Skip to comments.The Wildlife of Planet Cornell (funny!)
Posted on 05/05/2005 10:29:06 AM PDT by freespirited
From Aristotle to Linnaeus to Darwin, naturalists have been fascinated with the organisms that populate their environment. Like the Galapagos Islands, Cornell provides a sheltered habitat to a riotous array of creatures that would surely perish under harsher conditions. I've spent three years cataloging my observations of the vast biodiversity on campus, so here I report a rough taxonomy of the local fauna.
The Fire-Breathing Nighthawk. This formidable species can be found giving seditious public lectures, flirting with terrorist groups and abusing anyone who asks hard questions. Distinct from their credulous student spawn, these dreadful herdmasters can be identified by their large salaries and unhinged conspiracy theories. Prone to wild gesticulation and changes in coloration when confronted with facts. Periodically migrate by first-class air to trendy spots like the West Bank and Libya. Feral; use tranquilizer darts.
The Gray-Tufted Nostalgic Lamprey. Physically less imposing than their fearsome and often irreversibly tenured colleagues, comprising the bulk of the liberal arts faculty. These herbivorous throwbacks can be identified by their poor hygiene, old Volvos and apparent lack of vertebrae or testicles. As committed Marxists, a century of genocide poses a bothersome snag; thus, they're prone to historical revisionism and faddish prejudices. These aging, conformist pseudo-radicals still regard themselves as courageous rebels, despite having built a habitat cleansed of all but lock-step sycophants. Found in organic markets, peace protests and pricey restaurants.
The Dour-Billed Racial Supremacist. Occupying a distinct niche in academic ecology, this scavenger species is characterized by a hatred of men, whites, heterosexuals and monotheistic religions except Islam. Intellectually inbred, members openly promote intolerance against dissenters, justify discrimination against disfavored out-groups and celebrate segregated housing. Tend to support boycotts of Israel and worship St. Pancake. Frequently call their opponents racists, whine about McCarthyism and quote Orwell without a shred of irony.
The Yellow-Bellied Liberal (common name: useful idiot; Democrat). These beings often inhabit "hard" disciplines such as science or business and are generally domesticated. However, their potential is stunted by the cultural conventions of their local milieu. Thus, they may be difficult to distinguish from their close relative, the Gray-Tufted Lamprey. While they display similar slogans on their bumper stickers and yard signs, this species is more naïve than malevolent. Can exhibit a sense of humor and reluctantly admit that capitalism is okay.
The Common Sandal-Footed Warbler (a.k.a. the College Know-It-All Hippie). Thriving on a diet of granola, cannabis and beer, this species tends to migrate to Europe for a semester and come back convinced they're smarter than everyone else. Males often boast an unkempt mane, a flabby physique and incoherent chatter about social paradigms. Some resort to comically futile "direct actions," as if going limp while being hauled off by muscular cops is a shrewd strategy for either attracting a mate or effecting social change. Provocatively weak; point and laugh.
The Belly-Ringed Street Flamingo. This ubiquitous specimen can be instantly identified by the tribal lower back tattoo, bottled water, cell phone and modified Valley Girl twitter. Many mock the mating rituals performed for them, though most reserve the right to abort the results of any such ill-considered liaisons. Grazing habits are erratic, resembling that of anything from chipmunks to mastodons. Not to be confused with the Booze-Beaked Gutterslut, although there may be overlap between the species.
The Dreadlocked Nighthawk. Obedient acolytes of the Fire-Breathing Nighthawk, this species marks its territory with anti-war, pro-Palestinian and anti-globalization rallies, although any opportunity for vandalism and mayhem will do. Often liberate mice from laboratories, destroy research crops or set fire to car dealerships and new housing developments. Even less coherent than their herdmasters, as evidenced by the blend of anarchist, pacifist and militant communist slogans that sprout from the mob. It is uncertain where they nest or how they survive, seeing as few have any socially adaptive skills. Radio tag, vaccinate against rabies and release.
The Pro-American Condor (endangered species list). Takes refuge in the ROTC program, fraternities and independent newspapers, their very existence is regarded as a scourge. Hunted to extinction like the buffalo, the habitat of this sturdy species has been laid waste by ideological sprawl. While enjoying a solid base of support in their native territories, members soon learn how drastically their small numbers disturb the delicate campus habitat. Self-directed enough to make their first million before age 30 and return to enslave their oppressors, but will probably be too busy running the country.
The Normal Kid Who Just Wants a Decent Education. Sadly, this community occupies the largest ecological niche and yet remains the most overlooked. The worker bees whose tuition keeps the entire ecosystem afloat, they are often drowned out by the hysterical cacophony and illusory plumage of the predator species. Upon release into the wild, some wind up psychotic, some remain balanced, some just have no idea what happened; most migrate to law school.
Seriously. "Progressive" radicals are transforming America's liberal arts colleges into a system of madrassahs rivaling Pakistan's. Professors are more interested in recruiting kids to their extremist causes than imparting to them the tools required to be productive citizens. What useful knowledge we manage to obtain in these re-education camps is more often despite them than because of them. An orthodox priesthood of militant radicals is busily indoctrinating our future leaders -- punishing deviance, rewarding compliance and propagating clones of themselves who will run yet more of our schools, courts and newsrooms.
Cornell, in particular, is the most bigoted, ignorant, profligate swamp I've ever had the misfortune to call home. Corporal Hicks (Aliens) might have been speaking of Ithaca when he said: "I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Sara Townsley is a graduate student in BMCB. Behind Liberal Lines appears Tuesdays.
What a great find!! Thank you!
She's another Ann Coulter for our side - with a touch less causticity...
Anyone have an email addy for this fine young lady?
My son's friend will be attending a doctoral program at Cornell in the fall. I tried to warn him... : )
What I have noticed, being a habitue' of college campuses myself, is that there are many, many students are just there for the education. You don't have to get bogged down in the b.s. unless you want to.
I am in the middle of a liberal mecca and notice that more students just walk past the protests (which are quite small compared to those of my youth in the 70s) than participate in them and the ROTC kids go about unmolested, so things aren't too bad.
Memo to Miss Townsley:
Guess she don't like the cornbread either.
best line: "herbivorous throwbacks"!
Holy crap! She sounds like Ann Coulter on steroids. She must be one smart chick.
Wow. Brilliantly written. SEnding to some folks I know...
This is a riot!
Well written, spot on and funny as all heck.
I have similar thoughts about Ithaca on a daily basis.
I know this is from May but I somehow missed it earlier.
Thanks for posting.
Beautifully written. A real keeper. BTT.
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