi is very good.. I love the way it hits your head,
then travels to the tip of your nose, and then your
head blows up, and then it subsides...
Actually I think most people like the sushi cuz of the
soy sauce, and a bit of wasabi...cause sushi,by itself,
doesn't taste THAT good.
Just rice. For some reason, it retains vitamins and proteins in other foods eaten along with it, allowing for them to be absorbed more efficiently. He says that in my case, he thinks I have celiac disease (there's a family history, and I have some symptoms, although every test I have had for it has come up negative), and that I can't properly absorb nutrients when I eat foods with wheat or other gluten products, so it was more noticeable when I shifted to a principally rice-based diet.
yes, that was kinda my point... MOST sushi doesn't have it and those are the only ones the kids will eat
If someone actually put wasabi up their nose it would not only simulate snot, it would stimulate snot.
ABC CBS NBC CNN its all the SAME, Propaganda.
Might as well call them all AmeriJazerra.
Show them how much Gravitas Hugh Bris has. Vote with your remote! Shut down the Alphabet channels.
He's Got A Plan
Zippo Hero
Seven Dead Monkeys Page O Tunes
Great - now I have to see if I have enough $$ to eat sushi tonight.
Especially after seeing the pictures... ;)
But it tastes so good!
Unagi is the best!
There is no such thing as "too much wasabi". My wife and I dump it on so that you can feel your scalp shrink as it hits.
Intriguing...
That could mean that preferring to eat rice would make other foods stretch further for whole populations of people in areas of potential famine.
Phoney crab
my wife calls it plab.
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