More 20-somethings depending on parents again

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - (KRT) - Signs of the new normal for young adults seem to be piling up like ripe sweat socks in the bedroom of your 20-something son down the hall.

We used to dismiss it as a "slacker" thing - an odd fad, we thought, of a generation that appeared content to take its sweet time before leaving the nest, finishing college, getting married and making commitments their parents began considering at 18.

Researchers now prefer the term "adultescence," and they're not kidding. The life stage between the late teens and late 20s is undergoing what many describe as a permanent transformation brought on by economic, educational and even biological forces, all irreversible.

"It has happened quietly, and it's here to stay," said David Morrison, president of Twentysomething Inc., a market research firm that has tracked the lifestyles of young adults for 15 years. "The stigma of depending on your parents is gone."

Consider some of the factors: Grinding college debt. Spiraling home values. An ideal of marriage, tempered by a culture of divorce, that waits for the perfect soul mate.

Gone is the labor economy of high-paying factory jobs that once offered a lifetime of security after high school. Here to stay, at least for a few more decades, are baby-boom parents who easily fret and don't mind indulging their kids.

The average age of U.S. women marrying for the first time has climbed from about 21 to 26 since 1970.

The average age of first-time homebuyers has climbed from 29 to 33 in the last decade.

Four-year bachelor's degrees now usually take five years to complete. Students juggle more and longer internships, often unpaid, enabling workplaces to get by without expanding their staffs.

One in five 26-year-olds is living with a parent, according to a recent Time cover story that coined yet another generational label, "twixters."

They are "a new breed of young people who won't - or can't? - settle down," the magazine proclaimed. "They're betwixt and between."

In March even the U.S. Supreme Court weighed in on the elastic state of maturity, bumping up to 18 the minimum age that young murderers can face execution for their crimes.

Before ruling, the court reviewed new studies showing some areas of judgment and reason in the brain do not fully develop until well into a person's 20s.

So, get used to adultescents - also known as the "kidults," "thresholders," and "boomerang babies." Sociologists say we will be seeing more in years to come.

In fact, their numbers are multiplying worldwide: Germany calls them nesthockers, or nest squatters. Italy has charted a 50 percent increase since 1990 in mammones, or people who won't eat anywhere but mama's.

In the Kansas City region, more college graduates are returning home to stay a spell with their parents, and more parents seem happy to help in the face of harsh economic truths.

"My dad couldn't wait to see me come back," said Brandee Smith, 25, who last year stopped throwing her monthly paycheck at an Overland Park, Kan., apartment and returned to her childhood home. She is now stowing away savings from her marketing job to make a down payment on a house of her own.

"It's nice to come home after a 10-hour workday with dinner already made and brownies waiting," the University of Kansas graduate said. "Even though you've graduated, a lot of parents don't see you as a complete adult."

Or, in the prevailing view, 21st-century market forces won't let you become a complete adult.

"I used to think raising kids was a 21-year commitment, but now I think it's more like 25 to 28 years," said Pat Stilen, a single mother in the Northland who welcomed back daughter Mary Stilen a few years ago.

Mary, then a recent graduate of the University of Nebraska, was working in a restaurant while struggling to land a career tied to her broadcast journalism major.

An 18-month stay in mom's basement allowed Mary Stilen to pay off $5,000 in credit card bills, make a dent in her student loans, replace the car she had been driving since 16 and recalibrate her future. Now she works in a dean's office at the University of Missouri-Kansas City, where she is close to receiving a master's of business administration degree.

"I'd encourage parents to get past their old expectations of when kids will become independent," Pat Stilen said. "Economic times are such, the rules have to change."

The rules already have shifted for a generation that, so far, isn't living as well now compared with when their parents got rolling. For full-time workers between ages 25 and 34, annual earnings adjusted for inflation dropped 17 percent from 1971 to 2002.

Other evidence indicates young adults are choosing to wait longer for their independence. And as life expectancy climbs, experts think that's OK. Could putting off a long-term commitment such as home-buying stave off bankruptcy down the road?

"Some of this is choice, but so much more relates to jobs and the economy," said Robert Thompson, a professor of pop culture at Syracuse University. "Used to be, at 18, you could start testing the waters of adulthood. ... Now, it's a master's degree and beyond to stay ahead.

"It's not so much that society is getting used to it. It's that social and economic forces have set it up in the first place."

Delayed adulthood appears to be taking root in the teen years - driving a car, for example.

As of 2002, only 43 percent of youths ages 16 and 17 were licensed drivers, down from 52 percent a decade earlier, according to a recent report of the Federal Highway Administration and the U.S. Census Bureau.

Although America boasts about a half-million more teens in that age group than two decades ago, those with driver's licenses dropped from 4.1 million to 3.5 million.

"Every generation has its rites of passage, and it used to be getting a driver's license," said Janet Rose, a lecturer of American studies at UMKC. "But at the moment, something like body piercing seems as meaningful a rite of passage."

Soaring gasoline prices don't help. Neither do high insurance costs, especially for the young. Both of these factors have spurred public schools to drop driver education unless a huge fee comes with it.

"I've got friends who drive and some who don't - it's pretty equal," said Patrick Camacho of Lenexa, Kan., who is taking courses at the Kansas Driving School so he may get his license the week he turns 17. "I want to be able to go where I want."

But given that teens are far more accident-prone than are drivers in their 30s, it may be that yesterday's notions about the entry age of adulthood were nonsense.

As the Supreme Court found in reconsidering the death penalty for youths, the latest science shows strong evidence that areas of the brain mature slower than researchers traditionally thought.

Forget the old method of simply weighing brains to determine growth: at age 18 or 40, they seem identical. Yet when it comes to gray matter and the millions of cerebral connections that make humans think like adults, magnetic resonance imaging reveals the wiring may not be fully complete until the mid- to late-20s.

The connections related to impulse, judgment and "thinking ahead" are the last to be soldered.

At Harvard Medical School, researchers have found that youths as old as 17 don't always tap the same brain areas as do 30-year-old subjects when shown photos of people's faces and asked to name the correct emotion.

"If someone insults you at work, an older teen is more likely to throw a punch where an adult would pause and make a sarcastic comment," said sociologist James Cote of the University of Western Ontario.

Before today's "emerging adults" feel ready to plunge into the real world, some such as Anthony Shop choose to pace themselves in hopes of getting it right the first time.

Shop is a senior at William Jewell College. He has a Truman Scholarship to attend the graduate school of his pick. First he'll spend at least a year trying out jobs in journalism, speechwriting or something dealing in international relations.

"Right now I'm thinking international relations ... but it kind of changes by the month," said Shop. "At 22, I don't think it's necessary to choose a permanent career, so long as I'm exploring and thinking about it. Some people have no idea."

Hardly a slacker, Shop already has seen England and Germany as a student. So why wait longer to complete his studies?

Grab an internship or two, or even six. See other places, try different fields, know what you want, enjoy. It's as much the advice of boomers as it is the natural calling of adultescents.

"We're probably hearing that more from family and professionals in their 40s and 50s," Shop said. "People of that generation look back and think maybe they could've taken more time."

While caution beats rushing into a chosen field, sociologist Cote places some of the cause of stalled adulthood on elders dishing up "false promises and false hopes" to the young.

"We give everyone as much choice as possible. We tell them they all can become doctors or lawyers, when we know the truth is relatively few people wind up there," Cote said. "That's either too much hope or we're lying to them."

He was 18 when he first entered college, and his circuitous journey through academia continues. Now a KU graduate student, Kramer finally will land a master's degree in higher education administration next month.

"If you think back to the mid-80s, when I started, all the yuppies were living life in the fast lane," Kramer said. "The message was: Go out and get it now."

So he tried. Just two weeks after Kramer graduated from high school, his impulses - overcharged by the breakup of his parents - drove him to enter Ball State University in Indiana.

That college dismissed him a couple of times as Kramer jumped from one hot-ticket pursuit to the next.

"Gosh, I've had so many majors," he said: accounting, chemical technology, exercise physiology. He gave up classes for a stretch in the 1990s, worked full time and got married. In the late-`90s economic boom, he enrolled full time at Purdue University in hopes of becoming a financial planner.

"In `99, I'd listen to all the experts about going into financial planning. ... Then the economy went bad." And his marriage fell apart. He moved back in with his mother before he landed at KU.

Interning at KU's Student Involvement and Leadership Center, Kramer assists nontraditional students wade through financial needs, child-care issues and life's ever-changing expectations.

"The life stage between the late teens and late 20s is undergoing what many describe as a permanent transformation brought on by economic, educational and even biological forces, all irreversible."

Nothing is irreversible. The rest of the article means nothing after that early comment.

Frankly I don't see anything wrong with living with your family, and I don't understand why people are so down on this. People lived with their families for thousands of years ...In most of the world, young people live with their families until marriage

Agreed. Why do people freak out about this? Now, if a 20-something won't get a job, won't help with house chores, etc, yes, that punk needs to be kicked out. But if he works, pays his own bills, and pulls his own weight, why not? Instead of wasting money on renting his own place, bank the money for a future matrimonial nest egg. That's what I did.

Of course, I'm old-fashioned. If you're living an upright single life, there's nothing to hide from your parents; but if you are engaging in premarital sex, then of course you need your own place for privacy. Otherwise, there's no need to move out til marriage.

DOUBLE GOOD for you!

I was a history major. So far, I've had three careers. A degree was not needed for any of them. All that means is that a degree should help you to think and study problems and questions, etc.

So far, I've been in politics, broadcasting and money management. What's next!?

Yup, much of it is a big lie, especially college, which is a tremendous waste of time and money for most people, and unecessary for most non-technical jobs and which puts people in tremendous debt, much of it at public expense. Even those degrees that are technically oriented could cut many classes from their curriculum and make their programs shorter and less expensive

My Ph.D. in Chemistry was a waste; in retrospect I would have been better off just going to work with a bachelor's degree and learning on the job. Too late for me, but I'll warn my kids to steer clear of the gradschool trap.

And yes, if they're making an honest living and pulling their weight, they are welcome to live at home till they marry.

Baby boomers aren't paying for college so the kids have alot of debt. Divorce if so high that these kids have no one helping them make decisions because their parents are too concerned with themselves. 20 year olds now have to pay auto insurance, health care, and high taxes on everything. When I moved out in the 70's, car insurance was an option, health care was cheap, renting was cheap, gas for my car was 70 cents, ciggs were 50 cents.

Good points too. You got so much crap that we have to put up with today that you didn't back then and it costs more. I know in one post, I mentioned about life prior to World War II and how hard economically it was in th cities, but at least back then, you could hopefully get out of there and go out in the country and do something.

Also these kids are lied too. College is NOT for everyone. You still have to have a high IQ to graduate in a good major. Yet the boomers want their kids to go to college , take out loans and let the tax payer worry about them paying it back.

I think the college mentra started during Vietnam, at least for men because it was a way to get out of the draft. Even if you took "advanced basket weaving" (I know, hyperbole, but you see what I mean) in college, you were still in college hopefully biding your time until you got too old for the draft. College ain't for everyone, myself, I think I would have waited a few year before I went.

"College education is a waste on an 18 year old. Too much partying. Let'em work in the real world a while (as I did as an enlisted man for 4 years) to learn what life is really like and to gain some focus, then go to back to school when you are able to understand the serious business that college is. My 2 cents worth."

I turned out pretty good, but still wish I had taken the route you describe above.

On the other hand, it would have meant serving under Clintigula the Slimy...

Maybe I'm just getting old, but it seems to me like "kids these days" have unrealistic wage expectations when they graduate. (Particularly those who major in any one of the many unemployable fields.)

Moreover, it doesn't bode well for us all if these - the future leaders of our country - automatically default to a philosphy of dependence on others when times are tough.

As usual, the person with that little something "extra" will find he has many more options. If he is the 18-year-old who DOES move out of dad's basement and gets started on a career while all his friends are doing bong hits and slacking at Burger King, he'll find himself much more valued when the slackers hit the job market in earnest, and he'll have half a decade of experience on them.

The key is to be the fish that doesn't swim with the school. But as powerful as conformity was when I was a kid, it seems to be even more influential these days. Most 18-year-olds won't have the guts to challenge their peer values.

"While caution beats rushing into a chosen field, sociologist Cote places some of the cause of stalled adulthood on elders dishing up "false promises and false hopes" to the young. "

My first thought on this was what a bunch of BS. On reflection there may be some truth here. My inheritance from my Dad was him telling me throughout my childhood: "You've got a smart mother and a smart father, you figure it out." Being a stupid kid who believed everything I was told, I began to believe this also. I can even remember my train of thought when I first heard this...........If my parents are smart......then that means, I'm smart........and if I'm smart, I can probably figure things out on my own. Down side to this is I am pretty independent and on the brink of becoming a crotchety old conservative.

I have given presentations with this story and many people came up to me later saying they wish their parents had told them this.

I do think that's what it's about when many people say they would NEVER consider living with their parents. They want to maintain an active "dating" (sex) life, and they want to party.

True. Sin is expensive.

Unfortunately, this "a man must have his own place" ideology has crept over into the Christian world (along with the equally demonic "don't get married til you're 30" mantra, which is also rooted in the forniculture). Many Christian women refuse to consider dating a man living with his folks; they'd rather date the guy who blows all his money on a fancy apartment and a "cool" car. Then they wonder why the guy has no money saved up for having a family!!!

In cheaper parts of the country, it's not such an either-or choice, but in California, that's often how it works. You can be frugal, or "cool", but not both.

With housing prices what they are sometimes that is the option. It's not always about being sponges. Anyway, if the parents agree to it it's nobody else's business.

While I certainly agree that having family members help with genuine financial needs is preferable to welfare, I disagree with the part of your statement that refers to housing prices.

I fear that too many kids today don't know what it's like to sacrifice, in order to get what's really important to them. Sure, housing prices in places like downtown Manhattan and the more chic places in California are outrageous, and probably beyond the reach of most 20-something college grads.

But, is living in those kinds of places truely imperative? Does a typical housing decsion always have to be: $3500/month, 1200 sq. ft. loft in Manhattan vs. going back to mom and dad's? Do those same living accomodations have to be supplied with the latest electronic gadgetry such as plasma TVs, digital cable, and furnished by Pottery Barn?

Couldn't that enterprising college graduate get a roommate, or take an apartment farther away from the trendy spots? That would go against everything that these young adults see on TV, and in the popular culture. Advertising almost suggests that adults in that age bracket live far beyond their means, and for the many that can't afford it, "going back to the parents" has to feel like the only other option.

I live in a neighborhood of immigrants, and their children are expected to live at home, until marriage or until they buy their own homes. Or, like my next door neighbors, the youngest kid married, stayed at home, and then purchased the parents out of their home. Now the parents pay the kid rent.

Anyway, historically, staying at home until marriage is normal. What is odd was the trend in the US, starting in the 60's, of kids moving out as soon as possible (drugs, sex and rock'n'roll).

Having kids stay at home longer is a great trend (as long as the parents enjoy it) that will allow these kids to stay out of debt, and get on a firmer financial footing.

One other trend that no one brought up is that graduate degrees are being required for more jobs now. I think there's been "degree inflation" as many more people have gotten undergraduate degrees in the past thirty years, and so to narrow the field, you now need a graduate degree.

I know this is common in Europe and elsewhere in the world, in fact, my dentist, he's of Chinese ancestry, he's in his 30's and still lives at home.

This a normal human arrangement. Children when they grow up they become the heads of the household and their old parents "live at home".

That way the old parents/grandparents have place to stay and well deserved support while they contribute to the care for grandchildren. Nothing more normal! Sooner this age-long and correct custom is restored the better.

Instead of wasting money on renting his own place, bank the money for a future matrimonial nest egg. That's what I did.

You hit on something. If kids could sock more money away for retirement while they are in their early 20s, that would make a huge difference in the amount of money they could have for their retirement, than if they started saving in their late 20s/early 30s.

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